In Which I Send Danica Patrick a Get-Well Card

Because this.

(Image via Shutterstock)

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • WallofSleep

    Okay, quick recap for the ladies:

    Driving a car = Destroys your ovaries

    Wearing five bolts of fabric and a face mask = Empowering, liberating, and pleasing to god.

    • Tainda

      Whenever my best friend or I hurt ourselves it’s always “Ow! My ovary!” no matter where we hurt ourselves. So I guess now when I’m driving I will yell “Ow! My ovary!” every mile or so. That will probably be the last time she lets me drive.

      • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

        Simpsons did it…

      • Finn Nicolas

        My best friend does that as well, except that he’s a man, and a Muslim.

      • C.L. Honeycutt

        When my raids got wiped in World of Warcraft, I would complain, “My spleen!” to the raid, a quote stolen from Sluggy Freelance. That was no thing, but I discovered that it relieved a lot of tension in the group after a second wipe when I would then complain, “My other spleen!”

        • Tainda

          We need to do a raid together lol

          • C.L. Honeycutt

            Sigh, I cancelled my account again. I was really loving the storylines, but they’ve made it impossible to keep up unless you stick to just one character and grind the hell out of everything. Plus every friend I had still playing was on other servers, and when I transferred to join them at their suggestions, they stopped playing.

            I did kinda want to level that last rogue I made and spend my time ganking my old guild after they server transferred while blaming everyone else for their bad leadership. I even squatted on the name on one of their jerkier members just to make it extra annoying, hee hee!

            • Tainda

              I haven’t played WoW in years but you know Everquest Next is on the horizon!

              • C.L. Honeycutt

                I’ll definitely try it out, even though I have to be cautious cause of an addictive personality.

                Oooohhhh, The Friendly Atheist Guild!

                • Tainda

                  I was thinking about that haha We have plenty of gamer nerds around here!

                • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

                  I went cold turkey after Baldur’s Gate. And as for social games, I was addicted when you had to imagine what things looked like by reading ‘text’. At 1200bps. And we liked it!

        • eonL5

          I thought “Ahhh! My Spleen!” came from Brewster Rockit (Space Guy). Poor Winky.

          • C.L. Honeycutt

            I don’t know how old Brewster Rockit is. Either could have borrowed it from the other, or maybe both from someone else! Nothing’s original, after all.

            I wish I had the energy to read the thousands-by-now Brewster strips on gocomics. :(

  • Bdole

    Sometimes I wonder if maybe some of these guys are secretly liberal. What better way to foil a misogynistic culture than to push the chauvinist envelope to buffoonish proportions so that it becomes a widely acknowledged joke. Same could be said of the idiots in this country. Maybe Ken Ham is really the greatest proponent of evolutionary science by highlighting the stupidity of creationist claims!
    And maybe the moon is made of marshmallows and there really is a Willy Wonka.

    • Jeff

      Wait, there ISN’T a Willy Wonka? Dude (or dudette), you have so ruined my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. A pox on you and your house.

  • Tainda

    Wow. I’m shaking my head. I have been driving since 16 and I have a child so apparently it didn’t affect my ovaries in any way.

    The only argument they would have would be to bring the niqab into the discussion. That would be impaired vision if you ask me. Your peripheral vision can’t be too great in those.

    • WallofSleep

      “I have been driving since 16 and I have a child so apparently it didn’t affect my ovaries in any way.”

      That child is clearly the spawn of Shaytan, and an abomination in the eyes of Allah. ;P

      • Tainda

        Sometimes I wonder lol

        • The Other Weirdo

          That’s either a slap on the child, or the child’s father. I can’t decide which.

          • Tainda

            Definitely the father

      • Bdole

        Then clearly you’ve raised them right.

    • rtanen

      If they make fabric you can see through when looking forwards, surely they can make fabric you can see through when looking sideways.

    • Yoav

      Only one? If you didn’t drive then your ovaries would be a Dugger-esque clown car (which you wouldn’t be allowed to drive) like jesus and mo intended.

  • momtarkle

    I’m somewhat offended, on Danica’s behalf. (Of course, I don’t know her) I don’t think that you should have singled her (or any female) out. I’m sure your intentions were good.

    • Quintin van Zuijlen

      I think it’s a great way of attracting attention. People want to know what a post with such a title is all about. Including a reference to a well known woman who drives cars for a living is all it is.

      • Spuddie

        Especially when the author is giving a backhand slap to the policy of a government to ban female drivers.

    • Tainda

      No reason to be offended at all. Danica is the most recognizable female driver.

    • Treefield

      It struck me as well to be in very poor taste to discuss a woman’s body in this way, even if the objective was to be satirical.

  • GodlessPoutine

    Thank you. I needed my daily dose of religious insanity and you have provided it to me.

  • The Other Weirdo

    All I got from this was: “Patrick married Paul Edward Hospenthal, who had previously been her physical therapist while she was recovering from a yoga injury.”

    There is such a thing as yoga injury.

    • Mario Strada

      Imagine: You are a professional race car driver, you even start your career in Indy cars, the same series where Indy car champion Alex Zanardi got both his legs sliced off his body in the 90′s and you get injured doing yoga.

      Mario Andretti, Stirling Moss and Graham Hill would not be impressed.
      Niky Lauda certainly wouldn’t be.

      • Spuddie

        But those with an appreciation for irony would be.

    • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

      …have you seen some of those poses? I can see a yoga injury happening.

    • islandbrewer

      Dammit, put up a trigger warning next time!

      *sniff* Both my parents were killed in a massive yoga accident. EMTs took 20 hours to untangle all the limbs.

      I still burst into tears when I see someone with one of those rolled up mats.

      [/bad comedy]

      • The Other Weirdo

        EMTs took 20 hours to untangle all the limbs.

        Wouldn’t that be the coroner? I’ve watched CSI, I know how these things work.

        • islandbrewer

          It was an over enrolled class with 36 people. Only seven survived, thus the EMTs at the scene.

          Afterwards, yoga was banned from the curriculum, replaced with Rugby for Seniors and a Hand Made Lead Jewelry class.

          • C.L. Honeycutt

            They could have just rolled them to the morgue instead. Yogamari Damacy!

      • Tainda

        I was a transcriptionist for quite a few years when I was younger. I was typing up an ER report and the doctor said it was a “crock pot injury” I had to run to the ER to ask him what it meant. Guy was carrying the crock pot (the old fashioned ceramic kind) into the house on Thanksgiving or some holiday and fell on it and it broke.

        Ohhh, the strange injury tales of the ER.

    • Knot

      In going from one twisty bird pose to another a few years ago, I cranked a knee rather badly (literal “snap, crackle, pop” sounds). I’ve only recently gotten back to the point of being able to move freely without considering whether or not the knee will lock up on me if I shift a certain way, so yeah. Yoga: not so injury free as one might think.

  • islandbrewer

    You’d think testes would be a lot more vulnerable to driving injuries than ovaries. Maybe Saudi men will stop driving and let the women do it all.

    I’ll just be over here holding my breathe waiting for that.

  • Beth

    I need one of these cards once a month…

  • averydashwood

    So post-menopausal women can drive then?

    • Hat Stealer

      The trick in these cultures is to make sure the women don’t survive that long.

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    Well that’s why women can’t run marathons. Their ovaries will fall out.

    • Tainda

      I just got a vision of people jumping over ovaries while running.

      Edit: This is why I can’t talk and type at the same time.

      • The Other Weirdo

        I got a worse vision of people running marathons to escape from galloping ovaries out to strangle them, and failing.

        • Tainda

          Kind of like Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?

          • The Other Weirdo

            I’ve heard of the movie, but never watched it.

            • Tainda

              It’s a must if you like horrible horror movies like I do.

            • Camorris

              I laughed my ass off because I got the humour. But my young son was freaked out – he didn’t understand the satire directed at this movie genre.
              The climax scene looked like it was a hoot for the actors and the extras.

      • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

        Oh you were right. Women-parts-anatomy fail on my part. It’s actually uteri that fall out when women run more than 100 yards and in anything other than heels.

        http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-17632029

        And, you know, hairy chests.

        • Tainda

          1967 in Boston and we laugh at the Saudis?

          Any chance to use the word uteri!!

  • baal

    This shows that making weird shit up to back regressive policies isn’t just a teapartier hobby. We see the same from other political religionists.

  • http://squeakysoapbox.com/ Rich Wilson

    They’re actually concerned with the fact that if a Saudi Policeman pulls over a woman, he’ll have no way to confirm who’s driving based on the pair of eyes peaking out from under a nijab on the driver’s license photo.

    • Tainda

      I was just talking about that the other day!

      I work in a children’s hospital and you have to show photo ID to enter. I saw a woman last week in a burqa. How did the security guard check her ID?

      • Nancy Shrew

        I’ve heard of having to get a woman employee to do the checking.

        • Itarion

          But then how do you know that the woman employee is the woman employee, and not a different woman pretending to be a woman employee?

          And we wonder why they’re afraid of their womenfolk…

          • Nancy Shrew

            I don’t know what you mean.

            • Itarion

              Oppression typically stems from some sort of fear – if you aren’t afraid, you don’t need to dominate. The fear, of course, comes from not knowing, in that a man out on the streets of a Sharia country can’t possibly recognize a woman – change the burqa, change the woman. So, because they have no idea who the woman is, they are afraid of them. Disguises have power, and when you are disguised as every woman, well… you could be any woman. Which is why no woman is allowed to have power. If even one woman had power, all woman would have power.

              Of course, psychoanalysis is notoriously inaccurate, so take a few bits of NaCl.

          • Helix Luco

            from what i’d heard, full-face coverage like that is a relatively fringe thing, i don’t think that women employed outside the home and women who go all out with a niqab all the time have a whole lot of overlap. so there’s different styles of headscarves for different groups and situations.
            wearing a hood of light cloth isn’t a bad idea if you’re going out in strong sunlight, having it cover your face too is handy if you don’t have a beard or sunscreen. For all the political, religious and cultural baggage these garments have gathered, there’s a pragmatic aspect to it that probably started the whole thing. scalp sunburns just ruin my whole day.

            • Itarion

              This is true, of course, and much of the world has “hats” for the same reason. The sun is hot.

              And indeed, we cannot be certain of which is the most common veil. The general point is the general lack of identifiability of people – as men would be equally obscured – who wear the full body veils.

              And the fact that the veils are also worn inside, where they are rather extraneous.

    • ShoeUnited

      This image answers some questions but raises others.

      http://gdb.rferl.org/5F304BDA-C600-4708-B712-ADE3FAE7DA60_mw1024_n_s.jpg

  • pagansister

    The only damage is in the brain of the cleric who made the statement!

  • Itarion

    … and that it pushes the pelvis upward.

    Technically, this is true, in the same manner that anything supporting anything else in a gravitational field pushes anything else up. I’m confused as to how riding is a car – which presumably is allowed – is any different from driving a car. Same forces involved, I swear.

    Explained Al-Loheidan, “We find that for women who continuously drive cars, their children are born with varying degrees of clinical problems.”

    What he fails to mention, of course, is that for women who don’t drive cars, their children are born with varying degrees of clinical problems. Because ALL children are born with varying degrees of clinical problems. You can’t possibly NOT have varying degrees of clinical problems, because that is ALL DEGREES OF CLINICAL PROBLEMS.

    Look: If you want to be a misogynistic bastard, go for it. By all means. Be a misogynistic bastard. I won’t like it, but say what you like. But for the love of all that is just and right, don’t pretend you’re protecting women.

  • TruthyLib

    Danica Should allow her Ovaries a shot at showing what they can do…. She isn’t winning any races….. Maybe she can make a baby.

    • Spuddie

      But she still gets far more endorsements than any other Nascar driver out there. More people want to see Danica in a bikini than Brad Keselowski. =)

  • Neeroc

    I think I’ll forward that article to my reproductive endocrinologist, it would save thousands of tests if they could just ask the women if they drove! Wonder why they didn’t think of that…


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