Pastor Kevin Swanson: I Don’t Buy Girl Scout Cookies Because ‘I Don’t Wanna Support Lesbianism’

I’ve always been a huge fan of Girl Scout cookies because I am an all-American, red-blooded, gun-toting, God-fearing… wait… I got carried away somewhere in there. Anyway, Tagalongs are my jam and (true story) last year I had Thin Mints for the first time when a coworker flipped out because I had never had one. (My excuse was that I’m not a fan of mint… I was wrong. I love mint. The thinner, the better.)

But I digress. A few years ago, I became aware that the Girl Scouts of America not only manufacture amazing snacks, but are also a pretty kick-ass organization — and more or less the anti-Boy Scouts.

And the reasons that I think GSA is pretty awesome — they’re supportive of the LGBTQ community, they don’t enforce religious ideals, they promote smart sex education, they piss off right-wingers, etc. — are the very reasons that Pastor Kevin Swanson haaaaaaaaaaates them.

So, in an effort to save us all from accidentally supporting babies getting abortions or whatever, Swanson went on a radio show to explain (read: rant like a crazy person) how people who buy Girl Scout cookies are supporting Planned Parenthood, abortion and (obviously) lesbianism:

Truth: Every time you eat a Girl Scout cookie, a lesbian gets her wings

Special thanks to Erin Gloria Ryan over at my favorite website Jezebel for transcribing his ramblings. Transcribing crazy-person rants is the worst, as I very well know after a year-and-a-half writing for this blog.

The individualism of feminism has been devastating to this country. Dave, I’d say you oughta say no to the Girl Scout Cookies, too. I mean, I don’t wanna support lesbianism. I don’t wanna support Planned Parenthood, and I don’t wanna support abortion. And if that be the case, I’m not buying Girl Scout Cookies. Now, I s’pose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say, here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore. And I’d be willing to buy it. Maybe so. Maybe it’s not food offered to idols anymore if I have the opportunity to scratch out references to the Girl Scouts of America on the boxes of the Girl Scout Cookies offered to me at Safeway.

I don’t wanna promote a wicked organization that, according to its own website, doesn’t promote godly womanhood. It just doesn’t! I don’t see anything that promotes godly womanhood! The vision of the Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to a Biblical vision for womanhood, friends.

Please, I beg of you. Do not buy Girl Scout Cookies. Please! I beg of you! Stop buying Girl Scout Cookies. And if you do, take a big black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on all the signs and all the boxes, because we don’t wanna promote that organization.

Let’s start by talking about what “promoting” means for a second. I feel like once you get the box into your kitchen (or couch. Or car. Or sidewalk in front of the table where they’re selling the cookies), you’re not really promoting them. It’s not like they’re selling bumper stickers or flags or shirts or something that you necessarily show off. I think the “promoting” part is when you spend four bucks on the box of cookies in the first place. The idea that you’d buy the cookies and then deface the box at your own home is… probably the lowest point of the angry man’s day.

And I can’t believe there’s not a single thing on that website that “promotes godly womanhood”! The very nerve of a secular organization existing!

As for the lesbian thing… I don’t know what’s worse: The belief that the GSA can push a particular sexual orientation onto little girls or that “lesbian” is used as a slur in that context. In any case, I’m sure all the commenters here have plenty more to add, so have at it.

Not that you needed another reason to buy cookies, but you can add one more to the list: it’s clearly going to piss Kevin Swanson off, which I think we could all get behind.

(Image via Shutterstock — Thanks to Matt for the link!)

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.

  • Andrew B.

    So I guess we all just have to buy more, then? Won’t be hard for me.

  • Paula M Marshall

    Ooh, I’m so sorry their cookies don’t promote oppression of women. More for me, then. HAHAHAHA

  • KelpieLass

    Diet, oh well. Bring on the Girl Scout Cookies. Let’s all buy an extra box in Pastor Swanson’s honor.

  • Larry Meredith

    He’s just calling them lesbians because none of them would go home with him.

  • Dirk

    I find any mint-flavored food, especially mixed with chocolate, disgusting. Tea, toothpaste, and gum are fine, though. Weird?

    • Bdole

      I can’t even stand toothpaste I hate mint so much. BUT, I can eat peppermint patties. It’s the only thing with mint or peppermint that doesn’t make me gag.

    • Jessica

      Dude…exactly. I keep mint tea in my house!
      But somehow, Thin Mints did it for me!

    • Gus

      My incredibly picky kid eats peppermint patties and starlight mints like they’re going out of style, but mint toothpaste or just about anything else and he’s screaming that it’s too hot!

      He will eat thin mints.

    • Ida Know

      I’m with you all the way except for the tea. I also like peppermint candy, but no other kind of mint candy, and chocolate had better not be anywhere near it. At Girl Scout cookie time I go for the Tagalongs and Do-si-dos, and pretty much nothing else.

    • cary_w

      Yes, weird, but in the spirit of the Girl Scouts, who are strong believers in tolerance and acceptance, we will respect your unusual tastes and point out that there are a variety of other non-minty cookies available! Enjoy your cookies!

  • Timmah

    “Now, I s’pose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say, here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore. And I’d be willing to buy it.”

    Now I realize of course this WHOLE thing is neck-deep in insanity, but even if they sold you a “godly” version in a plain white box… isn’t the act of paying for it supporting the Girl Scouts? I mean I think the whole point of them sellling cookies is the money they get out of you, not the adverstisment of the box sitting on your kitchen counter.

    • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

      Logic isn’t his strong suit. It’s not even his back-up suit. It’s more like the suit in the back of his closet that is moth-ridden and two sizes too small.

      • The Other Weirdo

        This really falls trippingly off the tongue. I’m gonna have to remember that one.

  • decathelite

    So taking a marker and crossing out the GSA on the box no longer promotes the company? Well, I should send him an addressed stamped envelope containing a donation card to my local Planned Parenthood, but cross out all references to “Planned Parenthood” with a big fat black magic marker.

    • Vertigayle

      Nice!

  • Layla13

    I love it when Girl Scouts sell cookies in front of the local Planned Parenthood clinic. Buy five boxes and get a free abortion!

  • A3Kr0n

    OMG! Thin Mints are coming soon!

  • http://www.holytape.etsy.com Holytape

    What kind of weird pervert looks at a middle-schooler selling peanut butter filled manna from heaven and thinks, “Damn Lesbian!”

    • The Other Weirdo

      Someone terrified of their own bodies and who doesn’t want to take responsibility for oneself.

    • Sarah-Sophia

      Someone who’s freaked out at the idea of living in a world in which there are no set gender roles and being male does not give one a special privilege. When he sees a female who is not following her “proper” gender role she is cast as not normal (which is what gays are to conservatives).

  • invivoMark

    “The vision of the Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to a Biblical vision for womanhood, friends.”

    So true! And exactly why I support GSA! Unlike the Bible, the GSA actually cares about women!

    • smrnda

      Totally. I would support anyone who doesn’t support ‘biblical womanhood’

  • Bdole

    “Maybe it’s not food offered to idols anymore…”

    Interesting that he’d use that metaphor since it’s not a sin to eat food sacrificed to idols unless you have a weak-conscience.
    I Corinthians 8:3-8
    So then, about eating food sacrificed to idols: We know that “An idol is nothing at all in the world” and that “There is no God but one…
    …But not everyone possesses this knowledge. … 8 But food does not bring us near to God; we are no worse if we do not eat, and no better if we do.

    I usually skip the cookies, but now I might buy a box.

  • Gus

    I would like to see sales statistics for Girl Scout Cookies. Somebody did this same thing last year, so I don’t know when it started, but I expect it’s good, rather than bad, for cookie sales overall. When I was young and single I bought a case or three of Thin Mints and stocked my freezer with them, which I can no longer do because my freezer now must contain actual food. But maybe I can find room for a case in there this year…wait, are they non-perishable enough to give to the food bank? I could buy a case of each and give them to my local, secular food bank!

  • God’s Starship

    Can’t wait to eat some of those damn fine cookies. I have no point to make. I just like cookies.

  • Tainda

    I LOVE Thin Mints! They make Thin Mint ice cream too…

    Mmmm, lesbian cookies

  • observer

    If you want to make the Thin Mints “minty”, store the cookies in the fridge or freezer.

    • Birdie1986

      I can only eat them if they have been in the freezer. And, only with milk. Yum.

      • http://gamesgirlsgods.blogspot.com/ Feminerd

        You too! Frozen Think Mints are the best.

        You can crumble them over vanilla ice cream too. It’s like with milk, only better.

  • M.S.

    I buy Girl Scout cookies because they are effing delicious and I could never care enough about a cause to say no to a Thin Mint.

    • Lauryn

      Comment WIN

      • M.S.

        apparently I lack conviction. lol

  • Mad Hen

    I have never bought GS cookies before, but dammit, now I feel a need to go out and buy some!

    • Timmah

      How… HOW? They are everywhere when its cookie selling time. First their parents bring a sheet to work, then on Saturday you get hit up walking into the bank, only to then get hit up going to the grocery store. The guilt of having to tell a little girl “Sorry I already bought some” is horrible.

      AND THEY ARE COUNTING ON THAT.

      • The Other Weirdo

        The Force. I use the Force. It is more powerful than any little girl’s look of “Shame on you for not buying from ME.”

      • http://gamesgirlsgods.blogspot.com/ Feminerd

        Oh yes :) I can’t tell you how many sales I made by making with the big eyes and pointing at the box and suggesting “just one box for you/friend/family/coworker”.

      • Mad Hen

        I guess I’m just a cold-hearted b*tch. :) I don’t feel any guilt whatsoever.

  • baal

    The cookies aren’t in my diet but I’ve been known to gift them.

  • Padawan60

    So the GSA doesn’t promote (Pastor Psycho’s version of) godly womanhood. Well, thank goodness for that. Instead, the GSA helps girls grow up into educated, resourceful, independent women — you know, the exact opposite of what fundamentalist religion does. I’ll buy cookies for that!

  • TnkAgn

    What does Pastor Swanson know that we don’t? Is there a new flavor for this year? “Lesbo-Lemon” perhaps?

    • Timmah

      50 Boxes please.

      • The Other Weirdo

        Is that the 50 Boxes of Shame I heard so much about?

  • guest

    Maybe if each box of cookies came with a burka he’d buy them?

  • Birdie1986

    I haven’t bought any for the last couple of years (in the interest of my clothes continuing to fit properly). I will definitely buy some this year, just because this douche said not to.

    • David Kopp

      Best thing about it is that you can share them ;) You don’t have to fall on the caloric sword alone

  • http://nomadwarriormonk.blogspot.com/ Cyrus Palmer

    “Godly womanhood” like what? Like keeping your mouth shut and pumping out babies? It’s a good thing that GSA doesn’t promote THOSE values.

  • Lindsey Stock

    I have a sudden craving for Do-si-dos…

  • sk3ptik0n

    How do I get the GSA to sell me some cookies? I work at home and my daughter is way past GSA age.

    I read this article and it occurred to me: no one is coming to my door to sell me GSA cookies! The last time it was like 5 years ago and I had no cash. I begged to take my AMEX but there was no way.

    I want the cookies and I must say, they look fantastic. You dirty future magic lesbians.

    • Paul Iannacone

      My daughter will be selling them again this year. I would be happy to start a mail order business in pastor Swanson’s honor.

    • Gus

      Here they camp out in front of the grocery store. But I’m lucky enough to have several parents of girl scouts to choose my source and make sure I get enough. Back in my three case buying days I was personally responsible for a co-worker’s daughter winning whatever it was she won for selling the most cookies in the area.

    • cary_w

      Google “girl scouts of (whatever state you live in)”, and you will probably find something about when they are selling and lists of businesses they will be selling at. It varies a bit from region to region, but door-to-door orders are usually taken in January, cookies are delivered and booth sales occur in March. Our state website puts up a list of businesses and times troops will be there a few weeks before cookies booths begin, very handy! Also if you call the state GS office, they will probably give you the name and number of your local troop leader, who would be happy to send some girls your way. Good luck!

    • Nancy Shrew

      Do you have friends/neighbors with daughters? They tend to reveal themselves around cookie time. Sometimes troops sell in front of stores.

      • Guessed

        Are we talking Girl Scouts in particular, or roaming troops of lesbians in general here?

        • Nancy Shrew

          Same difference.

    • NG

      Apparently, there is an official Girl Scout Cookie Finder app for Android and iOS. I found it visiting my area’s council page and I promptly installed the app on my phone.

      • allein

        There are links to the app on this pagehttp://www.girlscouts.org/program/gs_cookies/how_to_buy.asp

  • Marisa Totten

    Last year was the first in a long while I didn’t buy GS cookies . . . it just worked out the way since I didn’t know anyone locally selling them. But I think a nice xmas present to myself would be donating a nice sum of money to feminist groups in Mr. Swanson’s name. It pains me that feminism is associated with lesbianism by so many, but this guy clearly has a problem with non-subservient women (I’m guessing that’s what he means by “biblical womanhood”) so I guess we can’t expect much from him.

  • nkendall

    Plus they don’t require you take out a mortgage like boy scout popcorn.

  • Shadist

    My favorite part of the cookies, the single serving boxes.

    Damn my lack of shame. :)

    • Jeff

      Stand tall. That’s one thing about atheists, we try not to judge others on their lifestyle. Many of us have felt that shame…the single serve boxes of Cookies, the single serve half-gallon ice cream containers, the single server 2 liter….we’re there for you Shadist. Be proud.

  • m n

    Important question: Where the hell are you getting Girl Scout Cookies that they’re only $4/box?! Because I’m pretty sure they were more expensive than that back when I was selling them, and that was at least 12 years ago at this point!

    • cary_w

      The price does vary from state to state, they are still $3.50 a box here, but I’m not sure if it’s worth it to take a trip to Utah just for cheep cookies!

    • Gus

      12 years ago I was paying $3.00 a box in Norfolk, VA. Before that I paid $3.00 a box in Tampa, FL. Now I’m paying $3.50 a box. Where are you, Manhattan? Hawaii? Alaska?

    • allein

      When I sold them they were $1.50…
      /old

      Now I buy ‘em from my best friend’s niece. They were $3.50 the last few years she’s been selling them.

  • L.G. Keltner

    That’s definitely one more reason to buy them! Aside from the fact that they’re so good I have to ask people to hide them from me to prevent myself from eating an entire box at a time.

  • Nikita

    Wow, that really made me want to rush out and find more girl guide cookies and if I had a girl I’d be on their website signing her up right now.

  • Greg G.

    I like the peanut butter cookies. I get an extra box for the freezer but I usually have to open them before they even get cold.

  • Vertigayle

    I sent him a message and asked him to explain “godly womanhood” and “biblical vision for womanhood”. I really hope I get an answer, because I asked it completely snark-free. It’s just killing me with curiosity to know exactly how HE thinks a woman’s life should be conducted!! (OK…and now for the snark) ‘Effin’ looney…..

  • Tyrrlin Flamestrike

    Funny timing… I brought in my last (*sniffle*) sleeve of Thin Mints to work today for nomming on.

    <3 Girl Scouts and their cookies!

  • Vertigayle

    Wow…his facebook page has 172 followers! What a crowd!

  • SecularHumanist199

    I have generally not bought Girl Scout cookies only because a very small percentage of the sales price goes to the local Girl Scout troop. Instead I have always just made a donation to the troop. However, based on these comments it may be time to buy some. I would also like to know what he means by “godly womanhood.” I suspect it is a woman being subservient to men and serving primarily as a baby maker. If that’s his meaning then thank the flying spaghetti monster that the Girl Scouts don’t promote it.

    • Erp

      Actually the percentage varies by council according to the FAQ on the matter. On average 30% of the price goes to the baker, 10-20% to the troop, and 50-60% to the local council (none goes to National which is funded by annual membership fees). Note the council funds also support Girl Scouts by funding camp grounds (most councils own or lease one or more camp grounds and have to build and maintain facilities), doing council wide events, training leaders (want troops to go camping, the leaders better know first aid, camp safety, etc.), and supporting poorer Girl Scouts (e.g., summer camp financial aid).

  • McAtheist

    I on the other hand support lesbianism, where can I buy my cookies?
    I just can’t help wondering what would happen if every atheist in north america bought a box of girl scout cookies and sent it to Kevin Swanson. Would his head explode? Would the ladies at their church catch the gay from the overwhelming volume of lesbo-cookies?
    Any ideas?

    • anniekate76

      I don’t think they deserve any cookies. They have been quite naughty and should definitely go to bed without dessert.

    • NG

      Why would you punish such delicious cookies? Or do you mean to send the Samoas and those “iced” (aka waxed) cookies?

  • Joan

    So, if I take a big, fat magic marker and cross out every reference to saturated fat and sugar, does that mean I can eat them without gaining weight? Wow, who knew?! Bring on the cookies and the markers!

  • Rachel Warner

    This douche-canoe needs to be given to a troop of scouts and paddled severely.

  • cary_w

    The Girl Scouts are awesome! My daughter was involved with them for probably 10 or 12 years, as a troop member, going to their absolutely fabulous summer camps and working as a camp counselor for 2 summers. We were always so disappointed that my son couldn’t have the same experiences, but then he managed to get a job as kitchen staff at our local Girl Scout camp last summer! He loved it! It turns out they can be inclusive and friendly to boys too, in the right situation! I’ll have to buy an extra case of cookies this year!

    To those of you worried about the calories, consider this: a case of GS cookies contains 12 boxes, there are 12 month in a year, coincedence? I don’t think so! So go buy yourself a case of Thin Mints (or whatever) and stick them in the freezer. On the first of each month pull out one box, and that’s your sugary treats for the month! It will make each box seem extra special and you will find yourself counting the days until the next box, but if you can really keep yourself from buying any other treats, you will probably be eating a lot less sugar than you normally do!

    • Gus

      Oh sure, that’s great in theory. But then I have to have just one more. And just one more after that. And suddenly it’s five minutes later and I’ve devoured a whole box and then what do I do? I think there’s cocaine in them.

  • Ron

    The man doth protest too much, methinks.

    “I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left. Two women shall be grinding together; the one shall be taken, and the other left.” ~Jesus

    Dims the lights . . . bow-chicka-wow-wow

  • http://itsmyworldcanthasnotyours.blogspot.com/ wmdkitty

    Mmmm… Cookies…

  • anniekate76

    I was a girl scout for eleven years, and now I’m queer! Coincidence? (Well, yes, coincidence. Mmmm cookies.)

    • cary_w

      Actually that may not be a coincidence. I mean, obviously being a Girl Scout didn’t make you queer (that’s crazy talk!) but the fact that you are queer probably meant that you were bullied or felt isolated and “different” at school, so it’s likely that your Girl Scout troop was one of the few places you found friends and felt accepted, which would explain why you stuck with them for 11 years, quite a bit longer than the average Girl Scout.

      Or maybe you just stayed for the cookies!

  • Gehennah

    More thin mints for me.

  • Everybody-has-one

    CCCOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKIIIIIEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUM!

  • Alan E.

    Important question: Was the thin mint you tried frozen and/or have you tried them frozen yet? I get most excited when I find a hidden roll midway between cookie seasons.

    • Tommy

      Crumble them up on ice cream, it’s possibly the closet I get to a religious experience.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    Wow, who knew that by buying the cookies I support individualism, lesbians, feminism, Planned Parenthood, and the right of women to choose? I should buy even more in the future.

  • smrnda

    I wonder if this pastor is concerned with the ethics of every other brand that he happens to come across. It seems that Xtians only decide that ‘can’t support immorality’ if it is somehow a means of pissing on GLBTQ people. Xtians can’t rent a room to a same sex couple, but I don’t hear pastors arguing that Xtians can’t sell guns because down the line, someone might get killed.

  • Ogre Magi

    I think christians are the worst vermin of all

  • ShoeUnited

    What is even more confusing is how lesbianism can be bad when that very likely is one the leading causes for abortion not happening. Last I checked, all lesbian pregnancies are wanted. But I’m no god scientist.

  • Fugen

    I can have his, do they send oversee?

  • Drew James

    What an ass Kevin Swanson is…..then again, why am I surprised; he is, after all a religious bigot !

  • http://shitmytoiletsays.blogspot.com/ Crud O’Matic

    Love it – Conservative Christians always go on and on about individualism being incredible (which it is), BUT when it’s the “undesirables” asserting their individualism – all the sudden individualism is EVIL and all the conservative Christians magically become merry collectivists.

    AWESOME hypocrisy. This is what happens when you let that wonderful cognitive dissonance stew and seep for decades without challenge and self-examination. You’re able to flip on a dime and NOT see yourself as the incredible hypocrite you really are.

    Quote:
    “””Now, I s’pose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say, here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore. And I’d be willing to buy it.”””

    O_O

    Today I Learned that black magic marker redirects the money you give for the cookies from the EVIL Girl Scouts, directly into Jesus’ pockets.

    These people are mentally ill. No grasp on reality is to be found here. They are all floating in deep space! This is AMAZING! Wow! I didn’t realize how damaged these people really are!

  • Pithecanthropus

    I wonder how many Carmel Delights I would eat if there were no consequences of doing so. A hundred? A thousand?

  • Ron Nicolas

    Another reason to enjoy my thin mints. Thanks


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