Pastor Kevin Swanson: I Don’t Buy Girl Scout Cookies Because ‘I Don’t Wanna Support Lesbianism’

I’ve always been a huge fan of Girl Scout cookies because I am an all-American, red-blooded, gun-toting, God-fearing… wait… I got carried away somewhere in there. Anyway, Tagalongs are my jam and (true story) last year I had Thin Mints for the first time when a coworker flipped out because I had never had one. (My excuse was that I’m not a fan of mint… I was wrong. I love mint. The thinner, the better.)

But I digress. A few years ago, I became aware that the Girl Scouts of America not only manufacture amazing snacks, but are also a pretty kick-ass organization — and more or less the anti-Boy Scouts.

And the reasons that I think GSA is pretty awesome — they’re supportive of the LGBTQ community, they don’t enforce religious ideals, they promote smart sex education, they piss off right-wingers, etc. — are the very reasons that Pastor Kevin Swanson haaaaaaaaaaates them.

So, in an effort to save us all from accidentally supporting babies getting abortions or whatever, Swanson went on a radio show to explain (read: rant like a crazy person) how people who buy Girl Scout cookies are supporting Planned Parenthood, abortion and (obviously) lesbianism:

Truth: Every time you eat a Girl Scout cookie, a lesbian gets her wings

Special thanks to Erin Gloria Ryan over at my favorite website Jezebel for transcribing his ramblings. Transcribing crazy-person rants is the worst, as I very well know after a year-and-a-half writing for this blog.

The individualism of feminism has been devastating to this country. Dave, I’d say you oughta say no to the Girl Scout Cookies, too. I mean, I don’t wanna support lesbianism. I don’t wanna support Planned Parenthood, and I don’t wanna support abortion. And if that be the case, I’m not buying Girl Scout Cookies. Now, I s’pose if you take a big fat black magic marker and say, here, give me that box, and you start marking out all of the references to the Girl Scouts of America on all of the boxes, then maybe we’re not promoting that organization anymore. And I’d be willing to buy it. Maybe so. Maybe it’s not food offered to idols anymore if I have the opportunity to scratch out references to the Girl Scouts of America on the boxes of the Girl Scout Cookies offered to me at Safeway.

I don’t wanna promote a wicked organization that, according to its own website, doesn’t promote godly womanhood. It just doesn’t! I don’t see anything that promotes godly womanhood! The vision of the Girl Scouts of America is antithetical to a Biblical vision for womanhood, friends.

Please, I beg of you. Do not buy Girl Scout Cookies. Please! I beg of you! Stop buying Girl Scout Cookies. And if you do, take a big black magic marker and cross out every reference to Girl Scouts of America on all the signs and all the boxes, because we don’t wanna promote that organization.

Let’s start by talking about what “promoting” means for a second. I feel like once you get the box into your kitchen (or couch. Or car. Or sidewalk in front of the table where they’re selling the cookies), you’re not really promoting them. It’s not like they’re selling bumper stickers or flags or shirts or something that you necessarily show off. I think the “promoting” part is when you spend four bucks on the box of cookies in the first place. The idea that you’d buy the cookies and then deface the box at your own home is… probably the lowest point of the angry man’s day.

And I can’t believe there’s not a single thing on that website that “promotes godly womanhood”! The very nerve of a secular organization existing!

As for the lesbian thing… I don’t know what’s worse: The belief that the GSA can push a particular sexual orientation onto little girls or that “lesbian” is used as a slur in that context. In any case, I’m sure all the commenters here have plenty more to add, so have at it.

Not that you needed another reason to buy cookies, but you can add one more to the list: it’s clearly going to piss Kevin Swanson off, which I think we could all get behind.

(Image via Shutterstock — Thanks to Matt for the link!)

About Jessica Bluemke

Jessica Bluemke grew up in the suburbs of Chicago and graduated from Ball State University in 2008 with a BA in Literature. She currently works as a writer and resides on the North side of Chicago.