If the Bible Had a Better Editor…

Sam Apple offers a few suggestions to the author of The Bible:

Oh, and not to get all PC on you, but there seems to be an awful lot of raping in this draft. And, let’s be honest, you haven’t exactly earned the good will of your female readers with the whole making Eve out of one of Adam’s rib business. A rib? Really? You make so many strong choices in your writing, but I really don’t think that is one of them. Nor is it necessarily the strongest choice to insist upon spilling the blood of homosexuals. Unless you want to spend all of next semester in sensitivity workshops with a bunch of frat boys, I would definitely take that part out.

The bestselling book of all time could’ve used a better editor.

One commenter brilliantly adds:

Also: In your draft, you failed to pick among two chapter ones. Either one would need some work to bring it up to snuff, but you’re going to have to pick one.

(via Slate — image via Shutterstock)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the chair of Foundation Beyond Belief and a high school math teacher in the suburbs of Chicago. He began writing the Friendly Atheist blog in 2006. His latest book is called The Young Atheist's Survival Guide.

  • WallofSleep

    Loved it. Very damn funny. For some reason it reminded me of this, which I may have see here, so I apologize if this is “old news” ’round here.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh4jbI241wk

  • Pepe

    And God in all his infinite mercy, smited (yeah, I’m sure there’s another word for that) Mr. Apple and condemned him to eternal hell fire. Oh loving god.

    • skinnercitycyclist

      smote

  • Castilliano

    “You say this ‘God’ character is good, but I don’t really see that developmental arc. I mean, where is he actually being good here?”
    “What? No, killing his son doesn’t qualify.”
    “No, neither does ‘sparing’. I mean he is only sparing them from himself, right?”
    “Yeah, I’m thinking you should go with him as the AN-tagonist, sort of a father vs. son sort of thing.”
    “They’re the same? I’m pretty definite that wasn’t in there. They’re different.”
    “What do you mean ‘blasphemy, die heretic!’? Oh, ME?”
    (SCREAM, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle)

    :)
    Cheers.

  • WallofSleep

    OT: Oh goody! Right Wing Watch (say that five times, fast) has a new weekly feature.

    http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/paranoia-rama-week-right-wing-lunacy

  • Jeffrey Hitchin

    “And goodness knows I don’t mind some sex in a book, but all this BEGAT BEGAT BEGAT BEGAT BEGAT gets a little boring after a while.”

    • Intelligent Donkey

      I haven’t begotten lucky in a while, but I think the narrative lacks something. Doesn’t really float my ark, you know.

      Still a better love story than Twilight, though.

  • rtanen

    Also, just a tip, if you get this published: Be sure to have the translations closely proofread. Many of the Hebrew to Greek translators make these errors that completely change the meaning of the piece!

  • ShoeUnited

    The section labeled as “The Gospels” could really be narrowed down to one cohesive story. I’m not sure if you’re wanting me to pick the best draft or if you think it shows an alternate narrative. Either way, you could trim them down to one. Also, consider a better chapter to insert between Daniel and the second book in your anthology.

    Though, I’d highly suggest you write some more cohesive arcs between all the chapters, that gap is most jarring. Not everyone can suffer reading Tolstoy style writing.

  • Jim Jones

    Yeah. Why not claim that Eve was made from Adam’s third testicle? No tricky explanations as to why man still has all his ribs.

    • Intelligent Donkey

      The baculum. Humans are one of the very few mammals that lack one.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baculum

      • http://abb3w.livejournal.com/ abb3w

        “Rib” is thus almost certainly a polite euphemism. A jewish acquaintance of mine mentioned that there’s more than a few of those, in Pentatuch and other Torah parts when reading the original Hebrew.

      • tsara

        Argumentum ad baculum is now my very favourite fallacy (phallusy?) name ever.

  • Abbé Faria

    “I get wanting to tell where your character is coming from, but I don’t think anyone wants to know the name of all his ancestors.”

  • Artor

    I’d suggest making at least one sympathetic character that readers can identify with. There’s one that you obviously WANT readers to like, but he’s a ham-fisted Mary Sue. Work on it. And that last chapter? Don’t write when you’re high on mushrooms.