Mormon Missionary Tells Us Why We Should Cut Off the Whole Head

Kylee Chapa is a Mormon missionary currently working in Cincinnati, Ohio. She was recently teaching the Book of Mormon to a 13-year-old girl named Kami and they came across a horrific passage in which Nephi is told by God that he must kill Laban in order to secure some brass plates.

In the story, Nephi struggles with the command to kill someone else because, you know, murder is wrong. But if Heavenly Father says so, why not?! So Nephi cuts off Laban’s head.

If you’re a missionary, how do you teach this story?

And if you’re hearing it for the first time, don’t you have some natural objection to it?

Kylee writes [***Update***: It appears the post has been removed from the site, but the Google Cache is here...]:

Kami asked a question, and it amazed me because I had just learned this lesson myself a couple of weeks ago. She said, “Why did Nephi have to cut off Laban’s head? Why didn’t he just slit his throat or something?”

Good question, Kami! Why would anyone listen to the voices in his head and murder someone else?! Shouldn’t we hear those voices and say, “Screw you, God”?

Can’t wait to learn how Kylee spins this story into something positive…

I then answered her by explaining that God asks us to follow His commandments wholeheartedly, not only “just kind of.” When we are asked to keep the Sabbath day holy, for example, does that mean that as long as we go to church, we are excused to do anything else that we want to do? No! We should be devoting the entire day to the Lord and spending our time doing those things that are right in His sight; i.e. spending more time with our families, doing service for those in need, resting and studying the scriptures, etc. I asked her what might have happened if Nephi had just slit Laban’s throat? She said, “Well, he might not have died!”

“Exactly!” I said, “And that is why he cut off his head. Nephi knew that if he was going to follow a commandment of God, he wasn’t going to give himself a way back, he was going to follow completely through with it. Cutting off Laban’s head would ensure his death. And keeping the Sabbath day holy is going to bless our lives, but not if we treat it like any other day of the week. We must follow all of God’s commandments with our whole heart.”

Ummm… wow. Her moral of the story is that when God asks you to do something, even committing a gruesome violent act, you should do it with all your heart. Never question. Just obey.

It’s really the worst advice you could give to someone so young and impressionable

Since then, Kylee’s been inspired by that passage:

Now, Sister Fletcher and I have a saying when we are trying to do the things the Lord asks us to do: “Am I slitting the throat, or cutting off the head?”

Yeah! Decapitation! Inspiring, motivating decapitation.

Because there’s no better way to show someone they should obey God by jumping straight to killing on his behalf.

I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised by the brainwashing here when Kylee’s being taken in by her own overlords:

On Friday we got to do some service for our bishop, Bishop Striebeck. He is remodeling his house right now and so the elders… and Sister Fletcher and I went over on Friday morning, had breakfast, and then did some yard work which included digging out “dirt” (it was more like clay) so that they can put a retaining wall around their yard.

“Service” project. Sure.

(Image via Shutterstock)

About Hemant Mehta

Hemant Mehta is the editor of Friendly Atheist, appears on the Atheist Voice channel on YouTube, and co-hosts the uniquely-named Friendly Atheist Podcast. You can read much more about him here.

  • GubbaBumpkin

    Whew, an actual head. At first I was worried that this was about circumcision.

  • C Peterson

    You have to cut off their heads, or they come back. You don’t want that. If the Romans had just cut off Jesus’s head, think how much better the world would be today!

  • islandbrewer

    And don’t you have to put a bullet, stake, or blade through the brain? Otherwise the mouth keeps moving and trying to bite you.

  • Katie

    Where can I sign up to get some Mormons to do service work for me? I’ve got some landscaping projects on my wish list. Or do I need to be a bishop for that?

  • MarkInCA

    It’s a good thing that book was all made up, and Nephi never existed…

  • Dan Weeks

    Yeah, just slitting the throat is no good. Just ask the mafia

  • Rich Wilson

    Reminds me of The Good News Club lesson on obedience.

  • Jim Charlotte

    Religious people justifying beheadings?! Where have we seen that before…

  • Deus Otiosus

    Rule #2: Always double-tap.

  • Liz Erbe Wilcox


  • Cindy

    I’m not getting excited.. just another silly religious book fable teaching horrible acts in the name of god.

  • JWH

    Thus Spake the Highlander.

  • Ron


    God may—in Richard Dawkins’ words—be a jealous, petty, unjust, vindictive, bloodthirsty, misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully, ethnic cleanser and control freak… but he’s not a total prick.

  • averydashwood

    Maybe Nephi was in a Mexican drug cartel.

  • Bear Millotts

    Always bring a torch, that way you can cauterize the wound so two heads won’t spring forth when you cut off the head.

    What? We’re following the Hercules methodology when fighting a hydra, right?

    We are talking the same mythology, right?

  • Savoy47

    How would one distinguish between the voices of God and Satan? You sure can’t
    tell from the words.

  • bickle2

    That’s what faith is. Blind unquestioning belief

    Why aren’t we asking instead “why do we continue to allow this definitive, provable in. A court of law fraudulent criminal organization to operate?”

  • antfaber

    I sure hope the Jews don’t hear about this. ;)

  • Holytape

    Looks at God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Tosses a sword in the middle. “There can be only one. Get cracking.”

  • Sakura

    I remember hearing this story growing up…I also remember how horrified I was that he was committing murder too

  • Another Ex-Mormon

    Isn’t is a good thing that Kylee has an objective moral standard to guide her actions, and not some consequentialist moral relativism? Otherwise it would be moral chaos with anything permitted!!

  • Gus

    You can probably just call them up. If they come and knock on your door and want to share the Book of Mormon with you, you can just ask them to mow the lawn and they’ll hop right to it in their white shirts and black ties. You don’t have to be a Bishop. In fact, I think they prefer to do it for heathens like us so they can convert us. Although this may make you feel guilty enough to sit and listen to them blather for a while…

  • 3lemenope

    Heh. This makes Nephi’s head a rather ironic reversal in New Vegas.

  • fariasrv

    You know, call me crazy, but if there are voices in your head telling you to kill people, maybe you shouldn’t be held up as a moral paragon…

  • Nicole Morgan

    To be fair, Nephi does have a natural objection to killing Laban and does question it (read through the scriptures you cited and you’ll see). He’s not just told, “I’M GOD, DO IT.” and then is like, “Okay, cool, I will.” He is essentially told that Laban, who is indeed quite a bad guy, must be killed in order to save the lives of thousands. So to me, if you’re a person who applauded the death of Hitler and the other Nazis in “Inglorious Basterds”, for example, you believe the same premise…that it’s morally justifiable to kill a bad person in order to prevent them from doing more bad things to a lot of people. As a pacifist, I don’t personally agree with that, but I think it’s something that a lot of religious and secular people do believe.

  • Holytape

    Mormon God [to Nephi]: What’s up? How’s the thing going between you and Laban going?

    Nephi: Not so good. It was awkward at first but after a few strokes, it final came.

    Mormon God: Go on. Spare no details.

    Nephi: Well, I snuck up besides his bed.

    Mormon God: Yeah….

    Nephi: Slowly pulled down his sheets….

    Mormon God: Go on….

    Nephi: I reach down, and pulled out his sword and….. sliced off his head. [holds up Laban's head] Here it is.

    Mormon God: What the hell?! Why the hell did you do that you sick fuck. Why did you kill Laban?

    Nephi: I did what you told me. You said ‘Laban was wicked and I should take his head.”

    Mormon God: Well this is embarrassing. How should I say this? I didn’t mean that Laban was wicked and you should take his head. I meant Laban is wicked and you should give him head.

  • John Gills

    Just finished Confessions of a Latter-day Virgin by Nicole Hardy. A great read about her struggles as a single woman against the rigidities of the Mormon church.

  • L.Long

    So based on the book of moreman all those serial killers hearing voices in their heads were not bad people, just really good moremans!!!! Who knew?!?!?!?

  • doninkansas

    I think I once saw a porn flick about that sort of thing…

  • RuBall

    this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S

  • elusive

    3 of the 10 commandments. Don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t bear false witness.
    Nephi murders Laban, dresses in his clothes and imitates his voice, and steals the brass plates.

    But it’s OK because voices in Nephi’s head.

  • snoofle

    This little skit reminded me of this video:
    (It’s the Ultimate Dog tease video!)

  • Carla

    Here’s an important question: Why is a 13-year-old asking about methods for murder rather than question the need for it? That brainwashing is far more concerning that any moral her teacher derives from it.

  • Psycho Gecko

    She said, “Why did Nephi have to cut off Laban’s head? Why didn’t he just slit his throat or something?”
    The correct answer is because “There can be only one!”

  • trj

    Good thing the murders and massacres are usually prefaced with statements like “Your God commands…” or “I, the Lord, say to you…”. You can then rest assured that the atrocities are justified and moral.

    The Bible provides the perfect moral compass: ethics by autopilot.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    Jesus christ, what 13 year old when hearing this thinks that it’s better to slit a throat than to behead someone? I have seen so many horror movies and played so many violent video games and my reaction to this would be “go fuck yourself. I am not going to kill someone.”

  • Randy Owens

    Hey, if you’re gonna do the monotheism thing, you’d better do it wholeheartedly, without reservation, right?

  • Randy Meyer

    This. This right here is what I don’t like about blindingly following anyone or anything.

  • Houndentenor

    The Christian Bible is full of these stories, yet we teach them to children. Jephtha to me is the worst. but the flood story is pretty bad. Everyone in the world was wicked enough to deserve death by drowning? Even the children?

    One of the wake-up bells for me to realize I was no longer part of the religion I was raised in was a service (I was paid to be there as a section leader for the choir) and the children’s sermon was about how Jacob stole Esau’s inheritance all told in a jovial manner. Really? This is a story for children? If you don’t get what you want then find a way to get it through trickery and deceit?

    We aren’t as offended by the equally heinous stories in our own culture because we are used to them. try reading them as if you’d never heard them before. It’s horrifying and we tell them to children!

  • SeniorSkeptik

    How to distinguish between the voices of God and Satan? Don’t know.
    A lady near Dallas cut off the arms of her infant girl a few years ago and she told the authorities God told her to do it . For some reason, maybe she didn’t have the right password, the judge didn’t believe her.

    Same with the lady down in Houston who drowned her five sons because god told her they were evil and that she needed to kill them because they were going to hell. The judge wouldn’t believe her either and sent her to a psych hospital.

    I just don’t understand why the judges never believe these devout Christians when they explain it was God’s will.

  • KelpieLass

    And then some christian is going to come along and ask us how we can possibly be moral without following the buybull. I always ask, “have you actually read it?”

    Another example of God’s love for all the little children. Psalm 137:9 “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.”

  • Mike

    First, this is taken out of context with what is actually happening in the story and why this is necessary. It explains it in subsequent versus.

    Second, if an atheist actually believes that Nephi existed, aren’t they validating the truthfulness of The Book of Mormon? Or if they believe that none of the people actually existed and that these are just stories to illustrate points, can’t you read between the lines and realize that no one is talking about murder, just obedience to what they believe is right?

  • KelpieLass

    Sorry. I haven’t read the book of mormon, but the old testament is full of one story after another, presented as history and the infallible word of god, where god commands his chosen people to murder and rape and murder some more.

    It’s pretty sick if you actually slow down and pay attention to the words.

  • Rationalist1

    If it’s taken out of context, then in what context is it okay to listen to God and cut off someone’s head?

    And this is not not obedience to what they believe is right, Nephi had trouble with this command, but did it because God commanded him to. And the moral?

  • Rationalist1

    But if you read that Psalm in its proper context, …. it’s still totally unacceptable.

  • Monika Jankun-Kelly

    Whether based on shreds of history or entirely fictional, it’s a story about a beheading. How exactly is this not murder? It’s not some symbolic parable, it’s about a guy getting his head chopped off.

  • Richard Wade

    Kami should ask why God apparently is as impotent as he is reputed to be almighty. Why does he have to tell thugs to do his dirty work for him?

  • Rationalist1

    A number of years ago I was in my front yard on a perfect day watering the plants while my two year old played under the shade of an almond tree in a inflatable pool.

    Two Mormon missionaries came up and started their talk. I politely stopped them saying I was an atheist. That bothered them and they restarted their talk. I stopped them again and asked them if they believed God sent a flood in the time of Noah to kill every person except six because of the wickedness of humans . They agreed completely. I then asked them no matter how bad humans may have been, what sort of God would cause a flood to kill every child on the planet, including perfectly a perfectly innocent child like this? They said nothing. And more importantly why would you knowingly choose to worship such an moral degenerate? They thanked me for their time and went to the next house?

    Only religion can make good people support the unsupportable.

  • John

    Maybe Jesus had already killed all the other Immortals and nobody else knew how to finish him off.

  • Rationalist1

    No atheist believes Nephi existed. It’s just a made up story by Joseph Smith.

  • John

    If Nephi existed, this is a horrible story of murder and nobody should support a god that would command it.

    If Nephi didn’t exist, this is still a horrible story of murder and nobody should support a cult that thinks their god would command it.

  • Harley Quinn

    Thanks, jerk-face, now I’ve got that awful song stuck in my head. ;-)

  • Padre Will

    See, dude, I’ve got a whole “Walking Dead” thing going on in my head now. Thing is: you *can’t* just slit the throat. Those fucking zombies don’t die that way. Don’t you tell me God didn’t know what he was doing.

  • Matt D

    First, if you want to tell others they are taking something out of context, then you need to EXPLAIN HOW, not expect us to guess….because here’s the kicker; we don’t believe you.

    Second, Atheists don’t beleive Nephi existed, but that has nothing to do with discussing the character. We aren’t validating the “truth” of his existence by speaking about him, anymore than discussing Harry Potter does.

    Third, the litany of reasons you’ve desperately constructed to address why we aren’t “reading between the lines”, is nothing but a poorly constructed dodge to dismiss serious examinations of this text, as is claiming the BOM is a magical tome that can be misinterpreted, or that blindly following commands is “right”.

    Fourth…do you need a dictionary, to understand the definition of murder?

  • Quincy

    lmaaooooooooooo reminds me of the highlander series..

  • trj

    God is aware of his own anger issues. When he starts killing, shit tends to get out of hand and thousands die. Better to limit the damage by having someone else take care of it. Just goes to show he’s a loving god.

  • Quincy

    Man u just couldnt make this stuff up, waaaait a min, they did just make this up….Moving on!!

  • randomfactor

    I believe the proper answer is something like “Hasa diga eebowai.”

  • LoveGay Mormons

    that sort of justifies the mountain meadows massacre just outside of st george.. 1857 lds church leaders murdered over 100 innocent men, women and children from a wagon train passing nearby…

  • LoveGay Mormons

    and about laban?? nephi got the plates but joseph smith didnt ever use them to translate the bofm.. he just looked at a magic rock in the bottom of his hat..

  • Gehennah

    We don’t think that Nephi existed, so no, we are not validating the “Truth” of some convicted conman’s book. And it is teaching children blind obedience no matter what, even if that does mean killing another individual. This is extremely dangerous to teach to impressionable children.

    Especially when you cannot tell the difference between an actual delusion and god talking to you. Things like that is why mother’s drown their children because “god said so,” and its sick.

  • Gehennah

    Unfortunately that is also the type of thinking that leads parents to kill their children, or to shoot up the neighborhood because “god told them to”

  • Gehennah

    Two Mormons helped my friends move into their new apartment in New York a few years ago, was really nice of them.

    Then when the Mormons found out they were lesbians, they just turned and went away.

  • Anna

    Hemant, this thread is another example of the dead link problem:

    It says it was posted on the 4th, not the 7th.


    The moral? I make the rules, so I can tell you when to break them.

    (Substitute ‘the voices in your head’ for one or more instances of ‘I’, as you see fit)

  • busterggi

    God sounds like Gilbert Gottfried, Satan like Paul Lynde.

  • Anna

    I agree! That’s a great book, although I find it amazing that even after her religion put her through so much turmoil, she still never gets around to questioning her belief in a deity.


    Now in this passage, god sounds like Gilbert Gottfried. Not sure who gets cast as Nephi.

  • Gehennah

    The fear of eternal punishment is a great way to keep someone in line when indoctrinated from youth.

    One of Fred Phelp’s sons is an Atheist now, but it took him a really long time to finally come around to that because of the fear of hell.

  • Mike

    So just the fact that people believe in it makes it horrible versus a fictional book that no one believes in? Better watch out Game of Thrones crowd.

    And again, look at the context of what was happening in the story.

  • trj

    Game of Thrones fans don’t pretend its story is real, and they don’t hold up the murders as moral or examples to be followed. That’s where they differ from you.


    Regardless of whether Nephi existed, or whether someone believe Nephi existed, it’s a horrible story of a murder.

    What’s the context in which cutting someone’s head off isn’t a horrible murder story?

    Could you please provide a link to where Game of Thrones is used as a book of instructions? My internet access at work is somewhat restricted.

  • Rich Wilson

    What atheists believe is that there are people out there who believe in Nephi, Abraham et al, and that these believers believe that a ‘God’ told Nephi etc to do horrible thing, and that Nephi etc should be revered for having followed horrible-God’s orders. That’s what we believe.

  • Douglas

    Wow guys, are your internees broke? Even I could read the sarcasm in the Game of Thrones comment.

  • Feminerd

    He’s either a very good Poe or for real, Douglas. I think Mike’s really arguing that if a holy book advocates horrible things, and fiction books have bad things in them, therefore the advocacy of horrible things in holy books is not a problem.

    I don’t understand the logic in that idea, but it seems to be what he’s saying.

  • Feminerd

    Nope, just a partial one, since God is presumably circumsized.

    I really, really hope that pun was intentional!

  • Gehennah

    I read it as sarcasm, really hope it’s sarcasm too.

  • Feminerd

    I can’t tell :(

  • Gehennah

    This is why I suggest that all sarcasm actually have punctuation. I feel that the appropriate punctuation for sarcasm is :) since it makes us smile :)

  • Reid Osborn

    Just shove Jesus into a wood chipper, but don’t get caught by the cops!

  • C.L. Honeycutt

    I rather prefer the Order of the Stick method: keep cutting off heads and making new ones grow until it passes out from low blood pressure. Then use it to power an infinite BBQ shack.

    Ooohhh, we need to grow some hydra babies!

  • John

    Even if the Game of Thrones bit was sarcastic, the rest of his point is still invalid and trj’s rebuttal still holds.

  • KelpieLass

    Someone could use The Wizard of Oz as evidence that it’s okay to kill anyone you believe to be a witch. A horrible “moral” lesson could be taken from just about any fictional story. This wouldn’t make the story true, but it is still a disgusting message to send a child.

  • Anna

    That didn’t seem to be Hardy’s problem. She had a lot of non-Mormon friends and even dated atheists. She never mentioned fearing hell, but I thought it was strange that even after she decided to leave the Mormon religion, she didn’t appear to question whether or not it was true. There was no mention of ceasing to believe in Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon, and she seems committed to her belief in a (more liberal, more inclusive) deity.

  • RGiles

    For legal reasons you can’t “double-tap.” Instead issue a “controlled pair.”

  • islandbrewer

    Bob Newhart

    … or maybe Tommy Chong.

  • Robster

    Yeah, if they didn’t do the nail to the cross thing, there’d be none of those attractive and inviting dead guy on a stick plastic figures so beloved by those addicted to the jesus cult. The dead jesus’ wood carvings are better, at least you could burn those and get some value out of it in the way of heat.

  • Mario Strada

    Reading this girl’s blog is like eating sugar, laced with honey, with a serving spoon. Everything is “super” this and great that. And all she does is go around to every poor slob that has ever given previous “missionaries” reason for hope and talk to them until they relent.

    The part I find really funny is all these stories of young guys suddenly wanting to attend church and get baptized. I wonder how many of them have plans to explore the magic underwear.

  • Hemant Mehta

    I think I know the issue but I’m not sure the solution. Sometimes, I write posts and schedule them, only to “bump” them for other stories. For whatever reason, the initial link (not the one that ultimately goes up) is the one remembered by Disqus. I’ll see if Patheos can fix this.

  • WingedBeast

    Well, first off, fed on horror movies and the like, there’s always those questions that say “Okay, not that I’m on Jason’s side, here, but he’s obviously making things too hard for himself…”
    But, also, it’s a reasonable question. “He’s already making me kill another human being. Why is it so necessary that I do so in such a gruesome manner as a beheading?” The question of “Wouldn’t it be immoral to kill someone even if God told you to do it?” is not an allowable question. By the time one is 13, a good number of unwritten rules get chiseled in mental stone.

  • midnight rambler

    Okay, I went and actually read it (which was extremely painful, given Joseph Smith’s writing style; literally almost every verse, 22/26, begins with “And”, and half of them begin with “And it came to pass…”). The subsequent verses tell about how Nephi steals everything Laban owns, impersonates him to his servants, then convinces one of Laban’s servants to join him.

    Which makes it sound even worse to me – in the intro Nephi says he doesn’t have any plan of what to do (yeah right), then the voice of God comes into his head telling him to kill Laban, after which he steals everything. Scumbag A-number-one right there.

  • tweedmeister

    I was a Mormon for 59 years (not so devoted toward the end of my tenure). I terminated my Mormon membership in 2009 due to this kind of wholesale weirdness illustrated by your account above. I was part of a nutty tribe. Mormonism is not like Presbyterianism, like Methodism, or like Roman Catholicism, or like being any kind of normal church-going believer. Mormonism is definitely on the fringe of quasi-Christianity. I say “quasi” because, in Mormonism, one professes to believe in Jesus, all the while seldom or even never talking about or teaching about Jesus. Joseph Smith, on the other hand… Well, that’s another story. Joseph Smith led a perfect life. (In Mormonism it is important to ignore Smith’s many indiscretions such as serial adultery.) Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon. (In Mormonism it is important to not read the accounts of Smith’s own family and scribes relating to his using a rock in a hat to “translate” gold plates that were never present in the room.) Joseph Smith was a martyr. (In Mormonism it is important to overlook the times he absconded when in trouble with the law for fraud and deception. And most importantly, that he and his brother both had revolvers on their person when attacked at Carthage jail, and that Smith wounded three men in what was actually a shoot-out rather than technically a “martyrdom.”) Joseph Smith taught that he would be mankind’s advocate after death; Brigham Young perpetuated that belief. So, apparently, Joseph Smith will replace Jesus. No wonder almost all talk centers around Smith and not Jesus.

    Mormons are instructed by the highest levels of their leadership to not read and to totally ignore the history of their own origins, and are persistently instructed to never use outside sources (think “Internet”) when preparing a lesson or talk to be given in church. Mormonism is very restrictive. As you can see from the story posted by this most naive young girl, Mormonism is also a series of silly and nonsensically strung together patterns of thought. Without this rather simple-minded naivete, it is quite simply impossible to pursue Mormonism.

  • Jon Starr

    Kylee must have been reading a poor translation. Nephi was actually commanded to cut off both of his victim’s butt cheeks. Less dvout people commonly ask if one would not have been sufficient; this is the origin of the term “half-assed”.

  • Guest

    In defense of Mormonism, all religion have their crazy points and crazier followers. In defense of all other major religions, the Mormon religion is way crazier.

  • tweedmeister

    Fair enough. Except for the Jehovah’s Witnesses, though, right? I mean, they’re cool, right?

  • DJ

    I hate to say this, but I don’t think Kami was asking out of disgust for the moral repugnance of the act, but out of the more morbid need to know why not just do the minimum needed to kill. “Why not just cut the throat?” is not a question someone morally horrified by the act would come up with, but rather the question a kid comes up with when a story plot device doesn’t make sense. (Always have kids read your sci-fi fantasy and adventure scripts, they’ll tell you exactly what doesn’t make sense pretty darn quick.) Remember, we’re talking about a kid here, they’re generally fascinated by this stuff more than horrified at that age.

  • Kirc

    Apparently, her cousin “judyblue” posted at showing great concern over her well-being.

  • Timothy R Alexander

    To be fair, I think most religions have the same bullshit answer for things like this. I dont have a sepcific example, but I’m sure some kid has asked the same thing about a bible story, and gotten the same damned answer.

  • Dandini

    Just seems so little as compared to what occurs in the Old Testament of the Bible. . .

  • TheGunslinger

    Let’s get the “facts” right here. 1 NEPHI 4:7;

    Nevertheless I went forth, and as I came near unto the house of Laban I beheld a man, and he had fallen to the earth beforeme, for he was drunken with wine;
    I am not going to copy and paste the rest of this bat-shit-crazy story of Nephi.
    Laban was an intelligent man but greedy and of course all intelligent men love wine;

    Laban actually ran this dumbass (Nephi) off 2 times before and made it clear that Nephi (dumbass) was not getting the brass plate that held his father’s lineage.
    This Nephi is also kind of a narcissist; several times he talks about how big, strong, and handsome he is. (All humble men of the lord are honorable and only cut the heads off of passed-out drunks)

    Nephi’s brothers were as dumb as a bag of hammers too.

    Oh, like Noah, Nephi builds a boat too. Not really, only after the umpteenth time of his brothers lack in “faith” did he finally convince them it was what the lord wanted (he takes all credit for building the boat).
    My main point is: I cannot wrap my head around how people would ever believe these bat-shit-crazy stories. My brain starts hurting just trying to imagine believing this. If that makes any sense at all.