Jesus Called, Kim Answered

Share your favorite epitaph. This, for now, is mine:

Damn good thing I have Jesus on my ‘blocked’ list.

(via Dangerous Minds)

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • FaithIsGlorifiedDelusion

    If Jesus ever calls you, for fuck sake people, DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE! Look what happened to Kim!

    • SeniorSkeptik

      LOL LOL

      • therbert03

        I second this endorsement! LOL!!

    • EdmondWherever

      The call is coming from inside the church!

    • Mario Strada

      Good thing I have caller ID.

    • Jeff

      I never answer the phone when it is a number I don’t know.

      • Jeff

        But would that mean if Satan called, the number would be 666?

        • Little_Magpie

          or is that just his area code?

    • FTP_LTR

      A message of hope or a life-saving warning.

      It’s all in the tone of voice.

      It’s hard to chisel tone of voice into marblereconsituted stone.

      • DavidMHart

        Your first two lines were in perfect dactyls (or anapaests perhaps); it sounded like the start of a poem. I think you should follow through on that.

    • C Peterson

      But if you answer, don’t you get a week to tie up loose ends? Or am I confusing Jesus with somebody else? All these myths start running together…

      • Itarion

        No, to get the week you have to beat him in a game.

        • The Other Weirdo

          Battleship? Twister?

          • Itarion


    • Tiny Tim

      You know, if thats real I wonder what her family thinks of you ridiculing Kim like that?

      I would think you were scum of the earth.

      • FaithIsGlorifiedDelusion

        Do you know how many fucks I give for what you or anyone else thinks? I added them all up and the answer is:

        • wmdkitty

          *stalk stalk stalk*





      • David McNerney

        Her family think she is talking on the telephone to some guy who died 2000 years ago.

        They have a lot bigger problems than getting ridiculed on an atheist forum.

      • C Peterson

        It’s her bloody family that’s doing the ridiculing by sticking a ridiculous stone over her head in the first place.

        Or maybe, Kim had a good sense of humor, and would love the laughter. I know that if I ever have a tombstone, I’d like something that brings laughter on it.

        • Mario Strada

          Which coming from you (yes, I read your posts) is a compliment.

  • John Dentinger

    Richard Wiseman had the all-time BEST epitaph: “Always finish what you . . . .”

  • Mario Strada

    I can just see a little girl walking by with her parents in 2113, looking at the engraving and asking her parents “Mom, Dad, what is that thing the lady has growing out of the side of her face?”

    • A3Kr0n

      I’m old enough not to have noticed that.

    • FTP_LTR

      I can just see a little girl walking by with her parents in 2113 2020, looking at the engraving and asking her parents “Mom, Dad, what is that thing the lady has growing out of the side of her face?”

      Fixed that for you. :)

      We’re raising a connected generation.

      I’ve had an eight year old express sympathy for me because there was no internet when I was growing up.

      • therbert03

        About a year ago, my then-8-year-old saw a drawing of a phone and asked, “Mommy, what’s that curly thing.” (i.e., the cord).

        • FTP_LTR

          Try explaining a rotary dial telephone to a kid…

          It seems as archaic as picking up the handset and telling the operator what number you wanted to be connected to.

          (Oh… picking up the handset? Yes, it gives you a dial tone when you pick it up. What? A dial tone? Gahshutupandgoplayminecraft.)

          • Itarion

            So, I write these words down on paper? Then I put it in this mailbox here? Then a man on a horse comes by, and runs it along roads to the destination?

            Three questions: what’s paper? what’s a mailbox? what’s a horse?

      • David McNerney

        I can just see a little girl walking by with her parents in 2113 2020, looking at the engraving and asking her parents “Mom, Dad, what is that thing the lady has growing out of the side of her face Who’s Jesus?”

        Fixed that for you. :) …well, we can always dream.

      • Mario Strada

        I actually sympathize with the eight year old. Sometime I wonder myself how I got anything done.

        But it reminds me of something I either read or heard some time ago, about an equally young child telling his/her parents, whom were desperately looking for a discharged cordless phone extension (I paraphrase) “Phones should be attached with a string so we don’t lose them all the time”

  • David

    more reason to be on the government’s do not call list

  • C.J. O’Brien

    Damned good thing He hasn’t found out about Twitter yet, ’cause that could be trouble.

  • # zbowman

    Spike Milligan.

    “I Told You I Was Ill.”

  • Peter Mountain

    “Lose weight now; Ask me how!”

  • Croquet_Player

    Lux Interior, lead singer for The Cramps: “Dig This”.

  • Incensed American

    My parents had a little card-stock paper sign near their TV. It read, “What would Jesus watch?” I always thought to myself, the First thing he’d do is say, Holy Shit! A talking Box!

    • FTP_LTR

      Or perhaps
      איזה חרא!תיבה מדברת

      • The Other Weirdo

        Wait! Does that say “Holy Shit! A talking box?” in Hebrew?

        • FTP_LTR

          Fluent in Hebrew Google Translate. :)

      • diogeneslamp0

        Jesus spoke Aramaic.

        Just say in.

        • FTP_LTR

          Google translate doesn’t have an option for Aramaic ;-)

  • Ross Thompson
  • Todd

    One of my favorites is Mel Blanc’s: “That’s all folks”.

  • Guest

    Silly creatures.

  • Greg G.

    I remember when Jesus only stood at the door and knocked.

  • Rev. Ouabache

    Leslie Nielsen’s: “Let ‘er rip”

    • shiny1

      “I don’t know where I’ll be then, Doc, but I won’t smell to good, that’s for sure.”

  • SansDeus

    “Seven.. Days..”

  • Mick

    I’ve already composed the epitaph for my gravestone:

    Now the rot sets in

    • Feminerd

      The worms go nom nom nom

    • TrickQuestion

      well, he’s gone
      that’s all they said
      he lived his life
      and now he’s dead

  • TnkAgn

    In an interview, actor Deforest Kelley was asked what he wanted on his tombstone. He replied that he feared it might be, “He’s dead, Jim.” Kelley was cremated and his ashes spread over the Pacific Ocean

  • Itarion

    Jesus just wants you to know he appreciates your gratitude.

  • m6wg4bxw

    It seems incomplete. I’d be tempted to add something. “Jesus called and Kim answered. He instructed her to kill and dismember the person now buried beneath your feet.

    I don’t know why, but this also reminded me of 976-EVIL.

  • Susan_G1

    Ludolph van Ceulen: “3.14159265358979323846264338327950″

  • Ella Warnock

    Back in the day, Jesus had to leave a message on the answering machine!

    And cerveza delivery was rather problematic:

  • ecm192

    Royal Tenenbaum: “Royal O’Reilly Tenenbaum (1932-2001) Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship”

  • RebeccaSparks

    The time expired parking meter is my favorite tombstone at the moment –

  • CultOfReason

    My favorite is still the classic…

    “I told you I was sick”

  • wmdkitty

    “Dave’s not here, man.”

  • dsmith

    Christian…Well, at least they’re in a better place.
    Atheist…In the ground?