Jesus Reborn – On Kickstarter, In Dark Chocolate

You know what would look good at the foot of my Festivus pole?

This limited-edition dark-chocolate Jesus-on-a-cross, sprinkled with sea salt — a new project on Kickstarter:

To be fair, the idea isn’t entirely new. Tom Waits, on 1999′s Mule Variations, sings of visiting a (possibly fictional) candy store and buying a chocolate Jesus — the only treat that, he rasps reverently, can satisfy his soul.

And in 2005, Italian-Canadian sculptor Cosimo Cavallaro crafted a life-size chocolate Jesus that had Catholic League blowhard Bill Donohue seeing red. Donohue told Cavallaro that the artwork was “one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever,” and added, “You’re lucky I’m not like the Taliban, because you would lose more than your head.”

Speaking of losing one’s head, the face of Cavallaro’s 200-pound Christ confection got partially eaten by rats when the sculpture was stored in a Brooklyn warehouse for a while. Pretty sure those rats went straight to hell, though.

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • Baby_Raptor

    That might be the only thing that could make dark chocolate bad…

    • The Other Weirdo

      It is never bad to bite off the head of Jesus zombie-style.

  • WallofSleep


  • Paula M Marshall

    Who ruins chocolate by putting SALT on it? Yuck.

    • Terry Firma

      I think they’re just trying to rub salt in Jesus’s wounds.

      But seriously, I would have said the same thing a year ago. Then I tried some Ghirardelli chocolates sprinkled with a bit of seasalt. They’re excellent.

      • Feminerd

        Salted caramels recently became a favorite of mine. I can’t believe I spent so many years missing out!

    • kpax2012

      Try it. It’s good! Especially with sea salt. And there is also caramels dipped in chocolate and then covered with sea salt. And don’t forget to try chocolate covered bacon from Marinis Candies. It has a natural saltiness and crunch. Can you tell I like chocolate? LOL.

    • revyloution

      If you ever get the chance, try to eat a piece of chocolate that has zero salt in it. It doesn’t even taste like chocolate, but some waxy sugary weird flavor. Salt is essential for the flavor chocolate. The sea salt on the outside does add some different flavors, and is quite nice.

      • Nate Frein

        “Father, you are the salt to my chocolate”

    • allein

      Haven’t you ever had chocolate covered pretzels? The salt is what makes the combo so good!

  • WallofSleep

    “And in 2005, Italian-Canadian sculptor Cosimo Cavallaro crafted a life-size chocolate Jesus that had Catholic League blowhard Bill Donohue seeing red.”

    Of course he saw red. Everybody knows that the body of christ is dry, papery, and bland, not creamy, chocolatey, and delicious.

    • Terry Firma

      Cavallaro’s work was a riff on Catholic transsubstantiation, the doctrine that a consecrated wafer turns into the ACTUAL body of their savior. See, when THEY turn Christ into a foodstuff, it’s an act of supreme reverence. When anyone else does it, it’s an outrage.

      • Rob U

        Or they might be genuinely scared.

        If a cracker becomes the body of Christ then you’re only one step away from a giant chocolate Jesus attacking New York, and it’s not like Venkman and the gang are getting any younger. Besides after they cleaned up all that marshmallow how are we supposed to make s’mores? :-)

        Or he’s just upset at the thought of anyone putting a piece of a man in their mouth, especially other men, and deriving any kind of pleasure from it.

        • WallofSleep

          “If a cracker becomes the body of Christ [some cool, insightful shit] how are we supposed to make s’mores?”

          That reminds me of a dude who wrote up some D&D type rules for gingerbread golems, to be used as messengers. If I can track him down, I’ll see if we can concoct a giant, graham cracker version.

          If we can get Choco-Christ, the Stay Puft dude, and a giant Graham Golem into a three-way brawl, then cross the streams, we may just have a chance of creating enough s’mores that the world gets sick of them, and humanity can finally rid itself of it’s nonsensical obsession with this so called campfire “treat”.

          Or, we end up destroying the very fabric of reality. Either way is cool with me, ‘cuz they both end in no more s’mores.

  • ThyGoddess

    Well the guy did say to basically eat him…

    • Terry Firma

      Jesus to atheists: “Bite me.” So they did.

  • Randy Meyer

    Burning in Hell for all eternity never tasted so good!!

  • Fentwin

    edit; had posted the lyrics to “Chocolate Jesus” then I noticed the quite obvious link (that I didn’t notice at first) to this outstanding tune. :)

  • Dan Robinson

    I don’t care if it rains or freezes
    ‘Long as I got my chocolate Jeezuz

  • Matt Eggler

    If the Catholic Church passed out dark chocolate hosts and wine instead of those crappy wafers I bet church attendance wouldn’t be in the lousy state it is.

    • drakvl

      My thoughts exactly. Pump in some cherry filling and that’s a Eucharist I could get behind!

      • Matt Eggler

        Maybe they could keep the whole wafer thing; a butter biscuit toped with dark chocolate like those “little schoolboy” cookies. Then again that probably has uncomfortable connotations for Catholics…

  • Sajanas

    Wow, screw that ‘trying to get people back to church with craft beer’ plan. Give out artisanal chocolate wafers and port at communion, and you’ll see people coming back every week.

  • TiltedHorizon

    Jesus Christ that looks delicious!

  • Pithecanthropus

    They used to say that if you ate a chocolate bunny feet first it meant one thing, if you ate it ears first it meant another… Me? I’m an ear eater. I wonder where I’d start on a chocolate Jesus.

    • Itarion

      Eat his hands, and then his feet, and then take a bite out of his side. Then if you hide it for a few days, it’ll be back.

    • Little_Magpie

      i’d start on his crotch. coz i’m a twisted little kitty. :)

  • SansDeus

    Why does Jesus always look so cross?