How to Get Rid of Religious Proselytizers in One Easy Step

The fun starts at 0:35:


About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.

  • Geena Safire


    • Terry Firma

      It’s succinct, I’ll give you that.

      • Geena Safire

        …and that’s it! Period!

        Actually, Terry, I had written, hours ago, that the link was 404. Then the link got fixed. So the comment was no longer relevant. But Disqus doesn’t let you actually “delete” a comment. The comment stays where you put it, and just changes the commenter name to Guest (and removes it from your dashboard). So I deleted to the extent possible.
        EDIT: Also, if it has been changed to Guest, then you cannot edit it ever again. You’d have to ask the moderator to remove it. So edit it first to something very short, then delete it.

        • Guest


          • Rich Wilson


            • 3lemenope

              One word posts are interesting. They could mean anything.

              But an ellipsis is too much. Over the top!

              • Artor

                But what if it’s only a third of an ellipsis? Is that too much?

              • JohnnieCanuck

                It’s actually just 3 periods, pretending to be an ellipsis…

                Can you tell the difference?

        • Geena Safire

          Since this was popular…

          Italics: Put before text <i> After text </i>
          Underscore: same but with ‘u’
          Bold: same but with ‘strong’
          Strike-thru: same but with ‘strike’

          Links with words instead of raw:
          <a href=””>some relevant words</a>

          • Rich Wilson

            And <blockquote>

            Some text you want to include from another comment


  • Conspirator

    I followed the link and found a video of a two apparently Korean women asking the guy if his wife was Korean. Seems they were looking for someone specific. Perhaps they were members of a Korean church and were lead to believe that a Korean woman was living there and were coming to proselytize to her. But I don’t see how there’s any indication that these women are Jehovah’s Witnesses or anything like that.

    • alfaretta

      Can’t see the link, but Conspirator’s post reminded me of some proselytizers who came to my door recently. Two men, one Asian, one Caucasian — the Caucasian appeared to push the Asian forward. I started to handle them my usual way — I smile and say “Thanks, I’m not interested,” but they asked me if I knew of any Koreans they could talk to in the neighborhood. I got the impression they were Baptists, but I could be wrong.

    • Wrich

      I do have Jehovah’s Witnesses of Hispanic Origin come to my house on a twice weekly basis during the summer and ask if I or anyone in my house is Hispanic. They give me some great Drew Struzan art, and I just talk to them about Star Wars…

      • Latinista

        I´m Latino and the same thing used to happen to me. A couple of Latino old ladies used to come to the house and would start talking to me in Spanish about their Jehova… I´d smile and say, “I don’t speak Spanish” and they would look at me funny and start talking in heavily-accented English… That’s when I’d say to them, still smiling: “No Hablo Inglés Tampoco” (I don´t speak English, either)… The look on their faces… awesome!!! And then I´d close the door in their faces… which by the way, is kind of an insult to people of Latino origin, at least to those of Puertorican descent! Loved it every time!

      • CanadianNihilist

        I have a Hispanic last name so I always get these J-Witnesses showing up and speaking Spanish to me when I open the door.
        I usually stare blankly at them for a bit, tell them in English that I’m sorry and I don’t speak Spanish and then I close the door before they can say anything in English to me.

    • Vukota Pecota

      If you ever go down to Flushing, New York, it’s like the Korean bible belt. There are churches everywhere. I have a particular disdain for them since they’ll target Koreans (I’m part-Korean which is how I know) in the parking lots of Korean stores. Without fail I’ve noticed they always target the people in the higher priced cars first.

    • wialno28

      This happens to one of my white friends all the time. She and her husband’s last names are Lee, so I guess the church just assumes they are Asian. It frustrates them to no end, and they haven’t been able to get these people to stop bothering them. If they don’t answer the door, they just get literature in Korean left on their porch. My point is, even if they are making the assumption you describe, it’s still annoying and gross.

  • Abbé Faria

    I just opened the door in my underwear. They blushed and walked away.

    • Sam B

      I stick my head around the door and apologise for being naked – whether I am or not, it usually works.

      • Jason Adams

        I deliberately strip to the buff right behind the door, then answer it.

  • TnkAgn

    I had a Rottweiler back when I lived in CA. He was ordinarily the sweetest animal, loved children and even other animals. But one day some religion peddlers came to the door. I tried the perfunctory, “Thanks, but I’m not interested,” but a rather hostile response from their leader was, “I guess you’re not interested in saving your soul from Hell then!” That’s when my dog Wiz, sensing this belligerence, charged THROUGH the screen door, jaws open wide and frothy. As the would-be proselytizers ran down the street, I heard one of them cry out, “That’s the Omen dog!”

    Damn, but I miss old Wiz.

    • akshelby

      My Max Rottie would do the same. He was 130 lbs and people would back away when he would stick his head around the door. “That’s a big dog,” they’d say and slowly back away. He wouldn’t even have to growl. It was even more fun when it was drunk people knocking on my door. They’d trip over themselves to go away. I need another Max.

    • Vukota Pecota

      It’s always been said dogs are a great judge of character. I think this story proves it.

    • monyNH

      I have a yorkie/chihuahua mix…good thing I live on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, because she’d be useless. :)

  • Beth Clarkson

    This is hysterical. Thanks for sharing!

  • Paul D von Nahme

    stick your head out, look left and right, suspiciously, and say …” You guys here for the body? There’s blood everywhere, help me clean this guy up” ;-)

  • Rich Wilson

    I don’t even get the knocks. Granted, before adding the “proselytizing” they knocked and insisted it didn’t apply to them. The LDS even knocked again after I had closed to door to inform me that my sign didn’t apply to them. But now- peace.

    • Feminerd

      I don’t know if you care, but technically your sign doesn’t include non-profits that aren’t selling you anything but just canvassing.

    • Stev84
      • Rich Wilson

        We have been thinking of an FSM light display on the lawn. Not sure anyone will get it though.

  • JLP3

    My brothers and I once told a Hari Krishna at the airport we were followers of Thor. He backed off very quickly.

  • calesuar

    Hilarious. However, when I have the time I prefer to engage them, point all the contradictions, and I am careful, as I speak to them, to stay focused and within the constraint of every thing that I say to them from the stand point that the bible was written by men. I don’t speak of gods, I speak of writers, from that point of view. It’s all about what the writers said in this or that instant. If they say Jesus, I respond, yes, that’s what the writer said in that sentence. It’s like playing a perfect match of tennis, hitting back every ball they throw at me. After 30 minutes of this, they are done with their repertoire, but not I, I continue. Their politeness doesn’t allow them to leave right away, so they listen to me, in pain, to my polite responses and sermons about being good because it makes sense, why are they leaving their children at home instead of being responsible parents and dedicate their time to them, listen to them, play ball, etc, etc. 30 minutes later, it’s funny to see them agonize for an excuse to get the hell out of my porch. And I think, they mark my house with a big X for future proselytizers to stay the hell away from my house. This is one advantage, the other one is that you never know when you’ll be able to insert the seed of doubt in one of them, and be the catalyst for to break free from their indoctrinated chains, and become free at last in their near future. Show them that your grass is indeed greener on your side of the fence. Good without gods.

    • Robster

      It’s always a giggle when they respond to the truthful statement that their nasty old book was fabricated by Bronze age goat herders. I had one say that “(insert name here) was educated as a lawyer!”. Yeah, by what? They had lawyers in the bible? S’pose there are stranger things in it.

  • Vangie13
  • DonnaCM

    I used to have a 110lb black German Shepherd named Satan. She (that’s right, this antichrist was a girl) used to bark like mad when the doorbell rang. Usually I’d have her sit before opening the door. Usually. But when it was Jehovah’s Witnesses (or members of the various other churches that used to grace my front step), I’d hook a finger under her collar and open the door while she was still barking and jumping about. The expression on their faces when I gently said “Satan, can you sit for Mom, please?” and she’d plunk down and be quiet was worth it every single time.

    Funnily enough, none of them ever tried very hard to convert me.

    • Itarion

      I’ve done some door to door for advertising purposes, and I’m familiar with dogs. The only dog that managed to actually scare me was a German shepherd. I would pay money to see this happen.

  • AntieQ

    My husband once invited two of these ladies in for group sex. They declined. Then, there was the pair that knocked on the door of the little white house next to the big white church. He invited them in for quite a conversation. I wonder if they ever figured out why a biblical scholar lived in the parsonage! DUH!

  • R. Piereck

    A friend of mine who is bolder, or crazier than most people (depending on who you ask), once got tired of Jehovah’s Witnesses coming to his home on Saturday mornings. So he decided to answer the door for them, wearing nothing but his birthday suit, holding a two foot long dildo in one hand. Needless to say they never returned.

    • sara

      I tried that, but they went right into their speech, just as thought nothing was unusual.

      • Patrick

        When they called on me the other day , they were carrying bibles, two foot dildos and naked except for wearing gasmasks and combat boots.
        Quite some religion that must be.

    • PrimateZero

      I wanted to try that but I’d be wearing combat boots and a gas mask.

  • baal

    The only time I had JWs show up I wasn’t dressed. I did pull on some pants before opening the door and when they started I told them I’m an atheist and was planning to raise my son that way. They looked startled and then turned and fast walked away.

  • mac

    That didn’t work in SF. NOTHING worked. Those VERMIN rang my bell on a saturday morning once every three months for 15 fucking years.

    • LiveFree0rDie

      Got rid of them the first time I moved.

      I got some No trespassing signs and some No solicitors signs and put them on my fence. For good measure I flew a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag. Surprisingly, those people still knocked.

      As such I got my AR-15 and my holster with a .45 caliber handgun (BTW… I am a cop) and I answered the door with my weapons hidden. I had them back up about 15 feet and asked if they could read.

      They stated Yes.

      I then opened the door fully, chambered a round in my AR-15 and flicked off the safety and said well I guess that makes you trespassers then.

      They have never been back since. I think they have my house on the No-go list.

      • mac

        It’s not that I don’t believe you.
        Oh wait, yes it is.

  • ShoeUnited

    You can just tell them that you’re an atheist. They’re friendly about it. Sure they probably will think you’ll burn in hell, but they won’t act on it. Every time I’ve done it, we both laugh a bit I wish them a good day, they do the same life moves on.

    If you don’t want to be confrontational, go to a shop and get one of those 99 cent US flags and stick it in your window. They won’t even come knocking (lot of bs but basically they believe demons are literally in the government that’s why they won’t say things like the pledge etc.).

    • JohnnieCanuck

      Good thing the driveways here are too long for all but the most dedicated. Don’t think a US or a Canuck flag, for that matter, would help.

  • Dan Robinson

    I’m waiting for them to come when I happen to be wearing a skirt which I sometimes do. I will just greet them as myself and see what happens. I did engage a couple in debate some time back. I wasn’t in a skirt but my toenails are always polished and I got the evil eye from the lady. I also noticed that the man would answer when I tried to talk to the lady. Stupid mysogynist. So I finally directly asked the lady if she would like to speak and again the guy answered for her. I don’t think she ever said a word but the way she looked at me was pretty harsh. I think she had never before been so close to a real atheist and a cross dresser to boot! YIKES!

  • Tobias 27772

    A couple of wingnuts came to visit me last week. I just stood on the front porch and gave them a big belly laugh. They backed away and got back in thier car and I felt better for the big laugh. I love free entertainment !

  • primenumbers

    Unfortunately he was not correctly performing his civic duty to keep the proselytizers talking as long as possible and thus unable to convert anyone to their whacky religious beliefs. Getting rid of unwanted proselytizers is not what you must do – you must either try to de-convert them or at very least keep them busy.

  • wmdkitty

    I… haven’t had any issues with proselytisers coming to my door. I have, however, been approached in the park and just, like, randomly in town a few times.

  • raerants

    A friend of mine related a story to me in which a JW came to her door and asked if he could hold her hand. She gave him permission, and he took her hand in both of his. And then she told him that she was on her period. }:-D

  • GeorgeLocke

    You can hear laughter from inside immediately after they leave. Priceless.