Finally, Convincing Evidence That Gay Marriage Does Cause Floods

Rushing to the aid of embattled U.K. councilman David Silvester, who recently claimed that being gay was “a ‘spiritual disease’ and that the country had been ‘beset by storms’ since the passing of the gay marriage bill,” British columnist Dean Burnett, tongue planted firmly in cheek, decisively explains the shocking meteorology behind gay couples getting hitched.

Logically, same-sex marriage leads to an increase in the number of weddings. Weddings invariably involve a large number of people congregating in one place, which leads to a lot of body heat and warming, and this heat enters the atmosphere, increasing the air temperature and producing more warm fronts.

People also cry a lot at weddings. This is likely to be even more pronounced at same-sex weddings, with the added element of recently achieved equality making the events even more poignant. Tears are basically water, which quickly evaporate, thus adding to the water content of the atmosphere.

He must be attending a gay wedding

Weddings also typically involve a lot of alcohol, which makes people colder, meaning they’re more likely to turn on heating systems when they arrive home, releasing more heat and CO2 into the atmosphere.

There’s also an indirect effect:

It would be difficult to deny that a lot of people don’t like homosexuals for no logical reason. For proof of this, you can probably just read some of the inevitable comments below this article. But gay people do tend to make chunks of the population unreasonably angry. Increased rainfall is a likely consequence of the amount of steam shooting from the ears of people … whenever homosexuals have their rights recognized by the majority of people. Such a sudden influx of infuriated water-vapor into the air can only have negative consequences in a chaotic climate like the UK’s.

This is often accompanied by a surge in angry comments/blogposts/online rants, generating heat via servers and computers. There is also an increase in newspaper space given over to those opposed to same-sex marriage complaining about their rights being eroded or them being censored with no self-awareness at all. All this newspaper comes from trees, and cutting down trees increases the risk of flooding.

Burnett has other sciencey rib-ticklers right here.

(Image via Shutterstock)

About Terry Firma

Terry Firma, though born and Journalism-school-educated in Europe, has lived in the U.S. for the past 20-odd years. Stateside, his feature articles have been published in the New York Times, Reason, Rolling Stone, Playboy, and Wired. Terry is the founder and Main Mischief Maker of Moral Compass, a site that pokes fun at the delusional claim by people of faith that a belief in God equips them with superior moral standards.


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