God Doesn’t Know Where You’re Going Either

The Onion has a major scoop:

The God of Abraham said that the varied religious and spiritual beliefs about the afterlife held by His 7.1 billion human creations were “nothing more than speculation,” before noting that He doesn’t think science and philosophy have all the answers, either. He emphasized that He understands intellectually that human beings are physical things that He made from atoms like everything else, but that He couldn’t help but wonder if they each also possessed some unique eternal essence that continued living on after their bodies died.

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