God Is Done With Drunken Snowmobilers Expecting a Near-Death Experience

Think twice before you crash your snowmobile this winter — the Lord has had it with your over-the-top expectations of paying Him a temporary visit.

Quoth the Onion:

Saying He was fed up with providing His divine assistance in such cases, the Lord Our God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, proclaimed Thursday He would no longer bestow transcendent near-death experiences upon people who crash their snowmobiles.

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“From now on, if you tear off into the woods on a snowmobile, hit a rock, and go flying headlong into a tree, do not expect to see a blissful white light or feel an overwhelming sense of peace at all,” said God, who added that the next time someone sustained life-threatening injuries while trying to snowmobile across a partially frozen lake after drinking heavily with their friends, the only thing they would experience would be a long, painful wait for an ambulance.

Friendly Atheist has it on good authority that the Almighty is also less than likely to bestow transcendent near-death revelations upon speed skiers, drag racers, and wingsuit flyers.


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