This is an Easy Way to Modernize the Bible

Mallory Ortberg, who frequently rewrites Bible passages for amusement, decided to replace “fear not” with “Um. Yikes.”

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Abram said, “Lord God, what will You give me, seeing I go childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?”

After these things the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision, saying, “Um. Yikes, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. Wow. Where is this coming from?”

I can’t believe she left out Psalm 64:4:

That they may shoot in secret at the perfect: suddenly do they shoot at him, and um… Yikes.

(via The Toast)

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