Remember that time some weird chiropractor dude invented Mensez “Feminine Lipstick”? And we all laughed and laughed because obviously gluing one’s labia shut in order to keep menstrual blood in was an incredibly awful idea that made no sense whatsoever?
Well — excitingly enough, Daniel Dopps has developed a brand new product for the Mensez line! It is apparently some kind of hover-pantyliner.
According to the description:
Watch for your favorite panty liner to come with Mensez technology pre applied as a colorless powder. The powder will transfer to the labia minora as the panty liner is worn. Moisture activates the powder and creates the Mensez seal, without the panty liner ever sticking to you. Some girls and women will prefer this method of application, along with the added security of a panty liner. The panty liner stays clean and dry, you are leak free until you urinate. Mensez is a personal hygiene product that could change the way you live. Still in development and Not yet available to consumers.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!
So, it seals itself to you, but does not stick to you? How are those different things? Does the powder seal you up the way the guy claims the lipstick does? Is it then also a pantyliner that sticks to your underwear? Does this require one to get a full Brazilian wax prior to menstruating? How are you supposed to walk? Does Daniel Dopps assume we spend our entire menstrual cycle lying prostrate on a bed? Who does he think asked for (or wanted) this? And who, exactly, does he think wants to walk around with a damn pantyliner stuck on her hoo-ha?
Because I do not. I mean, ideally, I don’t want anything stuck to my junk, ever. I am still annoyed that vajazzling was ever a thing, and also that I ever had to have a conversation about whether or not vajazzling was empowering or not.
However, in the interest of SCIENCE, I decided to do an experiment approximating what I imagine having a pantyliner attached to one’s junk would feel like, and then I walked down my own hallway. It involved Scotch tape. And trust me, it was a very unpleasant time that was not at all compatible with my lifestyle. Clearly, Daniel Dopps has no idea how the female body functions when walking. Or menstruating. Or doing anything whatsoever.
In the months since Dopps first debuted his “feminine lipstick,” he’s also added a few other new things to the site. Like a very, very long (and extremely hilarious) list of things that he believes can be improved by gluing and/or sealing your labia shut with his products.
That list includes:
After work event.
Dinner with the girls.
On the Dance floor.
Birthday.
Quiet Night Studying.
White Party.
Date Night.
Running Errands.
Backyard Picnic.
Final Exams.
Your Book Club.
The Big Game.
A Cozy Night in.
The Dog Park.
Voga Class. [sic, I hope]
Movie Marathon.
Tail Gating.
Weekend Staycation.
Boardwalk on your Longboard.
Weekend Brunch.
At the Gym Workout.
A Spring Wedding.
Lake Weekend.
Spin Class.
Office Meeting.
A beach BBQ.
Break Time.
Day Drinking.
Camping and Hiking.
Casual Lunch Date.
Airplane Travel.
Pool Party.
The Interview.
Road Trip.
Casino Luck.
Walk in the Park.
Outdoor Lunch Date.
I really enjoy the fact that this is just a list of stuff that Daniel Dopps assumes women do, possibly sourced through tampon commercials. Though, out of all of them, I am admittedly most curious about the “Casino Luck” one. I now desperately want there to be a commercial for Mensez where a lady is winning all the jackpots at the casino because her labia are glued together or because she’s wearing a hover-pantyliner. Then she’ll turn to the camera, and with a sly wink, say, “My secret? I’ll never tell!”
Tragically, Mensez products are not yet available for purchase, so we’ll all have to suffer through our “voga classes” without our labia glued shut. Bummer!
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