Helpful North Carolina Mom Invents Bigfoot-Attracting Spray

Has your search for the Bigfoot of your dreams been fruitless? Do you drive around the countryside late at night, hoping to run into one by accident? Did you attempt to purchase one the last time you took too much Xanax on a plane, only to find out that it was not, in fact, a real Sasquatch but merely a tacky lawn ornament?

RIP Skymall.
RIP Skymall.

Did you actually have a Bigfoot in your life at one point, but then sent him away for his own good by pretended not to like him anymore, but now you’re hoping for a sequel/reconciliation?

Well, have we got a product for you!

BigfootJuice

Allie Megan Webb of North Carolina, proprietor of Happy Body Care, has invented an environmentally friendly Bigfoot spray, meant to attract all the Bigfoots to you.

Skeptical? Well, how can you deny proof like this?

Field tests have been done, she said, and they include a recent outing by the research group Bigfoot 911, in which a Bigfoot sighting was reported. It happened the first week of August, in the woods of McDowell County. The report made national news.

“I think that’s enough to say it can attract a Bigfoot,” says Webb. “To attract a Bigfoot, you need a smell that is woodsy enough to keep from scaring him off. But slightly different enough to make him curious, and come to investigate.”

Of course, that particular Bigfoot sighting may have been less than legit. Several days after the story got out, a Minnesota tourist named Gawain MacGregorwho runs a blog devoted to worshiping Sasquatch as a divine creature of some sort — claimed responsibility for what the Bigfoot 911 team “discovered.”

Gawain MacGregor said he was re-enacting a centuries-old tradition from “The Epic of Gilgamesh,” a poem from ancient Mesopotamia that is often regarded as the oldest work of great literature, when he was spotted by some passers-by.

“That night not too long after I started wandering I ran into a couple of people little ways away. I was not in a very heavily trafficked area so I was surprised to see them and they were surprised to see me. So I just turned around and left,” he said. “What was I supposed to say to them?”

Here are some pictures of him in his outfit, in case you thought all of this could not possibly get weirder:

ctyp+bigfoot+north+carolina

So, either this spray attracts Bigfoots, or it just attracts dudes from Minnesota enacting Mesopotamian poems in fursuits. Either way is a win, really.

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