PSA: Pastor Kindly Reminds You That the Missionary Position is the Only One Approved by God

God, apparently, is very particular about how man parts and lady parts fit together. There’s only one right way, and lots of wrong ones. Luckily for us, one of His representatives on Earth, Nigerian-born Pastor Olugbenga Oladejo of the end-time Complete in Christ Church in Peterborough (U.K.), is willing to explain it in some detail. On video.

He says that the only permissible sexual position is the missionary position: “Missionaries of old who taught their converts about true holiness would teach them that in the marriage bed, face to face with the husband on top is the only position that God has sanctioned. That is a landmarker or boundary stone that was laid by people before this evil generation was born that you and I who live today are a part of … We have moved that stone, so we could try new things to fulfill our lusts.”

Couples who engage in other sexual acts including oral sex, masturbation, and acts of bondage, as well as other sexual positions, “are not going to make it to heaven,” he says.

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Porn Crusader, Allegedly Inspired by God, Torches Adult Store in Michigan

A dirty deed done over dirty pictures:

Kalamazoo police say the suspect who set the fire that destroyed an adult store did it in an effort to eliminate pornography from his neighborhood.

The fire broke out at Hollywood Nights on S. Westnedge near Whites Road late Wednesday afternoon. By the time it was out, the building had been leveled. A man who was seen by witnesses leaving the scene of the fire carrying an ax was later arrested after leading police on a brief car chase and then crashing.

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Group of Norway Muslims Pledges To Protect Oslo’s Only Synagogue

Today, a loose-knit group of Muslims in Norway is doing something pretty damn cool. Participants will be forming

a protective ring around Oslo’s synagogue following Sabbath services this weekend. The effort is a reaction to the shootings in Copenhagen, according to Hajrad Arshad, 17, one of the seven organizers of the “Fredens Ring” (Friendship Ring).

Actually, I believe freden means peace, but I could be wrong.

“We think that after the terrorist attacks in Copenhagen, it is the perfect time for us Muslims to distance ourselves from the harassment of Jews that is happening,” Arshad told NRK, Norway’s public service broadcaster.

About a thousand people have signed up on the group’s Facebook page, including well-wishers from around the world.

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Jesus Has Been Weeping Bitter Tears Since the Election of an Atheist Prime Minister in Greece

A Jesus-on-the-cross icon in Greece seems to have been perspiring an as-yet-unidentified liquid for the last three weeks, something the country’s faithful are taking as a sign that God is distraught about the leftist government of Alexis Tsipras, the new prime minister, who is an atheist.

A religious icon of Jesus Christ in a small village in Greece has been “weeping” ever since the anti-austerity party Syriza won the Greek elections at the end of January, witnesses say.

According to Corinth TV and the Athens-Macedonian News Agency, the icon, which dates from early last century and is housed in the church of St. Nicholas in the village of Asprokampos, Corinthia, has been secreting an oily liquid since the left-wing party leader, Alexis Tsipras, stormed to power on January 26th.

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Neurologist and Author Oliver Sacks Is Slowly Dying. True To Himself, He Wrote A Beautiful Piece About It

Oliver Sacks, who is to neuroscience and psychiatry what Carl Sagan was to astronomy and astrophysics, is staring into the maw of death. Cancer has already taken over a third of his liver, and it is certain the disease spells the end for the famed neurologist, now 81, who took us on many a wondrous trip through the marvels and terrors of the human mind.

A prolific, consummate chronicler of other people’s states of minds, he’s now written about his own in what are literally his dying days.

Since hearing his prognosis, Sacks says,

I have been able to see my life as from a great altitude, as a sort of landscape, and with a deepening sense of the connection of all its parts. This does not mean I am finished with life.

On the contrary, I feel intensely alive, and I want and hope in the time that remains to deepen my friendships, to say farewell to those I love, to write more, to travel if I have the strength, to achieve new levels of understanding and insight.

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