Dear Richard,

I am an atheist secular humanist. I am also a physician in my last year of residency in a “Bible Belt” area and, while I have gotten a fantastic medical education, I have not found any good role models to help me address the myriad of difficulties surrounding being an atheist doctor. I suspect that some of my attending physicians also are atheist or agnostic, but it’s not something that many people discuss openly around here.

I often find myself in difficult situations at work when it comes to religion. I always try to respect the beliefs of my patients, but I struggle to find an appropriate response when they ask me to pray for them or ask me point blank, “Doc, do you believe in God?” Often I find myself blundering for a way to change the subject and dodge the question or let them think I share their beliefs without actually lying and saying that I do, but this feels dishonest. I also would like to “come out” and become more involved in the atheist community but I’m worried about how that might affect my career. My impression is that many patients would not want to be cared for by an atheist doctor.

I suspect that doctors, as scientists, tend to be more atheistic and agnostic than the general population, but it seems to be a taboo subject. Do you have any suggestions for resources or support groups for atheist doctors? It would help to have a professional community to which I could turn to for advice.

-Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

It’s a taboo subject probably for the same reason that you have succinctly described here: Depending on the setting and the circumstances, coming out as an atheist doctor can be hazardous to your career. Nurses who are atheists face this risk as well, not just from patients but also from their colleagues. Not everyone can enjoy the impunity and immunity of Dr. Gregory House.

Often your patients feel vulnerable and scared. They know you’re smart and well trained, but they also know you’re only human, so they hope you will be given a little extra help because you have a good buddy named God. Because you’re a person who wants to help people in their anguish as well as their illness, their neediness might cause you to feel inadequate to meet all their needs. Keep in mind that you can’t meet all their needs. Their car, their computer, their tax return, and their spiritual issues are the purview of other specialists.

I understand that it is distasteful to have to lie, or to be evasive, or to allow them to assume incorrect things about your beliefs, but these matters are not relevant to your practice of good medicine for them. You don’t have to tell them the truth about irrelevant things if it is going to hurt you. Give yourself permission to respond in whatever ways help you to keep helping them as a doctor.

You have to get along with them, so you probably can’t just say, “That’s none of your business.” You might try a technique that I’ve used as a counselor. I would turn any question that my clients had about me into a question about them. When your patient asks you to pray for them, say, “Are you feeling anxious or scared about any of this? Can I better explain to you what we’re going to do? Would you like me to ask the hospital chaplain to visit you?” This kind of response gives your patients three things: Firstly, it acknowledges and shows caring about their underlying feelings. Secondly, it offers them what you can do for them, such as explaining the medical issues clearly. Thirdly, it offers them a better qualified resource for their religious concerns.

If you’re cornered by a direct question about your belief in God, and if you neither want to lie or evade, you might try asking them why that is important to them. Listen carefully, and if it seems appropriate say something like this: “I focus all of my mind on giving you the best medical care I can. That’s all I do. I concentrate on nothing else.” That might or might not satisfy them, but it’s honest, and it’s the most polite way can think of to close down the topic.

You need to find some comrades and confidants in the medical field, either doctors or nurses. They will probably have much better suggestions than mine. Ideally, you could use a trusted atheist friend who is at roughly your level in the hospital hierarchy, and another one who is senior to you. Together, they can advise you about ways to deal with patients, and also about who in the hospital administration you need to be careful around.

The tricky part is how to discreetly find them. You may have to risk a little by feeling out someone who seems the least religious and the most discreet. I wish I had a better suggestion.

You’re correct that a higher percentage of scientists are atheists than the general population. The percentage may differ between disciplines. A study by the University of Chicago indicates that about 24% of medical physicians are atheists. That may be less than scientists in general, but it’s still more than the general population, and you only need one or two.

I found no current online support group specifically for atheist physicians. I found one blog called The Atheist Physician, but I don’t know if he will have anything to offer you. Read his first entry of Oct. 29, 2011, and contact him if it seems worth a try.

This column doesn’t just rely on my knowledge. There’s a large readership of very knowledgeable people, and they have helped letter writers many times. Perhaps there are some people reading this who know of resources for you.

Any medical professionals or anyone else out there who can offer some suggestions?

Kimberly, I know that residency is exhausting, and you are at the mercy of the whims of senior doctors and administrators. Once you gain more autonomy, hopefully you won’t have to be so circumspect about your views. Of course in the U.S., the particular region in which you live can make a big difference.

I wish I could think of more immediately helpful suggestions. Sometimes just like doctors, I can only offer meager assistance and hope for the best.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

I have a complicated issue and I was hoping that you could offer some insight so I can make an informed decision. I am an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I don’t want to be atheist. I turned towards atheism several months ago, but before that I had some personal spiritual beliefs I’ve been believing for some time now. Ever since I began exploring atheism, I’ve become really depressed about letting go of my old beliefs. I didn’t follow any religion… I just had some beliefs of mine that were more of comfort beliefs than anything else, but they did make me feel better at times. After giving it some thought, I asked myself if I really needed to be atheist because I don’t really have any good reasons to become one. I am not fanatical about my personal spiritual beliefs, and I rarely share my feelings about them. If I became an atheist, it’d be just about the same. My main concern however is that I just feel awful since moving towards atheism. Is it okay for me to have my own, personal spiritual beliefs if they’re helping me in the end? Thanks.

—Benjamin

Dear Benjamin,

It’s okay for you to have whatever beliefs you have. There is neither a “need” for you to be an atheist, nor a “need” for you to be a theist or anything else. Follow whatever works for you and whatever is true for you. If your beliefs give you comfort and if they make sense for you, then keep them.

However, I think the conflict you’re having is that your beliefs give you comfort, but they no longer make sense for you.

Forgive me for analyzing you through your letter. I cannot know for certain without a careful back-and-forth interview with you, so I can only offer my initial impressions, which could be inaccurate.

As a former therapist, I must stop here to respond to your mention of “becoming really depressed.” Clinical depression, rather than sadness or grief can be very dangerous. If you think you are depressed, if you have feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of death, please talk to a doctor immediately. Your safety is paramount, beyond any other issue here. You deserve to be able to sort out your new views, your old beliefs, and to live a happy and satisfying life.

You haven’t detailed what your comforting spiritual beliefs are, but the ones I have most often heard described are those about an afterlife, those about something that gives a sense of order to what can seem like a chaotic universe, and those about something that will give guidance or protection in a daunting situation.

Whatever they may be, you sound like you don’t actually believe your beliefs; you’re just keeping them around as comforting thoughts. You talk about them as if they’re outside of you, and you’re looking at them in a detached way. You do not sound like you have a strong inner conviction that they’re correct and true. Comfort and reassurance are important and legitimate human needs, but the comfort and reassurance of a belief vanish when one realizes that it is not true. It becomes only a wished-for memory. Then those needs have to be fulfilled in new ways.

You say you’re an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I think your ambivalence is not between disbelieving and believing. I think it’s between disbelieving and wishing you still believed.

I think the fence that you’re sitting on is a difficult place of transition that many atheists reading your letter will recognize from their own experience. Very often there is a lag time between a person’s intellectual realization that they no longer believe in something, and their emotional acceptance that it is gone. People often experience this stage of conflict between their head and their heart as feelings of grief, regret, and loss. What you are describing sounds like this. The mourning period can last for weeks, months, or less often for years, but most people pass through it and emerge resolved and more comfortable on the far side.

I think the best way to progress through this process is to talk about it frequently with trusted friends who have been through it themselves. There’s nothing specific that I can point to in your letter, but I get a vague inkling that you are wrestling with this struggle all by yourself. If that is correct, I urge you to reach out and find people with similar views. You’ll immediately discover the relief that comes from knowing that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels whatever you do, and you’ll probably find very practical suggestions as well as encouragement and companionship. You’ll find that this is a good new source for the comfort and reassurance that the old beliefs used to give you.

There’s a chance that my analysis is not correct. If you are not going through the grief period, if whatever are your personal spiritual beliefs help you as you say they do, if they give you comfort and they make sense for you, then as I said at the beginning, keep them.

Do you “need” to be an atheist? No. You need only to be true to yourself. True to your mind, and true to your heart. Completely, thoroughly, courageously true.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I have been a fence sitter for a long time. It’s only been this last year that I came to terms with my disbelief. Saying I’m an atheist hasn’t been easy. Most people still don’t know. The subject doesn’t come up. Which I guess I’m fortunate in that respect. I am not outspoken or any sort of activist. But here’s the problem: my boyfriend of 3 years says he’s agnostic. He doesn’t like the idea of “hardcore atheists” (whatever that means). He pokes fun at me when religion comes up. Like when we watch a movie where people are praying or talking about god or when we are with his family and they pray before a meal he’ll stare at me to see if I have a reaction.

I’ve recently been trying to get into touch with any atheist organizations in my area. One is about an hour away. He jokingly said we should go and hold signs up saying we believe in god. (I can’t make it to the meet-up this time) I am at a loss on how to make him understand. I don’t know if he just doesn’t take my views seriously, or he’s hoping he doesn’t have to. Thanks for “listening”.

Megan

Dear Megan,

I think that your either/or assessment of your boyfriend is correct in both ways: He doesn’t take your views seriously, and he is hoping he doesn’t have to.

Something you should also assess is the strength of your self-esteem. You need to be able to say with conviction to yourself and others, “I deserve to be taken seriously, and I deserve a boyfriend who takes me seriously. I will not be discounted, dismissed or disrespected just to have a boyfriend or any other relationship.” If you’re already at that place, good. If not yet, then you should work to improve your sense of self-worth first.

Your decision about your disbelief is very new, and it came after considerable difficulty, so it is understandable that you don’t feel confident about it yet. There is often an emotional disquiet that lingers for a while after one reaches an intellectual conclusion of atheism. You need time and a safe person with whom you can share your views, understand them better, and become more comfortable discussing them. Your boyfriend might not be the best person for this task. Definitely go to the meet-up you found, and any other opportunity to meet atheists, but consider going there without him for the time being.

Once your confidence in your self-worth and your confidence about your views are stronger, you and he need to sit down and have a few serious talks.

It appears that he is not at all comfortable with what he thinks is your position. I say “what he thinks” because he might have misconceptions and inaccurate assumptions. Teasing, joking, and poking fun may be his indirect way of relieving his own tension about this topic, and his way to avoid confronting it directly. He is a little passive-aggressive about it. Passive-aggressive methods are usually very annoying to people. You will need to assertively demand that he stop such behaviors, and be direct, frank and respectful with you. Do your best to make it safe for him to be straight forward, and at the same time make it clear that you expect the same courtesy of safety from him.

Working together, the two of you should clarify exactly what he means by “hardcore atheist,” so both of you know if you actually fit whatever that means to him. During religious scenes in a movie or while others are saying grace at the table, his pointedly staring at you is rhetorical. He’s expressing something. Clarify exactly what he is saying by his stares, and tell him how you feel when he does that.

Clarify also what he means when he says he’s agnostic. He might mean the narrow definition that the existence of gods as described by believers is not knowable. He might mean the more common “Switzerland” stance of “Maybe yes, maybe no, I’m staying neutral.” He might reveal something entirely different, such as, “Actually, I do believe, but I said I’m agnostic because I didn’t want to fight with you about it.” Who knows what might be behind this discomfort he seems to have?

The point is, you need to know. He was your boyfriend for two years before you became more decided about your atheism, so he might have conflicting feelings about this change. Because differences in religious views can be extremely divisive, all these things should be out in the open, or misconceptions, assumptions, and resentments will drive a wedge between you.

Megan, I think that if you take this challenge as an opportunity for the two of you to grow and mature, as well as to practice better communication skills, your relationship will be healthier, more satisfying, and more beneficial for both of you.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

My high school has recently been shocked by the suicide of one of my fellow students. Though I did not know him extremely well, I knew that he was an atheist like myself. This has not only made me wish I had known him better, but since his death I have taken a keen interest over his Facebook page, which has exploded with prayers and blessings in the past week despite his religious stance being clear to anyone viewing the page. My worst fear was that people would see this and blame his depression on being an atheist.

However, something else has been troubling me. A week after his death, the boy’s parents, who have been moderating the page, have changed his public religious view to Christian (and his political view to conservative to boot). I understand that his parents must be in outstanding grief, and as Christians they must hope that their son is in a better place. But I feel that arbitrarily changing their son’s views does dishonor to his memory and breeches his privacy, especially after already having posted the boy’s suicide letter publicly. It’s hard to justify why I am so offended by this — as an atheist I obviously don’t believe this boy is shaking his fist angrily from the heavens or rolling in his grave. But I know that if I was in his place and could somehow look down on the proceedings, I would be extremely hurt that my family edited my strongly held positions for the public to view.

I know that it would probably be inappropriate to make any kind of comment on his Facebook page concerning the matter in such sensitive circumstances. But is my opinion on this matter completely unfounded? How would you feel in this situation and is there any way I can show my support for my late classmate as a fellow atheist without coming off as particularly offensive to my primarily Christian school and the boy’s Christian family?

Thank you,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I think your opinion is well founded, and if I were in your place, I would share your feelings of indignation and a sense of wrongness about it, but what you should do about your opinion and feelings is a separate matter.

When deciding your response to situations like these, one important guideline is to consider how much harm will be done to how many people, and how much good will be done to how many people by whatever actions you take. Then you must assess who are the most vulnerable for harm, and who are the most likely to be helped.

The parents and family are in extreme pain, much more than what one expects from uncomplicated grief. The grief that parents experience from the death of their child by disease or unavoidable accident is horrendous enough. If their child was murdered, then anger at the killer is added to their grief. In the case of suicide, the killer and the victim are one in the same. The family often has anger conflicting with their love and grief, and so their feelings are mixed and inflamed, and sometimes spiral into an extremely agonizing and confusing mess.

With suicides, the family and loved ones often fall into self-recrimination, thinking that they could have and should have seen warning signs, or somehow they should have been better parents, better siblings, or better friends for the deceased. They can unfairly and unreasonably conclude that the death is somehow partly or even entirely their fault. So guilt is often added to that already awful soup of unbearable emotions.

At the effect of so much heartache, people will make controversial decisions that some will accept and others will find objectionable.

We cannot know for certain, but perhaps it is unfair to assume that the family’s motives for changing his profile to Christian were selfish or were only about saving face. It could be that comments have been left on the site that reacted to his public disbelief, and were negative, disapproving, condemning or condescending, (as living atheists so often have to endure) and the family has been removing them. In light of their pain described above, it would be understandable if they wanted to spare themselves and other family members such insensitive and even cruel treatment.

Does this fail to honor his memory as the real person he was? In the strictest sense yes, but I think his family’s experience of him involved far more than his atheism. They will remember him in all the ways they need to remember him. Almost all of us do that with those we have lost.

As you indicated in your letter, you and I share the reflex to show compassion for those who are in pain, and let them have their small comforts and self-protections, especially when announcing the uncomfortable truth would only serve to vent our own indignation.

But leaving the family alone still leaves you with your unsatisfied and unresolved feelings, which is really what I think you wanted to sort out.

You spoke of how hurt you would feel if your own family were to erase your atheism or other strongly held views from whatever memorialized you. You would want to be represented and remembered accurately, with as much honesty and realism as you tried to practice in your life.

Your letter doesn’t indicate whether you have shared your atheism with your family, or whether doing so would open up serious problems. For people of high school age, coming out to their family can often be a very difficult and even risky proposition, so think that over very carefully. If you haven’t yet, then whenever the time is right, getting clear with them on the matter of your beliefs will better ensure that they will understand how you want to be represented both in life and in the unlikely event of your death.

Another thing you might do would first require you to decide whether or not you are comfortable revealing your own atheism in a high school that you describe as “primarily Christian.” If you are comfortable with that, you might consider talking about the boy with your friends and with his friends at school. Discreetly discussing what you knew about his atheism would be a way to assure that those who mattered to him will remember this aspect of him accurately.

Nicole, I hope that you and everyone you have mentioned in this sad story are able to heal from their various degrees of hurt and grief, and that none of you are ever touched again by such a tragedy. Live your life fully in these ways: gratefully, respectfully, meaningfully, thoughtfully, and truthfully, and encourage everyone you know to do the same.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

I’m the only out atheist in my family. We have the occasional argument or discussion but for the most part we all agree to try and be respectful. Tonight that all seems to have fallen apart, and I’m a little torn on how to proceed.

I just finished reading Dawkins’ newest book, The Magic of Reality and I decided that I wanted to share it with my younger brother since he is who the book is aimed at. He’s in high school and home-schooled with a fundamental Christian curriculum, so his “science” books teach a literal view of Genesis, and they generally teach anything but actual science. I know that my little brother is interested in possibly going to medical school one day and that he has a general interest in the scientific field, even if he isn’t exactly vocal about it. When he asks me questions I have the bad habit of explaining things in terms he can’t completely understand. So I was pretty ecstatic to share with him the knowledge in Dawkins’ book.

However, my mother found the book and took it away from him before he could even get started. She returned it to me without a word but instead with a note telling me “Not now. Maybe when he’s 18 but certainly not now.” I honestly can’t describe how I felt reading and rereading that note: angry, surprised, disappointed, in denial…

She knows that I left religion behind because science explained the world in much more complex but beautiful ways. I think that she is afraid that if my brother starts to read and understand things in the same way I did, that he’ll eventually leave religion behind too. She believes that he’s been called to ministry since he was a child but I know my little brother and he has no interest in being a missionary or pastor.

Unfortunately, I let my emotions take control and my mother and I had a fight about her taking the book away, but we eventually reached a compromise I’m not happy about: She’ll read the book and then decide if he can handle it. I get the sinking feeling that she’ll decide he can’t no matter what and that breaks my heart for a multitude of reasons.

As an undergraduate science major, I want nothing more than to show my brother that the world is a grand and wonderful place, that the knowledge of how it all works is out there even though it might be hard to comprehend at times. I want to encourage him, not to abandon his beliefs, but to look at the world with a skeptical eye and to learn as much as he can. I want to do all I can to keep encouraging him because I can see the beginnings of that mindset taking root.

I have my own apartment while I’m away at college so I can’t always be around to talk to him. I love my family but how do I even begin to try and help my brother to think rationally when he lives with parents who seem to believe they can dictate what he reads, learns, and believes? And how do I help my parents understand that the words in a book shouldn’t be a frightening thing, that they shouldn’t take away the opportunity for him to learn and make decisions for himself?

Thanks,
Victor

Dear Victor,

When people are shown the apple of knowledge and then it is forbidden to them, they become much more interested in eating it.

Now that your brother has seen the book and it has been forbidden to him, he’s much more likely to be curious about it. In his mind, the issue is no longer whether or not it’s a useful or appropriate book. Now it is part of a conflict between his freedom and his mother’s control of his freedom. Teenagers are naturally in this conflict with their parents all the time. It’s called individuation, part of their healthy development. Now science and critical thinking will be one of the areas where that struggle is acted out.

Dawkins’ book is a very good tool, but your relationship with your brother will be much more important to help him become a free thinking person. It will be at times a delicate balance between expressing what you would prefer him to do and honoring his freedom:

Show him your letter. Show him that you favor his having freedom to think for himself, that you value his intelligence, and you have confidence in his ability to handle new ideas. At the same time, make it clear to him that you love him for himself, rather than for what opinions he holds. You want him to become his own full self whatever that may be, rather than becoming only what will please you, or his parents, or anyone else.

When he asks you a question, Don’t “sell” your scientific viewpoint over the religious viewpoint. Just try to answer his question from your understanding. If you think you’ll get over his head, tell him you’ll brush up on it and get back to him soon with a more understandable answer. That will send him the message that his question deserves a worthy response. That message is as important as the answer itself, because it encourages his curiosity. By the way, taking the time to compose a simpler answer will greatly enhance your own understanding of whatever the subject is. As Einstein said, ”You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.”

Develop an online relationship with him via email. Facebook is not private. While you’re away at college, communicate with him on a regular basis. Tell him of your own challenges and conflicts, your own ups and downs. This will give him permission and a sense of safety to be candid with you in return. Older brothers and sisters occupy a unique position; they’re neither parent nor friend, but someone who can have the best qualities of both.

I wouldn’t call the outcome from the fight you had with your mother a “compromise,” because there wasn’t a mutual give-and-take. Hopefully it was not just a way for her to postpone a flat refusal. Give her a reasonable amount of time, and then without a tone of nagging, ask her if she has looked at the book, and ask what she thinks about it. Perhaps you can start a dialogue between the two of you about it, even if she is still afraid to let your brother read it. Sometimes small steps can reach goals when bold leaps are too scary.

When talking to your mother, you must keep your emotions under control. The virtues of rationalism are not well demonstrated if you lose your temper, and the other person will probably not be swayed by even the most cool-headed rational persuasion if they’ve already lost their temper. Giving you that note about the book suggests that she is uncomfortable with speaking to you directly about such matters because the feelings are too tense. You can begin to relax those feelings between you if you understand her emotional motive.

I think your assessment is correct, she’s afraid. Keeping that in mind can help you to respond with compassion and patience rather than with anger. She sees her sons growing up in a world that is no longer interested in her cherished beliefs. One son has already rejected them, and the other might be showing similar signs. Her fantasy about him going into ministry is comforting to her, but it will probably be self-defeating in the end because she’s paying attention to her desires rather than to his.

You both have fear for your brother’s fate. She handles her fear by trying to overprotect and control him. Make sure you don’t try to overprotect and control him in your own way. As an adolescent, it is part of his nature to resist others’ attempts to mold him to their wishes, both hers and yours. In the end, the one who will be the most influential to him will probably be the one who gave him the most encouragement to find his own way.

He’s a very lucky young man to have a big brother such as you. I hope that everyone in your family can find ways to live in harmony and to keep expressing their love for each other despite differences in their beliefs. This is a time in history when enormous numbers of families are going through the changes and conflicts that you are experiencing. You’re certainly not alone.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

Thank you for being there (in “The Friendly Atheist”) when I finally realized I was grieving the loss of my faith. After a lifetime of service to the Presbyterian Church, including three years in seminary and seven years in pastoral ministry, it left me completely three years ago, at the conclusion of a difficult interim position. I’m 64 years old. My husband, also clergy, never took anything in scripture literally and often ridiculed my beliefs. Now I find myself even farther out than he is. I also did a Master’s in existential philosophy (before seminary) and see no point in mental gymnastics. I watched my dad, a great and learned man, lose his mind during the years before his actual death. Nothing lasts, why strive? You advocate something called “secular humanism.” I always saw that as the enemy of Christianity so I know nothing. What’s it about and what’s good in it? Ayn Rand is about the extent of my knowledge and I found her horribly egotistical. I’m sad except when I’m with my granddaughter and the three or four women I volunteer with. I’m not suicidal, although I don’t see any grand purpose in life or living.

Sincerely,
Barbara

P.S. I just occurred to me that for the first time I’m grateful for (instead of angry about) the secularization of Christmas so I can still enjoy the gifting and decorating.

Dear Barbara,

I think you’re still in the midst of your grieving. The greater the importance that a cherished person, thing or commitment has for us, the greater the grief we suffer when it passes away from us. Grief can last quite a while, and it fades away gradually. Your commitment was enormous, and so I’m not surprised if after three years you are still mourning.

What you are describing also sounds a little like depression, which sometimes accompanies grief, but which can settle in and become chronic, remaining even after the grief is over. I’m glad that you reassure us that you’re not suicidal, but it also might be good for you to run through the main items on the depression checklist. While grief for any kind of loss can have many of the traits here, they generally taper off over time. For depression, look for a pattern of persistence or even increase over time:

• Feeling daily sad, empty, purposeless, worthless, helpless, hopeless, or inappropriately guilty.
• Irritability, impatience, anxiety.
• Loss of interest in friends, family, hobbies, pleasurable things.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions.
• Changes in appetite, significant weight loss not from dieting, or weight gain.
• Loss of energy, fatigue, moving very slowly.
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
• Unexplained physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach aches, body pains.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die.

If you have any of these to a significant level, or if you have some of these to a moderate level, I think you should consult a doctor or counselor or both. If you decide that therapy would be helpful, be certain that it is not pastoral counseling in any form. Regular, secular, psychology-based counseling would be the best choice for you.

Aside from that issue, It sounds like your loss of faith also resulted in a loss of things for you to do. The timing of this in your sixties, when not only are you adjusting to changes in your body, you’re also adjusting to changes in roles that you and society might expect of you. This could be adding to your sense of being adrift and directionless.

Seeking a direction, you asked about humanism. Descriptions and definitions differ, but I think that you can get a good understanding from the material on the American Humanist Association website. Read all of the essays on that page, not just the Humanist Manifesto III. For someone with a Master’s in existential philosophy, these should be easy reading. Ayn Rand is probably not the best representative of what humanism can be. Here I ask our very learned Friendly Atheist readers out there for their recommendations for further reading on humanism.

My friends, your suggestions, please?

You need some peers, some people who understand what you are going through because they have been there too. The internet is a wonderful tool for this, and a few online atheist friends who can recognize exactly what you share are very important. Again, I ask our readers if they know of good sources for former clergy to find each other. Finally, former clergy or not, having at least one trusted atheist friend with whom you can meet face to face is invaluable. Keep looking, don’t give up.

I don’t pretend to understand much about existentialism, but I do remember that Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.”

You can choose your own purpose, invent whatever meaning you wish for your life, cast yourself in whatever role you please. You don’t have to passively receive it from above, from outside of you. It’s deeply and wonderfully all yours. Judging from your letter, I think your role will have much to do with helping other people.

You asked, “Nothing lasts, so why strive?” I reply, “Yes, nothing lasts, so strive!” Make the most of this limited time. Don’t live inconsequentially, have an effect! Leave the world a little better because you were here. It might not be a grand and famous difference you’ll make in the world as a whole, but it can be grand and famous in the lives of those people who are lucky enough to know you.

You’re already on the right track by spending time being happy with your granddaughter and the three or four women with whom you volunteer. Ah, volunteering. You’re already practicing an important expression of humanism. You’ll find from your reading and your own experience that other human beings are both the essence and the embodiment of humanism, the essence and embodiment of your own humanity. Expand your love, your caring, your willingness, your interaction, your positive effect on others, and you expand your own life.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

I live in the heart of the Bible belt and have recently come out about my lack of beliefs. It has been quite the shock for my Christian family, friends and co-workers. Thankfully my co-workers have been the least judgmental of all. My question is how to handle the religious talk that still permeates my office. My boss and co-workers have daily office devotionals which thankfully I am no longer pressured to attend.

However, they still wish to discuss Christian Theology with me as if I were still “a part of the fold.” It’s an awkward situation for me. I obviously have differing opinions and views. I don’t want to hurt their feelings yet I feel compelled to stand up for my own beliefs or should I say lack thereof. How does one discuss the “merits” of the Bible when they no longer believe? Help!

Sincerely,
Robin

Dear Robin,

I think you should make three assessments.

The first is to carefully and realistically assess the security of your employment in this company. Unless you are essential and irreplaceable, you might eventually be at risk for being socially or professionally pressured to leave.

I have received many dozens of letters from people in the Bible belt who have faced systematic ostracization at work because it became known that they are the religious outsider. Granted, that is not a scientific survey of the work environment in that region, but it certainly is an extensive collection of cautionary tales.

In your case, when the novelty of repartee with the resident atheist wears off, when you have with utmost politeness poked holes in all of their fallacious arguments, when they have retreated to their last refuge of “Well, you just have to have faith,” and they know exactly why that sounds lame to you, when it has become clear that you will never be seduced back into the flock, then they might start to get petulant, peevish, and pugnacious.

So far, your boss and co-workers seem to be handling your atheism maturely and fairly. For a company that has as much formalized religiosity as you have described, I find that quite remarkable.

I hope it lasts, but be prepared if it doesn’t.

The second thing to assess is what is their purpose for continuing to include you in these theological discussions when you no longer participate in the “daily devotionals.” You can do this by quietly observing, or by subtly probing, or by frankly asking. It all depends on what approaches you have found work in that environment.

Is their purpose to stimulate more incisive and interesting dialogue because of your contrary viewpoint? Is it an attempt to bring you back into the fold? Is it to taunt or goad you? Is it simply because you are there in the room when they talk? Or what?

The third thing to assess is what is your purpose for doing this. Do you simply enjoy practicing the art of argumentation? Is your goal to promote clear mutual understanding of your views and their views? Are you representing atheists and atheism as a movement beyond yourself as an individual? Perhaps you’re hoping to persuade them to adopt your views? Could it involve defending your position in the social structure of the office? Do you want to make it clear that although you are the outsider in this issue, you have value to offer socially in other ways? Are you letting them know you won’t be cowed or bullied? Or what?

To be clear, I am not implying that there are any “shoulds” in these questions, as if you should have this motive and should not have that motive. You have the right to follow whatever reasons are yours. You “owe” it to no one else to have any of these purposes. The point is to be very clear to yourself what you want from this situation.

From those three assessments I think you’ll have a better idea of what path to take, and how lightly or boldly to tread on that path. Keep reviewing your three appraisals, because they can change over time.

If you actively get into these discussions, be watchful for signs of common snags. They can include:

• Equating one’s beliefs with one’s self. When a person’s belief is well challenged or refuted, they will sometimes feel personally threatened. Try to explain the difference between the two. You can completely disagree with their belief, but still hold them in high regard as persons. If someone overtly refuses to differentiate the two, essentially saying, “I am my beliefs, so attacking my beliefs is attacking me,” then there’s not much point in continuing the dialogue, and it’s probably best to avoid more with that person.

• Characterizing the other person’s viewpoint in an overly simplified manner even after the facets and nuances have been explained. “Oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in anything,” is a caricature of atheists I’ve often heard. It’s an attempt at dismissive superiority. Patiently re-clarify the complexities of your views. Don’t get suckered into losing your temper. That will be used to dismiss you further.

• Going for “winning” rather than understanding; going for conquest rather than conversation. These are not wrestling matches where one opponent must acknowledge complete defeat right there in front of everyone. You could watch or partake in hundreds of discussions about religion, and you’d probably never witness that. You might be able to plant seeds of doubt and seeds of careful thinking, but if they sprout, it will most likely be much later, in private, when people are not in their “combat mode.”

• Talking too long. Try to keep these conversations brief. It’s a workplace, after all. Fatigue and frustration from a long dispute can begin to strain the genial feelings, and the primary purpose for everyone being in that building is to get the work done, whatever it is. To do that successfully, you all have to get along. Try to get that awareness overtly agreed upon.

If you see such snags being done by others, first be certain you’re not also doing them yourself. Then you can step out of the content, the subject of the conversation, and make a brief comment in a patient, respectful tone about the underlying dynamic that you think you’re seeing. Then return to talking about the subject, trying to steer it out of that snag.

Strategically, they have an advantage and you have an advantage. Their advantage is that they outnumber you. One of them can be thinking up a challenge while you’re fielding another’s. As good as you might be at argumentation, you have limits to your endurance. It’s perfectly okay to make a frank comment about that, and call a recess. Nobody expects you to be a 10th dan Aikido master who can take on fifteen opponents at once.

Your advantage is that they are most likely going to be the ones making the assertions and claims about the Bible and their beliefs. So the burden for supporting their claims is on them. They have to do the work. You are simply unconvinced because you need evidence, and you politely ask for it. Sit comfortably and enjoy watching them work, but don’t smirk. Adopt a stance of good-natured and sincere curiosity in their ideas. Stay relaxed, cheerful, jovial, and congenial.

The risk for you will come if you are good at this. Any hint of smugness or conceit on your part will turn the whole thing sour. That would not be good. If this were a chat between strangers in a coffee house, one could simply get up and leave. You don’t have that option here.

You have an unusual opportunity to at least dispel myths and misconceptions about atheists, and possibly introduce elements of critical thinking to a few people. Keep your wits about you, and make your moves carefully. I hope it goes well for you.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

Sincerely,
Christmas Elf, Not Nativity Shepherd

Dear Elf,

The principle you’re trying to follow is to avoid causing harm or hurt, and you’re trying to assess which path is the least likely to do harm or hurt, and if there must be some, which path will do the least harm or hurt.

Life constantly puts us in situations where we have to balance our principles with pragmatics, and there is no set place where they always balance. We cannot rely upon a prescribed answer. We must use our judgment case by case by case. There is never any perfect solution; we make our best guess, and take our chances. Even with our good intentions, we must accept responsibility for the outcome.

I think you have presented a strong case for helping your parents, because they enjoy running the pageant, but it’s a stress on them, and you can reduce their stress and possible risk to their health. You will also be showing them a similar acceptance and respect that they have shown you in your disbelief.

You are being very conscientious to consider the principle side of the question by wanting to avoid indirectly contributing to the indoctrination of young people by helping with the pageant. However, it sounds like the actual effect that you would have on them would be extremely minimal if any at all, and as you point out, they have already been repeatedly exposed to it.

So I suggest that in this case helping your parents is the option that is least likely to cause harm and hurt, and the most likely to help two specific people. It also has a very small likelihood of indirectly and tangentially causing an arguably negligible amount of harm to unspecified people.

You have a limited number of Christmases to spend with your parents. You’ll have the rest of each year and the rest of your life to follow your own convictions more meticulously. You’ll also have opportunities to help young people who are beginning to question the indoctrination that you mentioned. There are more and more of them each year. Having mindfully dealt with several dilemmas like this one will give you compassion and patience for them. When they’re in that very uncomfortable place of doubt, someone showing them compassion and patience is what they will need the most.

Enjoy the time you have with your mom and dad, and fill it with as much love as you can. I agree that you are a lucky one to have parents who have responded to your atheism with such equanimity. They also are lucky to have you, with both a mind that wants to be precise in principles, and a heart that wants to be generous in love.

I hope that you and your parents enjoy a very happy time together in this season of natural cold and dark, and human warmth and light.

Richard

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Hi Richard,

Sincere thanks,
Passionate Professor

Dear Passionate Professor,

Always keep your passion. That’s so precious in a teacher. But you can focus your passion on the thinking skills you’re teaching rather than the thoughts your students are thinking. They will have their whole lives to rethink their thoughts if you have given them the skills. Guide your passion with patience and a willingness to not see the long term results of your work. Humdrum teachers help students learn what the teachers want them to learn. Excellent teachers help students learn how to learn and especially how to unlearn by questioning their old ideas.

They’re young. Most of them will keep their childhood-trained opinions for a few more years, but if you have successfully planted the seeds of critical thinking, those opinions will dissolve if they cannot hold up to inner scrutiny. That might very well happen after they have moved on, so you might never know about it. You have to be satisfied with being good at planting seeds and not necessarily seeing the trees that grow.

I’m very familiar with the Central Valley, having earned my BA at CSU Stanislaus. Sometimes the level of reactionary religiosity in the area could rival the deep South. That was a couple of sedimentary layers ago, but it hasn’t changed very much.

In a junior college, the faculty tends to be less insulated from the local populace and their culture than in a university, and that can be a good thing, but they’re also less protected from harassment and pressure from any locals who might be offended by what they teach. So when you consider self-disclosure about your unbelief and what labels you will use, always practice prudence first. Assess the security of your professional and social positions, so that you don’t become just another awful story about discrimination against an atheist. If you’re fired, you won’t be teaching critical thinking to anyone.

If you want to avoid getting on a soap box, be Socrates. When a passionate speech wants to bubble up, take a couple of deep, slow breaths to calm yourself. Then instead of a speech, ask questions that force the students to reexamine their presumptions. Don’t ask rhetorical questions; they’ll see right through those, but incisive, sharp-edged ones that sit there in their minds making them just a little uncomfortable. Keep a poker face, in both your expression and your tone. If you can maintain a neutral demeanor, then their struggle will be between two opposing ideas in their heads rather than a struggle between them and you.

Challenges from religious students are usually invitations to step into a trap where you work hard and they sit back and gloat. Don’t fall for that. When one asks you for your viewpoint, say something like, “This college is for you to examine, question, challenge, change, and mature your own views. Mine are not important.” Always turn it back on the challenger to justify their claim, rather than you working hard to refute their claim. When they present what they think is a polished and irrefutable argument, play the part of being innocently puzzled about those one or two little presumptions that they glossed over. Gently let them know that if they finish with a shrug of their shoulders, they have cheated themselves, not you.

As a psychology professor, you’re probably familiar with basic counseling techniques, and some could be useful in an analogous way in your teaching. As a counselor, I always made sure that my clients did most of the work to find the solutions to their problems. They’d initially come to me hoping that I’d just hand them a solution, but that would not serve them well in the long term. Instead, I kept turning it back to them, encouraging them that they do have problem-solving abilities, they just need to practice. So they’d struggle, and guess, and take a risk, and stumble, and then start to get some small gains. All the while, I would gently challenge their negative assumptions, and cheer them for their new positive considerations, and eventually congratulate them for the success that was entirely theirs, not mine. That’s the kind of setting aside of your ego that I think will help you to be more effective as an agent of learning the skills of learning, and the courage of unlearning.

I have one suggestion for illustrating the injustice of bigotry against atheists. Find a true account of an incident of egregious bigotry and mistreatment of an atheist at the hands of religious people. Rewrite the whole thing to omit all references to his atheism, and say “They did this to him because of his religion,” or phrases like that. Leave the basic facts of the case the same, but when you read this account to them, let the students assume that the victim was a Christian or a Jew. After several students talk about the unfairness and injustice of the bigots’ behaviors, reveal that the victim was actually an atheist.

Tell them that you had rewritten the story to help them see how the principles that they were championing about fairness, justice, and freedom must apply to everyone or they mean nothing to anyone. We are all free or none of us are free. Some students will “get it” immediately, others will try to rationalize that atheists somehow don’t qualify for the protections they were previously advocating, but some of that group will have had the seed of rethinking their own prejudices planted in their minds. Then all you can do is to hope those seeds will someday sprout.

I wish you good results in your experiments. I think your students are very lucky because you are so conscientious about your ethics as a teacher, but you still have the fire of your personal convictions. I hope that is a constant dynamic balancing act for you for your entire career. It will tire you sometimes, but it will be a great benefit for your students.

Richard

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Rapunzelly

Dear Rapunzelly,

What a tender, caring gift. I admire your loving kindness toward your father. Your heart is very sweet.

Your dad sounds like an interesting and complicated guy. Parents who have self-defeating traits, and yet who are also bighearted, loving, and patient with others, parents who have pain that might pull them in toward themselves, and yet are still outgoing and curious about the world around them make the best parents, because they help us to be more kind and accepting of our own complicated, conflicted, and painful traits, and to be more kind and accepting of others as well.

I’m assuming that you would like some quotations that are positive, uplifting, or inspirational in human and humanistic terms, but which neither attack nor support your father’s religious views. It sounds like the desired effect is to help him to feel better about you and his relationship with you when he looks at your picture, but you want to do so without contradicting your own convictions by agreeing with his religious beliefs.

This blog is visited by many very smart, knowledgeable, well-read, and well-educated people. I’m sure that several will have quotations and ideas along the lines you described to suggest to you.

I think that in addition to one or more quotations from wise and articulate people in literature, science and the arts, you should also include something directly from your heart to your dad’s heart. In your own words, or taking whatever fits from my words here, perhaps you could say something like this:

Dad, thank you for being the strong, brave, and good man you are. I admire your good example, and I want to be like you in those ways. Thank you for accepting me for who and what I am, and for the way that I see things, even though we see some things differently. Despite those differences, despite your doubts and fears, you have continued to give me love and respect without restraint. For that, I will be grateful my whole life, and I will try my best to always give others love and respect without restraint, despite whatever differences they and I may have. There is no lesson more precious that you could ever have taught me. Thank you!

If that’s too heavy or serious for your poster, there’s no obligation to use my or anyone else’s suggestions. If you’re comfortable with showing us, we would definitely enjoy seeing your creation when it’s done.

Okay, my dear readers, please dig into those deep intellectual pockets of yours, and please donate some pearls of positivism for Rapunzelly and her dad. I thank you in advance.

Richard

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