Ask Richard: When Children Ask an Atheist Teacher About Her Religion

March 5, 2012 By richard wade 40 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Richard,

My wife and I are atheists, and so is my daughter. She is a graduate of a prestigious university and she is now working as a teacher. I think her students range from very young to pre-teen. Last night, she asked me a question: What should she say when her kids ask her “Do you believe in God?” or “What church do you go to?” It’s important to note that in her school there are parents attending almost every class, so she needs an answer that will satisfy adults as well.

The first thing I told her is that in my opinion it is not worth it to jeopardize her career for the sake of being “pure” to her beliefs. It would be wonderful if she could say: “I don’t believe in God,” but I suspect that the kids would be at the least very curious about it, making it an even bigger deal and I’ll bet money the parents would make a stink.

Yet, she and I also do not believe in lying. Especially to the kids (Both of us can really care less about the parents).

The way she is approaching it right now is to divert the question, which is rather easy to do with young kids, attracted as they are to shiny objects, balls and toys. But I am pretty sure that eventually someone is going to put her in a situation where she is going to have to choose between her principles and her job safety.

Are there any elegant answers she can use without lying outright? When I have been caught in similar situations the best I could come up with was: “I was born Catholic”. Not a lie. But not the whole truth.
She doesn’t even have that fallback. The best she could say is: “my family is Catholic”. Technically, that’s true as both my wife and I were baptized in the Church of Rome, but we never had her baptized.

Anyway, I would love to hear your opinion.

Thank you,
Sergio

Dear Sergio,

All questions asked of you exist in a context. A big part of that context is the relationship between you and the questioner, and the roles that you and they are supposed to be playing when you are interacting. So when someone asks you an intrusive question that is not suitable for your respective roles, you don’t necessarily have to answer it truthfully, and you don’t have to lie either. You can politely decline to answer, explaining briefly that the context makes it an inappropriate question to ask or to answer.

With a friendly tone and using age-appropriate language, your daughter can say all or part of something like this:
“For me, such things are very personal, so I don’t talk about them at school. When I’m here, I want to be the very best teacher I can be for you, so that is all I think about and all I talk about. My job is to teach you things like reading, math, and grammar, and your job is to learn them.

A response such as this is completely honest and is, in my opinion, more appropriate for that context than either discussing her atheism, or lying, or equivocating with something such as, “My family is Catholic.” It reinforces the boundaries that should be very clear between her role as teacher, the kids’ role as students, and the overhearing adults’ role as parents of the students. Hopefully, that will be sufficient to put the matter to rest. If the student or even the parent were to persist with the question, then the teacher still should not give in and answer it truthfully or otherwise. Keeping a polite tone, she should confront the person’s persistence as being out of line.

I’m assuming that your daughter teaches in a public, secular, nonsectarian school. If she were at a parochial school, things would be much dicier. In that situation, her ability to give a both honest and appropriate response would depend on whether or not she had an honest and appropriate understanding with her employer about her role. If she was expected to include teaching religious ideas in her classes as a believer herself, then the response I suggested would probably not be satisfactory.

I agree with your pragmatism that it is not worth it to jeopardize her career for the sake of being “pure” to her beliefs. At the same time, I also agree with your principle of not lying. We have to constantly search for the best balance between protecting our own self interests and preserving our integrity in an often hostile environment. Our solutions are seldom perfect; we have to keep sincerely trying our best.

Yes, it would be wonderful if she could matter-of-factly say “I don’t believe in God” without having to fear unfair repercussions, but American society is not at that level of maturity and fair-mindedness yet, and it will be a while. We try to challenge and change the injustices that we can, but in the meantime we must also survive.

Sometimes rather than taking a stand in an answer to a question, it’s better to take a stand on the asking of the question.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, Education, General, Richard Wade 40 Comments

Ask Richard: Atheist Besieged by Family Illness Feels Old Urge to Pray

February 20, 2012 By richard wade 81 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

After rolling through many years without major crises, my family seems to have gotten our bad luck all at once in the form of some mutated cells. My grandfather and pet both have cancer, my boyfriend’s aunt just died of it, I’m scheduled to get a mysterious breast lump checked out, and my father just had a painful biopsy with less than promising conclusions. As I wait for results of various tests and procedures, I’m shocked to find myself actively fighting the urge to pray. I was raised Christian and was a devout child but have been an atheist for about 7 years (I’m 23). I thought I was comfortable with my decision, but faced with the possibility of losing beloved family members, I catch myself with clasped hands, asking God or the universe to influence fate in a way that I know in my head is impossible. I’m somewhat shaken and ashamed at my behavior. Am I a fair-weather atheist? Am I still religious and just didn’t realize it? I consider myself a rational, logical person, and perhaps I just need to learn how to deal with these huge, life-changing problems without the false comfort of prayer. What do you think I should do the next time I feel this way, and is this a normal struggle for atheists?

Thank you for your help,
Rachael

Dear Rachael,

I think the first thing you should do is to forgive yourself for being human. The second thing is to move beyond forgiving yourself, since there is nothing wrong with being human.

To be human is to be continually pulled between your reason and your emotions. It is unavoidable that at times you will be inconsistent and conflicted between these two parts of your nature, especially during stressful or worrisome situations.

Faced with the possibility of losing family members as well as a threat to your own health, it is very understandable that you would experience impulses from your younger years. Yes, your struggle is a very common one for atheists, especially for those who were taught comforting religious beliefs as children.

As I have said in a few other posts, the process of letting go of childhood religious beliefs is two-fold: The intellectual part tends to be much quicker than the emotional part. A person’s rational mind can conclude that religious comforts and assurances are false, but years later they might still feel grief for the loss of that comfort and assurance. In very difficult times the desire for it can become very insistent. The child we once were does not cease to exist when we become adults; it just takes a back seat. Under certain conditions, it can temporarily return to the forefront.

You wonder if you are still religious and didn’t realize it. You don’t sound like you are. You sound like you are the same rational, logical person you have been for seven years, and you’re facing several daunting challenges all at once. The child you once were has returned temporarily to the forefront, and so has her training. Clasping your hands and appealing to a god or the universe is the old way that you were taught to comfort your valid emotional needs. At different points in our lives, we all have different ways that we “hug our teddy bears.” Giving ourselves that child’s comfort is not at all shameful; it’s legitimate. It’s human. Allow yourself whatever helps. It doesn’t mean that you will lose your grip on rationality.

You say you are “somewhat shaken and ashamed” by your behavior, and you ask if you are a “fair weather atheist.” This sounds as if you think you are supposed to live up to some kind of standard of atheist rigor. No, you’re not. You only have to answer to yourself about this, and I suggest that you give yourself the same understanding, patience, and compassion that you would give to anyone else who was in your situation.

For your grandfather, your pet, your father, and for you, I offer you my best wishes for recovery, health, and long life. Those wishes come from my human need to express my empathy and compassion, and they are offered for your human need to know that others care about you. Knowing that can help a little to keep your morale up and to fend off despair. This is why you should share what you are going through with a few close friends.

But wishes are basically like prayers, except that the latter also imagines a deity. What will help you much more than wishes or prayers are the rational things that you and your family are already doing. Diagnostic procedures and medical treatments are founded in rational thinking, and they offer all of you the best chance for good outcomes. Give yourself permission to do whatever helps you to maintain your emotional health, so that you will continue to pursue the most rational path for your and your family’s physical health.

Richard

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Filed Under: Advice, General, Richard Wade 81 Comments

Ask Richard: Unwelcome Evangelizing by University Math Teacher

February 13, 2012 By richard wade 39 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Richard,

I know a Christian mathematician and lecturer at my local university. Though not friends we have always been on friendly terms. Ever since he found out that I’m an ex-Christian, he’s been looking for an opportunity to “share the gospel” with me and “bring me back to the fold.” Not wishing to cause friction (as I’m a student), I’m usually quick enough to avoid any religious conversations. Things came to a head today, when he caught me unawares. Naturally, we got into an argument. He told me that my arguments “were confused,” I was giving the “standard stuff off the internet,” and that I was “choosing to reject Jesus.” Eventually, I just played along until he calmed down and then excused myself. I know that he will come at me again. I feel intimidated and unsure of myself. He seemed to have an answer for all the objections I put forward. He used a combination of apologetics combined with some analogies from mathematics. How do I stand up for myself against an individual who is intellectually my superior?

Kind Regards and Much Thanks
Carl

Dear Carl,

I hope that by “Christian mathematician” you don’t mean he teaches “Christian mathematics.” What little I know of Christian mathematics are things like 0 + 0 = 1, 0 x 0 = 1, and zero evidence plus a large amount of talk equals one deity’s existence.

Kidding aside, I think you should not bother puzzling over how to “win” this debate, when you don’t even want to be in the debate. You said that you don’t want to cause friction because you are a student, so you prefer to avoid religious conversations entirely. You have a completely legitimate right to do so.

His position as a teacher gives him or implies that he has authority and power over students, and that carries a responsibility to be mindful and sensitive about how he interacts with students. His aggressively pursuing you to attempt to evangelize you without your invitation is inappropriate for his role as a math teacher, and he is overstepping his bounds.

You had to play along with him until he “calmed down,” as if you felt were at risk in some way, and you feel intimidated by the prospect of him “coming at you” again. This is the professorial version of playground bullying, and he should be called on it. Because he may not realize how unwelcome his behavior is, he deserves one fair warning to back off.

If you don’t want to have these discussions, you don’t have to endure them, but it is up to you to put a stop to them. The time for avoiding friction has passed. You’re not on friendly terms any more. He has spoiled that. Don’t bother trying to unravel his bafflingly elaborate arguments that are bankrupt of evidence, and don’t tolerate his condescending characterizations of your private motives, i.e., “choosing to reject Jesus.”

Instead of struggling to argue with him, stand up to his badgering. Otherwise he’ll just persist and escalate, and he’ll also feel free to do this to other students. Look him right in the eye and in a calm, cool tone say something like, “Professor ____, this has nothing to do with math and nothing to do with my studies. Your proselytizing is unasked for, unwelcome, and out of line. I am not interested in having this conversation with you, and I want you to stop now.”

Hopefully he’ll stop right there, but he might make some snide remark implying that you are being cowardly, or that you’re conceding defeat because you can’t counter his “argument,” or some other attempt to goad you. Don’t fall for anything like those! Those are just traps to sucker you back into playing in his ego trip. Take a deep, slow breath and calmly reply, “I’m not going to respond to that. I’ve made it clear that what you’re doing is unwelcome. If you persist, I will file a complaint with the Dean.” If you are too nervous to verbally deliver either of these two steps with the necessary poise, that’s okay, write it on a note and hand it to him.

You must not bluff. You must be prepared to follow through. You have rights as a student, and you have rights as a human being, but you will not enjoy those rights unless you are ready to enforce them yourself. Other people may be willing to stand up for you, but you must stand up first. Because you are a student, I assume that you are young. Build this conviction into your psyche now, so that it will set deeply.

You also can draw upon support from your fellow students. If there is a Secular Student Alliance on your campus, or some kind of club for non-believers, approach them and ask their advice. Such college groups should not only be for enjoying sharing ideas and views. They should also be for mutual support against abuse. If there isn’t a group on campus, it’s clearly needed. Start one.

Later in life, you’ll have more self-confidence and more argumentation skills, and perhaps you’ll have more time and interest in engaging in these amusements. Generally I prefer to cut these very short, because I have better things to do.

The best way I have found is to first explain to the person that to be convinced of any important claim, I need to be shown evidence that matches its significance. Some people believe outlandish hypotheses at the mere suggestion. I can’t. That’s just the way I am; I was born this way. Arguments are not evidence. Arguments need evidence. Arguments are what people fall back on when they have no evidence. No matter how eloquent, elaborate or simply long-winded an argument is, if it has no acceptable evidence at its foundation, then it’s just vibrating air. Acceptable evidence is three-dimensional and has mass. It requires no mystical knowledge or ability, and it can be observed by anyone using at least one of the five senses. Then I politely ask the person to skip all the talk and show me the evidence, or please stop wasting my time.

Carl, I hope that your years at the university are full of the sheer pleasure and excitement of learning, and I hope that your interactions with your teachers are far more productive and suitable than the kind of inappropriate and annoying claptrap that you got from this one teacher.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, Education, General, Richard Wade 39 Comments

Ask Richard: A Young Atheist Doctor Responding to Religious Patients

February 6, 2012 By richard wade 44 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

I am an atheist secular humanist. I am also a physician in my last year of residency in a “Bible Belt” area and, while I have gotten a fantastic medical education, I have not found any good role models to help me address the myriad of difficulties surrounding being an atheist doctor. I suspect that some of my attending physicians also are atheist or agnostic, but it’s not something that many people discuss openly around here.

I often find myself in difficult situations at work when it comes to religion. I always try to respect the beliefs of my patients, but I struggle to find an appropriate response when they ask me to pray for them or ask me point blank, “Doc, do you believe in God?” Often I find myself blundering for a way to change the subject and dodge the question or let them think I share their beliefs without actually lying and saying that I do, but this feels dishonest. I also would like to “come out” and become more involved in the atheist community but I’m worried about how that might affect my career. My impression is that many patients would not want to be cared for by an atheist doctor.

I suspect that doctors, as scientists, tend to be more atheistic and agnostic than the general population, but it seems to be a taboo subject. Do you have any suggestions for resources or support groups for atheist doctors? It would help to have a professional community to which I could turn to for advice.

-Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

It’s a taboo subject probably for the same reason that you have succinctly described here: Depending on the setting and the circumstances, coming out as an atheist doctor can be hazardous to your career. Nurses who are atheists face this risk as well, not just from patients but also from their colleagues. Not everyone can enjoy the impunity and immunity of Dr. Gregory House.

Often your patients feel vulnerable and scared. They know you’re smart and well trained, but they also know you’re only human, so they hope you will be given a little extra help because you have a good buddy named God. Because you’re a person who wants to help people in their anguish as well as their illness, their neediness might cause you to feel inadequate to meet all their needs. Keep in mind that you can’t meet all their needs. Their car, their computer, their tax return, and their spiritual issues are the purview of other specialists.

I understand that it is distasteful to have to lie, or to be evasive, or to allow them to assume incorrect things about your beliefs, but these matters are not relevant to your practice of good medicine for them. You don’t have to tell them the truth about irrelevant things if it is going to hurt you. Give yourself permission to respond in whatever ways help you to keep helping them as a doctor.

You have to get along with them, so you probably can’t just say, “That’s none of your business.” You might try a technique that I’ve used as a counselor. I would turn any question that my clients had about me into a question about them. When your patient asks you to pray for them, say, “Are you feeling anxious or scared about any of this? Can I better explain to you what we’re going to do? Would you like me to ask the hospital chaplain to visit you?” This kind of response gives your patients three things: Firstly, it acknowledges and shows caring about their underlying feelings. Secondly, it offers them what you can do for them, such as explaining the medical issues clearly. Thirdly, it offers them a better qualified resource for their religious concerns.

If you’re cornered by a direct question about your belief in God, and if you neither want to lie or evade, you might try asking them why that is important to them. Listen carefully, and if it seems appropriate say something like this: “I focus all of my mind on giving you the best medical care I can. That’s all I do. I concentrate on nothing else.” That might or might not satisfy them, but it’s honest, and it’s the most polite way can think of to close down the topic.

You need to find some comrades and confidants in the medical field, either doctors or nurses. They will probably have much better suggestions than mine. Ideally, you could use a trusted atheist friend who is at roughly your level in the hospital hierarchy, and another one who is senior to you. Together, they can advise you about ways to deal with patients, and also about who in the hospital administration you need to be careful around.

The tricky part is how to discreetly find them. You may have to risk a little by feeling out someone who seems the least religious and the most discreet. I wish I had a better suggestion.

You’re correct that a higher percentage of scientists are atheists than the general population. The percentage may differ between disciplines. A study by the University of Chicago indicates that about 24% of medical physicians are atheists. That may be less than scientists in general, but it’s still more than the general population, and you only need one or two.

I found no current online support group specifically for atheist physicians. I found one blog called The Atheist Physician, but I don’t know if he will have anything to offer you. Read his first entry of Oct. 29, 2011, and contact him if it seems worth a try.

This column doesn’t just rely on my knowledge. There’s a large readership of very knowledgeable people, and they have helped letter writers many times. Perhaps there are some people reading this who know of resources for you.

Any medical professionals or anyone else out there who can offer some suggestions?

Kimberly, I know that residency is exhausting, and you are at the mercy of the whims of senior doctors and administrators. Once you gain more autonomy, hopefully you won’t have to be so circumspect about your views. Of course in the U.S., the particular region in which you live can make a big difference.

I wish I could think of more immediately helpful suggestions. Sometimes just like doctors, I can only offer meager assistance and hope for the best.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 44 Comments

Ask Richard: Do I Really Need To Be An Atheist?

January 30, 2012 By richard wade 30 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

I have a complicated issue and I was hoping that you could offer some insight so I can make an informed decision. I am an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I don’t want to be atheist. I turned towards atheism several months ago, but before that I had some personal spiritual beliefs I’ve been believing for some time now. Ever since I began exploring atheism, I’ve become really depressed about letting go of my old beliefs. I didn’t follow any religion… I just had some beliefs of mine that were more of comfort beliefs than anything else, but they did make me feel better at times. After giving it some thought, I asked myself if I really needed to be atheist because I don’t really have any good reasons to become one. I am not fanatical about my personal spiritual beliefs, and I rarely share my feelings about them. If I became an atheist, it’d be just about the same. My main concern however is that I just feel awful since moving towards atheism. Is it okay for me to have my own, personal spiritual beliefs if they’re helping me in the end? Thanks.

—Benjamin

Dear Benjamin,

It’s okay for you to have whatever beliefs you have. There is neither a “need” for you to be an atheist, nor a “need” for you to be a theist or anything else. Follow whatever works for you and whatever is true for you. If your beliefs give you comfort and if they make sense for you, then keep them.

However, I think the conflict you’re having is that your beliefs give you comfort, but they no longer make sense for you.

Forgive me for analyzing you through your letter. I cannot know for certain without a careful back-and-forth interview with you, so I can only offer my initial impressions, which could be inaccurate.

As a former therapist, I must stop here to respond to your mention of “becoming really depressed.” Clinical depression, rather than sadness or grief can be very dangerous. If you think you are depressed, if you have feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of death, please talk to a doctor immediately. Your safety is paramount, beyond any other issue here. You deserve to be able to sort out your new views, your old beliefs, and to live a happy and satisfying life.

You haven’t detailed what your comforting spiritual beliefs are, but the ones I have most often heard described are those about an afterlife, those about something that gives a sense of order to what can seem like a chaotic universe, and those about something that will give guidance or protection in a daunting situation.

Whatever they may be, you sound like you don’t actually believe your beliefs; you’re just keeping them around as comforting thoughts. You talk about them as if they’re outside of you, and you’re looking at them in a detached way. You do not sound like you have a strong inner conviction that they’re correct and true. Comfort and reassurance are important and legitimate human needs, but the comfort and reassurance of a belief vanish when one realizes that it is not true. It becomes only a wished-for memory. Then those needs have to be fulfilled in new ways.

You say you’re an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I think your ambivalence is not between disbelieving and believing. I think it’s between disbelieving and wishing you still believed.

I think the fence that you’re sitting on is a difficult place of transition that many atheists reading your letter will recognize from their own experience. Very often there is a lag time between a person’s intellectual realization that they no longer believe in something, and their emotional acceptance that it is gone. People often experience this stage of conflict between their head and their heart as feelings of grief, regret, and loss. What you are describing sounds like this. The mourning period can last for weeks, months, or less often for years, but most people pass through it and emerge resolved and more comfortable on the far side.

I think the best way to progress through this process is to talk about it frequently with trusted friends who have been through it themselves. There’s nothing specific that I can point to in your letter, but I get a vague inkling that you are wrestling with this struggle all by yourself. If that is correct, I urge you to reach out and find people with similar views. You’ll immediately discover the relief that comes from knowing that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels whatever you do, and you’ll probably find very practical suggestions as well as encouragement and companionship. You’ll find that this is a good new source for the comfort and reassurance that the old beliefs used to give you.

There’s a chance that my analysis is not correct. If you are not going through the grief period, if whatever are your personal spiritual beliefs help you as you say they do, if they give you comfort and they make sense for you, then as I said at the beginning, keep them.

Do you “need” to be an atheist? No. You need only to be true to yourself. True to your mind, and true to your heart. Completely, thoroughly, courageously true.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 30 Comments

Ask Richard: Atheist’s Boyfriend Doesn’t Take Her Views Seriously

January 23, 2012 By richard wade 17 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

I have been a fence sitter for a long time. It’s only been this last year that I came to terms with my disbelief. Saying I’m an atheist hasn’t been easy. Most people still don’t know. The subject doesn’t come up. Which I guess I’m fortunate in that respect. I am not outspoken or any sort of activist. But here’s the problem: my boyfriend of 3 years says he’s agnostic. He doesn’t like the idea of “hardcore atheists” (whatever that means). He pokes fun at me when religion comes up. Like when we watch a movie where people are praying or talking about god or when we are with his family and they pray before a meal he’ll stare at me to see if I have a reaction.

I’ve recently been trying to get into touch with any atheist organizations in my area. One is about an hour away. He jokingly said we should go and hold signs up saying we believe in god. (I can’t make it to the meet-up this time) I am at a loss on how to make him understand. I don’t know if he just doesn’t take my views seriously, or he’s hoping he doesn’t have to. Thanks for “listening”.

Megan

Dear Megan,

I think that your either/or assessment of your boyfriend is correct in both ways: He doesn’t take your views seriously, and he is hoping he doesn’t have to.

Something you should also assess is the strength of your self-esteem. You need to be able to say with conviction to yourself and others, “I deserve to be taken seriously, and I deserve a boyfriend who takes me seriously. I will not be discounted, dismissed or disrespected just to have a boyfriend or any other relationship.” If you’re already at that place, good. If not yet, then you should work to improve your sense of self-worth first.

Your decision about your disbelief is very new, and it came after considerable difficulty, so it is understandable that you don’t feel confident about it yet. There is often an emotional disquiet that lingers for a while after one reaches an intellectual conclusion of atheism. You need time and a safe person with whom you can share your views, understand them better, and become more comfortable discussing them. Your boyfriend might not be the best person for this task. Definitely go to the meet-up you found, and any other opportunity to meet atheists, but consider going there without him for the time being.

Once your confidence in your self-worth and your confidence about your views are stronger, you and he need to sit down and have a few serious talks.

It appears that he is not at all comfortable with what he thinks is your position. I say “what he thinks” because he might have misconceptions and inaccurate assumptions. Teasing, joking, and poking fun may be his indirect way of relieving his own tension about this topic, and his way to avoid confronting it directly. He is a little passive-aggressive about it. Passive-aggressive methods are usually very annoying to people. You will need to assertively demand that he stop such behaviors, and be direct, frank and respectful with you. Do your best to make it safe for him to be straight forward, and at the same time make it clear that you expect the same courtesy of safety from him.

Working together, the two of you should clarify exactly what he means by “hardcore atheist,” so both of you know if you actually fit whatever that means to him. During religious scenes in a movie or while others are saying grace at the table, his pointedly staring at you is rhetorical. He’s expressing something. Clarify exactly what he is saying by his stares, and tell him how you feel when he does that.

Clarify also what he means when he says he’s agnostic. He might mean the narrow definition that the existence of gods as described by believers is not knowable. He might mean the more common “Switzerland” stance of “Maybe yes, maybe no, I’m staying neutral.” He might reveal something entirely different, such as, “Actually, I do believe, but I said I’m agnostic because I didn’t want to fight with you about it.” Who knows what might be behind this discomfort he seems to have?

The point is, you need to know. He was your boyfriend for two years before you became more decided about your atheism, so he might have conflicting feelings about this change. Because differences in religious views can be extremely divisive, all these things should be out in the open, or misconceptions, assumptions, and resentments will drive a wedge between you.

Megan, I think that if you take this challenge as an opportunity for the two of you to grow and mature, as well as to practice better communication skills, your relationship will be healthier, more satisfying, and more beneficial for both of you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Love, Richard Wade 17 Comments

Ask Richard: Teen Suicide’s Atheism Concealed by His Parents

January 16, 2012 By richard wade 30 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

My high school has recently been shocked by the suicide of one of my fellow students. Though I did not know him extremely well, I knew that he was an atheist like myself. This has not only made me wish I had known him better, but since his death I have taken a keen interest over his Facebook page, which has exploded with prayers and blessings in the past week despite his religious stance being clear to anyone viewing the page. My worst fear was that people would see this and blame his depression on being an atheist.

However, something else has been troubling me. A week after his death, the boy’s parents, who have been moderating the page, have changed his public religious view to Christian (and his political view to conservative to boot). I understand that his parents must be in outstanding grief, and as Christians they must hope that their son is in a better place. But I feel that arbitrarily changing their son’s views does dishonor to his memory and breeches his privacy, especially after already having posted the boy’s suicide letter publicly. It’s hard to justify why I am so offended by this — as an atheist I obviously don’t believe this boy is shaking his fist angrily from the heavens or rolling in his grave. But I know that if I was in his place and could somehow look down on the proceedings, I would be extremely hurt that my family edited my strongly held positions for the public to view.

I know that it would probably be inappropriate to make any kind of comment on his Facebook page concerning the matter in such sensitive circumstances. But is my opinion on this matter completely unfounded? How would you feel in this situation and is there any way I can show my support for my late classmate as a fellow atheist without coming off as particularly offensive to my primarily Christian school and the boy’s Christian family?

Thank you,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I think your opinion is well founded, and if I were in your place, I would share your feelings of indignation and a sense of wrongness about it, but what you should do about your opinion and feelings is a separate matter.

When deciding your response to situations like these, one important guideline is to consider how much harm will be done to how many people, and how much good will be done to how many people by whatever actions you take. Then you must assess who are the most vulnerable for harm, and who are the most likely to be helped.

The parents and family are in extreme pain, much more than what one expects from uncomplicated grief. The grief that parents experience from the death of their child by disease or unavoidable accident is horrendous enough. If their child was murdered, then anger at the killer is added to their grief. In the case of suicide, the killer and the victim are one in the same. The family often has anger conflicting with their love and grief, and so their feelings are mixed and inflamed, and sometimes spiral into an extremely agonizing and confusing mess.

With suicides, the family and loved ones often fall into self-recrimination, thinking that they could have and should have seen warning signs, or somehow they should have been better parents, better siblings, or better friends for the deceased. They can unfairly and unreasonably conclude that the death is somehow partly or even entirely their fault. So guilt is often added to that already awful soup of unbearable emotions.

At the effect of so much heartache, people will make controversial decisions that some will accept and others will find objectionable.

We cannot know for certain, but perhaps it is unfair to assume that the family’s motives for changing his profile to Christian were selfish or were only about saving face. It could be that comments have been left on the site that reacted to his public disbelief, and were negative, disapproving, condemning or condescending, (as living atheists so often have to endure) and the family has been removing them. In light of their pain described above, it would be understandable if they wanted to spare themselves and other family members such insensitive and even cruel treatment.

Does this fail to honor his memory as the real person he was? In the strictest sense yes, but I think his family’s experience of him involved far more than his atheism. They will remember him in all the ways they need to remember him. Almost all of us do that with those we have lost.

As you indicated in your letter, you and I share the reflex to show compassion for those who are in pain, and let them have their small comforts and self-protections, especially when announcing the uncomfortable truth would only serve to vent our own indignation.

But leaving the family alone still leaves you with your unsatisfied and unresolved feelings, which is really what I think you wanted to sort out.

You spoke of how hurt you would feel if your own family were to erase your atheism or other strongly held views from whatever memorialized you. You would want to be represented and remembered accurately, with as much honesty and realism as you tried to practice in your life.

Your letter doesn’t indicate whether you have shared your atheism with your family, or whether doing so would open up serious problems. For people of high school age, coming out to their family can often be a very difficult and even risky proposition, so think that over very carefully. If you haven’t yet, then whenever the time is right, getting clear with them on the matter of your beliefs will better ensure that they will understand how you want to be represented both in life and in the unlikely event of your death.

Another thing you might do would first require you to decide whether or not you are comfortable revealing your own atheism in a high school that you describe as “primarily Christian.” If you are comfortable with that, you might consider talking about the boy with your friends and with his friends at school. Discreetly discussing what you knew about his atheism would be a way to assure that those who mattered to him will remember this aspect of him accurately.

Nicole, I hope that you and everyone you have mentioned in this sad story are able to heal from their various degrees of hurt and grief, and that none of you are ever touched again by such a tragedy. Live your life fully in these ways: gratefully, respectfully, meaningfully, thoughtfully, and truthfully, and encourage everyone you know to do the same.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, Death, General, Richard Wade 30 Comments

Ask Richard: Atheist’s Parents Keep “Magic of Reality” from Younger Brother

January 9, 2012 By richard wade 39 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

I’m the only out atheist in my family. We have the occasional argument or discussion but for the most part we all agree to try and be respectful. Tonight that all seems to have fallen apart, and I’m a little torn on how to proceed.

I just finished reading Dawkins’ newest book, The Magic of Reality and I decided that I wanted to share it with my younger brother since he is who the book is aimed at. He’s in high school and home-schooled with a fundamental Christian curriculum, so his “science” books teach a literal view of Genesis, and they generally teach anything but actual science. I know that my little brother is interested in possibly going to medical school one day and that he has a general interest in the scientific field, even if he isn’t exactly vocal about it. When he asks me questions I have the bad habit of explaining things in terms he can’t completely understand. So I was pretty ecstatic to share with him the knowledge in Dawkins’ book.

However, my mother found the book and took it away from him before he could even get started. She returned it to me without a word but instead with a note telling me “Not now. Maybe when he’s 18 but certainly not now.” I honestly can’t describe how I felt reading and rereading that note: angry, surprised, disappointed, in denial…

She knows that I left religion behind because science explained the world in much more complex but beautiful ways. I think that she is afraid that if my brother starts to read and understand things in the same way I did, that he’ll eventually leave religion behind too. She believes that he’s been called to ministry since he was a child but I know my little brother and he has no interest in being a missionary or pastor.

Unfortunately, I let my emotions take control and my mother and I had a fight about her taking the book away, but we eventually reached a compromise I’m not happy about: She’ll read the book and then decide if he can handle it. I get the sinking feeling that she’ll decide he can’t no matter what and that breaks my heart for a multitude of reasons.

As an undergraduate science major, I want nothing more than to show my brother that the world is a grand and wonderful place, that the knowledge of how it all works is out there even though it might be hard to comprehend at times. I want to encourage him, not to abandon his beliefs, but to look at the world with a skeptical eye and to learn as much as he can. I want to do all I can to keep encouraging him because I can see the beginnings of that mindset taking root.

I have my own apartment while I’m away at college so I can’t always be around to talk to him. I love my family but how do I even begin to try and help my brother to think rationally when he lives with parents who seem to believe they can dictate what he reads, learns, and believes? And how do I help my parents understand that the words in a book shouldn’t be a frightening thing, that they shouldn’t take away the opportunity for him to learn and make decisions for himself?

Thanks,
Victor

Dear Victor,

When people are shown the apple of knowledge and then it is forbidden to them, they become much more interested in eating it.

Now that your brother has seen the book and it has been forbidden to him, he’s much more likely to be curious about it. In his mind, the issue is no longer whether or not it’s a useful or appropriate book. Now it is part of a conflict between his freedom and his mother’s control of his freedom. Teenagers are naturally in this conflict with their parents all the time. It’s called individuation, part of their healthy development. Now science and critical thinking will be one of the areas where that struggle is acted out.

Dawkins’ book is a very good tool, but your relationship with your brother will be much more important to help him become a free thinking person. It will be at times a delicate balance between expressing what you would prefer him to do and honoring his freedom:

Show him your letter. Show him that you favor his having freedom to think for himself, that you value his intelligence, and you have confidence in his ability to handle new ideas. At the same time, make it clear to him that you love him for himself, rather than for what opinions he holds. You want him to become his own full self whatever that may be, rather than becoming only what will please you, or his parents, or anyone else.

When he asks you a question, Don’t “sell” your scientific viewpoint over the religious viewpoint. Just try to answer his question from your understanding. If you think you’ll get over his head, tell him you’ll brush up on it and get back to him soon with a more understandable answer. That will send him the message that his question deserves a worthy response. That message is as important as the answer itself, because it encourages his curiosity. By the way, taking the time to compose a simpler answer will greatly enhance your own understanding of whatever the subject is. As Einstein said, ”You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.”

Develop an online relationship with him via email. Facebook is not private. While you’re away at college, communicate with him on a regular basis. Tell him of your own challenges and conflicts, your own ups and downs. This will give him permission and a sense of safety to be candid with you in return. Older brothers and sisters occupy a unique position; they’re neither parent nor friend, but someone who can have the best qualities of both.

I wouldn’t call the outcome from the fight you had with your mother a “compromise,” because there wasn’t a mutual give-and-take. Hopefully it was not just a way for her to postpone a flat refusal. Give her a reasonable amount of time, and then without a tone of nagging, ask her if she has looked at the book, and ask what she thinks about it. Perhaps you can start a dialogue between the two of you about it, even if she is still afraid to let your brother read it. Sometimes small steps can reach goals when bold leaps are too scary.

When talking to your mother, you must keep your emotions under control. The virtues of rationalism are not well demonstrated if you lose your temper, and the other person will probably not be swayed by even the most cool-headed rational persuasion if they’ve already lost their temper. Giving you that note about the book suggests that she is uncomfortable with speaking to you directly about such matters because the feelings are too tense. You can begin to relax those feelings between you if you understand her emotional motive.

I think your assessment is correct, she’s afraid. Keeping that in mind can help you to respond with compassion and patience rather than with anger. She sees her sons growing up in a world that is no longer interested in her cherished beliefs. One son has already rejected them, and the other might be showing similar signs. Her fantasy about him going into ministry is comforting to her, but it will probably be self-defeating in the end because she’s paying attention to her desires rather than to his.

You both have fear for your brother’s fate. She handles her fear by trying to overprotect and control him. Make sure you don’t try to overprotect and control him in your own way. As an adolescent, it is part of his nature to resist others’ attempts to mold him to their wishes, both hers and yours. In the end, the one who will be the most influential to him will probably be the one who gave him the most encouragement to find his own way.

He’s a very lucky young man to have a big brother such as you. I hope that everyone in your family can find ways to live in harmony and to keep expressing their love for each other despite differences in their beliefs. This is a time in history when enormous numbers of families are going through the changes and conflicts that you are experiencing. You’re certainly not alone.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Atheist Parenting, Education, General, Richard Wade 39 Comments

Ask Richard: Former Minister Grieves the Loss of Her Faith

January 2, 2012 By richard wade 41 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

Thank you for being there (in “The Friendly Atheist”) when I finally realized I was grieving the loss of my faith. After a lifetime of service to the Presbyterian Church, including three years in seminary and seven years in pastoral ministry, it left me completely three years ago, at the conclusion of a difficult interim position. I’m 64 years old. My husband, also clergy, never took anything in scripture literally and often ridiculed my beliefs. Now I find myself even farther out than he is. I also did a Master’s in existential philosophy (before seminary) and see no point in mental gymnastics. I watched my dad, a great and learned man, lose his mind during the years before his actual death. Nothing lasts, why strive? You advocate something called “secular humanism.” I always saw that as the enemy of Christianity so I know nothing. What’s it about and what’s good in it? Ayn Rand is about the extent of my knowledge and I found her horribly egotistical. I’m sad except when I’m with my granddaughter and the three or four women I volunteer with. I’m not suicidal, although I don’t see any grand purpose in life or living.

Sincerely,
Barbara

P.S. I just occurred to me that for the first time I’m grateful for (instead of angry about) the secularization of Christmas so I can still enjoy the gifting and decorating.

Dear Barbara,

I think you’re still in the midst of your grieving. The greater the importance that a cherished person, thing or commitment has for us, the greater the grief we suffer when it passes away from us. Grief can last quite a while, and it fades away gradually. Your commitment was enormous, and so I’m not surprised if after three years you are still mourning.

What you are describing also sounds a little like depression, which sometimes accompanies grief, but which can settle in and become chronic, remaining even after the grief is over. I’m glad that you reassure us that you’re not suicidal, but it also might be good for you to run through the main items on the depression checklist. While grief for any kind of loss can have many of the traits here, they generally taper off over time. For depression, look for a pattern of persistence or even increase over time:

  • Feeling daily sad, empty, purposeless, worthless, helpless, hopeless, or inappropriately guilty.
  • Irritability, impatience, anxiety.
  • Loss of interest in friends, family, hobbies, pleasurable things.
  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions.
  • Changes in appetite, significant weight loss not from dieting, or weight gain.
  • Loss of energy, fatigue, moving very slowly.
  • Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
  • Unexplained physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach aches, body pains.
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die.

If you have any of these to a significant level, or if you have some of these to a moderate level, I think you should consult a doctor or counselor or both. If you decide that therapy would be helpful, be certain that it is not pastoral counseling in any form. Regular, secular, psychology-based counseling would be the best choice for you.

Aside from that issue, It sounds like your loss of faith also resulted in a loss of things for you to do. The timing of this in your sixties, when not only are you adjusting to changes in your body, you’re also adjusting to changes in roles that you and society might expect of you. This could be adding to your sense of being adrift and directionless.

Seeking a direction, you asked about humanism. Descriptions and definitions differ, but I think that you can get a good understanding from the material on the American Humanist Association website. Read all of the essays on that page, not just the Humanist Manifesto III. For someone with a Master’s in existential philosophy, these should be easy reading. Ayn Rand is probably not the best representative of what humanism can be. Here I ask our very learned Friendly Atheist readers out there for their recommendations for further reading on humanism.

My friends, your suggestions, please?

You need some peers, some people who understand what you are going through because they have been there too. The internet is a wonderful tool for this, and a few online atheist friends who can recognize exactly what you share are very important. Again, I ask our readers if they know of good sources for former clergy to find each other. Finally, former clergy or not, having at least one trusted atheist friend with whom you can meet face to face is invaluable. Keep looking, don’t give up.

I don’t pretend to understand much about existentialism, but I do remember that Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.”

You can choose your own purpose, invent whatever meaning you wish for your life, cast yourself in whatever role you please. You don’t have to passively receive it from above, from outside of you. It’s deeply and wonderfully all yours. Judging from your letter, I think your role will have much to do with helping other people.

You asked, “Nothing lasts, so why strive?” I reply, “Yes, nothing lasts, so strive!” Make the most of this limited time. Don’t live inconsequentially, have an effect! Leave the world a little better because you were here. It might not be a grand and famous difference you’ll make in the world as a whole, but it can be grand and famous in the lives of those people who are lucky enough to know you.

You’re already on the right track by spending time being happy with your granddaughter and the three or four women with whom you volunteer. Ah, volunteering. You’re already practicing an important expression of humanism. You’ll find from your reading and your own experience that other human beings are both the essence and the embodiment of humanism, the essence and embodiment of your own humanity. Expand your love, your caring, your willingness, your interaction, your positive effect on others, and you expand your own life.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 41 Comments

Ask Richard: Atheist Being Included in Religious Discussions at Work

December 26, 2011 By richard wade 18 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard,

I live in the heart of the Bible belt and have recently come out about my lack of beliefs. It has been quite the shock for my Christian family, friends and co-workers. Thankfully my co-workers have been the least judgmental of all. My question is how to handle the religious talk that still permeates my office. My boss and co-workers have daily office devotionals which thankfully I am no longer pressured to attend.

However, they still wish to discuss Christian Theology with me as if I were still “a part of the fold.” It’s an awkward situation for me. I obviously have differing opinions and views. I don’t want to hurt their feelings yet I feel compelled to stand up for my own beliefs or should I say lack thereof. How does one discuss the “merits” of the Bible when they no longer believe? Help!

Sincerely,
Robin

Dear Robin,

I think you should make three assessments.

The first is to carefully and realistically assess the security of your employment in this company. Unless you are essential and irreplaceable, you might eventually be at risk for being socially or professionally pressured to leave.

I have received many dozens of letters from people in the Bible belt who have faced systematic ostracization at work because it became known that they are the religious outsider. Granted, that is not a scientific survey of the work environment in that region, but it certainly is an extensive collection of cautionary tales.

In your case, when the novelty of repartee with the resident atheist wears off, when you have with utmost politeness poked holes in all of their fallacious arguments, when they have retreated to their last refuge of “Well, you just have to have faith,” and they know exactly why that sounds lame to you, when it has become clear that you will never be seduced back into the flock, then they might start to get petulant, peevish, and pugnacious.

So far, your boss and co-workers seem to be handling your atheism maturely and fairly. For a company that has as much formalized religiosity as you have described, I find that quite remarkable.

I hope it lasts, but be prepared if it doesn’t.

The second thing to assess is what is their purpose for continuing to include you in these theological discussions when you no longer participate in the “daily devotionals.” You can do this by quietly observing, or by subtly probing, or by frankly asking. It all depends on what approaches you have found work in that environment.

Is their purpose to stimulate more incisive and interesting dialogue because of your contrary viewpoint? Is it an attempt to bring you back into the fold? Is it to taunt or goad you? Is it simply because you are there in the room when they talk? Or what?

The third thing to assess is what is your purpose for doing this. Do you simply enjoy practicing the art of argumentation? Is your goal to promote clear mutual understanding of your views and their views? Are you representing atheists and atheism as a movement beyond yourself as an individual? Perhaps you’re hoping to persuade them to adopt your views? Could it involve defending your position in the social structure of the office? Do you want to make it clear that although you are the outsider in this issue, you have value to offer socially in other ways? Are you letting them know you won’t be cowed or bullied? Or what?

To be clear, I am not implying that there are any “shoulds” in these questions, as if you should have this motive and should not have that motive. You have the right to follow whatever reasons are yours. You “owe” it to no one else to have any of these purposes. The point is to be very clear to yourself what you want from this situation.

From those three assessments I think you’ll have a better idea of what path to take, and how lightly or boldly to tread on that path. Keep reviewing your three appraisals, because they can change over time.

If you actively get into these discussions, be watchful for signs of common snags. They can include:

  • Equating one’s beliefs with one’s self. When a person’s belief is well challenged or refuted, they will sometimes feel personally threatened. Try to explain the difference between the two. You can completely disagree with their belief, but still hold them in high regard as persons. If someone overtly refuses to differentiate the two, essentially saying, “I am my beliefs, so attacking my beliefs is attacking me,” then there’s not much point in continuing the dialogue, and it’s probably best to avoid more with that person.
  • Characterizing the other person’s viewpoint in an overly simplified manner even after the facets and nuances have been explained. “Oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in anything,” is a caricature of atheists I’ve often heard. It’s an attempt at dismissive superiority. Patiently re-clarify the complexities of your views. Don’t get suckered into losing your temper. That will be used to dismiss you further.
  • Going for “winning” rather than understanding; going for conquest rather than conversation. These are not wrestling matches where one opponent must acknowledge complete defeat right there in front of everyone. You could watch or partake in hundreds of discussions about religion, and you’d probably never witness that. You might be able to plant seeds of doubt and seeds of careful thinking, but if they sprout, it will most likely be much later, in private, when people are not in their “combat mode.”
  • Talking too long. Try to keep these conversations brief. It’s a workplace, after all. Fatigue and frustration from a long dispute can begin to strain the genial feelings, and the primary purpose for everyone being in that building is to get the work done, whatever it is. To do that successfully, you all have to get along. Try to get that awareness overtly agreed upon.

If you see such snags being done by others, first be certain you’re not also doing them yourself. Then you can step out of the content, the subject of the conversation, and make a brief comment in a patient, respectful tone about the underlying dynamic that you think you’re seeing. Then return to talking about the subject, trying to steer it out of that snag.

Strategically, they have an advantage and you have an advantage. Their advantage is that they outnumber you. One of them can be thinking up a challenge while you’re fielding another’s. As good as you might be at argumentation, you have limits to your endurance. It’s perfectly okay to make a frank comment about that, and call a recess. Nobody expects you to be a 10th dan Aikido master who can take on fifteen opponents at once.

Your advantage is that they are most likely going to be the ones making the assertions and claims about the Bible and their beliefs. So the burden for supporting their claims is on them. They have to do the work. You are simply unconvinced because you need evidence, and you politely ask for it. Sit comfortably and enjoy watching them work, but don’t smirk. Adopt a stance of good-natured and sincere curiosity in their ideas. Stay relaxed, cheerful, jovial, and congenial.

The risk for you will come if you are good at this. Any hint of smugness or conceit on your part will turn the whole thing sour. That would not be good. If this were a chat between strangers in a coffee house, one could simply get up and leave. You don’t have that option here.

You have an unusual opportunity to at least dispel myths and misconceptions about atheists, and possibly introduce elements of critical thinking to a few people. Keep your wits about you, and make your moves carefully. I hope it goes well for you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 18 Comments
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