…

I have been very, very slowly coming out of the atheist closet. It literally took me years to be honest with myself and even longer to actually say the words out loud to another person: “I don’t think I believe in God anymore.”

From there, though, it slowly began to trickle out. At first I told only my close friends, only one of whom was still a Christian herself. She cried for me. And then, after the worst emotional and intellectual torture of my life thus far, I told my family.

I knew the struggle that was ahead of me as, one by one, I told the people I loved that I was an atheist. For a Christian, the battle for a soul never ends. There will never be peace for any of these people. It will always hang over them. They will always pray for me. They will want to discuss and debate with me, never with an interest in dialogue and understanding, but with an interest in converting me. It isn’t a pleasant fate to accept, but the imperative of Christianity (and most religions) is to convert others. Despite that reality, I made the decision that I couldn’t live a lie any longer.

In those months before I came out as an atheist, I literally scoured the internet for stories, blogs, support, anything to make me feel like I wasn’t completely alone. I was raised in a very small conservative Lutheran tradition and no matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t seem to find anyone else who had been a part of this faith and left it. I still went to church every Sunday — in fact, I was the organist. And I spent every service glancing at the pews around me and thinking, Does everyone here really believe this? Am I the only one who doesn’t?

I came out to my family six months ago now, but still haven’t been open about my atheism. I don’t talk about it with anyone I don’t know well. There are a lot of old friends and extended family who, until now, had no idea. And this week I went public with some writing of mine that says in no uncertain terms that I don’t believe in God.

So that’s it, it’s out there. I would be lying if I said that I don’t have a knot in my stomach at the thought. I still live in fear of earning the hatred of people I love. I have seen that venomous “Christian love” pointed at the “baby killers” and the “heathen liberals.” I know all too well what might be in store for me.

In the midst of all this, there has been one thought driving me: I don’t want anyone else to feel alone. In a world full of all shapes and sizes, every belief and opinion, I firmly believe that we can at the very least band together in our humanness. After all, at the end of the day we’re all just people.

I started out writing today about the recent birth control debates in the news, but somehow lost track of that thread and wound up here. I’m here with my simple belief that no person should ever be alone.

Maybe it’s a shot in the dark. But maybe there’s another twenty-something Midwestern former conservative Lutheran ex-homeschooler out there. Maybe they could never quite believe it either. Maybe late at night they’re doing internet searches to find someone else who has gone through the same thing. And maybe they will find this.

For anyone who has been hesitant to be open about their atheism, let me offer you my plea. There is someone else out there who is struggling with the very thing you are. The only way we can support one another as human beings is if we come clean about who we really are and what we really think. Believe me, I know very well the consequences. Be open and honest anyway, not for the sake of debate or conflict, but for the sake of human compassion.

Dear Richard,

I am an atheist secular humanist. I am also a physician in my last year of residency in a “Bible Belt” area and, while I have gotten a fantastic medical education, I have not found any good role models to help me address the myriad of difficulties surrounding being an atheist doctor. I suspect that some of my attending physicians also are atheist or agnostic, but it’s not something that many people discuss openly around here.

I often find myself in difficult situations at work when it comes to religion. I always try to respect the beliefs of my patients, but I struggle to find an appropriate response when they ask me to pray for them or ask me point blank, “Doc, do you believe in God?” Often I find myself blundering for a way to change the subject and dodge the question or let them think I share their beliefs without actually lying and saying that I do, but this feels dishonest. I also would like to “come out” and become more involved in the atheist community but I’m worried about how that might affect my career. My impression is that many patients would not want to be cared for by an atheist doctor.

I suspect that doctors, as scientists, tend to be more atheistic and agnostic than the general population, but it seems to be a taboo subject. Do you have any suggestions for resources or support groups for atheist doctors? It would help to have a professional community to which I could turn to for advice.

-Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

It’s a taboo subject probably for the same reason that you have succinctly described here: Depending on the setting and the circumstances, coming out as an atheist doctor can be hazardous to your career. Nurses who are atheists face this risk as well, not just from patients but also from their colleagues. Not everyone can enjoy the impunity and immunity of Dr. Gregory House.

Often your patients feel vulnerable and scared. They know you’re smart and well trained, but they also know you’re only human, so they hope you will be given a little extra help because you have a good buddy named God. Because you’re a person who wants to help people in their anguish as well as their illness, their neediness might cause you to feel inadequate to meet all their needs. Keep in mind that you can’t meet all their needs. Their car, their computer, their tax return, and their spiritual issues are the purview of other specialists.

I understand that it is distasteful to have to lie, or to be evasive, or to allow them to assume incorrect things about your beliefs, but these matters are not relevant to your practice of good medicine for them. You don’t have to tell them the truth about irrelevant things if it is going to hurt you. Give yourself permission to respond in whatever ways help you to keep helping them as a doctor.

You have to get along with them, so you probably can’t just say, “That’s none of your business.” You might try a technique that I’ve used as a counselor. I would turn any question that my clients had about me into a question about them. When your patient asks you to pray for them, say, “Are you feeling anxious or scared about any of this? Can I better explain to you what we’re going to do? Would you like me to ask the hospital chaplain to visit you?” This kind of response gives your patients three things: Firstly, it acknowledges and shows caring about their underlying feelings. Secondly, it offers them what you can do for them, such as explaining the medical issues clearly. Thirdly, it offers them a better qualified resource for their religious concerns.

If you’re cornered by a direct question about your belief in God, and if you neither want to lie or evade, you might try asking them why that is important to them. Listen carefully, and if it seems appropriate say something like this: “I focus all of my mind on giving you the best medical care I can. That’s all I do. I concentrate on nothing else.” That might or might not satisfy them, but it’s honest, and it’s the most polite way can think of to close down the topic.

You need to find some comrades and confidants in the medical field, either doctors or nurses. They will probably have much better suggestions than mine. Ideally, you could use a trusted atheist friend who is at roughly your level in the hospital hierarchy, and another one who is senior to you. Together, they can advise you about ways to deal with patients, and also about who in the hospital administration you need to be careful around.

The tricky part is how to discreetly find them. You may have to risk a little by feeling out someone who seems the least religious and the most discreet. I wish I had a better suggestion.

You’re correct that a higher percentage of scientists are atheists than the general population. The percentage may differ between disciplines. A study by the University of Chicago indicates that about 24% of medical physicians are atheists. That may be less than scientists in general, but it’s still more than the general population, and you only need one or two.

I found no current online support group specifically for atheist physicians. I found one blog called The Atheist Physician, but I don’t know if he will have anything to offer you. Read his first entry of Oct. 29, 2011, and contact him if it seems worth a try.

This column doesn’t just rely on my knowledge. There’s a large readership of very knowledgeable people, and they have helped letter writers many times. Perhaps there are some people reading this who know of resources for you.

Any medical professionals or anyone else out there who can offer some suggestions?

Kimberly, I know that residency is exhausting, and you are at the mercy of the whims of senior doctors and administrators. Once you gain more autonomy, hopefully you won’t have to be so circumspect about your views. Of course in the U.S., the particular region in which you live can make a big difference.

I wish I could think of more immediately helpful suggestions. Sometimes just like doctors, I can only offer meager assistance and hope for the best.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I have a complicated issue and I was hoping that you could offer some insight so I can make an informed decision. I am an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I don’t want to be atheist. I turned towards atheism several months ago, but before that I had some personal spiritual beliefs I’ve been believing for some time now. Ever since I began exploring atheism, I’ve become really depressed about letting go of my old beliefs. I didn’t follow any religion… I just had some beliefs of mine that were more of comfort beliefs than anything else, but they did make me feel better at times. After giving it some thought, I asked myself if I really needed to be atheist because I don’t really have any good reasons to become one. I am not fanatical about my personal spiritual beliefs, and I rarely share my feelings about them. If I became an atheist, it’d be just about the same. My main concern however is that I just feel awful since moving towards atheism. Is it okay for me to have my own, personal spiritual beliefs if they’re helping me in the end? Thanks.

—Benjamin

Dear Benjamin,

It’s okay for you to have whatever beliefs you have. There is neither a “need” for you to be an atheist, nor a “need” for you to be a theist or anything else. Follow whatever works for you and whatever is true for you. If your beliefs give you comfort and if they make sense for you, then keep them.

However, I think the conflict you’re having is that your beliefs give you comfort, but they no longer make sense for you.

Forgive me for analyzing you through your letter. I cannot know for certain without a careful back-and-forth interview with you, so I can only offer my initial impressions, which could be inaccurate.

As a former therapist, I must stop here to respond to your mention of “becoming really depressed.” Clinical depression, rather than sadness or grief can be very dangerous. If you think you are depressed, if you have feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of death, please talk to a doctor immediately. Your safety is paramount, beyond any other issue here. You deserve to be able to sort out your new views, your old beliefs, and to live a happy and satisfying life.

You haven’t detailed what your comforting spiritual beliefs are, but the ones I have most often heard described are those about an afterlife, those about something that gives a sense of order to what can seem like a chaotic universe, and those about something that will give guidance or protection in a daunting situation.

Whatever they may be, you sound like you don’t actually believe your beliefs; you’re just keeping them around as comforting thoughts. You talk about them as if they’re outside of you, and you’re looking at them in a detached way. You do not sound like you have a strong inner conviction that they’re correct and true. Comfort and reassurance are important and legitimate human needs, but the comfort and reassurance of a belief vanish when one realizes that it is not true. It becomes only a wished-for memory. Then those needs have to be fulfilled in new ways.

You say you’re an “on-the-fence” atheist, but I think your ambivalence is not between disbelieving and believing. I think it’s between disbelieving and wishing you still believed.

I think the fence that you’re sitting on is a difficult place of transition that many atheists reading your letter will recognize from their own experience. Very often there is a lag time between a person’s intellectual realization that they no longer believe in something, and their emotional acceptance that it is gone. People often experience this stage of conflict between their head and their heart as feelings of grief, regret, and loss. What you are describing sounds like this. The mourning period can last for weeks, months, or less often for years, but most people pass through it and emerge resolved and more comfortable on the far side.

I think the best way to progress through this process is to talk about it frequently with trusted friends who have been through it themselves. There’s nothing specific that I can point to in your letter, but I get a vague inkling that you are wrestling with this struggle all by yourself. If that is correct, I urge you to reach out and find people with similar views. You’ll immediately discover the relief that comes from knowing that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels whatever you do, and you’ll probably find very practical suggestions as well as encouragement and companionship. You’ll find that this is a good new source for the comfort and reassurance that the old beliefs used to give you.

There’s a chance that my analysis is not correct. If you are not going through the grief period, if whatever are your personal spiritual beliefs help you as you say they do, if they give you comfort and they make sense for you, then as I said at the beginning, keep them.

Do you “need” to be an atheist? No. You need only to be true to yourself. True to your mind, and true to your heart. Completely, thoroughly, courageously true.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I have been a fence sitter for a long time. It’s only been this last year that I came to terms with my disbelief. Saying I’m an atheist hasn’t been easy. Most people still don’t know. The subject doesn’t come up. Which I guess I’m fortunate in that respect. I am not outspoken or any sort of activist. But here’s the problem: my boyfriend of 3 years says he’s agnostic. He doesn’t like the idea of “hardcore atheists” (whatever that means). He pokes fun at me when religion comes up. Like when we watch a movie where people are praying or talking about god or when we are with his family and they pray before a meal he’ll stare at me to see if I have a reaction.

I’ve recently been trying to get into touch with any atheist organizations in my area. One is about an hour away. He jokingly said we should go and hold signs up saying we believe in god. (I can’t make it to the meet-up this time) I am at a loss on how to make him understand. I don’t know if he just doesn’t take my views seriously, or he’s hoping he doesn’t have to. Thanks for “listening”.

Megan

Dear Megan,

I think that your either/or assessment of your boyfriend is correct in both ways: He doesn’t take your views seriously, and he is hoping he doesn’t have to.

Something you should also assess is the strength of your self-esteem. You need to be able to say with conviction to yourself and others, “I deserve to be taken seriously, and I deserve a boyfriend who takes me seriously. I will not be discounted, dismissed or disrespected just to have a boyfriend or any other relationship.” If you’re already at that place, good. If not yet, then you should work to improve your sense of self-worth first.

Your decision about your disbelief is very new, and it came after considerable difficulty, so it is understandable that you don’t feel confident about it yet. There is often an emotional disquiet that lingers for a while after one reaches an intellectual conclusion of atheism. You need time and a safe person with whom you can share your views, understand them better, and become more comfortable discussing them. Your boyfriend might not be the best person for this task. Definitely go to the meet-up you found, and any other opportunity to meet atheists, but consider going there without him for the time being.

Once your confidence in your self-worth and your confidence about your views are stronger, you and he need to sit down and have a few serious talks.

It appears that he is not at all comfortable with what he thinks is your position. I say “what he thinks” because he might have misconceptions and inaccurate assumptions. Teasing, joking, and poking fun may be his indirect way of relieving his own tension about this topic, and his way to avoid confronting it directly. He is a little passive-aggressive about it. Passive-aggressive methods are usually very annoying to people. You will need to assertively demand that he stop such behaviors, and be direct, frank and respectful with you. Do your best to make it safe for him to be straight forward, and at the same time make it clear that you expect the same courtesy of safety from him.

Working together, the two of you should clarify exactly what he means by “hardcore atheist,” so both of you know if you actually fit whatever that means to him. During religious scenes in a movie or while others are saying grace at the table, his pointedly staring at you is rhetorical. He’s expressing something. Clarify exactly what he is saying by his stares, and tell him how you feel when he does that.

Clarify also what he means when he says he’s agnostic. He might mean the narrow definition that the existence of gods as described by believers is not knowable. He might mean the more common “Switzerland” stance of “Maybe yes, maybe no, I’m staying neutral.” He might reveal something entirely different, such as, “Actually, I do believe, but I said I’m agnostic because I didn’t want to fight with you about it.” Who knows what might be behind this discomfort he seems to have?

The point is, you need to know. He was your boyfriend for two years before you became more decided about your atheism, so he might have conflicting feelings about this change. Because differences in religious views can be extremely divisive, all these things should be out in the open, or misconceptions, assumptions, and resentments will drive a wedge between you.

Megan, I think that if you take this challenge as an opportunity for the two of you to grow and mature, as well as to practice better communication skills, your relationship will be healthier, more satisfying, and more beneficial for both of you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

My high school has recently been shocked by the suicide of one of my fellow students. Though I did not know him extremely well, I knew that he was an atheist like myself. This has not only made me wish I had known him better, but since his death I have taken a keen interest over his Facebook page, which has exploded with prayers and blessings in the past week despite his religious stance being clear to anyone viewing the page. My worst fear was that people would see this and blame his depression on being an atheist.

However, something else has been troubling me. A week after his death, the boy’s parents, who have been moderating the page, have changed his public religious view to Christian (and his political view to conservative to boot). I understand that his parents must be in outstanding grief, and as Christians they must hope that their son is in a better place. But I feel that arbitrarily changing their son’s views does dishonor to his memory and breeches his privacy, especially after already having posted the boy’s suicide letter publicly. It’s hard to justify why I am so offended by this — as an atheist I obviously don’t believe this boy is shaking his fist angrily from the heavens or rolling in his grave. But I know that if I was in his place and could somehow look down on the proceedings, I would be extremely hurt that my family edited my strongly held positions for the public to view.

I know that it would probably be inappropriate to make any kind of comment on his Facebook page concerning the matter in such sensitive circumstances. But is my opinion on this matter completely unfounded? How would you feel in this situation and is there any way I can show my support for my late classmate as a fellow atheist without coming off as particularly offensive to my primarily Christian school and the boy’s Christian family?

Thank you,
Nicole

Dear Nicole,

I think your opinion is well founded, and if I were in your place, I would share your feelings of indignation and a sense of wrongness about it, but what you should do about your opinion and feelings is a separate matter.

When deciding your response to situations like these, one important guideline is to consider how much harm will be done to how many people, and how much good will be done to how many people by whatever actions you take. Then you must assess who are the most vulnerable for harm, and who are the most likely to be helped.

The parents and family are in extreme pain, much more than what one expects from uncomplicated grief. The grief that parents experience from the death of their child by disease or unavoidable accident is horrendous enough. If their child was murdered, then anger at the killer is added to their grief. In the case of suicide, the killer and the victim are one in the same. The family often has anger conflicting with their love and grief, and so their feelings are mixed and inflamed, and sometimes spiral into an extremely agonizing and confusing mess.

With suicides, the family and loved ones often fall into self-recrimination, thinking that they could have and should have seen warning signs, or somehow they should have been better parents, better siblings, or better friends for the deceased. They can unfairly and unreasonably conclude that the death is somehow partly or even entirely their fault. So guilt is often added to that already awful soup of unbearable emotions.

At the effect of so much heartache, people will make controversial decisions that some will accept and others will find objectionable.

We cannot know for certain, but perhaps it is unfair to assume that the family’s motives for changing his profile to Christian were selfish or were only about saving face. It could be that comments have been left on the site that reacted to his public disbelief, and were negative, disapproving, condemning or condescending, (as living atheists so often have to endure) and the family has been removing them. In light of their pain described above, it would be understandable if they wanted to spare themselves and other family members such insensitive and even cruel treatment.

Does this fail to honor his memory as the real person he was? In the strictest sense yes, but I think his family’s experience of him involved far more than his atheism. They will remember him in all the ways they need to remember him. Almost all of us do that with those we have lost.

As you indicated in your letter, you and I share the reflex to show compassion for those who are in pain, and let them have their small comforts and self-protections, especially when announcing the uncomfortable truth would only serve to vent our own indignation.

But leaving the family alone still leaves you with your unsatisfied and unresolved feelings, which is really what I think you wanted to sort out.

You spoke of how hurt you would feel if your own family were to erase your atheism or other strongly held views from whatever memorialized you. You would want to be represented and remembered accurately, with as much honesty and realism as you tried to practice in your life.

Your letter doesn’t indicate whether you have shared your atheism with your family, or whether doing so would open up serious problems. For people of high school age, coming out to their family can often be a very difficult and even risky proposition, so think that over very carefully. If you haven’t yet, then whenever the time is right, getting clear with them on the matter of your beliefs will better ensure that they will understand how you want to be represented both in life and in the unlikely event of your death.

Another thing you might do would first require you to decide whether or not you are comfortable revealing your own atheism in a high school that you describe as “primarily Christian.” If you are comfortable with that, you might consider talking about the boy with your friends and with his friends at school. Discreetly discussing what you knew about his atheism would be a way to assure that those who mattered to him will remember this aspect of him accurately.

Nicole, I hope that you and everyone you have mentioned in this sad story are able to heal from their various degrees of hurt and grief, and that none of you are ever touched again by such a tragedy. Live your life fully in these ways: gratefully, respectfully, meaningfully, thoughtfully, and truthfully, and encourage everyone you know to do the same.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

Thank you for being there (in “The Friendly Atheist”) when I finally realized I was grieving the loss of my faith. After a lifetime of service to the Presbyterian Church, including three years in seminary and seven years in pastoral ministry, it left me completely three years ago, at the conclusion of a difficult interim position. I’m 64 years old. My husband, also clergy, never took anything in scripture literally and often ridiculed my beliefs. Now I find myself even farther out than he is. I also did a Master’s in existential philosophy (before seminary) and see no point in mental gymnastics. I watched my dad, a great and learned man, lose his mind during the years before his actual death. Nothing lasts, why strive? You advocate something called “secular humanism.” I always saw that as the enemy of Christianity so I know nothing. What’s it about and what’s good in it? Ayn Rand is about the extent of my knowledge and I found her horribly egotistical. I’m sad except when I’m with my granddaughter and the three or four women I volunteer with. I’m not suicidal, although I don’t see any grand purpose in life or living.

Sincerely,
Barbara

P.S. I just occurred to me that for the first time I’m grateful for (instead of angry about) the secularization of Christmas so I can still enjoy the gifting and decorating.

Dear Barbara,

I think you’re still in the midst of your grieving. The greater the importance that a cherished person, thing or commitment has for us, the greater the grief we suffer when it passes away from us. Grief can last quite a while, and it fades away gradually. Your commitment was enormous, and so I’m not surprised if after three years you are still mourning.

What you are describing also sounds a little like depression, which sometimes accompanies grief, but which can settle in and become chronic, remaining even after the grief is over. I’m glad that you reassure us that you’re not suicidal, but it also might be good for you to run through the main items on the depression checklist. While grief for any kind of loss can have many of the traits here, they generally taper off over time. For depression, look for a pattern of persistence or even increase over time:

• Feeling daily sad, empty, purposeless, worthless, helpless, hopeless, or inappropriately guilty.
• Irritability, impatience, anxiety.
• Loss of interest in friends, family, hobbies, pleasurable things.
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering things, or making decisions.
• Changes in appetite, significant weight loss not from dieting, or weight gain.
• Loss of energy, fatigue, moving very slowly.
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping.
• Unexplained physical symptoms, such as headaches, stomach aches, body pains.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die.

If you have any of these to a significant level, or if you have some of these to a moderate level, I think you should consult a doctor or counselor or both. If you decide that therapy would be helpful, be certain that it is not pastoral counseling in any form. Regular, secular, psychology-based counseling would be the best choice for you.

Aside from that issue, It sounds like your loss of faith also resulted in a loss of things for you to do. The timing of this in your sixties, when not only are you adjusting to changes in your body, you’re also adjusting to changes in roles that you and society might expect of you. This could be adding to your sense of being adrift and directionless.

Seeking a direction, you asked about humanism. Descriptions and definitions differ, but I think that you can get a good understanding from the material on the American Humanist Association website. Read all of the essays on that page, not just the Humanist Manifesto III. For someone with a Master’s in existential philosophy, these should be easy reading. Ayn Rand is probably not the best representative of what humanism can be. Here I ask our very learned Friendly Atheist readers out there for their recommendations for further reading on humanism.

My friends, your suggestions, please?

You need some peers, some people who understand what you are going through because they have been there too. The internet is a wonderful tool for this, and a few online atheist friends who can recognize exactly what you share are very important. Again, I ask our readers if they know of good sources for former clergy to find each other. Finally, former clergy or not, having at least one trusted atheist friend with whom you can meet face to face is invaluable. Keep looking, don’t give up.

I don’t pretend to understand much about existentialism, but I do remember that Jean-Paul Sartre said, “Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself.”

You can choose your own purpose, invent whatever meaning you wish for your life, cast yourself in whatever role you please. You don’t have to passively receive it from above, from outside of you. It’s deeply and wonderfully all yours. Judging from your letter, I think your role will have much to do with helping other people.

You asked, “Nothing lasts, so why strive?” I reply, “Yes, nothing lasts, so strive!” Make the most of this limited time. Don’t live inconsequentially, have an effect! Leave the world a little better because you were here. It might not be a grand and famous difference you’ll make in the world as a whole, but it can be grand and famous in the lives of those people who are lucky enough to know you.

You’re already on the right track by spending time being happy with your granddaughter and the three or four women with whom you volunteer. Ah, volunteering. You’re already practicing an important expression of humanism. You’ll find from your reading and your own experience that other human beings are both the essence and the embodiment of humanism, the essence and embodiment of your own humanity. Expand your love, your caring, your willingness, your interaction, your positive effect on others, and you expand your own life.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I live in the heart of the Bible belt and have recently come out about my lack of beliefs. It has been quite the shock for my Christian family, friends and co-workers. Thankfully my co-workers have been the least judgmental of all. My question is how to handle the religious talk that still permeates my office. My boss and co-workers have daily office devotionals which thankfully I am no longer pressured to attend.

However, they still wish to discuss Christian Theology with me as if I were still “a part of the fold.” It’s an awkward situation for me. I obviously have differing opinions and views. I don’t want to hurt their feelings yet I feel compelled to stand up for my own beliefs or should I say lack thereof. How does one discuss the “merits” of the Bible when they no longer believe? Help!

Sincerely,
Robin

Dear Robin,

I think you should make three assessments.

The first is to carefully and realistically assess the security of your employment in this company. Unless you are essential and irreplaceable, you might eventually be at risk for being socially or professionally pressured to leave.

I have received many dozens of letters from people in the Bible belt who have faced systematic ostracization at work because it became known that they are the religious outsider. Granted, that is not a scientific survey of the work environment in that region, but it certainly is an extensive collection of cautionary tales.

In your case, when the novelty of repartee with the resident atheist wears off, when you have with utmost politeness poked holes in all of their fallacious arguments, when they have retreated to their last refuge of “Well, you just have to have faith,” and they know exactly why that sounds lame to you, when it has become clear that you will never be seduced back into the flock, then they might start to get petulant, peevish, and pugnacious.

So far, your boss and co-workers seem to be handling your atheism maturely and fairly. For a company that has as much formalized religiosity as you have described, I find that quite remarkable.

I hope it lasts, but be prepared if it doesn’t.

The second thing to assess is what is their purpose for continuing to include you in these theological discussions when you no longer participate in the “daily devotionals.” You can do this by quietly observing, or by subtly probing, or by frankly asking. It all depends on what approaches you have found work in that environment.

Is their purpose to stimulate more incisive and interesting dialogue because of your contrary viewpoint? Is it an attempt to bring you back into the fold? Is it to taunt or goad you? Is it simply because you are there in the room when they talk? Or what?

The third thing to assess is what is your purpose for doing this. Do you simply enjoy practicing the art of argumentation? Is your goal to promote clear mutual understanding of your views and their views? Are you representing atheists and atheism as a movement beyond yourself as an individual? Perhaps you’re hoping to persuade them to adopt your views? Could it involve defending your position in the social structure of the office? Do you want to make it clear that although you are the outsider in this issue, you have value to offer socially in other ways? Are you letting them know you won’t be cowed or bullied? Or what?

To be clear, I am not implying that there are any “shoulds” in these questions, as if you should have this motive and should not have that motive. You have the right to follow whatever reasons are yours. You “owe” it to no one else to have any of these purposes. The point is to be very clear to yourself what you want from this situation.

From those three assessments I think you’ll have a better idea of what path to take, and how lightly or boldly to tread on that path. Keep reviewing your three appraisals, because they can change over time.

If you actively get into these discussions, be watchful for signs of common snags. They can include:

• Equating one’s beliefs with one’s self. When a person’s belief is well challenged or refuted, they will sometimes feel personally threatened. Try to explain the difference between the two. You can completely disagree with their belief, but still hold them in high regard as persons. If someone overtly refuses to differentiate the two, essentially saying, “I am my beliefs, so attacking my beliefs is attacking me,” then there’s not much point in continuing the dialogue, and it’s probably best to avoid more with that person.

• Characterizing the other person’s viewpoint in an overly simplified manner even after the facets and nuances have been explained. “Oh, that’s right, you don’t believe in anything,” is a caricature of atheists I’ve often heard. It’s an attempt at dismissive superiority. Patiently re-clarify the complexities of your views. Don’t get suckered into losing your temper. That will be used to dismiss you further.

• Going for “winning” rather than understanding; going for conquest rather than conversation. These are not wrestling matches where one opponent must acknowledge complete defeat right there in front of everyone. You could watch or partake in hundreds of discussions about religion, and you’d probably never witness that. You might be able to plant seeds of doubt and seeds of careful thinking, but if they sprout, it will most likely be much later, in private, when people are not in their “combat mode.”

• Talking too long. Try to keep these conversations brief. It’s a workplace, after all. Fatigue and frustration from a long dispute can begin to strain the genial feelings, and the primary purpose for everyone being in that building is to get the work done, whatever it is. To do that successfully, you all have to get along. Try to get that awareness overtly agreed upon.

If you see such snags being done by others, first be certain you’re not also doing them yourself. Then you can step out of the content, the subject of the conversation, and make a brief comment in a patient, respectful tone about the underlying dynamic that you think you’re seeing. Then return to talking about the subject, trying to steer it out of that snag.

Strategically, they have an advantage and you have an advantage. Their advantage is that they outnumber you. One of them can be thinking up a challenge while you’re fielding another’s. As good as you might be at argumentation, you have limits to your endurance. It’s perfectly okay to make a frank comment about that, and call a recess. Nobody expects you to be a 10th dan Aikido master who can take on fifteen opponents at once.

Your advantage is that they are most likely going to be the ones making the assertions and claims about the Bible and their beliefs. So the burden for supporting their claims is on them. They have to do the work. You are simply unconvinced because you need evidence, and you politely ask for it. Sit comfortably and enjoy watching them work, but don’t smirk. Adopt a stance of good-natured and sincere curiosity in their ideas. Stay relaxed, cheerful, jovial, and congenial.

The risk for you will come if you are good at this. Any hint of smugness or conceit on your part will turn the whole thing sour. That would not be good. If this were a chat between strangers in a coffee house, one could simply get up and leave. You don’t have that option here.

You have an unusual opportunity to at least dispel myths and misconceptions about atheists, and possibly introduce elements of critical thinking to a few people. Keep your wits about you, and make your moves carefully. I hope it goes well for you.

Richard

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Hi Richard,

Sincere thanks,
Passionate Professor

Dear Passionate Professor,

Always keep your passion. That’s so precious in a teacher. But you can focus your passion on the thinking skills you’re teaching rather than the thoughts your students are thinking. They will have their whole lives to rethink their thoughts if you have given them the skills. Guide your passion with patience and a willingness to not see the long term results of your work. Humdrum teachers help students learn what the teachers want them to learn. Excellent teachers help students learn how to learn and especially how to unlearn by questioning their old ideas.

They’re young. Most of them will keep their childhood-trained opinions for a few more years, but if you have successfully planted the seeds of critical thinking, those opinions will dissolve if they cannot hold up to inner scrutiny. That might very well happen after they have moved on, so you might never know about it. You have to be satisfied with being good at planting seeds and not necessarily seeing the trees that grow.

I’m very familiar with the Central Valley, having earned my BA at CSU Stanislaus. Sometimes the level of reactionary religiosity in the area could rival the deep South. That was a couple of sedimentary layers ago, but it hasn’t changed very much.

In a junior college, the faculty tends to be less insulated from the local populace and their culture than in a university, and that can be a good thing, but they’re also less protected from harassment and pressure from any locals who might be offended by what they teach. So when you consider self-disclosure about your unbelief and what labels you will use, always practice prudence first. Assess the security of your professional and social positions, so that you don’t become just another awful story about discrimination against an atheist. If you’re fired, you won’t be teaching critical thinking to anyone.

If you want to avoid getting on a soap box, be Socrates. When a passionate speech wants to bubble up, take a couple of deep, slow breaths to calm yourself. Then instead of a speech, ask questions that force the students to reexamine their presumptions. Don’t ask rhetorical questions; they’ll see right through those, but incisive, sharp-edged ones that sit there in their minds making them just a little uncomfortable. Keep a poker face, in both your expression and your tone. If you can maintain a neutral demeanor, then their struggle will be between two opposing ideas in their heads rather than a struggle between them and you.

Challenges from religious students are usually invitations to step into a trap where you work hard and they sit back and gloat. Don’t fall for that. When one asks you for your viewpoint, say something like, “This college is for you to examine, question, challenge, change, and mature your own views. Mine are not important.” Always turn it back on the challenger to justify their claim, rather than you working hard to refute their claim. When they present what they think is a polished and irrefutable argument, play the part of being innocently puzzled about those one or two little presumptions that they glossed over. Gently let them know that if they finish with a shrug of their shoulders, they have cheated themselves, not you.

As a psychology professor, you’re probably familiar with basic counseling techniques, and some could be useful in an analogous way in your teaching. As a counselor, I always made sure that my clients did most of the work to find the solutions to their problems. They’d initially come to me hoping that I’d just hand them a solution, but that would not serve them well in the long term. Instead, I kept turning it back to them, encouraging them that they do have problem-solving abilities, they just need to practice. So they’d struggle, and guess, and take a risk, and stumble, and then start to get some small gains. All the while, I would gently challenge their negative assumptions, and cheer them for their new positive considerations, and eventually congratulate them for the success that was entirely theirs, not mine. That’s the kind of setting aside of your ego that I think will help you to be more effective as an agent of learning the skills of learning, and the courage of unlearning.

I have one suggestion for illustrating the injustice of bigotry against atheists. Find a true account of an incident of egregious bigotry and mistreatment of an atheist at the hands of religious people. Rewrite the whole thing to omit all references to his atheism, and say “They did this to him because of his religion,” or phrases like that. Leave the basic facts of the case the same, but when you read this account to them, let the students assume that the victim was a Christian or a Jew. After several students talk about the unfairness and injustice of the bigots’ behaviors, reveal that the victim was actually an atheist.

Tell them that you had rewritten the story to help them see how the principles that they were championing about fairness, justice, and freedom must apply to everyone or they mean nothing to anyone. We are all free or none of us are free. Some students will “get it” immediately, others will try to rationalize that atheists somehow don’t qualify for the protections they were previously advocating, but some of that group will have had the seed of rethinking their own prejudices planted in their minds. Then all you can do is to hope those seeds will someday sprout.

I wish you good results in your experiments. I think your students are very lucky because you are so conscientious about your ethics as a teacher, but you still have the fire of your personal convictions. I hope that is a constant dynamic balancing act for you for your entire career. It will tire you sometimes, but it will be a great benefit for your students.

Richard

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I grew up in a family heavily influenced by the Quiverfull movement, which holds that parents should have large numbers of children in order to raise up an army for Christ. I have twelve younger siblings and was homeschooled for religious reasons. My parents made their fundamentalist evangelical faith the core of their existence, and it colors how they see the world and everything around them. While they know I left their specific beliefs during college (and boy were they unhappy about it!), they think I am still a Christian and do not know that I no longer believe in God. I am afraid that if they know that I am an atheist they will cut off contact between me and my younger siblings, most of whom are still under age, which they considered doing back when I first questioned their beliefs. I also have a young daughter of my own now, and I want her to grow up knowing her grandparents, but I also want to be true to myself. What should I do?

Caught in the Middle

Dear Caught in the Middle,

You already are “true to yourself,” even if you are not being fully self-revealing to your highly intolerant parents. Being true to yourself takes place within your own mind. Many people live in circumstances that make it difficult or even dangerous for them to openly express their own thoughts. They are still true to themselves as long as they keep coming to their own conclusions. Although they are pressured to conform outwardly, they don’t give in to conforming inwardly.

They often feel very frustrated because they have to hide their opinions and pretend to concur with people surrounding them, but within themselves, they are still far more free than those who have never diligently questioned their inherited beliefs, assumptions and prejudices.

So as you carefully weigh the possible benefits and drawbacks of being more open about your atheism, keep in mind that “being true to yourself” is not what is at stake. You have been true to yourself since college. That is not diminished just because others assume something about you that is not true.

From the situation that you have described, the benefits and drawbacks of revealing your complete disbelief seem to be very uneven.

The benefits include that you will no longer feel stifled and frustrated by having to pretend, and you may be giving some of your siblings permission to question their own indoctrination, or even to express their doubts and disbelief if they have them. In such a large brood, there are bound to be at least a couple of skeptical types. You might be able to form quiet alliances with those who are the doubters, and give them some support.

The drawbacks, however, give one pause.

Since your parents considered cutting off all contact between you and your siblings just for leaving their specific belief sub-set, then it is quite possible they will follow through with that if they learn that you have completely abandoned their core belief. Without easy contact with your bothers and sisters, it will be easier for your parents to prejudice them against you.

Your parents might increase their scrutiny of your siblings, and make their indoctrination more heavy-handed. If they blame college for your atheism, they might only agree to help your siblings go to selected religious colleges, or they might refuse to help them attend any college. If your parents overreact in these or other ways, some of your siblings might resent them, and some might resent you.

The adage, “The truth will out.” is also an important thing to consider. Even if you decide to remain quiet about your atheism, it’s possible that it will be revealed inadvertently. For instance, as your daughter gets older, your parents will expect to see you taking her to church, and doing things they expect for her religious upbringing. Their questioning, insisting, and pressuring could increase until your cover-up collapses.

So you should prepare for that ahead of time. One thing you might risk is to cautiously approach one of your siblings who might be the most accepting of your disbelief, and who will be discreet. Even if he or she is not also an atheist, having an ally on the inside will help you to keep channels of communication open with your other siblings in case your parents forbid contact. Of course such an alliance will increase the risk of eventually being “outed,” but in the long run that is probably inevitable anyway.

There is one more thing that I hope you never have to use, but you do have bargaining power. Your parents want to see their granddaughter. Cutting off contact can work in two directions. If they prohibit your contact with your siblings, you can prohibit their contact with your daughter.

To be clear, I am not recommending this. It would be painful for everyone. It would be an awful and rather vindictive tactic to employ, but you could ask your parents how they would feel about it as an illustration of how cruel and destructive it is to forbid family members from freely being together.

The main point of anything you do should be to keep communications open as best you can with everyone in the family. That way, if and when and however your atheism is revealed, everyone can continue talking and gradually see that the atheist in the family is neither evil nor dangerous. Enforced silence affords no chance for better understanding and reconciliation. Even if there is heated quarreling, although it is unpleasant, it is still communication.

If you use patience and remain calm, you can gradually coax even an angry and afraid person down from their aggressive/defensive stance. You can do this in two ways: 1. Make it very clear that you are not trying to change their beliefs about gods; you are only trying to show that you are no threat to them. 2. Always play the part of the rational, reasonable grown-up in the room. Losing your temper, or resorting to any emotionally manipulative tactics that someone else might be trying will discredit you, cause the discussion to degenerate, and will be counter-productive.

If doors get slammed between you and your parents or siblings, do not be the one who did the slamming. Do not completely give up. Keep at least your side of the door unlocked. Making it clear that you will remain approachable gives others the ability to reach out again after their emotions have settled down.

I hope that you and everyone in your family, including your parents can find ways to keep love flowing freely, even through times of change and challenge.

Richard

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Dear Richard,

I’m not sure how to start my letter but I suppose a little background might help. My parents are Pentecostals and they tried to raise me as such. I’m one of three siblings and all three of us ended up in the Baptist church by the time we were in high school. You see, I live in Florida and the Baptist church is VERY prevalent here. We were all extremely devout (read brainwashed). I ended up in the Plymouth Brethren Church (a small sect which Dawkins described as particularly odious in his book The God Delusion). About three years ago I started having doubts which led me to leave the faith altogether. I’ve always had a love of science and logic, and it was only a matter of time before I educated myself through books by Carl Sagan and realized that there was no evidence for god’s existence and became an atheist.

Sincerely,
Former Thumper

Dear Former,

For several years I have been faced with a similar situation at holiday family feasts. If my brother, who is a Christian, is present, he leads the family in a short prayer at the dining table. We all hold hands, but when everyone bows their heads, my daughter and I do not. She and I quietly look straight ahead until the brief ritual is over.

This is because gestures and rituals have different meanings and significance for different people. For my daughter and me, holding hands only signifies being part of and supporting the family, but bowing our heads would mean that we’re participating in the prayer. So we participate in the part of the custom with which we agree, family togetherness, and we refrain from the part with which we do not agree, the invocation of a deity. For us, our principles have not been compromised. No one else seems to pay any attention. Besides, the rest of them are all bowing their heads so they can’t see. In my family no one, including my brother, is very strongly religious, so the situation is pretty easy for us.

However for other people who have arrived at their emancipation through a painful struggle, and who have suffered conflicts with loved ones, customs such as holding hands, bowing heads, setting up nativity scenes or decorating a tree might hold much more emotional power, and so they don’t want to do anything that others might think is giving in or returning to the religion they escaped.

But worrying about what others might think is another thing that is wonderful to escape. What is important in matters like this is what you think.

For instance, when your brother urged you to hold hands at the table, in his mind that might have meant that you would be capitulating to the religious ritual, or it might have only meant that you still have a place in the family. Whatever he thinks does not make reality for you. If it’s not capitulation to you, then it’s not capitulation at all. You’re not sure what’s in his mind, and it could take quite a lot of effort to find out. Being overly concerned about what is in other people’s minds can drive you out of your own mind.

You can decide for yourself what any part of a family custom means, and participate or refrain accordingly. I think what you should do is to sort out what each gesture in your family rituals means to you, regardless of what others might assume it means to you, or what they might assume it means in general. You can by your own volition change your mind about the meaning of each of those things, because you are looking at them from your new point of view.

So if to you, holding hands while others pray only signifies being part of the family, and you’re comfortable expressing that, then hold hands. If to you it means that you’re participating in the prayer, then don’t hold hands. You can tell them ahead of time that you’re just not comfortable doing that. Further explanation is not necessary. The same thing goes for bowing your head, or any other gesture, ritual or task.

Once in a while at Christmas, my mother asks me to help set up a little nativity scene she has more for traditional reasons than religious reasons. I do it because her hands are arthritic, and it’s difficult for her. They’re just little figurines with no significance to me, and so I’m unconcerned about what others might think if they see me doing that.

Religious places and ceremonies no longer hold any magic for you, so in time they can lose their emotional charge if you let it go. Then you can choose to do or not do them with ease. Your principles are not compromised by such trifles. Your principles are about treating people with compassion, respect, truthfulness, fairness, generosity, and love.

Despite the tension and negativity that your family has experienced around your atheism, you are still gathering as a family. That is precious, and sadly not as common as it should be. Cherish that, and nurture that. Make your boundaries clear where you must, and avoid discussing some topics if you must, but the main thing is to continue to focus on the love that is there.

I hope that you enjoy your family during the coming holidays. Remember that to “enjoy” something means to put joy into it, rather than to get joy out of it.

Richard

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