Ask Richard: Should My 11-Year-Old Come Out to My Ex-Husband?

April 23, 2012 By richard wade 20 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Richard,

My 11-year-old son, Max, has asked me for advice, and I’m turning to you because I don’t know what to tell him. First a little background – I was raised in a very religious home and married his father when I was 18. We divorced a year after my son was born, and we have both since remarried. My ex and I still get along quite well and are on friendly terms. Even the fact that he is still very religious and I am very much not hasn’t been a major issue, although I feel that may not always be the case, especially after the conversation I had with Max this past weekend.

Max informed me that he doesn’t see any reason to believe in a god, as he doesn’t see any proof for one. This is, obviously, contrary to what his father believes, and that’s where he wanted the advice. Now, normally he’s with me on the weekends, but the few he spends with his father they go to church. Also, Max’s dad will ask him to pray at meal and bedtimes, and Max wants to know what he should do about that. He flat out told me that he’s scared to tell his dad what he thinks, as he’s afraid his father will be mad and/or sad about it. I’m at a total loss as to what to tell my son.

On the one hand I would like for my son to be able to be totally honest with his father. I don’t like the idea that he would try to keep something like this a secret, or that he would feel like he has to hide what he believes. At the same time, I worry that my ex-husband (along with my ex father-in-law), would attack my son’s beliefs. I fear that anything they would try to do to “save” him could be damaging. Max is very sensitive, and I don’t like thinking of him going through the things I went through when I came out as an atheist to my family – and I was an adult and no longer under their control at the time, so I know it was easier for me than it would be for Max.

I don’t know what to do. Do I encourage my son to remain closeted with his beliefs until he’s a little older and better able to deal with his father’s disappointment? Do I encourage him to talk it over with his dad, to get everything out in the open? Is this something I should try to get involved with as well, perhaps trying to set up a time for the 3 of us to meet on some sort of neutral grounds, in an attempt to be some sort of advocate for my son? I want to protect him the best I can, but I don’t know what will ultimately be best for him in the end.

Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Parents cannot have all the answers for their children, and when they don’t have an answer, it’s okay to honestly tell them so.

Eleven years old is pretty young to have to deal with this issue, but it happens when it happens, and it seems to be happening earlier with succeeding generations. Max has brought his dilemma to you because he doesn’t see an obvious easy solution. The difficulty he’s facing is painfully familiar to you, and you don’t see an obvious easy solution either. So you have in turn brought the dilemma to me.

I’m afraid that I don’t see an obvious easy solution either.

So I’m going to bring the dilemma back to Max. In terms he can understand, talk with him about all the things I’ll describe here. Most importantly, listen to him carefully, and do your best to make it easy for him to talk to you. It sounds like you’re already good at that. When you don’t know what to suggest, honestly say that. The two of you putting your heads together for a shared challenge will build a stronger bond, even if neither of you are coming up with immediate solutions. In the end, it’s that bond of caring and acceptance that he will need the most, rather than any particular strategy.

Children of divorced parents walk a narrow line, trying to follow their natural loyalties for both of their parents. When disagreements or conflicts arise between the ex-spouses, the children can sometimes become a rope in a tug-of-war between them, or worse, the children can be used as a weapon by one or both parents against the other. If the kids cannot freely talk to at least one parent about this bind they are in, they are forced to hedge, evade, and pretend. They can secretly feel guilty for being disloyal in some degree to both parents. They often learn to conceal their feelings from others in general, which can later make it tough to have close relationships. Eventually they conceal their feelings from themselves, which is not healthy.

Fortunately for Max, you and your ex-husband are on friendly terms so far, but nothing is as deeply divisive and unpredictably contentious as religion. It might be resolved amicably, or it might not.

Max needs to be able to openly express to at least one of you his conflicting loyalties, and know that he is still loved and accepted by the parent whom he tells. He already has that foundation with you. Whether or not his father is capable of that level of wisdom and maturity remains to be seen. The test will be when the truth comes out about Max’s belief, and it will come out sooner or later. Exactly how that happens might not be as important as when it happens.

Both you and Max are torn between the desire to be truthful and what both of you anticipate might be the consequences for telling the truth. Max is worried about his father’s anger at him, but he’s also worried about his father’s sadness. For many kids, having a parent be disappointed in them is worse than having a parent be angry at them.

Truthfulness is very important, but people should not follow the principle of truthfulness mechanically, without regard to other principles, including their right to protect themselves. Telling the truth exists within the context of the relationship between the teller and the listener. If the listener is not capable of responding to the truth in a way that honors the teller and the telling, then it may be better to withhold the truth until the relationship changes. The teller might need to become less vulnerable, and the listener might need to become more receptive.

Describe for Max what your experience of your own coming out to your family has taught you, and what your experience of your ex-husband has taught you. Let him know that you will love him and support him in whatever decision he makes about how to handle the situation. Let him know that he can take is time; there is no need to rush into a decision.

You are not being derelict in your moral teaching by letting him make the decision and letting him make it in his own time. You’re helping him to see that in life there are often no easy, clean solutions, and sometimes he must choose the least messy solution for the time being. By your example, you’re also teaching him to have compassion for others who are facing difficult dilemmas.

Whatever you do for Max should be with his agreement. He might want to leave it alone for now, and put up with praying and going to church. He might want you to be present at a three-way discussion with his father about these issues, as you suggested. He might prefer that you speak privately with his father about it first, and then let them talk it out.

Hopefully, whenever the time comes, his father will show himself to be mature, compassionate, patient, and above all, loving. But regardless of his father’s response, Max will have learned those qualities by working with you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Atheist Parenting, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 20 Comments

I See What You Did There…

April 19, 2012 By Hemant Mehta 10 Comments

Blogger Mitchell just came out as an atheist:

There, my secret is out. I am an atheist, and I have been since the first time I read the bible, cover to cover, after I was given my own copy in Sunday school. I’m a skeptic by nature (not to be confused with a cynic), and the book just didn’t provide me with the answers that I hoped it would. I read the bible again as an adult — same reaction.

That’s all very exciting, but what I really enjoyed was how he led up to the announcement the day before:

My wife knows about my dirty little secret. My kids and most of my relatives and friends know. But I’ve always hesitated to make a public announcement here, for fear that the prejudice still harbored against my kind will cause people to turn away from this blog…

My goal is not to convince you that your way of living is wrong and that my way of living is right. My goal is to demonstrate to you that people like me are good, moral, loving, and worthy people, just like you are. We’re not evil, deranged, unhappy, aimless, immoral or any of those other horrible stereotypes. In almost every way except one, we’re just like you.

We try to lead good lives. We love our families. We maintain high moral and ethical standards, except when we don’t, just like you. If after I reveal my secret you no longer wish to be my friend or to read my blog, then just remember it was you who made that decision, not me. If you later reconsider and come back, I’ll welcome you with open arms.

A nice bait-and-switch, calling attention to more than one kind of bigotry :)

Filed Under: Coming Out, General, GLBT 10 Comments

Ask Richard: Christian “Comes Out” and is Treated Poorly by His Atheist Friends

April 16, 2012 By richard wade 212 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Dear Richard

This is probably a little bit different than what you are used to answering, but this seems to be a sensible place to ask for advice. Recently, I’ve been facing some religious discrimination at the hands of my Atheist friends. I went to a very liberal Christian high school that accepted people of all religious beliefs, and generally, people were open and accepting of what others thought. There, I knew Buddhists, Atheists, Jewish people, and even a Muslim person. However, for whatever reason, the majority of my friends here at college have been non-religious.

I don’t proselytize, and I generally only talk about my faith when asked directly. However, since disclosing that I am a practicing Christian, I’ve been mocked, belittled, and talked down to by a few of my Atheist friends. I get remarks like, “I can’t believe that you actually think that” or “Oh, we’d better not talk about this- it would probably offend him.” It’s automatically assumed that I am an easily offended, narrow minded, Bible-thumping bigot. Naturally, being unfairly classified like this hurts quite a bit. I’ve tried turning the other cheek and responding in a non-confrontational manner, but this has not been very successful.

So, what steps can I take to convince my atheist friends to treat me like a human, regardless of my worldview?

Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

My advice to you is essentially the same as I would give to an atheist being similarly treated by Christian friends, or any combination of friends with differing religious viewpoints.

You have tried the non-confrontational approach, and it has not worked, so call your friends out on it. Remember that confrontational does not necessarily mean boorish, uncivil, or rude. You can be confrontational but still be calm, gracious, and friendly. You can be cool-headed and warm-hearted even as you tell it the way it is.

With a composed and pleasant tone, tell them that you value their friendship, and you’d like it to continue, but lately their treatment of you is not what friends should do to each other. Cite specific examples of when they have been condescending, personally contemptuous, sarcastic, or they have incorrectly assumed negative things about you that are based on misconceptions.

Explain to them that there is a difference between respecting someone’s beliefs, and treating someone respectfully. They probably do not respect your beliefs, and you can understand that, but they certainly can treat you respectfully, just as you have been treating them respectfully, regardless of your differing views.

If you want to persuade anyone to change their treatment of you, appeal to the values that they already hold, rather than trying to get them to first adopt the values that you hold. Build a case that treating you respectfully is a reflection of the principles they hold in high esteem.

In the case of your friends, suggest that as atheists, they probably value skepticism. Skepticism involves refraining from jumping to conclusions or making assumptions without acceptable evidence. That includes not assuming that someone in a given category possesses all the characteristics of the stereotype of that category. Propose that they should practice good skepticism by looking for evidence in you before they assume things about you.

They can do this by asking you about your beliefs, your emotional reactions, and your social or political opinions. Assure them that you’ll answer their questions without a sermon. Point out that you don’t proselytize, and of course you will appreciate them not trying to do something similar to you.

Model for them how a person can change their attitude through open-minded investigation. If you can come up with a real example, tell them how you were once told that all atheists possess some particular loathsome characteristic, but because you have been friends with them, you know that that is incorrect. Challenge your friends to do the same thing with you. Propose a mutual pact, an assumption-free zone where all of you will abstain from pre-judging each other and will openly and safely talk to each other.

Some of them might respond by saying that they were just kidding or teasing. That might be so, but properly done, teasing is supposed to bond friends closer together. If it starts to divide friends, then it’s not being done right, and it should stop. A stronger foundation of mutual understanding, trust, and affection is needed before kidding or teasing can be a positive dynamic in a friendship. That foundation is built by exchanging questions and answers in a frank yet respectful way.

Friendships become deeper when friends give each other permission to be honest and frank, but that does not imply permission to be cruel. It’s possible for friends to have discussions where they clearly disagree without indulging in belittling, personal put-downs, or mockery of stereotypes that don’t apply. It’s important to also honestly say “Ouch, that hurts” when a friend’s honesty is clumsy, tactless or unnecessarily harsh. It’s also important for friends to forgive each other when they realize their blunder.

I understand that it’s not easy to confront people whom you care about, even in the amicable way I’ve described. If you feel too apprehensive about the prospect, you could simply show them this post with your letter and my suggestions. The fact that you wrote to a site called Friendly Atheist will probably blow away several of their assumptions about you, and it could start a more relaxed and productive conversation between you and them.

Jonathan, you sound like an interesting and caring friend, someone who would be a plus in any person’s life. I hope that things work out for you and your friends.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Atheist/Christian Cooperation, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 212 Comments

Ask Richard: Four Atheists in a Family Coming Out to a Christian Mother

April 9, 2012 By richard wade 9 Comments

In the letters I receive that deal with “coming out,” usually the atheist is alone in a religious family, and must delicately weigh the possible consequences. These can include the possibility of shunning, abuse, loss of financial support, or even being kicked out of the home. Often he or she is also concerned about reducing the anxiety or hurt feelings that family members might suffer, not just the difficulties he or she might face.

In this letter, it is a daughter, her father, her brother, and her boyfriend who are the concealed atheists, and the feelings of a lone Christian, the mother, are the focus of the daughter’s concern. Instead of a dilemma between truthfulness and self-protection, this is a dilemma between truthfulness and compassion.

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Richard,

I was raised in a somewhat Christian home, my family went to church together for a few years, then my father abruptly stopped going. I was active in youth group, but once high school ended, my enthusiasm waned. My wonderful boyfriend asked deep, thought provoking questions about my faith, and I found that it didn’t hold up to even the simplest scrutiny. I have since embraced science and critical thinking, and atheism as well. One of your previous posts actually prompted me to ask my father about his “faith”, and to my surprise he is also an atheist! As is my younger brother! Here’s what I need your help with:

My father has decided that we eventually all need to tell my mother. She knows my father is not a believer, and that has caused them some amount of strain in their 27 years of marriage. I think she thought she could convert him. My mother thought I kept going to church when I moved out with my conservative Christian room mate a few years ago, as I cited my lack of a vehicle as a reason why I stopped attending her church. She likely knows I have stopped going to church since I moved in with my boyfriend over a year ago… that confrontation was not pretty, she actually wrote me an e-mail on moving day about how my cohabitation was an affront to god. I am not keen to tell her about my apostasy, especially if it happens at the same time as my brother reveals his lack of faith. She has a VERY good support system in her church friends, but I wonder if maybe she won’t turn to them out of shame in what we have become. How can we cushion the blow if she thinks that her entire family will go to hell?

Thanks for your help,
Camille

Dear Camille,

Firstly, I commend you for your compassion and sensitivity for your mother’s feelings. You are a good example of how reason, rationality, and critical thinking do not banish loving kindness from a person’s heart. Things might be easier for you if they did, but then you’d be less the humanitarian and less the person that you are.

There are limits to what we can do and what we should do to protect people from the consequences of their own beliefs. The situations in each family differ, and so there is no set “best” way to handle predicaments like this, but if everyone continues to live a lie and play a charade to prevent one family member from being sad because of her religious beliefs, that is not going to last. The truth will come out in some uncontrolled way, and that will only result in worse emotional repercussions.

The four of you should take the time to discuss this carefully before you disclose your atheism to your mother as a group. One or two of you might not be as eager or as comfortable with the prospect as others. Give everyone a chance to express themselves, time to consider it, and to work past at least the worst of their hesitance. If someone is simply not ready, they should not be included in the disclosure. No one should be outed against their will if it can be avoided. Work out what you will say about each other to preserve their privacy.

The “blow” your mother feels at first might not be so much about the prospect that you’ll all go to hell; she might first suffer the impact of abandonment and loneliness. It sounds like she probably already feels alone in the family as the only practicing Christian, and this multiple “outing” will probably make her sense of isolation worse. Encourage her to continue with her good support system with her church friends. Assure her that you, your father, your younger brother, and your boyfriend will not do anything to discourage her beliefs or her personal religious practice, and you will not mock or ridicule her. You’ll all follow a live-and-let-live policy in the family. Gently make it clear that in return, she and her friends should leave your viewpoints about religion up to the four of you. Attempts to proselytize will not be welcome.

If she has considered it her task or duty to raise Christian children and possibly to convert her husband, then she might also feel the pang of failure. Emphasize her success in raising you to have integrity, to be honest, and to be caring. You’re demonstrating those character traits right there in the conscientious way you are trying to handle this situation. Don’t be shy about saying so, because you’re describing her good influence.

Regarding your mother’s fear that you’ll all go to hell, it’s probably best to avoid getting too deeply into a discussion of her beliefs, but you might suggest that the god she believes in does not have to live up to any human’s predictions. He is not bound by his own promises or threats; he can do whatever he wants. Suggest to her that the deepest and most complete faith she could practice would be to leave your fates up to her god, since within her belief system, your fates have never been up to anyone else anyway.

Frequently warm your dialogues with “I love you,” so that it is an explicit part of everything you tell her. Listen to her attentively, and interpret all of her worry or anguish as expressions of her love for you. Sincerely thank her for those every time.

Once the four of you are free of the veil of secrecy, it is natural that you’ll enjoy a relaxed camaraderie together. That is good, but be careful that it is not subtly exclusionary, giving your mother a sense of being left out or shut out. All of you should increase your efforts to involve her in family activities, going places, and fun times.

Although there will probably be some initial tension and tears, I think that in the long run, a caring honesty in place of pretense and secrecy will make it easier for everyone in the family to be themselves, and will promote a healthy flow of mutual love and respect. I wish all five of you well.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 9 Comments

Ask Richard: Teen Atheist Ponders Coming Out In Religious Family

April 2, 2012 By richard wade 16 Comments

Dear Richard,

I was raised in a Christian home, and taught that god is the only way to pretty much do anything. Most of my family is so-so with their religion, and while they believe, they do not attempt to shove it down other’s throats or make a show of their all knowing religion, however there are some exceptions to this. My grandfather is incredibly religious, and can work god into any subject. He’s constantly talking about this and taking me aside to pray, alone. Most of my great uncles and aunts are pastors or otherwise work for the church.

As you may know, Easter is coming up. I would prefer to not spend my Sunday at a church whose religion I do not believe in. I’m not quite sure how to go about this, as I’ve not yet “come out”. I worry about doing so, as I’m still considered a minor (I’m 14) and have no way of finding a new home for myself should the worse happen. I’d like to know if you have any tips for a situation like this, and I would like to know how to convince my family that it is not a phase, but my religion, should I end up “coming out”.

Worried and Wondering

Dear Worried and Wondering,

A 14-year-old atheist in a family such as yours has much more at risk in coming out than a 24-year-old, and even they sometimes have reason to pause and carefully consider what would be the prudent thing to do.

We have lately been inspired by the courage and pluck of teens such as Jessica Ahlquist and Damon Fowler, who not only outed themselves as atheists, they also stood up to illegal religious activities in their respective high schools. Jessica and Damon have both faced very difficult backlashes from the public, including threats to their lives. But Jessica had one big advantage. She had the support of her parents and family. Damon discovered that he did not. According to this story, his family threw him and all of his possessions out of the house and left town. Fortunately for him, his brother was supportive and willing to take him in.

Both Jessica and Damon have received rewards for their courage and activism from atheist groups because their struggles were with public institutions, and so there was a great deal of media attention. Teens being kicked out of the house by their family, or more likely simply being made miserable by their family’s fear, anger and reactionary browbeating will probably not be able to count on that kind of attention or support.

You say that most members of your family are relatively mild in their religiosity, and that it’s generally the older generation, your grandfather and your great uncles and aunts who are the more devout ones. That might mean that you won’t face such extreme consequences as Damon did, but it still might mean some very unpleasant conflicts. Your closer relatives might pressure you to “toe the line” for grandpa’s sake, and that might be enforced with threats of disagreeable penalties.

Only you can determine the likelihood of these complicated contingencies, and even a family insider might find such predictions difficult.

If you decide to come out to your family, I suggest that you start with one person, whoever is the one you trust will be the most receptive, understanding, and discreet. That person might be able to help you determine who, when, how, and if you should tell someone else.

Avoid calling your atheism your “religion.” I assume that you meant that it is a strong and long-lasting conviction you have, rather than just a phase or a fad. If your family tries to dismiss it as such, don’t spend a lot of frustrating effort trying to convince them otherwise. It doesn’t matter what they think about that. What matters is what you think, and that you keep on thinking as clearly as you can. As time goes on and you remain true to your convictions, your family will have to face the reality that this is where you stand.

Keep all the rest of your conduct and performance to a high standard. Keep your school grades up, diligently do your family duties and chores, and generally stay out of trouble. You don’t want your atheism being blamed for failures in such areas. As ridiculous as that is, it seems to be common among religious families with a young atheist member.

If you decide to wait and not come out yet, then you’ll probably be required to at least attend the Easter service. I have suggested to young people in similar predicaments that they might reduce their frustration, boredom and discomfort by adopting what I’ve called the “undercover anthropologist” stance. Basically, think of yourself as studying a group of people from within their midst, just as western anthropologists do when they win the trust of aboriginal people in the rain forests and live with them to study their culture. It can give you some emotional separation, and you can find such observation interesting on an intellectual level. This would be better than sitting there thinking of yourself as nothing more than a helpless victim being forced to endure something.

I think you might be getting old enough to be a little more assertive with your grandfather if he wants to take you aside for some private prayer together. You might gently tell him that you prefer to contemplate such things by yourself and in your own way. This is a delicate matter on several levels, so think it over carefully.

I know you’re in a tough spot. You want to live according to your own convictions, yet you don’t want to cause upset in your family if it can be avoided. You love your family, and you also want to be true to yourself. You would rather not have to pretend that you believe and have to attend religious events, but you might have to face some undesirable reactions.

Find some peers. Find some discreet friends who have similar feelings and views. Be very careful to assure as best you can that they are trustworthy. You will be less tense at home if you have been able to share your thoughts openly with someone outside your home. There have been several attempts at discussion websites for young atheists, but they don’t seem to last. The most recently active one I found is Young Atheists, an Atheist Nexus site. Its latest activity was a month ago. DO NOT post your atheist views on Facebook. That will result in your being outed before you’re ready.

Face these challenges with patience and clear thinking. How you handle this will help to mold you into the both principled and pragmatic adult you want to become. Outing yourself is generally a one-way-only decision. Often the outcome is optimized not by how you do it, but by when you do it.

Please write again to let us know how things develop. As a community, we need to gather the wisdom and experience of as many of our members as we can, to best learn how to help ourselves and each other. We also simply care about you, and want to support you in whatever ways we can.

Richard

The issue of young people coming out is a huge section of the hundreds of letters I have received. Here are just a handful of other Ask Richard columns dealing with the same problem:

Atheist 8th Grader Wants to Confide to Someone in the Family
Young Atheist Considers Coming Out to His Grandparents
Young Atheist Considers Leaving Church and Coming Out
Family Finds Out, Shuts Out, Loses Out
Should I Come Out to My Parents? Letter 1 of 2
Should I Come Out to My Parents? Letter 2 of 2
Parents Rendered Deaf by the Word “Atheist”

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Coming Out, General, Richard Wade 16 Comments

Elisabeth Cornwell Speaks About the OUT Campaign

March 27, 2012 By Hemant Mehta 4 Comments

Dr. R. Elisabeth Cornwell, Executive Director of the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science, spoke about the OUT Campaign (i.e. The A symbol) at the American Atheists convention this past weekend and the video is now available:

As always, if you notice a particularly great clip, leave the timestamp and summary in the comments!

Filed Under: Coming Out, General 4 Comments

Richard Dawkins’ Speech at the American Atheists Convention

March 27, 2012 By Hemant Mehta 4 Comments

With an introduction by Sean Faircloth, here’s Richard Dawkins‘ speech from the American Atheists convention this past weekend (just ignore that opening music…):

Pastor Mike Aus makes an appearance in that video. It was only hours prior to that when Aus came out as an atheist for the first time on Up with Chris Hayes:

There’s also video of Dawkins interviewing Aus in which they talk about the Clergy Project:

As always, if you notice a particularly great clip, leave the timestamp and summary in the comments!

Filed Under: Coming Out, General 4 Comments

Up With Chris Hayes Will Do an Atheism-Themed Show Tomorrow

March 24, 2012 By Bentley Owen 6 Comments

The best cable news show on television is about to get even better. Apparently inspired by the Reason Rally, tomorrow’s episode of Up With Chris Hayes is billed as “an unprecedented look at atheism in America,” and will feature a panel with Richard Dawkins, Jamila Bey, Susan Jacoby, and Steven Pinker. Also appearing will be comedian and Reason Rally speaker  Jamie Kilstein, journalist Robert Wright (an agnostic), and “a Christian clergyman [who] will reveal himself as an atheist.”

The show airs live at 8 AM EST on MSNBC, and lasts two hours. The complete episode will be made available online later in the day. They usually start posting segments at about 1:30 PM EST. Up, which premiered last September, gets good ratings, and clips from it are often picked up by blogs and news sites. This is an opportunity for very good visibility, and a step forward for getting atheism into the mainstream of national political discussion. For those who watch the show live and have Twitter accounts, the hashtag #Uppers is used by viewers who tweet about the show while it’s in progress.

Filed Under: Coming Out, General, Politics 6 Comments

‘A’ Week 2012 Is Coming Up

March 17, 2012 By Hemant Mehta 15 Comments

It’s once again time for A Week!

‘A’ Week is an online event that runs 18-24 March 2012. The idea of ‘A’ Week is simple — to raise awareness of how many people are ‘Good without Gods’ and don’t need religions to influence their lives.

You take part by changing your Facebook profile picture to an ‘A’ for one week.

This isn’t about insulting or criticizing faith. It’s not about mocking religious friends. This is simply a chance to express the fact that you don’t believe in god, you’re a good person, and those two things are perfectly compatible.

I’m using this banner image for my Timeline:

There are several other graphics available at their Facebook page.

The usual comment from everyone is, “How will people know you’re an atheist if they’ve never seen the A before?” Well, hopefully, they’ll ask you about it and a conversation can begin. It has to start somewhere.

More information is here.

Filed Under: Coming Out, General 15 Comments

Ask Richard: Seven-Year-Old Faces Religious Badgering at School

March 12, 2012 By richard wade 38 Comments

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Richard,

My son is in second grade and is coming under pressure from his friends. They are badgering him saying he is going to go to hell because he doesn’t believe in God. I know this won’t be the last time someone tries to force their religious views on him. And as a parent I want him to learn ways to handle it.

Unfortunately, giving logical arguments doesn’t work for 7 year olds. “I see no evidence” doesn’t work in an age where Santa Claus and tooth fairies make perfect sense.

Do you have any suggestions for a child to handle this situation?

As I said, my goal would be for him to have the right tools to handle this on his own. However, if that doesn’t work then I will speak to the other kids parents.

One final note… I live in Texas. So sadly, short of suing, the school system will be of little help.

Kind regards,
Kevin

Dear Kevin,

I can understand that as a parent you want your child to grow up being able to handle things on his own, but I think this might be more than most seven-year-olds should be expected to deal with alone, so you should assess it carefully.

Most people who grow up self-confident have drawn upon on two different kinds of foundation experiences in their childhood. One is the experience of having the backup and support of loved ones, especially their parents. As children, they knew that they would not be entirely alone in a struggle if they got beyond their depth. As they grew older, they gradually shifted to the second foundation of self-confidence, the repeated experience of being able to deal with a situation without help. If they have had only one of those two kinds of foundations, then as adults they might not handle challenging situations with the skill and flexibility that they would if they had had both.

There are no standard guidelines to help you determine if you should intervene and how you might intervene in this, because there are so many variables. Just a few of the variables include the following: Your son might be finding these incidents very upsetting, or he might be shrugging them off. The religious kids might be only casually expressing their training in spiritual conceit, or they might be really bearing down on him. These friends might be simply working out what topics should be discussed and what should not, or they might be stringently requiring your son to conform to their religious views in order to be accepted as their friend.

One thing you can probably assume is that the kids who are doing the religious badgering are drawing their self-confidence from that first foundation I mentioned. They are most likely assuming, correctly or not, that their parents and community will support them in what they are doing.

Seven years old is a time of rapid developmental and cognitive growth. If your son’s friends are just a few months older than him, they can have an advantage in developmental self-confidence as well as the confidence from assuming that they have parental backup, and the confidence from simply outnumbering him.

So you should assess these variables as best you can, especially letting your son tell you if and how much this situation distresses him. Make it easy for him to tell you honestly, without trying to please you with the answer that he thinks you would prefer to hear. Make sure that he knows you believe in his worthiness and that his well-being matters to you enough for you to help him when and if he is overwhelmed.

Whether or not you decide that it is time to intervene with the other kids’ parents and/or with the school administration, you should prepare for that contingency now, by documenting everything. Create a notebook where you write down every incident with the date, time, place, the names of the individuals involved, things that were done and said, and the effect that it had on your son.

If you decide to speak to the badgering kids’ parents, be ready to face whatever social fallout might come from that. They might be mature adults who don’t want their kids behaving that way, or they might be oversized versions of the playground bullies that their kids are. Bringing your documentation will have a powerful effect on whoever you end up talking to. They will see that you take this seriously, and that you expect them to do the same.

You say that because you are in Texas, the school system will be of little help. It certainly will be of no help if you assume that, and you do not approach them at all. I don’t think that you want to inadvertently teach your son to accept defeat by default. Only if you give the school administration an honest chance to do the right thing will you know how helpful or unhelpful they will be.

If you speak to the school Principal and/or teachers, let them see you writing down everything that they are saying to you. This will give them a clear message that you expect results rather than giving you placating platitudes or disdainful dismissals. You don’t necessarily have to mention potential lawsuits, because your documenting clearly implies that possibility. Demonstrating that you are determined and prepared can often be enough to shake people out of their complacency or apathy.

In the meantime, you could talk to your son about what he might try on his own, but I cannot promise that the couple of suggestions I offer below will help. Perhaps the readers here will have suggestions based on their own experiences.

I think it would be a mistake for him argue with the other kids about their beliefs. That would probably just worsen things. His efforts should be about trying to alter the relationship between them, rather than alter the beliefs. He can get into debates about metaphysics and epistemology when he’s in high school and college.

Start with the shrug-off. Suggest that when they try the you’re-going-to-hell routine, he should say with a shrug and a friendly tone, “I don’t care about that stuff. Let’s play baseball.” It disarms the taunt or challenge because it seems to have no effect on him, and it suggests a positive alternative thing for him and the other kids to do.

Another one might be the focus on friendship. He could say something like, “It’s more fun to be friends. Let’s play baseball.”

There are no guarantees that any response will work, because so much depends on whatever is driving the other kids. I think a combination of what your son tries and what you try on his behalf might be the best approach. The exact mixture of those will have to be an experiment.

The last thing I’ll suggest is probably the first thing you should try. Encourage him and even help him to find other friends who don’t badger him like that. There may be a great many religiously intolerant people in your area, but they’re not all like that. Your son only needs to find a handful of more easygoing kids who are not mimicking their parents’ obsession with conformity and the extortion racket that is faith under threat of torture.

Please write again to let me know how things turn out. We can all benefit from your experiences of what works and what does not. I wish you and your son the best.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to AskRichard. Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Filed Under: Advice, Atheist Parenting, Coming Out, Education, General, Richard Wade 38 Comments
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