Dear Richard

I’m an atheist living in Oklahoma, and I’ve always tried to be open with my children, yet responsible in how we discuss religion, etc. Their mother (we are divorced) is a Christian and told my 10 year old daughter that I was going to “go to hell”, because I didn’t believe in God. My daughter came to me in tears a few days later terrified that this was true. I was very upset about the matter and stumbled in my words. I think I did convince her that I wasn’t going to any such place, and that she ended up feeling better.

But I feel I didn’t respond very well to her fear. Could you give me some advice on how to handle such situations in the future?

Thanks.
Wyatt

Dear Wyatt,

This is revolting, outrageous, and harmful. It has to stop.

Divorced parents sometimes fall into a pattern that family therapists call “triangulation.” This is where one parent will use a child to communicate something indirectly to the other parent because he or she doesn’t want to communicate directly.

Sometimes what they communicate is their hatred.

She’s warning your daughter to not be like you, but to be like her, and she’s using fear to enforce that. The implication is just under the surface that if the girl thinks like you, then she will join you in hell. If your daughter hasn’t realized that implied threat yet, she will soon. Your ex-wife is putting your daughter into a bind, where her natural love and loyalty for you must conflict with her natural love and loyalty for her mother. This will pull the girl in two directions, and can cause serious emotional harm.

Your ex-wife is also telling you that she disapproves of your atheism, but she’s using your daughter to deliver the message. The girl’s terror from the prospect of her daddy being tormented in hell assures that the message comes wrapped up in a big black ribbon of loathing. She’s using your daughter as a weapon against you, and she seems to be either unaware of the damage she is doing to her child, or she doesn’t care. I hope it’s the former.

You should do two things; communicate directly with your ex-wife to put a stop to this, and begin to build a rational dialogue with your 10-year-old daughter.

Set up a meeting with your ex-wife that will be free of interruptions or distractions, and will not be overheard by any children. You must remain calm and collected, regardless of the feelings that come up for either of you. You can describe your feelings, but you must remain in control of them. You will discredit yourself if you lose your temper. Describe to her what your daughter was going through when she came to you in tears. Tell her that this is destructive and unacceptable. She should not teach a little girl things that terrify her about the people she loves the most, her parents. If your ex-wife has thoughts or feelings about you, she should express them clearly and directly to you, and not use your daughter as a messenger. If she refuses to reconsider, then tell her that if she persists with this emotional abuse, it is grounds for a re-evaluation of the custody arrangements.

If you don’t think you can get all that communicated without either of you shouting or ending it prematurely, then write it all down in a calm, cool letter and deliver it to your ex-wife. Assume that she will keep it and perhaps show it to others, so make certain it is rational, factual, and civil.

During this whole process, document everything. Dates, times, places, and what your daughter, your ex-wife, and you have said and done. Hopefully you won’t need it, but documentation is important to have just in case this has to go before a judge. I realize that in Oklahoma, depending on the judge, an atheist father can face an uphill battle against a Christian mother, but if she continues to do such dreadful things, it’s a battle that you owe your daughter. Behave as if you’re always on camera. Your conduct must be that of an excellent parent, and a fair and reasonable ex-husband.

When you and your daughter are talking about your ex wife, take the high road. Don’t do any triangulating in return. That would only tear her in half all the more. Tell her that you know she loves her mommy and you know she loves you, and that is all okay. You will never try to make her choose between who she must love. You’re glad that she’s such a loving, caring child.

Tell her that her mother and other people believe those things about God, but you and other people don’t, and she can make up her own mind about it. She can think one way for a while, and change her mind if she wishes, and think about it some more over a long time. Whenever she has questions, she can ask you and you’ll always be honest with her. Tell her that the most important thing to remember is that you will always love her and care for her no matter what she decides.

You must live up to that. A love that is without condition is far more attractive and far more nurturing than a love that requires adherence to a set of beliefs.

Ten years old is about the age when simple rational thought processes can take a stronger hold. You can begin a rational dialogue with her. If she is still worried about you going to hell, ask her things like these, perhaps just two questions at a time: “Do you think I’m a good person? Does it make sense to terribly punish a good person? Would you punish a good person? Does it make sense that a god who’s supposed to be loving would punish a good person?” Keep these brief, and let her answers be whatever they are.

In this way, you’re introducing the idea of comparing the beliefs she has been taught to what “makes sense.” You’re giving her permission to examine beliefs in the light of sensibleness. That permission is the beginning of rational thinking.

Ten years old is also about the age when children can understand adults’ emotions when they’re shared honestly but in a gentle manner. For instance, if she tells you something that floors you as much as when she came to you in anguish about hell, you don’t have to keep up a perfectly composed façade. You can gently say that wow, you’re knocked over by it, and you’ll have to stumble around for a moment to respond to her. That honesty, that willingness to candidly share your vulnerability will tell her that “Daddy is honest with me about feelings, not just about facts. He’s real with me. I don’t need him to be perfect. I need him to be real.” I think she will increasingly turn to you to learn what’s real both in the world around us, and in the world within.

When one parent pushes a version of religion that is so ugly, so full of extortion and fear, while the other parent teaches rationality by example and gives permission to decide for herself, then the rational path will become the far more attractive of the two.

Hopefully without a legal fight your ex-wife will stop this very negative and harmful approach to teaching her religion, and she will be more direct in her communications with you. I wish more peace and harmony for all three of you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I am a divorced mother whose religious ex-husband has custody of my daughter. He chose to send her to a religious high school, which she has attended for 3 years. Recently, she started asking a lot of questions about her religion, which has caused people to suspect she doesn’t believe in God. Her science teacher, who caught wind of this when she didn’t agree with his disparaging comments on evolution, has now started to pick on her, getting into confrontations with her about subjects ranging from evolution to global warming to abortion, etc. This teacher is one of the angry, confrontational, red-faced types, who is always ranting about random topics, making disparaging comments at people, and spewing nonsense whenever he feels like it. Unfortunately, complaining to the school about this has achieved nothing, and the kids tend to egg him on into acting like this daily by purposely asking questions that rile him up, and then agreeing with him and attacking my daughter when she respectfully disagrees. I have no control to pull her out of the school, but my daughter is miserable and needs advice on how to deal with this situation. My ex refuses to help in any way. Do you have anything to offer?

Thanks and Regards,
Exasperated Mother

Dear Exasperated,

Your daughter has a strong spirit and a sharp mind, and I admire her willingness and ability to challenge her teacher so bravely and so frequently. I have to wonder if she is quite as miserable as you think, since she voluntarily does this so bravely and so frequently. When her teacher foolishly allows himself to be goaded by the other kids into one of his rants, she could just sit there quietly letting him make an ass of himself, but instead she speaks up and challenges him with her respectful disagreement. She has not been cowed by his ad hominem attacks in return. She keeps doing it. She has more courage and pluck than I do at three and a half times her age.

I can understand her frustration because they don’t respond reasonably or honorably to her respectful challenges, but she may be unhappy for other reasons. One might be that her intellectual hunger is not being satisfied by the school. Some religious schools have high academic standards, but some push education through a filter that removes anything that conflicts with dogma. They also often discourage students from asking probing questions that go too far, and cannot be answered by whatever diluted, cliché, simplistic explanations have made it through the filter.

Another reason that she might be unhappy is that her need to ask tough questions about both religion and science sets her apart socially, and if other kids are beginning to suspect that she doesn’t believe in God, she might be feeling the beginnings of shunning by her peers.

The most important thing for you to do is to strengthen your bond with her. She needs adult allies, and you are the only suitable adult described in your letter. Since your ex husband has custody, your time with her is presumably limited. Make the most of it by making it easy and safe for her to share with you her thoughts and doubts about everything and anything. Help her to freely express whatever she discovers in her explorations of her beliefs, giving her full permission and license to believe, to doubt, to question, and to tentatively try on answers to see how they fit. Let changing her mind always be a completely legitimate option.

Give her access to any books or materials that will answer her questions about religion and science better than whatever is inadequate that the school offers. Encourage her to find friends who seem to have that same demanding curiosity, or who at least do not judge her for having that wonderful quality. Having just one or two comrades will get her through the last year of high school. If no one at school is suitable, help her find social outlets in a club or some kind of activity for young people that is not centered around religion.

Always take the high road when helping her deal with your ex husband. Even if she disagrees with her father on important issues, she will have natural loyalties to him as well as to you. Letting her know that you understand that will help to prevent tension building in her trying to satisfy both loyalties, like a rope stretched too tight. Let your growing bond with your daughter be an alliance for the two of you, but not an alliance against him.

Now for two sets of advice directly to your daughter:

Hello. Apparently these classroom discussions are not resulting in your getting called in to the Principal’s office or some other authoritarian tactic. It’s apparently something that the teacher is permitting to happen. If you are initiating these arguments by asking challenging questions or disagreeing, and if you don’t mind the attacks and whatever social fallout there is, then all you have to do is improve your argumentation skills. When the teacher or classmates attack you rather than what you ask or say, then with a nonchalant shrug say, “That remark about me does not answer my question,” or “Attacking something about me does not attack my argument,” or “Coming back with an insult means you couldn’t come back with a good argument.” If the teacher or a student makes an unlikely sounding claim, say, “Since this is a science class, I’m just curious what scientific evidence there is to back up that claim.” Always put the burden of proof onto the person making the claim. If they say “You can’t prove it’s wrong,” Calmly (always calmly) reply, “You’re the one who is saying it’s true, so it’s up to you to prove that it’s true. I’m just not convinced by you simply saying that it’s true.” Smile nicely, with no hint of triumph or smugness. Really be as open to acceptable, credible evidence as you are saying you are.

However I can understand that for a young person that kind of critical arguing and debating can be intimidating. If it seems too risky, or if you’re just getting tired of it all, then here is another way to channel the energy of your demanding curiosity into something that keeps you from becoming too frustrated:

Hold your tongue, and switch to Secret Psychologist Mode. Think of the classroom as your lab, and the teacher and the other kids are subjects whom you are studying. Quietly watch how they interact. Look for the intentions underneath the things that people are saying. See how some kids are the provocateurs who try to goad the teacher into some off-topic rant, probably just for the entertainment value. See how some kids are the yes-persons, looking for a chance to please the teacher by agreeing with him. There will probably be a couple of class clowns, who either provide release from mounting tension by making people laugh with a clever wisecrack, or who are sneaking in some frustration or anger of their own disguised as a sarcastic joke. Notice the quieter ones in the background. Some are interested but seem intimidated. Some are bored and are distracting themselves. There might be one person who sits there quietly and seems to be observing in the same detached kind of way that you are. Catch that person’s eye. You might have found an ally. Take notes about what you observe, and keep them safe.

The teacher himself? There’s enough material there for a Master’s Thesis. He might not be very good at teaching science, and he might be a boorish person, but you can think of him as a gift. You can turn him into something useful for you, a good practice subject for a young woman who is becoming a keen observer of human nature. Whatever walk of life you end up taking, that skill is extremely valuable.

Mother and daughter, I wish you both well. Love and support each other. Stay relaxed and positive. Find the useful thing, information, or lesson in every situation. Share what you learn. Both of you make the other person a lucky person.

Richard
**Update** The letter writer has left a comment under her own name that clarifies some important details, and so my response is amended in my reply to her to focus more on directly combating the teacher’s abuse of her daughter. Please find this in the comments below.

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

I met you once when Hemant spoke at an atheist group. I shared that I had become an atheist during college, thanks to some wonderful classes and professors, but that I had been raised in Evangelical Christianity, and I was still not out to my family. I had been debating coming out to my family for awhile, but had not made the leap.

My family learned in fall of 2011 that my father has terminal cancer. He has an inoperable tumor slowly growing which will probably kill him within months. My mother and father have both retreated deeper into their faith, and it looks to me as if it is the only thing giving them comfort during this time. My relationship with my parents was severely strained when I was younger, and we have finally reached a point where we can enjoy time together (although I avoid topics of religion if possible).

My father asked me on a recent trip home if there was anything we needed to resolve about our relationship. I lied, and said no, because I don’t want to ruin what little time we have left, and I can’t imagine causing my parents and sisters pain of this magnitude while my father is dying. We are just hoping he lives to see my sister graduate from college, and me from my masters program.

Should I keep the peace and enjoy the time he has left, while knowing that he will probably never know and/or accept my views and the way I have chosen to live my life? I don’t want to create a rift in my family, but I am deeply saddened by the fact that I will not be able to have my father’s respect for the independent and successful woman I have become, because it is inextricably tied to my reasoning and my nonbelief.

I love reading your advice, and hope that you can help.

Sincerely,
Ashley

Dear Ashley,

My heartfelt wishes for your father, you, and your family to find solace and comfort in whatever forms each of you need.

When you answered your father that no, there isn’t anything you need to resolve in your relationship, you didn’t lie, you told the truth. What you needed to resolve you have already done. After a severely strained relationship, you have restored your caring and respectful bond with each other.

You say you’re saddened by the fact that you will not be able to have your father’s respect for the independent and successful woman you have become, because that is tied to your reasoning and nonbelief.

He is already aware that you are an independent person. Your youthful independence was possibly a part of the strain between you and your parents when you were younger, and I think now your more mature independence is a part of how and why you enjoy each other’s company.

He is also already aware that you are an intelligent, successful woman who can take care of herself. You will soon earn your master’s degree, and that is no small accomplishment.

He’s even already aware that you are a strongly reasoning person. The rationality that you probably apply to many things in life would be hard to miss.

It appears that he already respects you for all that, since you are getting along well.

The only thing that he doesn’t know is that you’re unconvinced of a deity. That is just one result of your independence, your intelligence, and your ability to reason, not the cause of those qualities.

Right now, the person who really needs to know where you stand on such things as religion also already knows. That’s you. So yes, enjoy the time you have left together. In this case, at this point, I think telling him would be only about giving yourself something, and not about giving him something. Let him and your mother have what ease and comfort they can find.

You can consider how you should handle this issue with your mother and sisters later, when people are not so vulnerable from anguish and grief, and in so much need of their customary comforts. You can weigh the principle of honesty versus the principle of compassion versus the principle of prudence on a person-by-person basis. As you grow, as they grow, and as circumstances change, your best guesses at the best solutions to these life puzzles will change too.

You’re sad that he will die, but there is no need to be sad that he will not know everything about you. Just make certain that he knows the most important things. Make certain that he knows you love him, and you know he loves you. He probably already knows that you are a good person who cares about people’s feelings, and who tries to find the best solutions in delicate, difficult situations. He probably already knows that you can selflessly forego your own satisfaction in order to show someone else compassion. Even though he doesn’t know you’re doing those things for him right now, I’m sure those qualities show clearly in much of your behavior. Be certain to thank him for helping to nurture those qualities in you.

Those are the essentials, the things we should be certain are clearly said and understood between us and our loved ones before we lose the opportunity. The rest are just details that we can choose to share or not share, guided by the love we have already made crystal clear.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Sir,
Do you Hate Christian?
Do you Hate there God?
Do you Hate when they talk to you?
were you ever a christian?
if so why did you stop being a christian?
What prompted you to start giving atheistic advice?
were you treated badly by christians?
if so not all christians are trying to force you to convert,
somtimes you run into a major christian & somtimes you have a christian friend & there only trying to convert you because they a scared for you they don’t want there friends to go to hell, you should try reading a few storys from Jesus freak and see what most christians would do for God its a good book try it.
PLease get back to me on this & i dare you to read Jesus Freak it’s eye opening.
By Megan

This was my private response to Megan:
Hi Megan,
Your subject line says “one Question” but you asked seven questions. Forgive me, I have a feeling that your email might be a prank, like a Poe, but I’ll answer your questions as if they are legitimate and earnest.

Do you Hate Christian?
No. I generally really like people of all sorts. I dislike some things that a few of them do.

Do you Hate there God?
I cannot hate something that I am not convinced exists. If you are not convinced that unicorns exist, your question is like me asking you if you hate unicorns.

Do you Hate when they talk to you?
Christians very seldom actually talk TO me. They much more often talk AT me. Many just turn on a tape player in their heads and run it. They don’t show any interest in getting to know me as an individual. I’m just some kind of object, target, or goal to them. When they do actually talk TO me, I generally enjoy the conversation, and they seem to enjoy it too.

were you ever a christian?
No.

if so why did you stop being a christian?
Never was. You can read my short bio on the Contributors page on Friendly Atheist. Click the “Contributors” button near the top of the page, and scroll down.

What prompted you to start giving atheistic advice?
Several friends asked me to, and when I started, I realized that there is a tremendous need. Many, many non-believing people are being treated with appalling cruelty by religious people. Many non-believers want to have loving, respectful relationships with their families, friends, and lovers, but religion makes those people drive the non-believers away. I get hundreds and hundreds of heart-breaking letters, far more than I can ever answer.

were you treated badly by christians?
No. I am very fortunate to have not been mistreated by anyone. Many of those people who write letters to me have been treated badly by Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, believers in every religion. Once in a while a Christian writes to me because he or she is being treated poorly by atheists. I try my best to help them too.

if so not all christians are trying to force you to convert, somtimes you run into a major christian & somtimes you have a christian friend & there only trying to convert you because they a scared for you they don’t want there friends to go to hell, you should try reading a few storys from Jesus  freak and see what most christians would do for God its a good book try it. PLease get back to me on this & i dare you to read Jesus Freak it’s eye opening.

Megan, I fully understand and appreciate that not all Christians are trying to convert me, that not all are the dreadful people mentioned in the letters I receive, and that there are all kinds of Christians. They’re people. Like all categories of people, some are wonderful, most are ordinary, and a few are  seriously malevolent. Their wanting to “save” people is too often used to  justify imposing their will on others, and sometimes they are willing to do  reprehensible things. They would have much more credibility if they just lived  as examples of people emulating Jesus, rather than pretending that they’re  superior, and looking down their noses at everyone else. Sadly, it seems that  the more religious Christians are, the less Christ-like is their behavior.

Your daring me to read Jesus Freak does not make me interested. I am not interested in what people are willing to do for their gods. I am very interested in what people are willing to do for other people, without any reward in mind from Earth or Heaven. I’m interested in the wonderful things that people do for each other just because they’re people, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with religion.

I hope this answers your questions to your satisfaction, Megan. I wish you well. Please be good to people around you just because they’re human, and just because you’re human, regardless of what beliefs might be in their heads or in yours.

Respectfully,
Richard Wade

A day later, I received this from the same email address:

Hi I’m Donna (Megan’s mom) My 14 year old daughter who lives her life loving on others is the one who wrote  you. I didn’t know until I got this. I appreciate your response. If you are right then you are right and nothing happens. But if she is right then you will go to hell. And after reading the bible, hell is like pealing all the skin off your body and dumping hot water on  what is left of you And that is the reason she cares. She cries at night sometimes thinking about people like you and in fact I’m sure  your on her prayer list if she wrote to you

Sincerely,  Donna

Smile, see the beauty. Open your eyes wide to the the joy that is all around  you. You are a gift take a leap and be a gift to others as well (Jesus loves you…. And me:)

And my reply to her:
Hi Donna,
Thank you for responding. I admire Megan because of her compassion and her caring about other people. I hope that she can extend those qualities to people beyond the considerations of their damnation or salvation. I hope that she can express her love for people by doing things to help them in the here-and-now, and FOR the here-and-now.

I think it is unfortunate that she has been taught to believe in a god who would hide his existence very, very well and then torture people forever just because they could find no reason to believe he existed, regardless of how lovingly, caringly, and selflessly they lived their lives. That would be far more monstrous than the worst human being I have met or heard of. That would be a god not worthy of worship.

You brought up the question of if you’re right or if I’m right, also known as Pascal’s Wager, an argument for belief with very serious flaws that I won’t go into here. Okay, if you are right, then there are many, many people just as sweet and caring as Megan who will suffer in divinely designed agony, and Megan will spend eternity crying for them, unless a lifetime of this horrid belief has eventually left her pitilessly indifferent to the idea of outrageously disproportional infinite punishment for minor and finite human failings.

If you think that Megan will be spared this eternal grief for others in hell while she is in heaven by being put into a state of sublime bliss, then she will have been divested of very important and beautiful parts of her personality, which include her empathy, compassion, and loving kindness for others. Those are among the qualities that make her a unique person. If those were wiped out by heavenly bliss, then for all intents and purposes, the Megan you know and love will have ceased to exist.

If, instead of you or me, it’s the Muslims who are right, or the Hindus who are right, or the Zoroastrians, or any of hundreds of other religions that have used the threat of suffering to extort unquestioning belief from their members, then it will be you, and I, and Megan too who will be screaming side by side forever, despite the fact that we all lived our lives practicing loving kindness, fairness, and selflessness.

This is the barbarism of the damnation doctrine, a sadistic and cynical manipulation that dehumanizes people, steadily wearing down their natural empathy that you see so beautifully expressed but misdirected in young Megan. I hope that she can see through it before she becomes aloof and callous about human suffering in THIS life. Please just encourage her to be a good person, which is defined by what she does rather than what she believes.

Respectfully yours,
Richard Wade

A couple of days later I received this from Donna:

There is no question hell is going to be a horrific place, but what I believe will be most horrific about it we be the knowledge that the loving God, creator and master of the universe loved you so much He endured the penalty of your sin, humiliation and death on a cross, to save you for all eternity and you are rejecting that salvation, the salvation that is available to everyone.  At that point you will be more aware of your sin and how it hurt yourself and others and will know that your condemnation is just and all you had to do was accept the free gift of salvation offered by a loving, merciful, benevelant God; but you chose to reject it. Deep down, you know God exists. You can see his handiwork throughout all nature. No response is necessary to me, you are not answering to me or anyone else but God. So I pray you will reconsider your stance before you become painfully aware of the truth, and it is too late for you.

Once more I replied:
Hi Donna,
By your phrase “No response is necessary to me,” I take it that you don’t want to continue any further dialogue. I assure you that this is my last response, because the dialogue has already stopped.

In your first email to me, you showed me the respect to speak as a unique individual addressing and showing interest in me as a unique individual. But in this last email, you have done exactly what I had described to Megan, where Christians usually don’t talk TO me, they talk AT me with prerecorded messages, as if there is a tape player in their heads.

You have completely retreated from personal communication, and instead have sent me a series of cliché statements that you have heard and read elsewhere, and that I have heard and read literally hundreds of times, word-for-word. You have not responded directly to anything I have said to you. I have listened carefully and responded thoughtfully to you, but you have apparently not done that for me.  Receiving a message from a machine or a parrot has very little impact on me, or on any human being who actually thinks original thoughts and wants to communicate with other human beings who think original thoughts. This is why your message fails.

For you to tell me that “deep down I know God exists,” is just as arrogant, insulting, and  condescending as if I were to tell you that deep down you know that God does NOT exist. Fortunately, I have learned better manners than that, and I don’t pretend to be able to read people’s minds. I show them the respect to listen carefully, take them at their word, and respond carefully.

I wish you and Megan well. Goodbye.
Richard Wade

To the readers: Megan was apparently using an email address that is not exclusively her own, so I have very little confidence that she has been allowed to see even my first response directly to her. That is another reason I have published this.  Since she has read Friendly Atheist at least once before, she might be able to read this.

I’m grateful for your thoughts on any of this; how I handled it, how you might have handled it.

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Richard,

My 11-year-old son, Max, has asked me for advice, and I’m turning to you because I don’t know what to tell him. First a little background – I was raised in a very religious home and married his father when I was 18. We divorced a year after my son was born, and we have both since remarried. My ex and I still get along quite well and are on friendly terms. Even the fact that he is still very religious and I am very much not hasn’t been a major issue, although I feel that may not always be the case, especially after the conversation I had with Max this past weekend.

Max informed me that he doesn’t see any reason to believe in a god, as he doesn’t see any proof for one. This is, obviously, contrary to what his father believes, and that’s where he wanted the advice. Now, normally he’s with me on the weekends, but the few he spends with his father they go to church. Also, Max’s dad will ask him to pray at meal and bedtimes, and Max wants to know what he should do about that. He flat out told me that he’s scared to tell his dad what he thinks, as he’s afraid his father will be mad and/or sad about it. I’m at a total loss as to what to tell my son.

On the one hand I would like for my son to be able to be totally honest with his father. I don’t like the idea that he would try to keep something like this a secret, or that he would feel like he has to hide what he believes. At the same time, I worry that my ex-husband (along with my ex father-in-law), would attack my son’s beliefs. I fear that anything they would try to do to “save” him could be damaging. Max is very sensitive, and I don’t like thinking of him going through the things I went through when I came out as an atheist to my family – and I was an adult and no longer under their control at the time, so I know it was easier for me than it would be for Max.

I don’t know what to do. Do I encourage my son to remain closeted with his beliefs until he’s a little older and better able to deal with his father’s disappointment? Do I encourage him to talk it over with his dad, to get everything out in the open? Is this something I should try to get involved with as well, perhaps trying to set up a time for the 3 of us to meet on some sort of neutral grounds, in an attempt to be some sort of advocate for my son? I want to protect him the best I can, but I don’t know what will ultimately be best for him in the end.

Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Parents cannot have all the answers for their children, and when they don’t have an answer, it’s okay to honestly tell them so.

Eleven years old is pretty young to have to deal with this issue, but it happens when it happens, and it seems to be happening earlier with succeeding generations. Max has brought his dilemma to you because he doesn’t see an obvious easy solution. The difficulty he’s facing is painfully familiar to you, and you don’t see an obvious easy solution either. So you have in turn brought the dilemma to me.

I’m afraid that I don’t see an obvious easy solution either.

So I’m going to bring the dilemma back to Max. In terms he can understand, talk with him about all the things I’ll describe here. Most importantly, listen to him carefully, and do your best to make it easy for him to talk to you. It sounds like you’re already good at that. When you don’t know what to suggest, honestly say that. The two of you putting your heads together for a shared challenge will build a stronger bond, even if neither of you are coming up with immediate solutions. In the end, it’s that bond of caring and acceptance that he will need the most, rather than any particular strategy.

Children of divorced parents walk a narrow line, trying to follow their natural loyalties for both of their parents. When disagreements or conflicts arise between the ex-spouses, the children can sometimes become a rope in a tug-of-war between them, or worse, the children can be used as a weapon by one or both parents against the other. If the kids cannot freely talk to at least one parent about this bind they are in, they are forced to hedge, evade, and pretend. They can secretly feel guilty for being disloyal in some degree to both parents. They often learn to conceal their feelings from others in general, which can later make it tough to have close relationships. Eventually they conceal their feelings from themselves, which is not healthy.

Fortunately for Max, you and your ex-husband are on friendly terms so far, but nothing is as deeply divisive and unpredictably contentious as religion. It might be resolved amicably, or it might not.

Max needs to be able to openly express to at least one of you his conflicting loyalties, and know that he is still loved and accepted by the parent whom he tells. He already has that foundation with you. Whether or not his father is capable of that level of wisdom and maturity remains to be seen. The test will be when the truth comes out about Max’s belief, and it will come out sooner or later. Exactly how that happens might not be as important as when it happens.

Both you and Max are torn between the desire to be truthful and what both of you anticipate might be the consequences for telling the truth. Max is worried about his father’s anger at him, but he’s also worried about his father’s sadness. For many kids, having a parent be disappointed in them is worse than having a parent be angry at them.

Truthfulness is very important, but people should not follow the principle of truthfulness mechanically, without regard to other principles, including their right to protect themselves. Telling the truth exists within the context of the relationship between the teller and the listener. If the listener is not capable of responding to the truth in a way that honors the teller and the telling, then it may be better to withhold the truth until the relationship changes. The teller might need to become less vulnerable, and the listener might need to become more receptive.

Describe for Max what your experience of your own coming out to your family has taught you, and what your experience of your ex-husband has taught you. Let him know that you will love him and support him in whatever decision he makes about how to handle the situation. Let him know that he can take is time; there is no need to rush into a decision.

You are not being derelict in your moral teaching by letting him make the decision and letting him make it in his own time. You’re helping him to see that in life there are often no easy, clean solutions, and sometimes he must choose the least messy solution for the time being. By your example, you’re also teaching him to have compassion for others who are facing difficult dilemmas.

Whatever you do for Max should be with his agreement. He might want to leave it alone for now, and put up with praying and going to church. He might want you to be present at a three-way discussion with his father about these issues, as you suggested. He might prefer that you speak privately with his father about it first, and then let them talk it out.

Hopefully, whenever the time comes, his father will show himself to be mature, compassionate, patient, and above all, loving. But regardless of his father’s response, Max will have learned those qualities by working with you.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard

This is probably a little bit different than what you are used to answering, but this seems to be a sensible place to ask for advice. Recently, I’ve been facing some religious discrimination at the hands of my Atheist friends. I went to a very liberal Christian high school that accepted people of all religious beliefs, and generally, people were open and accepting of what others thought. There, I knew Buddhists, Atheists, Jewish people, and even a Muslim person. However, for whatever reason, the majority of my friends here at college have been non-religious.

I don’t proselytize, and I generally only talk about my faith when asked directly. However, since disclosing that I am a practicing Christian, I’ve been mocked, belittled, and talked down to by a few of my Atheist friends. I get remarks like, “I can’t believe that you actually think that” or “Oh, we’d better not talk about this- it would probably offend him.” It’s automatically assumed that I am an easily offended, narrow minded, Bible-thumping bigot. Naturally, being unfairly classified like this hurts quite a bit. I’ve tried turning the other cheek and responding in a non-confrontational manner, but this has not been very successful.

So, what steps can I take to convince my atheist friends to treat me like a human, regardless of my worldview?

Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,

My advice to you is essentially the same as I would give to an atheist being similarly treated by Christian friends, or any combination of friends with differing religious viewpoints.

You have tried the non-confrontational approach, and it has not worked, so call your friends out on it. Remember that confrontational does not necessarily mean boorish, uncivil, or rude. You can be confrontational but still be calm, gracious, and friendly. You can be cool-headed and warm-hearted even as you tell it the way it is.

With a composed and pleasant tone, tell them that you value their friendship, and you’d like it to continue, but lately their treatment of you is not what friends should do to each other. Cite specific examples of when they have been condescending, personally contemptuous, sarcastic, or they have incorrectly assumed negative things about you that are based on misconceptions.

Explain to them that there is a difference between respecting someone’s beliefs, and treating someone respectfully. They probably do not respect your beliefs, and you can understand that, but they certainly can treat you respectfully, just as you have been treating them respectfully, regardless of your differing views.

If you want to persuade anyone to change their treatment of you, appeal to the values that they already hold, rather than trying to get them to first adopt the values that you hold. Build a case that treating you respectfully is a reflection of the principles they hold in high esteem.

In the case of your friends, suggest that as atheists, they probably value skepticism. Skepticism involves refraining from jumping to conclusions or making assumptions without acceptable evidence. That includes not assuming that someone in a given category possesses all the characteristics of the stereotype of that category. Propose that they should practice good skepticism by looking for evidence in you before they assume things about you.

They can do this by asking you about your beliefs, your emotional reactions, and your social or political opinions. Assure them that you’ll answer their questions without a sermon. Point out that you don’t proselytize, and of course you will appreciate them not trying to do something similar to you.

Model for them how a person can change their attitude through open-minded investigation. If you can come up with a real example, tell them how you were once told that all atheists possess some particular loathsome characteristic, but because you have been friends with them, you know that that is incorrect. Challenge your friends to do the same thing with you. Propose a mutual pact, an assumption-free zone where all of you will abstain from pre-judging each other and will openly and safely talk to each other.

Some of them might respond by saying that they were just kidding or teasing. That might be so, but properly done, teasing is supposed to bond friends closer together. If it starts to divide friends, then it’s not being done right, and it should stop. A stronger foundation of mutual understanding, trust, and affection is needed before kidding or teasing can be a positive dynamic in a friendship. That foundation is built by exchanging questions and answers in a frank yet respectful way.

Friendships become deeper when friends give each other permission to be honest and frank, but that does not imply permission to be cruel. It’s possible for friends to have discussions where they clearly disagree without indulging in belittling, personal put-downs, or mockery of stereotypes that don’t apply. It’s important to also honestly say “Ouch, that hurts” when a friend’s honesty is clumsy, tactless or unnecessarily harsh. It’s also important for friends to forgive each other when they realize their blunder.

I understand that it’s not easy to confront people whom you care about, even in the amicable way I’ve described. If you feel too apprehensive about the prospect, you could simply show them this post with your letter and my suggestions. The fact that you wrote to a site called Friendly Atheist will probably blow away several of their assumptions about you, and it could start a more relaxed and productive conversation between you and them.

Jonathan, you sound like an interesting and caring friend, someone who would be a plus in any person’s life. I hope that things work out for you and your friends.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

In this letter, it is a daughter, her father, her brother, and her boyfriend who are the concealed atheists, and the feelings of a lone Christian, the mother, are the focus of the daughter’s concern. Instead of a dilemma between truthfulness and self-protection, this is a dilemma between truthfulness and compassion.

Note: Letter writers’ names are changed to protect their privacy.

Hi Richard,

I was raised in a somewhat Christian home, my family went to church together for a few years, then my father abruptly stopped going. I was active in youth group, but once high school ended, my enthusiasm waned. My wonderful boyfriend asked deep, thought provoking questions about my faith, and I found that it didn’t hold up to even the simplest scrutiny. I have since embraced science and critical thinking, and atheism as well. One of your previous posts actually prompted me to ask my father about his “faith”, and to my surprise he is also an atheist! As is my younger brother! Here’s what I need your help with:

My father has decided that we eventually all need to tell my mother. She knows my father is not a believer, and that has caused them some amount of strain in their 27 years of marriage. I think she thought she could convert him. My mother thought I kept going to church when I moved out with my conservative Christian room mate a few years ago, as I cited my lack of a vehicle as a reason why I stopped attending her church. She likely knows I have stopped going to church since I moved in with my boyfriend over a year ago… that confrontation was not pretty, she actually wrote me an e-mail on moving day about how my cohabitation was an affront to god. I am not keen to tell her about my apostasy, especially if it happens at the same time as my brother reveals his lack of faith. She has a VERY good support system in her church friends, but I wonder if maybe she won’t turn to them out of shame in what we have become. How can we cushion the blow if she thinks that her entire family will go to hell?

Thanks for your help,
Camille

Dear Camille,

Firstly, I commend you for your compassion and sensitivity for your mother’s feelings. You are a good example of how reason, rationality, and critical thinking do not banish loving kindness from a person’s heart. Things might be easier for you if they did, but then you’d be less the humanitarian and less the person that you are.

There are limits to what we can do and what we should do to protect people from the consequences of their own beliefs. The situations in each family differ, and so there is no set “best” way to handle predicaments like this, but if everyone continues to live a lie and play a charade to prevent one family member from being sad because of her religious beliefs, that is not going to last. The truth will come out in some uncontrolled way, and that will only result in worse emotional repercussions.

The four of you should take the time to discuss this carefully before you disclose your atheism to your mother as a group. One or two of you might not be as eager or as comfortable with the prospect as others. Give everyone a chance to express themselves, time to consider it, and to work past at least the worst of their hesitance. If someone is simply not ready, they should not be included in the disclosure. No one should be outed against their will if it can be avoided. Work out what you will say about each other to preserve their privacy.

The “blow” your mother feels at first might not be so much about the prospect that you’ll all go to hell; she might first suffer the impact of abandonment and loneliness. It sounds like she probably already feels alone in the family as the only practicing Christian, and this multiple “outing” will probably make her sense of isolation worse. Encourage her to continue with her good support system with her church friends. Assure her that you, your father, your younger brother, and your boyfriend will not do anything to discourage her beliefs or her personal religious practice, and you will not mock or ridicule her. You’ll all follow a live-and-let-live policy in the family. Gently make it clear that in return, she and her friends should leave your viewpoints about religion up to the four of you. Attempts to proselytize will not be welcome.

If she has considered it her task or duty to raise Christian children and possibly to convert her husband, then she might also feel the pang of failure. Emphasize her success in raising you to have integrity, to be honest, and to be caring. You’re demonstrating those character traits right there in the conscientious way you are trying to handle this situation. Don’t be shy about saying so, because you’re describing her good influence.

Regarding your mother’s fear that you’ll all go to hell, it’s probably best to avoid getting too deeply into a discussion of her beliefs, but you might suggest that the god she believes in does not have to live up to any human’s predictions. He is not bound by his own promises or threats; he can do whatever he wants. Suggest to her that the deepest and most complete faith she could practice would be to leave your fates up to her god, since within her belief system, your fates have never been up to anyone else anyway.

Frequently warm your dialogues with “I love you,” so that it is an explicit part of everything you tell her. Listen to her attentively, and interpret all of her worry or anguish as expressions of her love for you. Sincerely thank her for those every time.

Once the four of you are free of the veil of secrecy, it is natural that you’ll enjoy a relaxed camaraderie together. That is good, but be careful that it is not subtly exclusionary, giving your mother a sense of being left out or shut out. All of you should increase your efforts to involve her in family activities, going places, and fun times.

Although there will probably be some initial tension and tears, I think that in the long run, a caring honesty in place of pretense and secrecy will make it easier for everyone in the family to be themselves, and will promote a healthy flow of mutual love and respect. I wish all five of you well.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

Dear Richard,

Worried and Wondering

Dear Worried and Wondering,

A 14-year-old atheist in a family such as yours has much more at risk in coming out than a 24-year-old, and even they sometimes have reason to pause and carefully consider what would be the prudent thing to do.

We have lately been inspired by the courage and pluck of teens such as Jessica Ahlquist and Damon Fowler, who not only outed themselves as atheists, they also stood up to illegal religious activities in their respective high schools. Jessica and Damon have both faced very difficult backlashes from the public, including threats to their lives. But Jessica had one big advantage. She had the support of her parents and family. Damon discovered that he did not. According to this story, his family threw him and all of his possessions out of the house and left town. Fortunately for him, his brother was supportive and willing to take him in.

Both Jessica and Damon have received rewards for their courage and activism from atheist groups because their struggles were with public institutions, and so there was a great deal of media attention. Teens being kicked out of the house by their family, or more likely simply being made miserable by their family’s fear, anger and reactionary browbeating will probably not be able to count on that kind of attention or support.

You say that most members of your family are relatively mild in their religiosity, and that it’s generally the older generation, your grandfather and your great uncles and aunts who are the more devout ones. That might mean that you won’t face such extreme consequences as Damon did, but it still might mean some very unpleasant conflicts. Your closer relatives might pressure you to “toe the line” for grandpa’s sake, and that might be enforced with threats of disagreeable penalties.

Only you can determine the likelihood of these complicated contingencies, and even a family insider might find such predictions difficult.

If you decide to come out to your family, I suggest that you start with one person, whoever is the one you trust will be the most receptive, understanding, and discreet. That person might be able to help you determine who, when, how, and if you should tell someone else.

Avoid calling your atheism your “religion.” I assume that you meant that it is a strong and long-lasting conviction you have, rather than just a phase or a fad. If your family tries to dismiss it as such, don’t spend a lot of frustrating effort trying to convince them otherwise. It doesn’t matter what they think about that. What matters is what you think, and that you keep on thinking as clearly as you can. As time goes on and you remain true to your convictions, your family will have to face the reality that this is where you stand.

Keep all the rest of your conduct and performance to a high standard. Keep your school grades up, diligently do your family duties and chores, and generally stay out of trouble. You don’t want your atheism being blamed for failures in such areas. As ridiculous as that is, it seems to be common among religious families with a young atheist member.

If you decide to wait and not come out yet, then you’ll probably be required to at least attend the Easter service. I have suggested to young people in similar predicaments that they might reduce their frustration, boredom and discomfort by adopting what I’ve called the “undercover anthropologist” stance. Basically, think of yourself as studying a group of people from within their midst, just as western anthropologists do when they win the trust of aboriginal people in the rain forests and live with them to study their culture. It can give you some emotional separation, and you can find such observation interesting on an intellectual level. This would be better than sitting there thinking of yourself as nothing more than a helpless victim being forced to endure something.

I think you might be getting old enough to be a little more assertive with your grandfather if he wants to take you aside for some private prayer together. You might gently tell him that you prefer to contemplate such things by yourself and in your own way. This is a delicate matter on several levels, so think it over carefully.

I know you’re in a tough spot. You want to live according to your own convictions, yet you don’t want to cause upset in your family if it can be avoided. You love your family, and you also want to be true to yourself. You would rather not have to pretend that you believe and have to attend religious events, but you might have to face some undesirable reactions.

Find some peers. Find some discreet friends who have similar feelings and views. Be very careful to assure as best you can that they are trustworthy. You will be less tense at home if you have been able to share your thoughts openly with someone outside your home. There have been several attempts at discussion websites for young atheists, but they don’t seem to last. The most recently active one I found is Young Atheists, an Atheist Nexus site. Its latest activity was a month ago. DO NOT post your atheist views on Facebook. That will result in your being outed before you’re ready.

Face these challenges with patience and clear thinking. How you handle this will help to mold you into the both principled and pragmatic adult you want to become. Outing yourself is generally a one-way-only decision. Often the outcome is optimized not by how you do it, but by when you do it.

Please write again to let us know how things develop. As a community, we need to gather the wisdom and experience of as many of our members as we can, to best learn how to help ourselves and each other. We also simply care about you, and want to support you in whatever ways we can.

Richard

The issue of young people coming out is a huge section of the hundreds of letters I have received. Here are just a handful of other Ask Richard columns dealing with the same problem:

Atheist 8th Grader Wants to Confide to Someone in the Family
Young Atheist Considers Coming Out to His Grandparents
Young Atheist Considers Leaving Church and Coming Out
Family Finds Out, Shuts Out, Loses Out
Should I Come Out to My Parents? Letter 1 of 2
Should I Come Out to My Parents? Letter 2 of 2
Parents Rendered Deaf by the Word “Atheist”

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.

I just got back from my trip to attend the Reason Rally and the American Atheists National Convention. Someone who knows that I’m an atheist was curious about what the speakers said, and their very first question was, “Were they arrogant?”

Arrogant. Of the several tens of thousands of adjectives in the English language, I was being asked, yet again, about this one adjective that some atheists have earned once in a while, but which is far more frequently tacked onto their noun as if it’s a grammatical error to leave it off.

“Why,” I asked, “are you asking if they were arrogant?”
“Well, because I’ve heard some atheists talk, and they were arrogant.”

I felt, along with the sensation of blood pressure rising in my neck and ears, a rising surge of indignation, exasperation, and anger. Then, without deliberation or forethought my reply came flowing out of me, softly and slowly at first, then steadily rising in volume and velocity until it was loud and fast at the end:

“Yes. They were arrogant. They were very arrogant. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that they be given the same respectful treatment as civilized people give each other in general. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that they be judged by their behavior rather than by their beliefs. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that religious people who enjoy laws that protect them from discrimination not break those same laws by discriminating against atheists. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that religious people honor the Constitution that guarantees their freedom only because it also guarantees the freedom of those who disagree with their views. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that elected officials diligently represent the interests of all the people, not just those people who share the majority religion. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that laws and public policy be guided by clear, rational thinking, and based on verifiable facts rather than on conveniently ambiguous passages written on animal skins thousands of years ago, and used only to serve the selfish interests of pandering politicians and their financial backers. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that all women enjoy all the same rights and control of their personal lives as do men, in actual practice rather than just in theory, and that children be treated as human beings rather than as nothing more than investments in progeny, or the toys of exploitative clerics. They had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that adult couples have the right to marry and to be recognized as legitimate families in society regardless of their gender, without any restrictions dictated by ignorant nomadic tribal chiefs long since turned to dust. In short, they had the arrogance to not just request, but to demand that all humans treat all other humans HUMANELY! Yes! they were very arrogant! Unashamedly, unapologetically, wonderfully, inspiringly, COURAGEOUSLY ARROGANT!”
. . .

If any of that is going to be called “arrogant,” then I hope that a lot of it has rubbed off on me while I was among those thousands of atheists in Washington DC. If someone calls me “arrogant” because I have behaved like those atheists, then I shall feel deeply honored by the compliment.
_____________________________________

But it wasn’t all deadly serious; much of it was simply great fun, and I really enjoyed seeing friends again, such as the dynamo known as Hemant:

I shared a hotel room and had several adventures with my good friend Daniel Fincke, (left) author of the brilliant Camels With Hammers. The only thing that matches the depth of Dan’s mind is the warmth of his heart. We enjoyed the Rally and the post-Rally dinner with Ed Brayton, (right) who writes the very popular Dispatches from the Culture Wars.

After meeting her in California last year, it was good to see the awesome Jen McCreight again, who writes the equally awesome Blag Hag:

I got to meet the one and only PZ Myers, whose enormous readership at Pharyngula dominates much of the atheist blogosphere. He gave an excellent talk at the Convention about the incompatibility of science and religion. Hmmm. Shouldn’t he be wearing the black hat as the “bad atheist,” and I should have the white hat as the “good atheist”?

On Sunday and Monday at the American Atheists National Conference I met the legendary Greta Christina, who was, as she always is, very warm and gracious. Her speech was as incisive and insightful as is the incomparable Greta Christina’s Blog:

Finally, I was successful in finding Justin Vacula, who has taken up the challenge from my post, “Really, Really, Really Inoffensive Atheist Billboards,” and greatly improved on the idea by having an excellent bus ad designed with simply the word “Atheist.” on it. He submitted it to the publicly-funded bus company in his area, and they have refused to carry the ad. With the assistance of American Atheists, litigation is about to commence. You can read Justin’s well written installments about the ongoing controversy, which even includes threats to him by a bus driver, on Justin Vacula’s Blog. He and I enjoyed lunch together, and I was thoroughly impressed by his 100 mph mind, his broad interests, and of course his tenacity and courage.

These are just a handful of the admirably “arrogant” people I had the privilege to meet and to hear. I hope that I can emulate just a small portion of their energy, their integrity, their determination, and their demanding, unrelenting compassion.

Hi Richard,

I work in the animal health field in a large, progressive city so I don’t often get faced with situations like these, but when I do I’m never sure how to respond. Once upon a time I was a theist, but that way of thinking is so far behind me that I can hardly understand it anymore.

No small part of my job is discussing the quality of life of people’s beloved pets and helping guide them to what is right for them and the animal. Often this means discussing euthanasia, when it is appropriate to decline further diagnostics and/or treatments, and what to expect as death, natural or not, approaches. Most of the time religion doesn’t come into the discussions, which is fine by me. However occasionally people have asked me to pray or light a candle for their pet, and out of compassion for the person I will tell them I will keep them in my thoughts (which is true) but I cannot bring myself to lie to them and say yes.

On two memorable occasions I was confronted by clients who chose to keep their pets alive under palliative care (hospice) because they believed in miracles and thought that god would help them. Both times I was so floored I could make no response for a moment and then simply chose to ignore the comment in favor of repeating the veterinarian’s medical advice.

In other cases people have actually asked me if they will see their pets in heaven, or told me that the pet will be reincarnated and return to them. I never know how to respond to this and it is usually followed by awkward silence.

Other times I’ve come across clients who believe in woo woo “alternative” medicines, and these I actually find easier to deal with since I can say that I prefer to go with evidence based medicine. I usually elect to leave the doctor to discuss it, and make sure the client knows there are evidence based medical treatments available.

So much of what I do is based on not only the technical skills I employ, empathy for the animal and understanding animal behavior, but also in communicating the animal’s needs both psychological and physical, to the client. If the client feels that there is this awkwardness between us, I become a much less effective communicator since they now think they have a reason to not trust me. It is my duty to advocate for the animal and be its voice, but when people know or suspect you have such a radically different world view from them how do you do this? I simply can not connect with their worldview and do not know how to respond. The only thing I have I come up with is that for those who I now know are of the very religious mindset I do try to suggest to the shift leader perhaps one of my religious coworkers takes the case, but sometimes I still get thrown a curve ball.

Do you have any suggestions for how to handle these situations?

I thank you for your time and consideration.
–Cassie

Dear Cassie,

You’re already doing much of what I would suggest. You’re showing exemplary caring and sensitivity for the people whose pets are in your care. The fact that you feel awkward in these situations shows your desire to respond in honest yet helpful and compassionate ways, rather than sparing yourself that discomfort by being cold or indifferent.

People can worry and grieve over their pets just as intensely as they do over their family members. Very often their pets are family members as far as they are concerned, and in many cases pets are the only family that people have. The presence of pets to love and care for has long been observed to benefit the health of their owners, so in a very real sense, your patients are both the animals and the people who bring them to you.

Grave worry and grief sometimes bring out child-like emotions in adults. They feel helpless and vulnerable like children, and they want reassurance that they would otherwise not even consider to be important. The best way that other adults can respond is to suspend making any value judgments about that, and to simply attend to the temporary neediness with patience and kindness as best they can.

You are very skilled at recognizing animals’ needs and feelings. With language, people can be more directly expressive of their needs and feelings, but at the same time they can have conflicting motives that cause them to be reserved about expressing themselves clearly and frankly. Sometimes we have to guess more about our own species than we do about other species. So the challenge for you, which you’re already handling better than many people, is to look for the needs and feelings that are implied by their words, and not just the words themselves.

When people ask you to pray or light a candle for their ailing pets, they’re expressing their need to know that someone caring will be close to their pets when they cannot be. They hate having to leave their sick or dying pet in a veterinarian’s clinic overnight, because they’re accurately empathizing what their pet is feeling, just as you do as part of your job. Telling people that their pet will be in your thoughts is a good balance of honesty and diplomacy. To respond to the need that is implied by their words, you could add that you’ll make sure that their pet will be comfortable and will have caring attention from you and other staff while they’re there.

When people ask you if they’ll see their deceased pets again in heaven, they’re expressing their grief and longing. Your response can be both honest and compassionate. Say something like, “I don’t know, but it’s very clear that (your pet) was well and deeply loved while in your care, and I’m sure (your pet) loved you very much in return.” The “I don’t know” is your honest answer to their question, and the rest is your giving them what they really need, what is implied behind the question. They need to express to someone how much they loved their pet, and how much they already miss them. In the process of grief, simply being heard and understood by a receptive person is an important part of healing. By the way, this is one reason that we love our pets. They never tire of listening to us pour out our feelings.

I think you handle the people who talk about alternative treatments very skillfully, and I have nothing to add except to look for any implied needs similar to those that I’ve described above, which you could briefly acknowledge. Remember, you don’t have to fulfill these needs by actually solving the problem. Very often you can’t. You only have to acknowledge their needs and validate their feelings.

You can preserve the trust and rapport with your clients by focusing on the “worldview” that you do share; the emotions you recognize in them, your need to love and be loved, your familiarity with grief, and your instinct to comfort others who are in pain. Your and their differing opinions about deities, souls, and an afterlife are mere effete abstractions when compared to these primal and far more beautiful attributes that you and they have in common. Look for, listen for, and feel for those deep human commonalities, and I think your responses will be less awkward and more effective.

Richard

You may send your questions for Richard to . Please keep your letters concise. They may be edited. There is a very large number of letters. I am sorry if I am unable to respond in a timely manner.