In New Autobiography, Indonesian President Yudhoyono Recounts How Praying to Allah Conquered ‘Witchcraft’

Witchcraft is prohibited by Islam. Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono‘s government wants that encoded in law with a clause specifying that the use of black magic to cause “someone’s illness, death, mental or physical suffering” is a crime punishable by five years in jail and a $25,000 fine.

Good idea. If it wasn’t for such legislation, presumably everyone would be terrified 24/7 due to witchy things like this event, described in Yudhoyono’s new autobiography.

“Suddenly, my wife screamed,” writes Yudhoyono in the 900-page book, “Selalu Ada Pilihan” (There is Always a Choice). “There was this thick dark cloud hovering beneath the ceiling, trying to enter my bedroom. I then asked everybody to pray to seek Allah’s help. I closed the door to my room but left others wide open. The revolving clouds eventually headed out of my house.”

Could’ve been a smokey kitchen oven I suppose, or a dream, or a vision brought on by food poisoning or an adverse drug reaction.

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Alaska Senate Hopeful Kathleen Tonn Sings & Speaks in Tongues to Woman in Steam Room… and Posts Video on YouTube

Kathleen Tonn, a Republican senatorial candidate from Alaska, recently entered a steam room fully clothed and encountered a perspiring young woman wrapped in a towel. Tonn quickly found out that her captive audience of one, named Suzie, wasn’t an evangelical Christian, so she decided to unleash the power of the Lord to bring Suzie to Christ by singing and speaking at length — in gibberish tongues.

How do we know this? Because Ms. Tonn was kind enough to shoot a video of the encounter and upload it to YouTube. The caterwauling starts at 1:09. Suzie makes a brief appearance at 3:17.



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Illinois GOP Candidate Says God Put Autism and Dementia on Earth as Punishment for Marriage Equality and Abortion

Today, the Daily Herald rendered the invaluable public service of introducing us to two Chicagoland GOP candidates for November’s midterm elections. 55-year-old Susanne Atanus, especially, appears to be a real piece of work.

Voters in the Republican primary will have two very different candidates to choose from in the 9th Congressional District, as David Earl Williams III and Susanne Atanus vie for the right to face Rep. Jan Schakowsky in the fall. …

“I am a conservative Republican and I believe in God first,” Atanus said. She said she believes God controls the weather and has put tornadoes and diseases such as autism and dementia on earth as punishment for gay rights and legalized abortions.


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Finally, Convincing Evidence That Gay Marriage Does Cause Floods

Rushing to the aid of embattled U.K. councilman David Silvester, who recently claimed that being gay was “a ‘spiritual disease’ and that the country had been ‘beset by storms’ since the passing of the gay marriage bill,” British columnist Dean Burnett, tongue planted firmly in cheek, decisively explains the shocking meteorology behind gay couples getting hitched.

Logically, same-sex marriage leads to an increase in the number of weddings. Weddings invariably involve a large number of people congregating in one place, which leads to a lot of body heat and warming, and this heat enters the atmosphere, increasing the air temperature and producing more warm fronts.

People also cry a lot at weddings. This is likely to be even more pronounced at same-sex weddings, with the added element of recently achieved equality making the events even more poignant. Tears are basically water, which quickly evaporate, thus adding to the water content of the atmosphere.



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Today I Learned That Rich People Can Pay Cash to Improve the Odds of Certain Figures Becoming Saints

Among the financial reforms Pope Francis is undertaking within the Church and Vatican Bank, this one may be the most interesting:

This week, [Pope Francis] took another, less controversial step in that direction, calling for a “spending review” that includes settling on a cap for expenses tied to the canonization causes of would-be saints. In the past, critics charged that figures backed by well-financed supporters usually became saints more quickly than their more meagerly financed counterparts.

Two miracles, my ass. Who knew canonization was like the run-up to the Academy Awards? Turns out your friends just needed to slip a few Euros to the powers that be and voila! Sainthood.

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