Ted Cruz Explains Why Atheists Should Support Him While Urging Them to Find God

Last month, Iowan Justin Scott asked Republican Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz why atheists should consider voting for him.

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The response left a lot to be desired. Cruz went off on a monologue about how he hoped Justin would find God before eventually saying he supported freedom of speech and religious freedom. Even though, for Cruz, that amounts to supporting people like Kim Davis who want to use Christianity to deprive others of their civil rights.

Now, in an interview on CBN’s The Brody File, Cruz attempts to moderate his beliefs, saying he’s “not running to be Pastor-In-Chief” and that he’d be a good President for atheists, too:

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Ted Cruz Will Show the “Face Of The God That We Serve” to America, Says His Wife

Ted Cruz has made no secret of his religious fervor or political ambition during his campaign. His election to the presidency would be, to use his own words, “the Body of Christ ris[ing] up to pull us back from the abyss.”

The good news for Cruz is that it’s not just the Body of Christ that’s pulling for him. Apparently, he’s been chosen to represent the Face of God to the country, too.

And, no, it wasn’t Cruz channeling God’s divine intentions for him this time. It was his wife, Heidi.

She said as much in an interview with radio host Vince Coakley:

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I Never Want to Be an Angel

I was smoking my pipe at the edge of a park that had been infested with Word of Life preachers, when young girl approached me. She was about sixteen, short and cute and lightly pimpled. Full of confidence, she smiled, looked me in the eye and asked, “Are you sure you’re going to heaven?”

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I took a pull on my pipe — pipes are great for dramatic pauses — and said, “I sure hope not. All the good musicians are in hell. I like Handel’s Messiah and I’m sure the angels do a kick-ass version, but it would get tiresome after a few days. I want to hear Hendrix and Jerry Garcia and Stevie Ray Vaughn and Janis Joplin and Keith Moon and The Ramones, and I’m sure none of them are in heaven.”

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Bryan Fischer: Methuselah Lived to 969 Because He Was Protected by a “Vapor Canopy”

While there are many parts of the Bible that make people question its legitimacy, the age of Methuselah is a fairly simple one.

How the hell did someone live to the ripe old age of 969?

Don’t worry. Christian Right leader Bryan Fischer has a perfectly logical explanation.

It involves a vapor cloud and radiation and genetics. You know, science.

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Wisconsin Now Allows Pastafarians to Wear Colanders in Their Driver’s License Photos

When Michael Schumacher went to a DMV office in Wisconsin to get his driver’s license renewed, he wanted to wear a strainer on his head to honor the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

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They told him no… so he got a lawyer involved.

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