From Geek Goes Rogue TV Editor Zach Lorton, who has a hankering for swordfish:
Last Thursday, July 11th, I celebrated my 10th anniversary with my beautiful wife, Julie. As that was happening, the rest of the interwebs celebrated the “Sharknado” phenomenon. I may be late to the punch on this one, but only because there was no way I was going to watch “Sharknado” on my anniversary.
I DVR’ed it, though. Oh yeah.
And since there was such a huge web presence talking about it last week, SyFy is showing an encore presentation of the movie this Thursday night. Well, in case you haven’t been indoctrinated yet, or if you haven’t watched but are just as curious as the next person, I present to you my real-time review of the made-for-TV movie, “Sharknado”.
Hold tight. Spoilers, bad dialogue, and other stuff. But really, you knew what was coming.
0:01:05 – Opening. Countless fins in the ocean, a funnel cloud swirling over the surface of the water, and the Sharknado title just disintegrated from the force of the CGI winds. Could this give us a glimpse of what’s to come?
0:02:20 – Why is an anonymous Asian man in a suit drinking from a small bowl?
0:03:10 – Exactly how does this guy know there are 20,000 sharks heading their way? Oh, look, he’s got a gun. Asian guy looks nervous.
0:05:16 – Oops. Looks like a shark found a crewman. And he’s eating him like a snake would eat its prey, shoving him down its gullet. I don’t think this movie is going to be very accurate.
0:06:24 – Remember in Jaws how Robert Shaw’s character talked about the sea turning red? Well, the Sharknado has claimed its first official ‘nado victim, and the mist in the air turned red. Strap in.
0:07:05 – Note to screenwriters: T&A is not “scenery”.
0:08:36 – The ‘nado has a name — it’s David. So there are 20,000 Davids? …..aaaand John Heard gets grabby with the eye candy bartender.
0:10:46 – Two surfers, sitting on their boards, waiting for a wave. Ironically, this shot contains the calmest waters I think we’re going to see in the whole film.
0:12:40 – Okay, a guy just got bit by a shark while standing knee-deep.
0:12:49 – Oh, there’s the fin. He’s in the 4-foot section.
0:14:25 – “These sharks of yours have got no etiquette.”
0:14:55 – When he said, “We need a tourniquet,” and Eye Candy bartender in the bikini said, “Here, use this,” and reached behind her to untie something, I would not have been surprised if she had taken off her top. That’s where this movie seems to be heading. It was just her serving apron, though.
0:15:12 – “Sharks don’t like vegemite.”
0:16:55 – Okay, she’s WAY too eager to jump Ian Ziering’s bones. He’s your boss, girl. I guess she thought about taking her top off after all.
0:17:48 – No, News people, global warming is NOT the reason. Knock it off.
0:23:25 – Apparently, the ocean is flooding. The OCEAN.
0:25:13 – Shark through the window? Meet pool cue.
0:25:49 – All four of the characters we’ve been following grab weapons as they abandon the bar. Ian Ziering’s character, Fin, grabs a handgun, Eye Candy grabs a shotgun, and the Australian guy (why is there always an Australian in bad sea monster movies?) grabs a baseball bat. John Heard? He grabs his precious barstool. So far, he’s doing the best acting out of everyone.
0:25:59 – That man running away from the carnage in the middle of the crowd looks bored.
0:26:57 – Line that should have been used: “Smile, you son of a ….!”
0:27:32 – For future reference — if a ferris wheel is chasing you, and it can obviously go in only one direction, RUN IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION.
0:30:47 – Do you really think your energy is best spent identifying which kind of shark it is? THERE ARE SHARKS IN THE STREETS. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
0:38:00 – Okay, John Heard. Everyone knows that the 405 freeway in southern California is one of the worst highways in the country for gridlock. Even people who don’t live in L.A. and have NEVER been on that highway know this. And yet you suggested the 405 is the best way to Beverly Hills?
NOTE: Oh yeah, I’m blaming the actors for these bad lines, not the screenwriters. They should all know better, but at least the screenwriters aren’t having to say these lines themselves.
0:39:29 – Blood splatter on the windshield is tastefully wiped away by the windshield wipers. The most artistic part of the movie so far.
0:40:31 – Okay, John Heard just used his barstool to break a car window and rescue a golden retriever. All he has to do is get his arm bitten off by one of the sharks, then he can strap the stool to his arm and make it his new hand, Evil Dead II style.
0:40:38 – Wait! John Heard! You left your stool on the ground! Well, there go my lofty hopes for implausible action.
0:40:52 – Yeah, a wall of water just crashed over the freeway wall, dumping sharks onto John Heard, whose response was “Oh, crap!” Yeah, you know what should have followed that? ”I left my stool on the ground!”
0:43:34 – Okay, that piece of towel or whatever it is that’s stuck to their windshield wiper is really starting to drive me nuts.
0:44:32 – Aren’t sharks in a Sharknado supposed to come from the sky? What are they doing coming up out of the sewer?
0:51:32 – It just now struck me … does anyone else think the writers were lazy by naming the main character Fin?
0:52:48 – “Looks like it’s that time of the month.” Really, Australian Guy? REALLY??
0:55:14 – A house just disintegrated from all the sharks swimming through it, even though IT WAS UP A HILL.
0:57:14 – “The storm is dying down.” ”How can you tell?” ”Not as many sharks flying around.” Okay, I have to say, that was brilliant.
1:06:53 – A shark jumped out of the water and is chasing Fin UP THE ROPE. This doesn’t happen in the water.
1:09:16 – “My mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.”
1:15:45 – [Loud bang on car] ”What was that?” I’ll give you a hint. What’s long, has a few of the the main character’s first name attached to its body, and has been found EVERYWHERE you’ve been today?
1:16:42 – The car everyone’s riding in suddenly stops. ”Why did we stop?” ”It must be flooded.” Stop, you’re killing me, stop.
1:16:57 – I’m sorry, how exactly is a car supposed to explode, even with a fuel leak, when there’s no fire to be found?
1:20:19 – “Now we’re never gonna get to Van Nuys.” Trust me, lady, there’s nothing in Van Nuys worth your time.
1:30:44 – In a small airplane hanger, one young woman gets sucked out of a hole in the roof, even though nothing else in the room moved. Talk about an isolated storm system. *rimshot*
1:32:14 – “We can’t just wait here and wait for sharks to rain down on us again.” Well, heck, why not? You’ve made it this far on pretty much nothing.
1:32:50 – “Stand back. I have the key.” Eye Candy blasts a shot into the door of a supply closet that we later find has many tanks of propane inside. Turns out it’s a magic key.
1:36:31 – “Nobody thinks this is cool.” Wow. The layers of subtext…
1:38:18 – “They TOOK my grandfather. That’s why I really hate sharks.” ”Now I really hate sharks, too.” It almost writes itself, folks.
1:38:28 – I like how the bomb Australian Guy rigged has a winking smiley face on it.
1:43:30 – Is it me, or does Tara Reid look only about 10 years older than the guy playing her obviously 18-year old son?
1:45:28 – “We’re gonna need a bigger chopper.” Nope, sorry. Doesn’t work. Not even as an homage. This movie isn’t smart enough.
1:47:10 – Fin just held up a running chainsaw, and the shark flying towards him was bisected by it. Now, come on, that’s fun for everyone.
1:47:52 – According to the closed captioning (which is horribly wrought with grammatical errors, BTW), as a shark is gnawing on the Australian guy’s leg, the only thing he says is, “Why?” I’ll give you three guesses, Australian Guy, but I have a feeling you’re only gonna need one.
1:48:55 – “It’s about to tear through the city of LoaaAAAAHHH!”
1:49:50 – Shark falls out of the sky, rips off a young guy’s arm, who immediately screams. Then the same shark goes to work on his leg until, spitting blood, he passes out from the pain. Then a hammerhead shark lands on his head. Best death in the movie so far.
1:51:05 – We just torched your pool, old people. You’re welcome.
1:53:02 – So, while stabbing a shark that has grabbed onto the helicopter she was riding in (you know, as sharks will do), Eye Candy slips and falls out of the chopper, only to be immediately eaten by another flying shark in what has to be one of the best alley-oops I’ve ever seen.
1:56:25 – It’s rainin’ sharks. Hallelujah, it’s rainin’ sharks.
1:57:10 – Fin revs up the chainsaw and leaps INTO THE MOUTH of a flying great white. Not since Reign Of Fire have we seen something that wicked.
1:58:07 – Fin’s bloody exodus from the shark is like some sort of terrifying birth, especially since it’s the EXACT SAME SHARK that ate Eye Candy. And it’s been flying around for 5 minutes. But no matter, Fin’s got her in tow.
1:59:18 – “I really hate sharks.” PETA is going to crap its pants when it sees this movie.
1:59:30 – For some reason, this gaggle of old people coming out of the home reminds me of the gathering of gangs in The Warriors. Beware the night.
2:00:05 – Tara Reid kisses Fin, but not before painstakingly wiping the shark blood away from his mouth. Now that’s one of the few things in this movie that made sense.