Jokes

Remember jokes? Brief little stories with a funny ending? It seems to me that people don’t tell jokes any more like they used to. Instead they make snide remarks. Even comedians don’t tell jokes much today. Instead they make wry observations and tell about their experiences. So to kick off our Saturday blog, let’s bring back the art form of the joke. What jokes do you know? Ground rules: No jokes that are dirty, demeaning, or offensive. We want to help our president bring America together and banish the national gloom. So, take it away. . . .

About Gene Veith

Professor of Literature at Patrick Henry College, the Director of the Cranach Institute at Concordia Theological Seminary, a columnist for World Magazine and TableTalk, and the author of 18 books on different facets of Christianity & Culture.

  • http://castingoutnines.wordpress.com Robert Talbert

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One of them stops and says, “Wait! I left an electron outside!” The other says, “Are you sure?” To which the first one says….

    [wait for it...]

    “Yes, I’m positive!”

    Math/science jokes FTW. At least I think math/science jokes aren’t considered inherently offensive…

  • http://castingoutnines.wordpress.com Robert Talbert

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One of them stops and says, “Wait! I left an electron outside!” The other says, “Are you sure?” To which the first one says….

    [wait for it...]

    “Yes, I’m positive!”

    Math/science jokes FTW. At least I think math/science jokes aren’t considered inherently offensive…

  • Dave G

    To continue with the genre…

    A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are taking a train through Scotland. They travel through a pasture where they see a flock of black sheep grazing.

    The engineer says, “It looks like the sheep in Scotland are black.”

    The physicist corrects him: “Actually, we only know that some of the sheep in Scotland are black.”

    The mathematician chimes in: “No, what we really know is that there exists at least one pasture in Scotland, in which the sheep are black on at least one side.”

    (It’s funnier if you know some mathematicians…or rather, if you know at least one mathematician who behaves like this at least some of the time.)

  • Dave G

    To continue with the genre…

    A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are taking a train through Scotland. They travel through a pasture where they see a flock of black sheep grazing.

    The engineer says, “It looks like the sheep in Scotland are black.”

    The physicist corrects him: “Actually, we only know that some of the sheep in Scotland are black.”

    The mathematician chimes in: “No, what we really know is that there exists at least one pasture in Scotland, in which the sheep are black on at least one side.”

    (It’s funnier if you know some mathematicians…or rather, if you know at least one mathematician who behaves like this at least some of the time.)

  • http://farnham.tumblr.com Will

    Rene Descartes walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer. He drains it in about 30 seconds, and tells the bartender to line up another, which he also slams.
    “Get you another one, Mac?” the bartender asks.
    Descartes pauses for a moment. “I think not,” he replies, and then disappears.

    *rimshot*

    Also, no matter what you think of Garrison Keillor, the annual Prairie Home Companion joke show, which happens the weekend of or before April 1, is always well worth a listen.

  • http://farnham.tumblr.com Will

    Rene Descartes walks into a bar, sits down, orders a beer. He drains it in about 30 seconds, and tells the bartender to line up another, which he also slams.
    “Get you another one, Mac?” the bartender asks.
    Descartes pauses for a moment. “I think not,” he replies, and then disappears.

    *rimshot*

    Also, no matter what you think of Garrison Keillor, the annual Prairie Home Companion joke show, which happens the weekend of or before April 1, is always well worth a listen.

  • Greg

    There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.

  • Greg

    There are only 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who do not.

  • Dan Kempin

    So a guy drives by a remote farm with a hand-painted sign: “Talking Dog for Sale.” Out of curiosity he stops.

    “Dog’s in the back yard,” said the farmer, and the man walked around the house to see an ordinary black pooch.

    “You talk?”

    “Yup.”

    “What’s your story?”

    “Well,” said the dog, “I learned about my gift when I was very young, and decided to help my country by serving the CIA. They would put me in a room with foreign dignitaries, and they would talk freely because, well, I’m a dog.”

    He went on to tell a few hair-raising stories for which he received medals that were now buried in a secure location.

    “That’s a pretty stressful life, though,” the dog continued, “so after a few years I worked in an airport. Same sort of thing. I listened in on suspicious characters and told the authorities.” He told a few more stories and said they had a plaque in his honor at the terminal.

    “Now I’m getting old, so I decided to stay here, have some pups and retire.”

    The man, by now, was so fascinated with the talking dog and his amazing career that he decided he must have the dog, no matter what the cost. Shaking his head in utter amazement, he walked back around the house to talk to the farmer.

    “How much?”

    “Ten bucks and you can take him.”

    “What?” said the man in genuine shock. “Why would you sell a talking dog so cheap?”

    “Aw,” said the farmer, “that one lies. He ain’t ever been off this farm.”

  • Dan Kempin

    So a guy drives by a remote farm with a hand-painted sign: “Talking Dog for Sale.” Out of curiosity he stops.

    “Dog’s in the back yard,” said the farmer, and the man walked around the house to see an ordinary black pooch.

    “You talk?”

    “Yup.”

    “What’s your story?”

    “Well,” said the dog, “I learned about my gift when I was very young, and decided to help my country by serving the CIA. They would put me in a room with foreign dignitaries, and they would talk freely because, well, I’m a dog.”

    He went on to tell a few hair-raising stories for which he received medals that were now buried in a secure location.

    “That’s a pretty stressful life, though,” the dog continued, “so after a few years I worked in an airport. Same sort of thing. I listened in on suspicious characters and told the authorities.” He told a few more stories and said they had a plaque in his honor at the terminal.

    “Now I’m getting old, so I decided to stay here, have some pups and retire.”

    The man, by now, was so fascinated with the talking dog and his amazing career that he decided he must have the dog, no matter what the cost. Shaking his head in utter amazement, he walked back around the house to talk to the farmer.

    “How much?”

    “Ten bucks and you can take him.”

    “What?” said the man in genuine shock. “Why would you sell a talking dog so cheap?”

    “Aw,” said the farmer, “that one lies. He ain’t ever been off this farm.”

  • Dave

    Two quick jokes.

    How are a dog and a plum alike?

    They’re both purple, except the dog.

    A surgeon, expecting a busy day, calls up the barbecue joint. “What’ll it be?” “The usual.”

    We all know what he ordered, right?

    Spare ribs.

  • Dave

    Two quick jokes.

    How are a dog and a plum alike?

    They’re both purple, except the dog.

    A surgeon, expecting a busy day, calls up the barbecue joint. “What’ll it be?” “The usual.”

    We all know what he ordered, right?

    Spare ribs.

  • Pete

    Another talking dog joke:

    A man walks into the bar with his dog. He tells the bartender that the dog not only talks but is smart and can answer questions.
    “Let’s see what he’s got,” says the bartender.
    The man turns to the dog and asks, “What’s the top of the house called?”
    “Roof!” says the dog.
    The bartender looks skeptical.
    “Watch this,” says the guy: “Dog, what’s the stuff on the outside of the tree called?”
    “Bark!” says the dog.
    “Phooey,” says the bartender.
    “Okay – here’s another one – dog, if you’re golfing and you hit the ball into the grass that’s a bit longer, what’s it called?”
    “Rough!” says the dog.
    “Bah – this dog is a fake,” says the bartender. “Come on – get him out of here. Health department’s gonna be after me.”
    “One more,” begs the man. “This dog has culture – watch this. Dog, who’s the best composer of all time?”
    “Bach!” says the dog.
    The bartender has seen enough and has the bouncer evict the man and his dog from the premises. As they are leaving, the dog turns to his owner and says, “I dunno, maybe he thought it was Beethoven.”

  • Pete

    Another talking dog joke:

    A man walks into the bar with his dog. He tells the bartender that the dog not only talks but is smart and can answer questions.
    “Let’s see what he’s got,” says the bartender.
    The man turns to the dog and asks, “What’s the top of the house called?”
    “Roof!” says the dog.
    The bartender looks skeptical.
    “Watch this,” says the guy: “Dog, what’s the stuff on the outside of the tree called?”
    “Bark!” says the dog.
    “Phooey,” says the bartender.
    “Okay – here’s another one – dog, if you’re golfing and you hit the ball into the grass that’s a bit longer, what’s it called?”
    “Rough!” says the dog.
    “Bah – this dog is a fake,” says the bartender. “Come on – get him out of here. Health department’s gonna be after me.”
    “One more,” begs the man. “This dog has culture – watch this. Dog, who’s the best composer of all time?”
    “Bach!” says the dog.
    The bartender has seen enough and has the bouncer evict the man and his dog from the premises. As they are leaving, the dog turns to his owner and says, “I dunno, maybe he thought it was Beethoven.”

  • Rev. F. Bischoff

    A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this a joke?”

  • Rev. F. Bischoff

    A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Is this a joke?”

  • Bryan Lindemood

    What’s invisible and smells like a carrot?

    Bunny fart.

  • Bryan Lindemood

    What’s invisible and smells like a carrot?

    Bunny fart.

  • Kirk

    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scott are all drinking beer in a pub. Three flies come along and one lands and drowns in each of the three glasses. Seeing the fly in his beer, the Englishman slides it towards the bar tender and politely asks for a new pint. The Scott fishes the fly out of his beer, flicks it away and continues drinking. The Irishman lifts the insect out by its wings, holds it in front of his face and begins yelling “GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BAAACK!”

  • Kirk

    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scott are all drinking beer in a pub. Three flies come along and one lands and drowns in each of the three glasses. Seeing the fly in his beer, the Englishman slides it towards the bar tender and politely asks for a new pint. The Scott fishes the fly out of his beer, flicks it away and continues drinking. The Irishman lifts the insect out by its wings, holds it in front of his face and begins yelling “GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BAAACK!”

  • http://www.revneujahr.blogspot.com Troy Neujahr

    A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him crossly and says, “We don’t serve strings in this bar. Get out of here!”

    Next day the string walks back into the same bar and orders a beer. The bartender immediately sizes him up and says, “I told you yesterday that we don’t serve strings in this bar, now get out of here!”

    The day after the string heads back to the same bar. Just before going in, though, he loops himself around and then tousles his hair. Walks in and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Saaay . . . wait a minute. Aren’t you the same string I kicked out of here for two days in a row?”

    And the string says, “No . . . I’m a frayed knot.”

  • http://www.revneujahr.blogspot.com Troy Neujahr

    A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him crossly and says, “We don’t serve strings in this bar. Get out of here!”

    Next day the string walks back into the same bar and orders a beer. The bartender immediately sizes him up and says, “I told you yesterday that we don’t serve strings in this bar, now get out of here!”

    The day after the string heads back to the same bar. Just before going in, though, he loops himself around and then tousles his hair. Walks in and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Saaay . . . wait a minute. Aren’t you the same string I kicked out of here for two days in a row?”

    And the string says, “No . . . I’m a frayed knot.”

  • http://thirstytheologian.com David Kjos

    Oh, you’re going to regret this …
    __________

    A movie production company was filming on location in a remote village in a third-world nation. During the filming, they hired a several locals as manual laborers. Some were even given parts as extras.

    One young man became so caught up in the excitement of it all that, when the filming was done and the cast and crew packed up to leave, he finagled a job and, without telling anyone or obtaining his family’s permission, got on the bus with the cast and headed off to the airport, California bound.

    He had not gotten far, however, when his family discovered what he had done and took off in hot pursuit, with many other villagers joining the chase. They soon caught up to the bus and forced it to pull over, ordering everyone off the bus. The angry villagers surrounded the group of frightened actors and began picking up stones.

    However, while acting as a mob is relatively easy and requires little courage, no individual could bring himself to throw a rock. Finally, the village leaders brought the young man’s father to the front of the crowd and said, “Let he who is without son stone the cast first!”
    __________

    An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a teepee made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

    Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

    “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

    The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
    __________

    A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, with tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, fluids dripping, etc.

    A couple of weeks passed before one of them had the strength to turn towards the other and say:

    “Scottish.”

    The other turned his head slowly and said:

    “Irish.”

    This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say:

    “Glasgow.”

    Again the second replied in a frail voice:

    “Dublin.”

    Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to force out the word:

    “Jimmy.”

    Replied the other:

    “Paddy.”

    A few hours later, Jimmy managed just enough strength to rasp out weakly:

    “Cancer.”

    Paddy responded:

    “Sagittarius.”

  • http://thirstytheologian.com David Kjos

    Oh, you’re going to regret this …
    __________

    A movie production company was filming on location in a remote village in a third-world nation. During the filming, they hired a several locals as manual laborers. Some were even given parts as extras.

    One young man became so caught up in the excitement of it all that, when the filming was done and the cast and crew packed up to leave, he finagled a job and, without telling anyone or obtaining his family’s permission, got on the bus with the cast and headed off to the airport, California bound.

    He had not gotten far, however, when his family discovered what he had done and took off in hot pursuit, with many other villagers joining the chase. They soon caught up to the bus and forced it to pull over, ordering everyone off the bus. The angry villagers surrounded the group of frightened actors and began picking up stones.

    However, while acting as a mob is relatively easy and requires little courage, no individual could bring himself to throw a rock. Finally, the village leaders brought the young man’s father to the front of the crowd and said, “Let he who is without son stone the cast first!”
    __________

    An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a teepee made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

    Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.

    “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?”

    The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”
    __________

    A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, with tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, fluids dripping, etc.

    A couple of weeks passed before one of them had the strength to turn towards the other and say:

    “Scottish.”

    The other turned his head slowly and said:

    “Irish.”

    This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say:

    “Glasgow.”

    Again the second replied in a frail voice:

    “Dublin.”

    Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to force out the word:

    “Jimmy.”

    Replied the other:

    “Paddy.”

    A few hours later, Jimmy managed just enough strength to rasp out weakly:

    “Cancer.”

    Paddy responded:

    “Sagittarius.”

  • Jon

    Three pigs roll in the mud…

    Oh wait. That’s a dirty joke!

  • Jon

    Three pigs roll in the mud…

    Oh wait. That’s a dirty joke!

  • Arfies

    A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Joys and Concerns session one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

    “I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

    The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. “Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

    “Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”

    A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

    Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: “My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

    “That word is: STERNUM!”

  • Arfies

    A woman named Jill stood up at her church’s Joys and Concerns session one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

    “I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum.”

    The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. “Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he’s in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can’t lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need.

    “Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.”

    A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, “there but for the grace of God go I.”

    Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: “My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill.

    “That word is: STERNUM!”

  • http://www.toddstadler.com/ tODD

    I liked Dave’s (@2) and Dan’s (@5) jokes. I don’t have any stock jokes, but here are a few I can remember that I do like.

    Two eggs were sitting in a frying pan.

    “Man, it is hot in here!” said the first egg.

    The second one replied, “Aaaah! A talking egg!!”

    I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone! And also my collection of giant marshmallows!

  • http://www.toddstadler.com/ tODD

    I liked Dave’s (@2) and Dan’s (@5) jokes. I don’t have any stock jokes, but here are a few I can remember that I do like.

    Two eggs were sitting in a frying pan.

    “Man, it is hot in here!” said the first egg.

    The second one replied, “Aaaah! A talking egg!!”

    I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone! And also my collection of giant marshmallows!

  • Bruce Gee

    Four fellas in a car drove into a lumber yard. One got out, walked into the store, went up to the counter, and said to the counter guy, “We need to buy some four by twos.”
    The counter guy said, “Ya mean two by fours, don’t you?”
    “Just a minute, I’ll go find out.”
    Fella walks back out to the car, the window gets rolled down, they talk a bit, and he then walks back in, up to the counter guy.
    “Yeah, you’re right. We need to buy some two by fours.”
    “Well, how long do you need them?” asks the counter guy.
    “Just a minute, I’ll go find out.”
    Back out to the car, the window once again rolled down, the question considered, and then back into the store and up to the counter ho goes.
    “Well, for quite a while, I guess. We’re building a house.”

  • Bruce Gee

    Four fellas in a car drove into a lumber yard. One got out, walked into the store, went up to the counter, and said to the counter guy, “We need to buy some four by twos.”
    The counter guy said, “Ya mean two by fours, don’t you?”
    “Just a minute, I’ll go find out.”
    Fella walks back out to the car, the window gets rolled down, they talk a bit, and he then walks back in, up to the counter guy.
    “Yeah, you’re right. We need to buy some two by fours.”
    “Well, how long do you need them?” asks the counter guy.
    “Just a minute, I’ll go find out.”
    Back out to the car, the window once again rolled down, the question considered, and then back into the store and up to the counter ho goes.
    “Well, for quite a while, I guess. We’re building a house.”

  • http://caughtnottaught.blogspot.com ED… (who blogs at Sincere Ignorance and Conscientious Stupidity)

    Why did the crow? Caws.

  • http://caughtnottaught.blogspot.com ED… (who blogs at Sincere Ignorance and Conscientious Stupidity)

    Why did the crow? Caws.

  • Peter Leavitt

    An American couple are at dinner in Ronda, Spain having a glass of wine
    At another table they see a delicious dish of pasta with very large, delicious, meat balls being served.
    They ask the waiter if they may have the same dish.
    The waiter informs them that this is a single dish, made possible by today’s bullfight. “You may make such an order for next evening.”
    Next evening they are served a lovely dish of pasta with tiny meat balls, causing a strenuous complaint to the waiter who replies:
    “But, Senor, sometimes de bull wins.”

  • Peter Leavitt

    An American couple are at dinner in Ronda, Spain having a glass of wine
    At another table they see a delicious dish of pasta with very large, delicious, meat balls being served.
    They ask the waiter if they may have the same dish.
    The waiter informs them that this is a single dish, made possible by today’s bullfight. “You may make such an order for next evening.”
    Next evening they are served a lovely dish of pasta with tiny meat balls, causing a strenuous complaint to the waiter who replies:
    “But, Senor, sometimes de bull wins.”

  • Bruce Gee

    All right Leavitt. You want to hang your toes over the line, eh? Try this:

    Once upon a time an ant and an elephant met, fell instantly in love, and spent the entire night in loving embrace.
    The next morning the ant woke up, and the elephant was dead.
    “Oh, oh! Just my luck!” cried the ant. “One night of passion, and I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave!”

  • Bruce Gee

    All right Leavitt. You want to hang your toes over the line, eh? Try this:

    Once upon a time an ant and an elephant met, fell instantly in love, and spent the entire night in loving embrace.
    The next morning the ant woke up, and the elephant was dead.
    “Oh, oh! Just my luck!” cried the ant. “One night of passion, and I get to spend the rest of my life digging a grave!”

  • http://mesamike.org Mike Westfall

    Q. How do get fresh air into an Eastern Orthodox church?
    A. Double-click an icon to open a window.

  • http://mesamike.org Mike Westfall

    Q. How do get fresh air into an Eastern Orthodox church?
    A. Double-click an icon to open a window.

  • http://www.bikebubba.blogspot.com Bike Bubba

    Following Will’s contribution;

    Rene Descartes’ horse then walks and asks for a beer, to which the barkeep says “Can’t do that. It would be putting Decartes before the horse.”

    Truly awful contribution:

    Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

    Interesting serious side note; I learned a lot of my truly awful jokes from one of the guys who led me to Christ. If you ever get to spend a few hours around me, I can tell you the Green Gorilla joke, the murdering orchestra director joke, or the Red Roman brick barbeque joke.

    You’re it.

  • http://www.bikebubba.blogspot.com Bike Bubba

    Following Will’s contribution;

    Rene Descartes’ horse then walks and asks for a beer, to which the barkeep says “Can’t do that. It would be putting Decartes before the horse.”

    Truly awful contribution:

    Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

    Interesting serious side note; I learned a lot of my truly awful jokes from one of the guys who led me to Christ. If you ever get to spend a few hours around me, I can tell you the Green Gorilla joke, the murdering orchestra director joke, or the Red Roman brick barbeque joke.

    You’re it.

  • EGK

    As the Monist said to the hot dog vendor, “Make me one with everything.”

  • EGK

    As the Monist said to the hot dog vendor, “Make me one with everything.”

  • http://theoldadam.wordpress.com/ Steve Martin

    What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?

    Flood lights.

  • http://theoldadam.wordpress.com/ Steve Martin

    What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?

    Flood lights.

  • John C

    A man storms into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a tennis ball.”
    The psychiatrist looks up from his desk and says, ” Wait outside, I’ll serve you later”.

  • John C

    A man storms into a psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a tennis ball.”
    The psychiatrist looks up from his desk and says, ” Wait outside, I’ll serve you later”.

  • http://www.brandywinebooks.net Lars Walker

    Ole and Sven hired an airplane and pilot to take them to Alaska to hunt caribou. The pilot left them and returned in a week, to find them waiting at the rendezvous point with a dozen caribou they’d shot.

    “This plane isn’t rated for that much cargo,” the pilot told them. “You’ll have to leave some of the animals behind.”

    Ole and Sven threw a fit. “Las’ year ve hired anudder pilot vit’ da very same airplane, and he floo us out!” they said.

    The pilot still refused, but after a long while he relented, and they loaded all the caribou into the plane and took off.

    The plane struggled to keep altitude and, shortly afterward, plunged and crashed.

    Ole and Sven dragged themselves out of the wreckage. “Vhere do ya t’ink ve are?” asked Ole.

    “Oh, I t’ink ve’re yust about vhere ve vere vhen ve crashed las’ year,” said Sven.

  • http://www.brandywinebooks.net Lars Walker

    Ole and Sven hired an airplane and pilot to take them to Alaska to hunt caribou. The pilot left them and returned in a week, to find them waiting at the rendezvous point with a dozen caribou they’d shot.

    “This plane isn’t rated for that much cargo,” the pilot told them. “You’ll have to leave some of the animals behind.”

    Ole and Sven threw a fit. “Las’ year ve hired anudder pilot vit’ da very same airplane, and he floo us out!” they said.

    The pilot still refused, but after a long while he relented, and they loaded all the caribou into the plane and took off.

    The plane struggled to keep altitude and, shortly afterward, plunged and crashed.

    Ole and Sven dragged themselves out of the wreckage. “Vhere do ya t’ink ve are?” asked Ole.

    “Oh, I t’ink ve’re yust about vhere ve vere vhen ve crashed las’ year,” said Sven.

  • Mark M.

    What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Lutheran?

    Someone who comes to your door and doesn’t say anything.

  • Mark M.

    What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Lutheran?

    Someone who comes to your door and doesn’t say anything.

  • Adam Hensley

    A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says: “Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?”
    The grasshopper replied: “What, Harry?”

  • Adam Hensley

    A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the barman says: “Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?”
    The grasshopper replied: “What, Harry?”

  • Pete

    A man walks into a surgeon’s office one evening.

    “Doctor, can you help me? I think I’m a moth,” he says.

    “Well, not really. I’m a surgeon, you see, and what you need is a psychiatrist,” replies the doctor.

    “I know that, doctor, but I saw your light on.”

  • Pete

    A man walks into a surgeon’s office one evening.

    “Doctor, can you help me? I think I’m a moth,” he says.

    “Well, not really. I’m a surgeon, you see, and what you need is a psychiatrist,” replies the doctor.

    “I know that, doctor, but I saw your light on.”

  • http://www.blkandred.com J. Thomas Hunter

    My Latin tutor told me this joke. He said it sounds best in its original Flemish.

    An elderly priest could not bear to hear the confessions of female congregants if they were confessing marital infidelity. He insisted, instead, for them to simply say that they slipped and fell on the sidewalk in front of the drugstore, and he knew that as the euphemism for unfaithfulness. For years women confessed slipping on that sidewalk and the priest granted absolution until he grew too old to serve his flock.

    A younger replacement was sent to relieve the old priest and a celebration at the church was scheduled upon the young priest’s arrival. On his way to his retirement home many miles away, the old priest ran into the town mayor and the two talked about the arrival of the new young priest.

    “Oh, Mr. Mayor,” the old priest shouted, “there is something you absolutely must tell the new priest before his first confession!” He proceeded to tell the mayor about the infidelity code and the mayor found it to be quite funny.

    When the new priest arrived the festivities were lively. In the excitement, the mayor forgot all about telling the young priest the infidelity code. As a result, the young priest was very confused when hoards of women for weeks confessed slipping on a sidewalk in front of the drugstore!

    Concerned, and civics-minded, the young priest went to the mayor to complain.

    “Mr. Mayor,” the young priest exclaimed, “you simply must do something about that sidewalk in front of the drugstore! Women are slipping and falling on it every single day!”

    The mayor, remembering what the old priest told him, could not control his laughter.

    The young priest wagged his finger and said, “You shouldn’t laugh, Mr. Mayor, your own wife slipped twice last week!”

    As you can imagine, the mayor’s demeanor changed instantly.

  • http://www.blkandred.com J. Thomas Hunter

    My Latin tutor told me this joke. He said it sounds best in its original Flemish.

    An elderly priest could not bear to hear the confessions of female congregants if they were confessing marital infidelity. He insisted, instead, for them to simply say that they slipped and fell on the sidewalk in front of the drugstore, and he knew that as the euphemism for unfaithfulness. For years women confessed slipping on that sidewalk and the priest granted absolution until he grew too old to serve his flock.

    A younger replacement was sent to relieve the old priest and a celebration at the church was scheduled upon the young priest’s arrival. On his way to his retirement home many miles away, the old priest ran into the town mayor and the two talked about the arrival of the new young priest.

    “Oh, Mr. Mayor,” the old priest shouted, “there is something you absolutely must tell the new priest before his first confession!” He proceeded to tell the mayor about the infidelity code and the mayor found it to be quite funny.

    When the new priest arrived the festivities were lively. In the excitement, the mayor forgot all about telling the young priest the infidelity code. As a result, the young priest was very confused when hoards of women for weeks confessed slipping on a sidewalk in front of the drugstore!

    Concerned, and civics-minded, the young priest went to the mayor to complain.

    “Mr. Mayor,” the young priest exclaimed, “you simply must do something about that sidewalk in front of the drugstore! Women are slipping and falling on it every single day!”

    The mayor, remembering what the old priest told him, could not control his laughter.

    The young priest wagged his finger and said, “You shouldn’t laugh, Mr. Mayor, your own wife slipped twice last week!”

    As you can imagine, the mayor’s demeanor changed instantly.

  • http://theoldadam.wordpress.com/ Steve Martin

    Mark M.,

    Nice one!!

  • http://theoldadam.wordpress.com/ Steve Martin

    Mark M.,

    Nice one!!

  • http://www.toddstadler.com/ tODD

    I don’t imagine that Mitch Hedberg has much of a following among commenters here — in addition to being a drug-user, he’s now dead (of drug abuse) and I didn’t get into his humor until I’d already heard he’d died. But I do think he’s a counterexample to Veith’s claim that “comedians don’t tell jokes much today” — though I suppose that Hedberg’s humor has something postmodern about it, that isn’t merely about telling jokes. Can’t put my finger on it, but I did like these snippets from his acts, which I will proceed to quote way too much:

    When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. “Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.” But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.

    I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too.

    This shirt is “dry-clean only”, which means it’s … dirty.

    One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Man, every picture is of you when you were younger.

    I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

    If you find yourself lost in the woods, [screw] it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”

    I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

    I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’” And that to me was kinda worse… in a way… ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

    When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to [care]. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You [people] are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes!

    You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. “Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.” It’s too many letters, man. “Hello?” “Hold on, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!”

    I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

    Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

    I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake!

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

    I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit!

    Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

    I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again”, because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. “Come on Mitch, don’t give up… please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!”

    Foosball [screwed] up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can’t do a backflip, much less several… simultaneously with two other guys… that look just like me.

    I used to live here in Los Angeles… and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing… it’s just flat!”

    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

  • http://www.toddstadler.com/ tODD

    I don’t imagine that Mitch Hedberg has much of a following among commenters here — in addition to being a drug-user, he’s now dead (of drug abuse) and I didn’t get into his humor until I’d already heard he’d died. But I do think he’s a counterexample to Veith’s claim that “comedians don’t tell jokes much today” — though I suppose that Hedberg’s humor has something postmodern about it, that isn’t merely about telling jokes. Can’t put my finger on it, but I did like these snippets from his acts, which I will proceed to quote way too much:

    When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. “Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.” But I like crackers man, that’s why I bought it, ’cause I like crackers! I don’t see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates! You’ve got no faith in the product itself.

    I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, “I hear music”, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You’re not special, that’s how I receive it too.

    This shirt is “dry-clean only”, which means it’s … dirty.

    One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Man, every picture is of you when you were younger.

    I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

    If you find yourself lost in the woods, [screw] it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”

    I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

    I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders… and that was sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’” And that to me was kinda worse… in a way… ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

    When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say “Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two.” But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to [care]. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You [people] are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry. That’s a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes!

    You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. “Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.” It’s too many letters, man. “Hello?” “Hold on, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!”

    I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,”Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.

    Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

    I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake!

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

    I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit!

    Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets!

    I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said “please try again”, because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. “Come on Mitch, don’t give up… please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!”

    Foosball [screwed] up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball, and then spin around and round. I can’t do a backflip, much less several… simultaneously with two other guys… that look just like me.

    I used to live here in Los Angeles… and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say, “Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing… it’s just flat!”

    I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

  • http://www.stjohnsmontello.org Richard P. Janke

    The answers is: 9W

    The question is: Do you spell your name with a ‘V’ Mr. Wagner?

  • http://www.stjohnsmontello.org Richard P. Janke

    The answers is: 9W

    The question is: Do you spell your name with a ‘V’ Mr. Wagner?

  • http://www.scyldingsinthemeadhall.blogspot.com The Scylding

    Three people, an accountant, an engineer and a mathematician are each given 100m (sorry, this is a metric joke) of fence, and told to fence in the largest possible area.

    The accountant creates a square, 25m aside, and says – this is the largest I can manage.

    The engineer takes the fence and creates a circle with a 100 m circumfrance, saying – this is the largest area possible.

    The mathematician takes 1 m of fence, encloses himself, and then says: I declare myself to be on the outside!

  • http://www.scyldingsinthemeadhall.blogspot.com The Scylding

    Three people, an accountant, an engineer and a mathematician are each given 100m (sorry, this is a metric joke) of fence, and told to fence in the largest possible area.

    The accountant creates a square, 25m aside, and says – this is the largest I can manage.

    The engineer takes the fence and creates a circle with a 100 m circumfrance, saying – this is the largest area possible.

    The mathematician takes 1 m of fence, encloses himself, and then says: I declare myself to be on the outside!

  • Orianna Laun

    How many elephants can you fit in a Honda? 4: 2 in the front, and 2 in the back.

    How do you know there’s been an elephant in your fridge? A set of footprints in the butter.
    How do you know there’s been 2 elephants in your fridge? Two sets of footprints in the butter.
    How do you know there’s been 3 elephants in your fridge? Three sets of footprints in the butter.
    How dow you know there’s been 4 elephants in your fridge? [Wait for it. . .]
    There’s a Honda parked outside.

  • Orianna Laun

    How many elephants can you fit in a Honda? 4: 2 in the front, and 2 in the back.

    How do you know there’s been an elephant in your fridge? A set of footprints in the butter.
    How do you know there’s been 2 elephants in your fridge? Two sets of footprints in the butter.
    How do you know there’s been 3 elephants in your fridge? Three sets of footprints in the butter.
    How dow you know there’s been 4 elephants in your fridge? [Wait for it. . .]
    There’s a Honda parked outside.

  • TE Schroeder

    The optimist says, “The glass is half full.”

    The pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”

    The engineer says, “It looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.”

    ———–
    “Two Swedes, Ole and Sven, were out one day…..”

    Wait. That is not right. We live in a more enlightened culture than that. We should not tell ethnic jokes here. It is out of place to mock cultures or races. It is not good to insult people like that.

    Perhaps a solution is to pick on a society or culture that no longer exists. How about the Hittites? Who will be offended if we tell a “Hittite” joke? There aren’t anymore Hittites around, right? So, in that spirit…..

    “Two Hittites, Ole and Sven, were out one day…..”

  • TE Schroeder

    The optimist says, “The glass is half full.”

    The pessimist says, “The glass is half empty.”

    The engineer says, “It looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.”

    ———–
    “Two Swedes, Ole and Sven, were out one day…..”

    Wait. That is not right. We live in a more enlightened culture than that. We should not tell ethnic jokes here. It is out of place to mock cultures or races. It is not good to insult people like that.

    Perhaps a solution is to pick on a society or culture that no longer exists. How about the Hittites? Who will be offended if we tell a “Hittite” joke? There aren’t anymore Hittites around, right? So, in that spirit…..

    “Two Hittites, Ole and Sven, were out one day…..”

  • Paul E.

    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

    Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

    Greenskeeper: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

    The group was silent for a moment.

    Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

    Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

    Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

  • Paul E.

    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

    Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

    Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!

    Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?

    Greenskeeper: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

    The group was silent for a moment.

    Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

    Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.

    Engineer: Why can’t these guys play at night?

  • Manxman

    An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber’s face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation.

    He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber shoots him, too. Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Did anyone else see me face?” calls the robber.

    There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat and says, “I think me wife over there might have caught a glimpse…..”

  • Manxman

    An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber’s face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation.

    He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber shoots him, too. Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Did anyone else see me face?” calls the robber.

    There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat and says, “I think me wife over there might have caught a glimpse…..”

  • Manxman

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

  • Manxman

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to squabble over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17639370291865261582 Cindy R.

    These are all by comedian Demetri Martin.

    I wanna launch a globe into space, just to mess with astronauts.

    I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

    I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

    If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

    It was really hot this past summer in New York, where I live. I woke up and it was one of those really hot days. I decided I’d go to the beach. But it was too far, so I decided to go to Central Park instead. Besides, I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic, but beautiful. Apparently the leader got a cramp, and they were pretty hardcore.

    I’m gonna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make ‘em live together.

    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

    ‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!”

    A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. “Dude, make a left.” “Those are trees. Trust me.”

    Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

    I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’

    I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

    I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, ‘That’s cool’. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, ‘That’s not cool’. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about… leather sleeves.

    Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

    There’s a saying that goes “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones.” That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though. If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah.

    I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    I was on the street and I saw a friend of a mine, all of a sudden, I hadn’t seen in years. Guy named Dean. We went to high school together. Last time I saw him was like five years earlier when Dean and I were doing a roofing job together on top of a forty-story building. He started talking crazy that day, and he goes, “I can’t take it, man,” and he got up on the ledge, and he jumped.Just after he jumped I looked down, and I noticed that Trampoline Emporium was having a sidewalk sale that day. Dean landed right on one of the trampolines, and bounced back up forty stories to where I was standing. And just as he floated up he said to me, “You know, I think a lot of your joke premises are contrived and hard to believe.”

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17639370291865261582 Cindy R.

    These are all by comedian Demetri Martin.

    I wanna launch a globe into space, just to mess with astronauts.

    I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’

    I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

    If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

    It was really hot this past summer in New York, where I live. I woke up and it was one of those really hot days. I decided I’d go to the beach. But it was too far, so I decided to go to Central Park instead. Besides, I hadn’t been to the beach since the summer the synchronized swimming team drowned. It was tragic, but beautiful. Apparently the leader got a cramp, and they were pretty hardcore.

    I’m gonna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make ‘em live together.

    The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

    ‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say… sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of… it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like… after “I love you”… or “You’re going to live”… or “It’s a boy!”

    A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. “Dude, make a left.” “Those are trees. Trust me.”

    Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

    I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’

    I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

    I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, ‘That’s cool’. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, ‘That’s not cool’. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about… leather sleeves.

    Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

    There’s a saying that goes “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Okay. How about “Nobody should throw stones.” That’s crappy behavior. My policy is: “No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.” Don’t do it. There is one exception though. If you’re trapped in a glass house, and you have a stone, then throw it. What are you, an idiot? So maybe it’s “Only people in glass houses should throw stones, provided they are trapped in the house with a stone.” It’s a little longer, but yeah.

    I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

    I was on the street and I saw a friend of a mine, all of a sudden, I hadn’t seen in years. Guy named Dean. We went to high school together. Last time I saw him was like five years earlier when Dean and I were doing a roofing job together on top of a forty-story building. He started talking crazy that day, and he goes, “I can’t take it, man,” and he got up on the ledge, and he jumped.Just after he jumped I looked down, and I noticed that Trampoline Emporium was having a sidewalk sale that day. Dean landed right on one of the trampolines, and bounced back up forty stories to where I was standing. And just as he floated up he said to me, “You know, I think a lot of your joke premises are contrived and hard to believe.”

  • http://farnham.tumblr.com Will

    tODD and Cindy R. are people after my own comedic heart, it seems.
    One of my favorite Hedberg bits is,

    “I’ve got a cheese grater at home, but I don’t like to call it a ‘cheese grater.’ I prefer to refer to it by its proper name, a ‘sponge ruiner.’”

  • http://farnham.tumblr.com Will

    tODD and Cindy R. are people after my own comedic heart, it seems.
    One of my favorite Hedberg bits is,

    “I’ve got a cheese grater at home, but I don’t like to call it a ‘cheese grater.’ I prefer to refer to it by its proper name, a ‘sponge ruiner.’”

  • Manamanous

    Here’s a slightly denominationalist offering for you – but I think I heard it from a Catholic, so that makes it OK… I hope.

    One day 3 theologians, Kung, Rahner and Ratzinger die and they all go together to face the final judgement. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St Peter is somewhat flustered. “You’re all such high calibre I don’t know if I’m qualified to pass judgement: you all better go straight to the big man himself.”

    Kung puts his hand up. “I’m pretty confident,” he says, “I volunteer to go first.” So in he goes. What follows is a horrible 10 minutes of shouting and screaming, window smashing, table turning. On and on it goes. Finally, the door opens and out comes Kung shoulders slumped, head bowed low. “I’ve been wrong, so very, very wrong,” he says with utmost humility, “but God is good, he’s letting me in anyway.”

    Seeing this, Rahner is filled with a new lease of confidence. “I’ll go next,” he exclaims, and fronts into the room. The door slams shut and it begins. Like before, there’s shouting and screaming, window smashing, tables turning and so forth, but it doesn’t go on for ten minutes, it goes on for ten hours. Finally, when nobody can bear any more, the door is thrust open and out comes Rahner, shoulders slumped and head bowed. “I’ve been wrong, so very very wrong about many, many things, but God is good, and he’s letting me in anyway.” And in he goes through the gates of pearl.

    Finally, it’s Ratzinger’s turn, but this time things are different. There’s no shouting, no screaming, no smashing, no crashing. Instead, there’s deadly silence and this goes on, not for ten minutes, or ten hours, but for ten whole days. Finally, the door opens and out comes God, shoulders slumped, head bowed. “I’ve been wrong, so very, very wrong!”

  • Manamanous

    Here’s a slightly denominationalist offering for you – but I think I heard it from a Catholic, so that makes it OK… I hope.

    One day 3 theologians, Kung, Rahner and Ratzinger die and they all go together to face the final judgement. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St Peter is somewhat flustered. “You’re all such high calibre I don’t know if I’m qualified to pass judgement: you all better go straight to the big man himself.”

    Kung puts his hand up. “I’m pretty confident,” he says, “I volunteer to go first.” So in he goes. What follows is a horrible 10 minutes of shouting and screaming, window smashing, table turning. On and on it goes. Finally, the door opens and out comes Kung shoulders slumped, head bowed low. “I’ve been wrong, so very, very wrong,” he says with utmost humility, “but God is good, he’s letting me in anyway.”

    Seeing this, Rahner is filled with a new lease of confidence. “I’ll go next,” he exclaims, and fronts into the room. The door slams shut and it begins. Like before, there’s shouting and screaming, window smashing, tables turning and so forth, but it doesn’t go on for ten minutes, it goes on for ten hours. Finally, when nobody can bear any more, the door is thrust open and out comes Rahner, shoulders slumped and head bowed. “I’ve been wrong, so very very wrong about many, many things, but God is good, and he’s letting me in anyway.” And in he goes through the gates of pearl.

    Finally, it’s Ratzinger’s turn, but this time things are different. There’s no shouting, no screaming, no smashing, no crashing. Instead, there’s deadly silence and this goes on, not for ten minutes, or ten hours, but for ten whole days. Finally, the door opens and out comes God, shoulders slumped, head bowed. “I’ve been wrong, so very, very wrong!”

  • CD

    This is the best linguistics joke in the world.

    Verb goes up to Noun in a bar.
    “Do you wanna conjugate?” he asks with a wink.
    Noun simply glares at him and sneers, “I decline.”

  • CD

    This is the best linguistics joke in the world.

    Verb goes up to Noun in a bar.
    “Do you wanna conjugate?” he asks with a wink.
    Noun simply glares at him and sneers, “I decline.”


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X