A six-year-old was suspended from the first grade in a D.C. suburb for pointing his finger like a gun and saying “pow.” Alexandra Petri reflects on other crimes committed by children:
What about all the kids who get away, every year, with spreading “cooties”? Clearly, this is a threat of biological warfare. They should be expelled — then quarantined.
What about all the kids who climb into boxes and announce that they are rocket ships? This violates lots of building codes, and those crafts are clearly not spaceworthy.
What about the kids who simulate car crashes with their plastic cars? Cars are far deadlier weapons than finger-guns, and you need a license to drive them. Where are their licenses?
Do you know the number of innocent cruise ships, liners, and rubber ducks sunk by careless six-year-old children daily? It makes the regime of Pol Pot pale by comparison.
Hide and seek? Sounds Nazi.
What about all the kids who build block towers? Surely that’s a violation both of union rules and safety codes. Where are their helmets? Why aren’t they being compensated? How dare they do it on weekends?
What about all the children, six and older, who create Monopolies, control large swaths of Boardwalk, and charge onerous rates to hotel visitors?
Play doctor? That’s definitely malpractice. Ring around the rosy? That’s a reference to bubonic plague, which should not be taken so lightly.
Look at all the countless Operations performed by six-year-old kids in which the patient is carelessly left to die, nose flaring red. How can we stand by and allow this to happen?
Every day, children go rampaging through imaginary cities. Their tea parties are strafed by rogue dinosaurs, riding in bombers. In the middle of Very Important Telephone Calls From Hospitals or the president, they get bored and walk away. They create monarchies and destroy them. They bury teddy bears alive in exploding volcanoes. They strand endangered species in the middle of lagoons, take Furbies prisoner, and subject stuffed rabbits to unspeakable head traumas. They create multi-car pileups. Then, after arrogating such arbitrary power to themselves, they have the gall to go take naps.
Can you think of other heinous crimes that little kids are getting away with?