Vows are for when you need them

Last week we looked at coverage of Pat Robertson’s comments that divorce of a spouse with Alzheimer’s can be justified. We talked about whether Robertson’s rhetoric needs coverage and how the Associated Press actually used the Gospel of Mark to counter what Robertson said.

The story got quite a bit of play. You can find hundreds upon hundreds of articles about it, in fact. Here’s one that asked for a response from a couple dealing with Alzheimer’s. And given that level of coverage, it’s worth revisiting to see how well it was handled.

I had great fun mocking Robertson until a reader made a point about how we live in a society that makes fun of Robertson for saying Alzheimer’s is grounds for divorce while supporting divorce for all sorts of less legitimate reasons. If someone divorces her husband because he doesn’t make her feel special or if a husband divorces his wife because he’s found someone else to start a new family with, we’re all gung-ho about it and we don’t even blink. Stories are so rare on the topic that when the New York Times ran something last June about how divorce had lost its cache among the elite, it was a big deal.

When you think about how cavalier we are about divorce these days, how frequently we divorce for any manner of reason, it’s kind of weird to read all of the outrage over old man Robertson finding a divorce loophole for a difficult situation.

Anywho, religion writer James Davis at the Orlando Sun-Sentinel, had an interesting critique of the media feeding frenzy.

Here’s how it begins:

In the week since Pat Robertson made his latest gaffe — this one about the permissibility of divorcing a spouse who has Alzheimer’s disease — secular media have taken turns swatting him like an off-season pinata.

They’ve fielded blogs and columns blasting him. They’ve asked theologians and chaplains about the comments. They’ve asked the opinions of people in Alzheimer’s advocacy organizations and those who have loved ones with the dreaded disease.

You know who they’re finally getting around to asking? Leaders in conservative Christianity — the same movement as Robertson.

Typical of early reports was an article in the Miami Herald that quoted an Episcopal chaplain and people who had loved ones with the disease. And the chaplain said he “would not judge a person for moving on with his or her life.”

The Chicago Tribune did a little better, quoting an evangelical Christian who works with Alzheimer’s patients. But the main source was an ethicist who said Robertson’s remarks “spotlight the void in conservative Christian thinking about divorce.”

He goes on to mention what conservative Christians said about the matter and where. Instead of inclusion in most mainstream reports, they discussed it through their own media.

Of course, if it were possible to break news about something that was seen by many on cable TV, you could say Christianity Today broke the story about Robertson’s remarks. It was a blog post on their site that drew attention to the slightly-wackier-than-usual remarks.

Davis also points out some media that did include the response from Christian conservatives. That includes this New York Times piece and this ABC News piece, although, he says, they’re still weighted improperly.

I actually don’t have much complaint with the coverage. I think the story was worth looking at and I think most reporters did an adequate job of looking at it. My beef is that the coverage was about a mile wide and an inch thick.

Scraping the surface of the “is divorcing an ill spouse” yields some pretty interesting questions about marriage and spouses’ responsibilities to each other. One didn’t get the feeling these questions were handled very well at all.

I wonder if there isn’t just a cultural inability to discuss marriage in any meaningful fashion that gets carried over to news treatment.

For example, now that I’m married, I’m struck by how rarely marriage, much less a strong marriage, is portrayed in movies. (One notable exception to this is the absolutely excellent film Win Win — watch it as soon as you’re able!) When you think of how dramatic and rich and beautiful marriage can be — and as much as I’d like to think my husband and I are unique here, I’m sure we’re not — isn’t it kind of weird how little that shows up in the media? Sure, you get those tear-jerky human interest stories about the couple that was married for 65 years and died within a day of each other. Stuff like that.

But marriage is a day-to-day reality for many of us and yet our language for discussing it in the generic pop culture is inadequate. Particularly considering how much the topic is preached on or written about or, again, thought about in the day-to-day.

In any case, I wonder what everyone else thought about the Robertson/Alzheimer’s brouhaha in general. Well done? Overdone? Too superficial?

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  • Deacon John M. Bresnahan

    Speaking of religion, Christianity, and divorce in the media–how come so little of the media didn’t also look at the Catholic situation at the time. It would have been logical to do so.
    But virtually the only time I see the media mentioning Catholics and divorce and re-marriage is when they are running a propaganda piece attacking the Catholic Church (usually by interviewing or surveying disgruntled Catholics or radical priests) for not getting with our country’s marriage merry-go-round (which some have referred to as nothing but legalized adultery) and should stop taking Christ and the Bible’s strong anti-divorce words so seriously.

  • http://www.ecben.net Will

    Face it. Much of the pile-on came from people who would denounce Robertson (or a Republican politician) if he said that two and two is four.

  • dalea

    I actually agreed with Robertson, which surprised me. Having dealt with the situation living with a severely demented life partner, his point that this is a kind of death really hit home. I wish the press had focused more on the horror that a spouse finds himself/herself in. When you live with someone who slowly slips away and is replaced by someone you had never known before, the situation is horrible. I stayed mainly through inertia and did my best. But was overwhelmed and devastated. It is difficult to explain the feelings and the whole situation. But Robertson nailed it when he said that the person to whom the vows had been made is no longer there. You look into familiar eyes and see something completely new and different. The coverage really needed more depth on this, maybe long interviews with people in that situation.

    I suspect that the religious issue here is: are vows to a whole person or to a body? When the person has moved on leaving a body with a whole new personality, what do vows mean?

  • sari

    “I wonder if there isn’t just a cultural inability to discuss marriage in any meaningful fashion that gets carried over to news treatment. ”

    Yes, maybe because there’s no societal consensus as to what marriage is or should be.

  • Julia

    I’m wondering why there wasn’t any discussion at Get Religion of the spouses who divorce in situations like that for financial reasons. At some point, the healthy spouse just can’t cope with a demented spouse and professional care is very expensive. To preserve what little nest egg might be left, some spouses divorce to cut the financial ties.

    Sari is right that there is no societal consensus any more about what marriage is or should be. If the person is no longer “there”, are your responsibilities over? Is marriage only an emotional connection that needs reciprocity or you’re off the hook? If there is no emotional reciprocity anymore, is it OK to cut financial ties by divorcing and leaving the spouse’s care to the state?

    http://www.caring.com/questions/does-divorce-to-protect-assets-work

    It used to be that you could not divorce a person who was incompetent, any more than you could marry someone who is incompetent. I’m thinking there are still some states that have that provision in their matrimonial statutes.

  • Deacon John M. Bresnahan

    dalea makes a compelling case for walking away from a horrible situation–although he didn’t. But, if one leaves, as Robertson defended, that only leaves decision and care to someone else–someone else who didn’t take a vow “in sickness and in health.”
    To listen to virtually everyone who gets a divorce, their situation–in their eyes–is just about the worst ever. I would like to see some stories in the media about the heroic spouses who live their vows and accept the cross God has given them through dementia “until death do they part.”
    The most dangerous thing about what this alleged pro-life minister said is that it lays the religious groundwork for creating a category of “virtual death” wherein we could start exterminating the most seriously ill with good consciences. But I doubt the media will raise that warning flag.

  • sari

    Julia, I don’t believe there’s ever been a consensus. There have always been people who married for financial security, divorced/disappeared over financial difficulties, dumped aging spouses for younger partners, deserted spouse and children, married for love, married for expedience/force/parental decree, or who stayed to the end through less than idyllic circumstances. Solomon correctly stated, “There is nothing new under the sun”.

    It’s easy to blame a licentious culture, one which emphasizes the individual over the community, but divorce and desertion are not new. To me this issue is less about marriage and more about responsibility. Over the years I’ve seen numerous parents walk when their children turned out to be severely disabled. I’ve seen others stay when they should have taken a break. And I’ve seen marriages dissolve from the stress. Same when spouses have mental, chronic or degenerative illness. In many cases, those marriages might have been saved had the caregiving individuals received community support from their religious institutions and neighbors, particularly respite care. For those who’ve been lucky enough to dodge the bullet, no amount of love compensates for being imprisoned and isolated by virtue of another’s issues.

    Life is not so black and white. Robertson’s comments where astounding only within the context of his stated belief system. In some ways, they evidenced a compassion few thought he had.

  • Jerry

    In any case, I wonder what everyone else thought about the Robertson/Alzheimer’s brouhaha in general. Well done? Overdone? Too superficial?

    I’d say superficial and misplaced. There are real problems in society including how we deal with a terrible identity-robbing disease. I think it’s fine to use the experience of one or a small number of people to cover such issues rather than using dry, fact-filled “term-paper” like articles. But I’m not happy with coverage of the kind: controversial person says provocative thing. But I really don’t expect anything better when 90% of the industry is focused on the sensational.

  • Amanda

    Another very complicated twist is that suggested by the story of former Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Her husband, who suffered from Alzheimer’s, developed a relationship with another woman after he no longer remembered who his wife was. (The same scenario, in fiction, is an Alice Munro story, Away from Her, turned into a movie that left me drenched with tears).

    What does it mean to be married to someone who no longer remembers the vows he or she said, and who, having forgotten so much, has found a new partner? What does it mean when the spouse who is not stricken with this terrible disease continues to provide financial, medical, and emotional support, but seeks a divorce? As noted above, a divorce under the secular laws can provide for both spouse’s financial security, which is indeed important with such an expensive disease as Alzheimer’s.

    I am fortunate that to date I have only seen my grandmother forget who I am (and who my mother is); while she may have forgotten who her husband was, he had already preceded her in death.

    What does it mean to be married when your spouse is no longer capable of recognizing you, and has taken up with another? And what is the relationship of the person with Alzheimer’s to his or her marriage vows? I’m sure there are a lot of viewpoints; I’d like to hear them as I think through questions I fear I might have to face.

  • Bill

    What if a parent no longer recognizes me? Am I then free to get on with my life? Is my mother no longer my mother? How about a child who suffers brain injury? Can I simply move on? Is he no longer my child? Is this my test? My duty? My cross? Can this cup pass from me? Can I put it down and drink from a less bitter cup? And will the sweeter wine turn sour in time?

    Does “in sickness in health” really mean in serious sickness? Or just a nasty cold? After 40+ years of marriage, I am more and more amazed at the profundity of a simple vow I took as a starry-eyed young ‘un. If the two are made one, they are, in a meaningful way, inseparable.

    Hard, hard questions.

  • Clare Krishan

    And what of the ‘Robertson-as-Reverend-in-persona-christi-sponsa (???????)’ angle?

    Parsing Amanda’s perceptive comment
    “What does it mean to be married when your spouse is no longer capable of recognizing you and has taken up with another?”
    through a theological-vocational (or if you will ecclesiological) lens, what deeper pastoral cognitive dissonance comes to light that reporting from a mere secular POV misses?

    Where would Christians be if Christ the Bridegroom forgot us, his Church-Bride?

    Hosea answered the inverse (what fidelity looks like when the female party, the sponsa, goes off the reservation) back in the Old Testament… modelled on the long-hoped (spes – spons) for Messiah he firmly believed in.

    The scriptural narrative of the new testament is redolent in conjugal imagery – Jesus came to woo only one bride…
    although he warned only half the bridesmaids would hang around long enough to attend the party!
    http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Erfurt-Dom-Jungfrauenportal-Detail-Weise_Jungfrauen-20100714.jpg
    (Erfurt Cathedral’s portal stone relief on the five wise virgins, poignant to consider in the same light – forgive the pun on oil lamps its kinda intentional – that the Lutherans are disappointed because their compatriot, the Roman Bridge Builder (pontifex) has gone on record declining concelebration of the “Abendmal” comparable to asking a man to prove how friendly you’ve become by sharing his wife in the conjugal bed (tora in latin, funny that!)

  • Clare Krishan

    oops glitch on the html code for Greek characters “νυμφιου” nymf?oy
    (casts the term ‘nymphomaniac’ in a different pall, no?)

  • Clare Krishan

    er, typo on “Abendmahl” aka ultima cena or last supper

  • http://www.carepages.com/blogs/lifeofwellspouse/posts Richard Anderson

    In the NY Times Well Blog, Tara Parker-Pope wrote: “When Mr. Robertson’s co-anchor on the show wondered if that was consistent with marriage vows, Mr. Robertson noted the pledge of ‘’til death do us part,’ but added, ‘This is a kind of death.’”

    As a former spousal caregiver for 29 years, I was not shocked by Pat Robertson’s statement at all. I think he was speaking from a healthy point of view. He emphasized that divorcing one’s Alzheimer’s spouse would have to be accompanied by making good arrangements for the person to have good care in a home, and said the man’s wife no longer recognized her husband. Also, the emotional stress of spousal caregiving is greater than for any other kind of family caregiving.

    It’s much the same as was done by the CBS reporter Barry Petersen who wrote Jan’s Story about his wife’s Alzheimer’s and how he eventually found someone else, who also helped him in caring for his wife through visits to the home where she lives. The only difference between Pat Robertson and Barry Petersen’s attitude is that PR is bound by the Christian evangelical concept of marriage “until death do us part” and so divorce, while frowned upon, is the only way out… while BP was not religious, and did not divorce his wife before living with someone else. For both, they are talking about a caregiver who has come to the end of his/her rope and has had to put their AD spouse in a nursing home…
    My first wife did not have Alzheimer’s and we did not divorce. It really takes one to know one… I found great help from the Well Spouse™ Association, http://wellspouse.org, which offers emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of people with chronic illness and/or disability of all sorts.

    I urge those who pass judgment to think of spousal caregivers they know and tell them about the WSA. Such support can make the difference between an overwhelmed spouse burning out, and finding a group where people have “been there, done that,” and regaining balance in his/her life.

  • dalea

    There is a religious ghost here: what does identity mean? Is a person defined by body? By mind? By personality? By consciousness? This really seems to be the heart of the matter.

    A book that greatly helped my was The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche. The explanation of successive rebirth really illuminated what I was dealing with. His explanation that rebirth is not like pearls strung on a string which is the soul. Rather, it is like a series of dice piled on one another where one unit supports the one above it. Very helpful in dealing with the loved one who disappears leaving a living body behind.

  • Bob Smietana

    William Saletan has a more sympathetic look at Robertson., saying his point was that divorce was better than adultery in the case of a spouse whose illness is so severe that the person they were is gone and the caretaker spouse wants companionship

  • Julia

    sari:

    Julia, I don’t believe there’s ever been a consensus. There have always been people who married for financial security, divorced/disappeared over financial difficulties, dumped aging spouses for younger partners, deserted spouse and children, married for love, married for expedience/force/parental decree, or who stayed to the end through less than idyllic circumstances. Solomon correctly stated, “There is nothing new under the sun”.

    You misunderstood me. I was speaking of society’s conception of marriage, not how individual people conform or don’t conform to that understanding of marriage.

  • sari

    Julia–Society, especially one as diverse as that in the States, has never had a fixed conception of marriage. Just listening to people argue as to whether or not marriage is a sacrament makes that apparent. And that’s just between members of different Christian denominations. Extend that to Jews and Muslims,*their* denominations, and to members of other faiths, and it’s clear that heterosexual marriage seems to be about the only common factor. It’s true that the divorce rate is higher than it was during my parents’ time, but is it really higher or does it reflect formal termination of marriages that existed only on paper in earlier eras?

    What I believe has changed is that fewer people are willing to let religion define their behavior: marriage, premarital/extramarital sex, etc.