Erect In The Pew: Stop Wearing Leggings For Jesus!

Erect In The Pew: Stop Wearing Leggings For Jesus! May 28, 2018
Image: Creative Commons/Pixabay

Godless Mom was once fired from McDonald’s. There you have it, my dirty little secret. You see, I was 15, and it was my first job and I didn’t take it as seriously as perhaps I should have. Some say it’s hard to get fired from McDonald’s but it’s really not. Simply stop showing up. That oughtta do it.

It kind of got… awkward, though. Let me explain.

So, I got a job because the allowance my parents gave me simply wasn’t cutting it anymore. I went to McDonald’s because I knew it would be easy to get hired. I didn’t think about the uniform situation. Being 15, hetero and female, naturally I was completely boy crazy and when I realized I would be wearing polyester pants, a polo shirt and McChoke’s visor, I thought, Great, there goes any potential to find a boyfriend at work. I looked like a short, blonde Jack Nicklaus with tits about to flip burgers at Pebble Beach. The uniform… was horrific.

I had a day of orientation during which 4 of us were crammed into a greasy back room and forced to watch Micheal Jordan preach the joys of teamwork while he had his arm around Ronald McDonald. Next to me, sat my best guy friend, Jay, who I was completely in love with, and with whom I had just spent a sleepless weekend on his living room floor rescuing Zelda and ridding Hyrule of evil forces. We were pretty inseparable, and so he got a job with me. On my other side sat a Ronald McDonald look-a-like, and I know you think I am exaggerating, but I am not. The man had a red ‘fro, freckled face, braces with bright neon blue and pink elastics on them and the kicker: he walked with a cane… because he actually needed one. I felt my heart flutter when he leaned in to crack a joke about the shine on Jordan’s head. I had a thing for weirdos.

So there I was. Sandwiched in between the man I loved and a man who made my heart go funny, dressed in polyester and golf tournament swag. They would never notice me…

I was wrong.

By the end of the first month of flipping Big Macs, I was dating red ‘fro, getting jealous phone calls, glances and remarks from Jay, and I had a marriage proposal, no lie, from my tubby 30-year-old manager, who promised that if I said yes, he would promptly buy me a house and a Baby Blue 1967 Shelby. The Shelby was tempting…

So things got… awkward. And I stopped going. And I got fired.

I walked away with a whole new understanding of men, though. No matter what you’re wearing; no matter how you look, their dip stick is like a divining rod for poontang, like a rigid Irish setter on a duck hunt pointing directly at Daffy.

“There be beaver here!” You can almost hear their little peckers charge.

They will find you in a snowstorm, in a tsunami, and even under layers of polyester, unappetizing brown stripes and greasy bottomed work shoes.

You cannot dress in a way that will eliminate a man’s previously burning desire to shuck your clam. If he wanted it when you had a little red dress on, he’ll still want it when you’re in a potato sack.

So, when I came across this post about a Christian woman throwing away her leggings to make things “easier” on the men around her, I had a good enough laugh to offend the almighty himself.

She says,

Was it possible my wearing leggings could cause a man, other than my husband, to think lustfully about my body?

Yeah, Shirley Temple, you know what else makes men feel lustful about women’s bodies? Everything. Even, as I found out, when you bend over the McNugget fryer in your Indonesian-made, grease-absorbing, navy blue polyester britches to wipe up a lump of dried McChicken sauce.

Sure, if a man wants to look, they are going to look, but why entice them?

And of course, removing your leggings from the rotation oughtta put an end to the enticement, right? Better idea: Remember that documentary by Morgan Spurlock where he ate nothing but Macdo every day? Yeah. Do that. Stop going to the gym. Stop exercising. Remove all greens from your diet. Stop brushing your hair, and for that matter, your teeth. Maybe take up smoking. Never paint your nails again, or do your makeup. Try to get up to say, 300 pounds, maybe three-fiddy, then roll in cow dung, stop showering and greet every fella you meet with, “Have you heard the good word?”. Even then, some fetishist is going to find you enticing, doll.

We like the way each other looks, honey. It’s okay. It’s perfectly okay for a man to look at another woman and feel a tingle in his trousers. Yes, even if he’s married. We are built that way.

I used to swim every morning, and in this town, everyone is health conscious, so there were often hard bodies in the lanes with me. A serious male swimmer always wears a speedo. This may be a farming community, but ladies, let me tell you, Old McDonald has a bulge. Mommy can’t help but notice from time to time, and sat right there in the middle of a swimmer’s physique, I’d have to be dead not to appreciate what I see.

If Godless Dad was right there beside me, he wouldn’t care. He might even crack a joke about banana hammocks.

There is nothing wrong with that. We are animals with sex drives. We are built to be attracted to others of our species. We have the instinctual need to bone.

How freeing it is to finally realize that’s perfectly okay; to celebrate your sexuality and accept your humanness. There is no shame in desires of the flesh. Go ahead and look. As Bill Nye said in his book Undeniable,

Being a nerd, I did not anticipate going to my high-school prom. Nevertheless I did. I was driven to do so, apparently, by the shape of Leith’s legs, a (clearly) female classmate. This fascination with sex is, near as anyone can tell, not something we get to choose. Our ancestors bequeathed it to us. It’s another one of those deeply shared evolutionary traits. It’s a drive we cannot disengage. – Bill Nye
"No, not him, he's just creepy and weird."

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • I can’t help but wonder whether the woman with the leggings might feel more at home in a Muslim country where she could wear one of those ninja outfits.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    Pedantic point: It’s not “good word”, but Good News. Yes, it must be pronounced with the capitalization, or the incantation will fail.

  • Sue (Yet, She Persisted) Blue

    Nope. Even the sight of eyes surrounded by a shapeless black sack is apparently enough for some men. And woe be to her if the moral police catch a glimpse of an ankle. That’s when the rocks come out instead of the boners.

  • yourmomsidol

    Funny funny funny. Thanks for the laugh.

  • yourmomsidol

    One way or the other, they get their rocks off.

  • John-Hugh Boyd

    Old McDonald has a bulge.

    I needed a good laugh to start the week – Thanks!

  • Daffodil

    Priceless! And absolutely true!

  • Daffodil

    Yeah, no one ever attacks or harasses those women!

  • It seems like it, but she would surely deny.

  • I stand corrected!

  • Thank you for reading!

  • haha!

  • Is it wrong that it made me giggle, too?

  • Thank you so much!

  • Cozmo the Magician

    EEE-III-EEE–III-OOOOO
    Didn’t matter if you were a fox, a dog, a cow, a chicken , or even trout…
    Old Mc Donald would be happy to roll you in the hay
    until he went…
    EEE-II-EEE–III-OOOO

  • Cozmo the Magician

    Yup.. its gOOOd Nooos. Not GooD Newsssss.

  • Michael Neville

    You gave up the opportunity to have a 1967 Shelby? Were you holding out for a 1967 Ferrari Thomassima?

    https://theawesomer.com/photos/2015/10/1967_ferrari_thomassima_ii_1.jpg

  • John-Hugh Boyd

    NEVER!!!!

  • Sonyaj

    TESTIFY, sister!! Seriously, so, so true. My first serious job in H.S. was at Little Caesar’s, and despite the shitty, unflattering brown uniform, flour-covered instead of grease, I garnered male attention…including sexual harassment from a creepy assistant manager (who, others told me, was bisexual, so no one was safe from his unwanted, inappropriate comments). First boyfriend even came from there, now that I think of it.

    Seriously, a woman can be wearing goddamned burlap sack, and men will want to tap that. And, as you say, it’s how we were wired. I’ve never been bothered by my SO admiring a nice looking woman, although me taking notice of a nice ass and pair of legs on a man once made my exhusband flip out in an insecurity tantrum [note: there’s a reason he’s an ex].

    But yeah, ditching the leggings to spare men is just silly-assed nonsense. And, I’d also tell her, once you don the “invisible cloak of menopause” like I have, the annoying catcalls and unsolicited comments about your looks, etc, from men drop waaaay back. I consider this to be one of the major perks of aging, btw ;). I may or may not turn a few heads of the Medicare crowd in the gym (at 52, I’m the “younger woman” for them) , but I’m too busy working out to notice…or give a shit.

  • Illithid

    Olive Garden, twenty-some years ago. End of a long, long, exhausting evening. I’m cleaning up in the kitchen, and this (female) server comes to the back for some reason. Shirt unbuttoned, tee shirt soaked, hair destroyed, tie untied and hanging around her neck. She probably felt disgusting. I felt suddenly… not tired. Had I been single, I might have been one of those stories she told her friends about with an eyeroll.

    Now that I’m in charge of a place, I’m very careful not to even hint at anything inappropriate. I have neither the car nor the physique to entice the youngsters, anyway. But hey, still married!

  • Bravo Sierra

    Reminds me of the old Dr. Hook song:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nV13cqMgeBM

  • Peter Damian

    Why thank you. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time reading a story. You kick ass lmfao.

  • Peter Damian

    I once worked as a waiter. The restaurant clientele were mostly gay. I cannot think of how many times some jerk grabbed my ass. The final straw was one day, I was wicked busy, we were swamped. I was leaning over, taking an order when some jerk literally butt squeezed my ass so hard? I dropped my pen and pad. I looked at the people I was taking the order from and said excuse me.

    I grabbed the pitcher of water off the table the jerk was sitting at, dumped it right over his head and told him to chill the fuck out. I, of course, got fired.

    Oh and please…do not think I hate gay people for this, but hey, it happens to us men too. Now if it had been women doing that to me? I think my response would have been quite different.

  • I don’t remember where I read this, but a passage that always stuck with me was this author describing how men of every culture assume there is an inherently depraved, erotic quality to the way the women of other cultures dress and the concept of modesty doesn’t really exist objectively: the western man assumes a foreign woman in a floor-length burqa dresses that way because the men around her are so hypersexed that they simply can’t help themselves around even the least glimpse of bare female skin, and his middle-eastern male counterpart reads the same depravity in the way a western woman goes around in short-shorts.

    That holds true in microcosm, too. There is no way for a woman to dress or comport herself to avoid male attention; it’s always going to be immediately justified to him by some hardwired internal logic that he probably doesn’t even really think about.

  • Brian Curtis

    Cordelia, in a military warehouse: “What, so does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?”
    Xander: “I’m 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.”
    –Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Innocence”–

  • All I have to do is run my fingers through my husband’s luscious beard to remember why I passed it up. 🙂

  • Michael Neville

    I won’t argue with your priorities, especially when I consider that when I married my wife in 1972 her three year old VW bug came with her.

  • That made me laugh! Seriously, humans think about sex. It is what we do. Acting on it is a bigger issue than thinking about it.

  • thornyrose

    @makeupyourownmind, You are very foolish if you cannot acknowledge that the female of the species, you and I lust as much and as often as your husbands do. As someone called it in one of these posts, the banana hammock grows in response or with the pheromone that a sexually mature female exudes.

  • thornyrose

    Men in the Victorian years in England and here in the US were as turned on by the sight of a female ankle, and the “new’ fashions at the start of the new century were scandalous to say the least!

  • Satan’s Fabulous Twin Brother

    “Old McDonald has a bulge”
    Ee-i-ee-i-oh my…

  • Morgan Lefaye

    I went through a phase of dressing like an Amish butter-churning hippie in my late thirties. I thought it was time for me to cover up due to my age. Then I met my wife. One heated conversation and wardrobe makeover later, I learned to appreciate wearing clothing that actually fits my curves. I am now in my forties.

  • Morgan Lefaye

    Um….dude. She was 15. Manager was a pedophile. He was also lying about the house and baby-blue Shelby.

  • Morgan Lefaye

    What if the women all looked like Betsy Devos and Kim Davis? I bet your response would have been the same.

  • Peter Damian

    Sorry, I do not date pathological liars, bigots, haters and buybull thumping freaks who seek to deny others their rights. Or idiots who stand up and defend scum like Donald Trump.

  • Peter Damian

    But if you’re going on looks alone? I have dated both what would be termed as ugly fat women and gorgeous model type women. I actually prefer to not date gorgeous types because most of them? Are just as plastic as their boobs and their facelifts they have to get.

  • Peter Damian

    It is not the looks I go for in women. My criteria is are they educated, do they have a good head on their shoulders, are they kind of heart? I would rather be with a woman I can have great debates and conversations with than some plastic barbie doll whose only concern is what is the new fashion and how much are those shoes?

  • Michael Neville

    So she was right to hold out for the Ferrari.

  • Morgan Lefaye

    Sorry about the typo. I should have said, “I bet your response would NOT have been the same.”

  • Morgan Lefaye

    That’s a good thing, since most people, women or not, start to lose their looks past a certain age.

  • Exactly!

  • Annerdr

    I got married on a resort in Jamaica. Shortly after the wedding, we were walking to our rooms, passing by some college girls playing beach volleyball. My step son told his father he wasn’t allowed to look anymore. I laughed and said that husband was married, not dead. He could look all he wanted.

  • Annerdr

    It’s Wingardium LeviOsa.

  • Dave Kinsella

    This is another badly thought rant from an angry atheist. Sure, some (most?) guys will try ride anything that moves, but if it’s wearing clothes that look painted on, big firm breasts, long shiny hair, round buttox, slim waist and all on show, then I’m sorry but the evoled ape brain of a male human will kick into overdrive and want to perpetuate its genes with it. Put a burlap sack over it and you will draw less attention. Not none, but far less. As is evidenced by the amount of attention an Amish woman will get from guys versus a hot young porn star wannabe.

  • haha

  • Haha, yeah, pretty much.

  • Great answer.

  • You sound scary.

  • Annerdr

    It’s rather sad that you focus more on women policing their clothing than men policing their actions. Do you truly believe men are incapable of self-control?

  • I think he thinks that because HE is incapable of self-control, that all men must be that way. It’s a shame because there are plenty of men out there who can handle themselves far better than this fella gives them credit.

  • Annerdr

    It’s because they are the superior sex, but completely incapable of self control, but stronger unless they don’t really feel like it. Women are the weaker vessel and they should spend considerable time and effort in propping up male ego and control. It is the most twisted version of gender relations I’ve ever heard of.

  • Annerdr

    Also, I don’t think it is because he himself lacks self-control. I suspect it is more that he buys into a toxic form of masculinity in which repression of emotion and intense self-reliance lead to depression, increased violence and addiction issues in males. It’s a terrible system in which a man loses respect if he asks for help from anyone else.

  • Dave Kinsella

    Where did I say that? I’m merely pointing out the biological facts that men are visually attracted to beautiful young women. It is hard wired by millions of years of evolution into our brains. The more naked they are, the more animalistic our desires become. Sure, we have become very good at controlling our urges (not in the least part due to the influence of religious morality), but if you tempt the child with a marshmallow and then tell them not to eat it, some of them will not be able to resist…

  • Dave Kinsella

    Your analyses of me are about as correct as your ideas that women can wear whatever they want and expect no response from men hardwired for reproduction with the best females they can get. Or that wearing a burlap sack and a bikini will elicit the same response from men. Sorry ladies, it just ain’t so.

  • Annerdr

    And yet, it is the common experience among the women here.

  • Annerdr

    Adults should have more self-control than children, don’t you think?

    No one said you can’t look. Just about everyone looks.

  • Dave Kinsella

    Do you have sources for the claim that men were as turned on by an ankle?

  • Dave Kinsella

    Yes, in general they do. My main point still stamds. A beautiful, scantily clad woman will attract far more attention than a hairy faced Amish woman with greasy hair tied back under a bonnet. This is just a basic fact of nature. To deny it is either ignorance or ideologically driven.

  • Annerdr

    Or, you know, experience. As the OP and other commenters have mentioned.

  • TheBookOfDavid

    I always get that one mixed up with the Banishment Charm of Jehovahs Witnesses.

  • Peter Damian

    Why thank you. I do have some respect for myself and for good women lol.

  • ” As is evidenced by the amount of attention an Amish woman will get from guys versus a hot young porn star wannabe.”

    Seems to me that you’re making a mistake based on your surrounding culture. While I’ve never lived among Amish, I have lived among Pentecostals, and Pentecostal men are every bit as attracted to females in long, denim skirts, styleless tops and tight hair buns as a more worldly man would be to a bikini model. The Amish-like clothing does not draw less attention from men … except perhaps from guys who are used to seeing more skin. But even then, judging by my classmates in high school, guys who are used to admiring short-shorts and belly shirts would still frequently gawk at the Pentecostal gals, regardless of their dullsville outfits.

    Conversely, in cultures where nudity is common, men don’t respond as strongly to the sight of breasts and buttocks and other goodies as you or I might, since we’re from environments with more clothing.

    Do not mistake your own limited experience with the programming of evolution, and please try to learn from other cultures before making broad statements about human nature.

  • Dave Kinsella

    Interesting. I wonder what research you have done into other cultures that makes you sure I haven’t learned about them while you have.
    Study Amish culture. It’s not perfect, but instances of rape, murder, divorce, suicide and so on are much lower than that of the cultures around them.

    And yes, I watched that documentary too where it shows that native cultures where women wear less have normalized such practices and men do not appear to be highly sexualized in that manner. Of course in our culture we are highly sexualized. Young men are trained to think about it constantly through advertising, movies, TV and now internet porn.

  • LOL. I came of age in the 1960’s. All the women, I mean ALL, wore miniskirts. Talk about a distraction! I can’t tell you how many times I nearly crashed my ‘61 Ford looking at legs rather than the road ahead! Thanks for the laugh. Made my morning.

  • “I wonder what research you have done into other cultures that makes you sure I haven’t learned about them while you have.”

    Nothing personal, man, but you were ascribing the characteristics of our cultural view of sex to biology. That indicated to me that you do not consider other cultures when thinking about this topic. Your reply here demonstrates more knowledge, but it also completely undercuts your initial assertion that we’re evolutionarily programmed to such behavior.

    I tend to think that it’s the taboo of sex and nudity that drives the flesh obsession, not media exposure and the like. After all, nudists in our own culture don’t suffer from it as much as more “modest” folk, despite being surrounded by the same influences, because they’ve been liberated from the taboo.

  • Thanks for reading, Kirk!

  • Bald Humanist

    ” I looked like a short, blonde Jack Nicklaus with tits.”

    According to the Law of the Interwebz, there are no fewer than 18 porn sites dedicated to this specific topic.

    Bunker Boobs

    Birdies and Bazoongas