The Wait

I baked up a storm and the breads and granolas are stealthily disappearing. I caught up with laundry and organized closets, the next cycle is already starting to pile itself up with clothes rapidly throwing themselves into disarray. I organized all the toys, puzzles, and books in the basement and just when I turned away, it seems they grew feet and started clambering out of the neat shelves spilling over the basement floor into the living room and bedrooms.

Every time, I take a deep breath and feel like I am ready to welcome my third baby into this world, I turn around and there are a multitude of last minute tasks that need to be taken care of. Those tiny little details that are supposed to make their world just right.

Our world, this small tiny microcosm that I can exert some sense of order and peace into. I turn away from the larger chaos for now. I can’t handle any existential questions on the nature of evil and how we can bear to bring new life into a space where everything is eventually meant to die. This utterly small glimpse we are given into existence, just enough of a pause to mutter “Ah!” at our own insignificance (if we are lucky enough to come to that realization.) This tiny glimpse into heartbreaking chaos, loss and death that sends mothers down unknown paths seeking a little meaning and a small chance to maybe even breathe beauty for the sake of nurturing life.

I see many horizons and each one is etched with a little arm waving goodbye. Yet my gaze is constantly dragged back to the present. Here we are, still bound together. Possibly the closest we will ever be. You, in my womb ready to be ushered into this small little world I am painstakingly holding together for you and by and by into the many worlds awaiting you. You, in my womb, without a face or name, yet your movements alone have have opened me wide to both longing and awe. I let my gaze linger on the horizons of loss, only because this much loving can be unbearable at times.

Come, come my little one and let’s marvel at each others existence. I am waiting and hopeful, yet still savoring these last few moments we have intertwined in each others bloodstreams.

Your welcome is our first goodbye.

Maliha Balala

Maliha Balala lives in Maryland and adores mommying her two boys, reading, running in pretty places (okay more like jogging!), writing and daydreaming of all the things she still wants to do when she grows up.

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  • http://threecherries.wordpress.com Tasneem

    Beautifully written!

  • http://threecherries.wordpress.com Tasneem

    Beautifully written!

  • Um Hadi

    Ma sha Allah this was so beautifully written Maliha – I hope all goes well with your third baby.

  • Um Hadi

    Ma sha Allah this was so beautifully written Maliha – I hope all goes well with your third baby.

  • Maha

    Contemplating the fleeting fragility of life, while thinking of our children, is so difficult. It is that painful space in our hearts we rarely talk about until a tragedy happens.

    We watched a movie on loggerhead sea turtles–that one out of ten thousand survives into mature adulthood. Why did Allah swt create them like that? Is it natural selection? Or is it, that these fragile souls actually reach their fulfillment and completion in praising Allah swt for the fleeting moments of their life? Is it that the greatness and gloriousness of Allah swt is so overwhelming that even the most small and short-lived souls, the ones that were not meant to be in this world, are blessed with a chance to know him and be His servants, even if only for a few minutes?

  • Marwa

    Maliha, this is wonderful! Ease and Rahma, may you both be tickets for one another into Jannah.

  • Marwa

    Maliha, this is wonderful! Ease and Rahma, may you both be tickets for one another into Jannah.

  • Maliha

    Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. Maha what is funny is that my morbid thoughts flew out the window, with the arrival of Talya. My sweet gentle little daughter, wrapped up in all the heavenly scents of a being so new, so perfect, so beautiful….all I can do is raise my hands in gratitude and pray I am worthy of this trust. Marwa, Amin,may your Duaa encompass all parents worldwide…

  • Maliha

    Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. Maha what is funny is that my morbid thoughts flew out the window, with the arrival of Talya. My sweet gentle little daughter, wrapped up in all the heavenly scents of a being so new, so perfect, so beautiful….all I can do is raise my hands in gratitude and pray I am worthy of this trust. Marwa, Amin,may your Duaa encompass all parents worldwide…


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