Sunshine

Looking back now it’s funny to think that by my mid-twenties I had thought that all my exciting firsts were behind me.  However in the past 2.5 years I’ve experienced a lot of firsts that have pushed all my other firsts to second place.  Getting married, my first home, my first child and inevitably, my first emotional moment as a mother.

I was singing to my little girl while changing her, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey.  You’ll never know dear, how much I love you…” And it is here that I began to cry.  It may be a simple nursery rhyme however truer words have not been spoken/sung.  Our children will truly never know how much we love them, and isn’t this the most beautiful and painful aspect of motherhood?

Our children change us so much yet they have no idea because there is this idea perpetuated that birth is a one-way street.  Yes, of course in the most literal sense we have birthed our babies; however, are we not the ones truly reborn?  I sincerely believe my daughter has given birth to a new me.  Whether it’s small things like reforming my old habits of deep sleep to become the lightest sleeper of all time (I now wake up at the click of a light switch), or big things like, oh I don’t know, every aspect of motherhood, I feel renewed.

I feel tired, yet refreshed; anxious, yet strong in my resolve; scared, yet highly protective, and I will never be able to fully communicate the complexity and depth of my love for her because all words and all actions fail.  And it is within this pause of realization that another awareness unfolds, and I’m reminded of my relationship with Allah.  Is this not how Allah loves us?  Protects us?  Guides us?  And yet what sign or revelation is more of an apt symbol than motherhood?  I have felt Allah’s reassurance, guidance and mercy more now than ever before, and perhaps this is because it’s one thing to know the wall is there to lean on, but quite another to embrace the relief that only something so sturdy can give.  And only now do I truly know what it is to love for the sake of Allah.  And no one can take that sunshine away.

Lena Hassan

Lena Hassan lives in Ottowa, Canada. She is mother to one little girl.

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About Mahaez
  • mountaineermama

    deeply moving…JAK.

  • Fatima

    it really is. may Allah reward you for brightening my mind and day.

  • Maha

    “I have felt Allah’s reassurance, guidance and mercy more now than ever before, and perhaps this is because it’s one thing to know the wall is there to lean on, but quite another to embrace the relief that only something so sturdy can give.”

    Those lines took my breath away. A beautiful post.

  • Hagar

    What beautiful reflections, masha’Allah. You reminded me of this hadith (JAK):

    `Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: Captives were brought to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) after a battle. Among them was a woman desperately searching for something. When she laid her eyes on a baby she immediately picked it up, clutched it to her breast and started feeding it. Thereupon, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked, “Do you think this woman would throw her child into a fire?” We said, “Never! By Allah!” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) then said, “Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child.” (Muslim)

  • kelly

    Subhan Allah!

  • Jessi

    Beautifully written, mashaAllah. Thank you so much.

  • Sumayah

    The challenges I faced while raising my children really brought me closer to Allah (swt). So, yes indeed, they are the “sunshine”of my life. Al-Humdulilah.

    JAK-Lena- Lovely!!

  • Yumna

    So true. So very true. Alhamdullilah for motherhood :).

  • Nausheen

    Salaam Lena, very moving… Alhamdulillah. By the time I finished reading the sentence, ‘And only now do I truly know what it is to love for the sake of Allah.’ I felt a single tear-drop down my face. That tear represents all the emotions one can feel when they think of their Creator and their precious children. and to compare that emotion to the fact that Allah swt loves us even more than we love our own.. subhanAllah.


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