Yeah, the Bible is not for children

Via Facebook:

I was raised in a fairly liberal church, but we were still taught this story, along with the story of Abraham and Isaac and the Twelve Plagues of Egypt. Even after becoming an atheist, I took me awhile to realize how messed up they were.

  • Ace of Sevens

    Kids love the idea that their invisible friend will eventually smite people who are mean to them.

  • cowcakes

    @Ace of Sevens
    Well those that believe the Bible are mentally kids.

  • Mara

    I know! In my daughter’s Hebrew school class, they all had to do a project on one bible story and a buddy of mine chose Noah’s Ark for her daughter and I was just AGHAST. But every time I tried to explain what bothered me, everyone looked at me like *I* was nuts.

  • michaeljohnston
  • Banned Atheist

    Hmmm… Kinda makes me want to satirize it — maybe illustrate in comic book style, a’la Dave Gibbons’ “The Black Freighter”.

    Vividly illustrate. Make it turn the reader’s stomach and then twist some more like Dee Brown’s “Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee” in order to lend some perspective to the scope of the slaughter that this supposedly loving god visited upon it’s alleged creation. I’ve done a couple satires of religious tracts (one of them is published here) — satire of a children’s illustrated Bible seems a natural extension.

    Like I need another project. Stilllll…. I can already envision a splash page of Noah on the deck of his ark watching as unicorns and koala bears thrash and drown, never to be seen on the face of the earth again.

  • Banned Atheist


    The Unicorn
    A Poem by Shel Silverstein
    Recorded by the Irish Rovers

    A long time ago, when the Earth was green
    There was more kinds of animals than you’ve ever seen
    They’d run around free while the Earth was being born
    And the loveliest of all was the unicorn

    There was green alligators and long-necked geese
    Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
    Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
    The loveliest of all was the unicorn

    The Lord seen some sinning and it gave Him pain
    And He says, “Stand back, I’m going to make it rain”
    He says, “Hey Noah, I’ll tell you what to do
    Build me a floating zoo,
    and take some of those

    Green alligators and long-necked geese
    Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
    Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
    Don’t you forget My unicorns

    Old Noah was there to answer the call
    He finished up making the ark just as the rain started to fall
    He marched the animals two by two
    And he called out as they came through
    Hey Lord,

    I’ve got green alligators and long-necked geese
    Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
    Some cats and rats and elephants, but Lord, I’m so forlorn
    I just can’t find no unicorns”

    And Noah looked out through the driving rain
    Them unicorns were hiding, playing silly games
    Kicking and splashing while the rain was falling
    Oh, them silly unicorns

    There was green alligators and long-necked geese
    Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
    Noah cried, “Close the door because the rain is falling
    And we just can’t wait for no unicorns”

    The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide
    The unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried
    And the waters came down and sort of floated them away
    That’s why you never see unicorns to this very day

    You’ll see green alligators and long-necked geese
    Some humpty backed camels and some chimpanzees
    Some cats and rats and elephants, but sure as you’re born
    You’re never gonna see no unicorns.

  • TGAP Dad

    I am going to quibble – and I know I’m nitpicking here – with the wording in the graphic. Since there is no actual evidence of “Noah’s flood,” not even a trace of a whisper of a shadow, it can’t be the “most thorough act of genocide in history.” I have the same bone to pick when I hear religionists – unchallenged by atheists – characterize and then display the ten commandments as a “historical document,” since there is not even a hint of the existence of any original document (or tablet) in the historical record.asserts simply cede this assertion unopposed. Bring me any actual third-party (NOT from “the bible”) accounts – correspondence describing it, first-hand witness accounts, evidence of flooding consistent with the biblical account at the same stratum around the world, a bit of stone tablet which could be dated to Moses’ time, etc. I’m tired of these people -beven atheists – referring to these things as “historical.” They aren’t. So let’s stop doing it.

    • MNb0

      Do you mean the Ten Commandments were written less than years ago? No? Then they are a historical document. It is just a little less old than some relinuts like to believe.

    • MNb0

      less than ten years.

  • Gregory in Seattle

    I propose a rewrite: God orders a modern-day Noah to create a large underground facility and stock it with seeds and frozen embryos of every species. Then God unleashes a nuclear holocaust that destroys all life on the planet.

    After all, He promised not to send a second flood.

  • Tony •King of the Hellmouth•

    I wasn’t raised in a church going household, so I didn’t have any exposure to the story of Noah until well after I’d accepted I was an atheist. Do priests/pastors/preachers (btw, what the heck is the difference-if any-between these terms?) sanitize the story of Noah when talking about it? I can’t imagine they use the word genocide when talking about God’s vengeance, even though that’s what it was.

    • Chris Hallquist

      They don’t use the word genocide. I remember it being glossed over, like, people were really bad so God had to send a flood, okay now let’s spend a lot of time talking about cute animals and rainbows! But even that was a long time ago, so don’t take my word for it.

  • eric

    As a kid I don’t think I saw the flaws in the ark story. I don’t really remember learning the Abraham one. I do remember wondering why God hardened Pharoh’s heart when God wanted the Israelites to go free. Sooo…1 for 3 as a 5-8 year old. Not bad. :)

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