Bible tweets: Joshua through Pslams

The number of tweets/chapter is much lower here, because honestly the Bible gets boring after the Torah. Yeah, there’s lots of juicy violence, but it’s not even all that shocking once you’ve read the Torah, since it’s really just carrying out the commands to commit genocide found in those earlier books.

See also: previous posts in the series for Genesis and Exodus, Leviticus through Deuteronomy.

  • Yay, now on to tweeting my way through Joshua! (not)
  • Joshua 6:17: Kill everyone in Jericho except Rahab the prostitute.
  • Joshua 6:19 All Jericho’s silver and gold shall go into “God’s treasury.”
  • Joshua 6:21 Israelites “destroyed with the sword every living thing in [Jericho]—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.”
  • Joshua 6:24 Israelites burn Jericho and everything in it. Except the silver and gold. That went into “God’s treasury.”
  • Joshua 7: A man named Achan kept some of Jericho’s silver and gold for himself, so Israelites kill him & his sons & daughters.
  • Joshua 8:25 Israelites kill everyone in the city of Ai, men and women, 12,000 people total.
  • Or to quote Joshua 8:25 (NIV) exactly, “Twelve thousand men and women fell that day—all the people of Ai.”
  • Joshua 10:28 Joshua takes the city of Makkedah and leaves nothing alive.
  • Joshua 11: God helps Israelites defeat Hazorites and the Israelites kill them all.
  • Joshua 11:21-22: Joshua kills all the Anakim.
  • Joshua 15:16 “And Caleb said, ‘I will give my daughter Aksah in marriage to the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher.'”
  • Joshua 15:17 “And Othniel the son of Kenaz, the brother of Caleb, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.”
  • Judges 1:8 “The men of Judah attacked Jerusalem also and took it. They put the city to the sword and set it on fire.”
  • Judges 1:19 (1 of 2) “The Lord was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the…”
  • Judges 1:19 (2 of 2) “…people from the plains, because they had chariots fitted with iron.”
  • Judges 1:12-13: Caleb gives his daughter away as a prize.
  • Judges 2:14 “In his anger against Israel the Lord gave them into the hands of raiders who plundered them.”
  • Judges 3:8 God gets made at Israelites, so he “sold” them to another people who they were subject to for eight years.
  • Judges 3:19-22: Ehud has a secret message from God to the king, which turns out to be sticking a sword in the king’s belly.
  • Judges 4:1-2 After Ehud dies, Israelites do “evil in the sight of the Lord” again, so he sells them to another Canaanite king.
  • Judges 9:23, 49: God stirs up citizens of Shechem so that they set a tower on fire, killing a thousand men and women.
  • Judges 14:19 Samson kills 30 people so he can give their clothes to people for explaining a riddle, like he promised.
  • 15:4-5 Samson captures 300 foxes, ties tails together, ties torches to the tails, and sets them loose to destroy Philistine grain.
  • Judges 16:1 “One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her.”
  • Judges 16:27-30 Samson deliberately causes collapse of temple, killing himself and 3000 men and women.
  • Judges 18:27 Danites find a city at peace and burn it.
  • I just learned that the name “Jebus” actually appears in the Bible. It’s another name for Jerusalem (Judges 19:10).
  • Judges 19:22-30: [Redacted, it’s so horrible I would feel like a shitty person just tweeting it.]
  • Judges 21:11-14 To help Benjaminites recover from war, God tells them to massacre a town and take the virgin girls for themselves.
  • 1 Sam 6:19 God kills some people because they looked into the ark. 50,070 according to many manuscripts.
  • 1 Sam 11:6-7 Spirit of God comes on Saul, makes him hack up some oxen and threaten to do the same to the oxen of those who don’t follow him.
  • 1 Sam 15:3: God’s message to Saul re: Amalekites: Do not spare them. Put to death men and women, children and infants, and also the animals.
  • 1 Sam 15:9-11: God regrets making Saul king, because he let the Amalekite king and some animals live after killing all the other Amalekites.
  • 1 Sam 15:33 “Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD”
  • 2 Sam 1:26 David grieves for Jonathan: “my brother; you were dear to me. Your love for me was wonderful, more wonderful than that of women.”
  • 2 Sam 6:6-7 “Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. Therefore God struck him down.”
  • 2 Sam 12:11 God says He will punish David by letting another man have sex with all of David’s wives in broad daylight.
  • 2 Samuel 12:13-18: God kills one of David’s children to punish him.
  • 2 Sam 16:22: The punishment God announced in verse 12:11 is fulfilled by David’s son Absalom.
  • 2 Sam 24:1-15: God “moves” David to have a census, then punishes David for having the census by killing 70,000 Israelites.
  • I Kings 15:28: King Baasha “killed Jeroboam’s whole family” according to God’s word, “given through his servant Ahijah the Shilonite.”
  • 1 Kings 21: Because Ahab’s wife Jezebel was wicked, God will punish Ahab’s sons.
  • 1 Kings 22:22-23: God puts a “deceiving spirit” in the mouths of the prophets.
  • 2 Kings 1:10 The prophet Elijah says: “If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!” It does.
  • 2 Kings 1:12 The prophet Elijah says: “If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!” It does.
  • Note: previous two tweets not a mistake. In that chapter, basically the same thing happens twice.
  • 2 Kings 2:23-24: Some boys tell the prophet Elisha, “Get out of here, baldy!” So Elisha curses them in God’s name and bears maul 42 of them.
  • 2 Kings 8:1 “The Lord has decreed a famine in the land that will last seven years.”
  • 2 Kings 9:33-36 Jehu orders Jezebel killed, then says says it was God’s word that dogs would devour Jezebel’s flesh.
  • 2 Kings 10:11, 30: Jehu kills everyone in “the house of Ahab.” God rewards Jehu by giving 4 generations of his descendants the throne.
  • 2 Kings 14-16: God sends lions to kill some Samaritans for not worshiping him.
  • 1 Chronicles 13:9-10: Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark. God’s anger burned against Uzzah, and God killed him.
  • 1 Chron. 21:1-14: God punishes David for taking a census by sending a plague that kills 70,000 men in Israel.
  • 2 Chron 15:13 “All who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, were to be put to death, whether small or great, man or woman.”
  • 2 Chronicles 18:22 “So now the Lord has put a deceiving spirit in the mouths of these prophets of yours.”
  • 2 Chron 19:2: Jehu asks: “Should you help the wicked and love those who hate the Lord? Because of this, the wrath of the Lord is on you.”
  • 2 Chron. 36:16-17 Israelites mocked God’s messengers, so he sends Babylonian king against them, who kills many, incl. young women & elderly.
  • Ezra 9:2-3: Ezra finds out some Israelites “have mingled the holy race with the peoples around them.” This makes him pull out his hair.
  • Ezra 10:10-11: Ezra tells the Israelite men to “separate” themselves from their “foreign wives.”
  • Nehemiah 13:25-27: The prophet curses, beats, pulls out people’s hair, to teach them not to marry foreigners.
  • Psalms 2:8-9 “Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance… You will break them with a rod of iron.”
  • Psalms 10:1: “Why, Lord, do you stand far off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?”
  • Psalms 8:5: Humans: a little lower than angels.
  • Psalm 11:5 “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.”
  • Psalm 13:1 “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”
  • Pslam 5:5 God hates all “workers of iniquity.”
  • Psalm 41:1 “Blessed is he that considereth the poor.”
  • Psalm 50:22: “Consider this, you who forget God, or I will tear you to pieces.”
  • Psalm 58:6: “Break the teeth in their mouths, O God.”
  • Psalm 58:8 “May they be like a slug that melts away as it moves along, like a stillborn child that never sees the sun.”
  • Psalm 58:10 “The righteous will be glad when they are avenged, when they dip their feet in the blood of the wicked.”
  • Psalm 59:10 “The God of my mercy shall prevent me: God shall let me see my desire upon mine enemies.”
  • Psalm 79:6 Pslamist to God: “Pour out your wrath on the nations that do not acknowledge you, on the kingdoms that do not call on your name.”
  • Psalm 82:6 “I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.”
  • Psalm 105:29 God “turned their waters into blood, causing their fish to die.”
  • Psalm 105:30 “Their land teemed with frogs, which went up into the bedrooms of their rulers.”
  • Psalm 105:31 “He spoke, and there came swarms of flies, and gnats throughout their country.”
  • Psalm 105:32 “He turned their rain into hail, with lightning throughout their land”
  • Psalm 105:33 “he struck down their vines and fig trees and shattered the trees of their country.”
  • Psalm 105:34 “He spoke, and the locusts came, grasshoppers without number.”
  • Psalm 105:35 “They ate up every green thing in their land, ate up the produce of their soil.”
  • Psalm 105:36 “Then he struck down all the firstborn in their land, the firstfruits of all their manhood.”
  • Psalm 110:6 God “will judge the nations, heaping up the dead and crushing the rulers of the whole earth.”
  • Psalm 120:7 “I am for peace: but when I speak, they are for war.”
  • Psalm 136:10 “To him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt His love endures forever.”
  • Psalm 137:9 (Directed at the city of Babylon.) “Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.”
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