Tweeting my way through the Bible: Leviticus through Deuteronomy

Here’s my second crop of Bible tweets. The first installment was here, along with my explanation of the project. 

I learned a couple of things while going through these books of the Bible: first, while I a lot of people (like this guy) associate Leviticus with crazy laws, most of Leviticus is actually just boring. That’s why I only had 1 tweet from the first 19 books of Leviticus.

Deuteronomy, on the other hand, is just wall to wall insanity. After tweeting my way through it, I think it’s a strong candidate for the worst book in the Bible. Definitely worse than Leviticus. It’s main redeeming feature is that, unlike the New Testament, there’s no hint of thought crimes or eternal punishments.

P.S. to see future Bible tweets, follow me on Twitter here.

  • Lev 10:1-2: Aaron’s sons offer the LORD “strange fire.” He burns them to death.
  • Lev 20:13 “If a man has sex with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death.”
  • Lev 20:14 “If a man marries a woman & her mother, it is wicked. All 3 must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you.”
  • Lev 20:18 If a man has sex with a woman who’s on her period, both of them “are to be cut off from their people.”
  • Lev 20:27 Stone to death witches and wizards.
  • Lev 21:9: If the daughter of a priest becomes a prostitute, burn her.
  • Lev 22:10-12: Only priest’s family can eat holy food. His slaves can eat it too, but his daughter can’t if she marries a non-priest.
  • Lev 23:30 God will destroy anyone who works on the day of atonement.
  • Lev 24:16 “Anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death. The entire assembly must stone them.”
  • Lev 24:23 Moses tells Israelites to kill a guy who “cursed.” They do (“as the LORD commanded.”)
  • Lev 25:44: Only buy slaves from other nations.
  • Lev 26:14-17: God sez if you don’t listen to him, he’ll kill you.
  • Lev 26:18 God sez “If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over.”
  • Lev 26:21 God sez “If you remain hostile toward me and refuse to listen to me, I will multiply your afflictions seven times over.”
  • Lev 26:22 God sez “I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children.”
  • Lev 26:24, 27-28: Two more examples of the “I’ll punish you seven times” threat.
  • Lev 26:29 God sez if you disobey him, he’ll make you eat your kids.
  • I’ve been tweeting my way through the Bible for awhile now, but for some reason, I suddenly feel badly in need of a break after the…
  • …”if you disobey me I will make you eat your kids thing.” Somehow, I’m even more disgusted by that than all the Bible’s other hateful crap
  • Num 3:4 God kills Aaron’s sons for “offering strange fire.”
  • Geniunely puzzled by Leviticus 27:1-8. Something about putting monetary value on people, but not sure what values used for.
  • Num 5:11-31 If a man thinks his wife cheated on him, make her drink “bitter water.” Don’t worry, if she’s innocent she’ll be fine!
  • Num 11:1 The people complained, so God burned some of them to death.
  • Num 11:18-20: Israelites are complaining about their lack of meat, so God vows to give them meat until it’s coming out of their nostrils.
  • Num 11:31-33: After giving the Israelites more quail than they can eat, God smites them with a plague for good measure.
  • Num 12:1, 10: Miriam criticizes Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman. God gives her leprosy.
  • Num 14:12-16: God says he’ll destroy Israelites with plague, make greater nation from Moses. But Moses says it’ll look bad to other nations.
  • Numbers 14:18 The Lord is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished…
  • …he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.
  • Numbers 14:29 Instead of killing everyone, God says he’ll make sure no one currently over 20 lives to see the promised land.
  • Numbers 15:32-36: Israelites find a man gathering sticks on Saturday. God tells them to kill him. They do.
  • Num 16:1-3: Korah, Dathan and Abiram call out Moses &Aaron “You’ve gone too far! All the people are holy, so why set yourselves above them?”
  • 16:32-36 God uses live burial and burning alive to punish men who challenged Moses, their households included.
  • Num 16:41-50: Whole Israelite community complains that Moses and Aaron have killed God’s people. So God sends a plague that kills 14,700.
  • Num 17:12-13: Israelites are worried they’re all going to die.
  • Num 18:6-8: Only Levites can go near sanctuary. Anyone else who goes near it shall be put to death.
  • Num 21:5-6: Israelites complain more, so God sends poisonous snakes that kill many of them.
  • Num 21:9 Moses makes bronze snake so anyone who gets a poisonous snakebite can look at the bronze snake and not die.
  • Okay… does anyone understand the point of the story of Balaam and his talking donkey in Numbers 22?
  • Numb 25:1-5: God orders the deaths of a bunch more Israelites because they had sex with Moabite women.
  • Num 25:6-9: Phinehas kills Israelite man and Midianite woman with one spear thrust. God is happy, and ends the plague that killed 24,000.
  • Numbers 26:61 Two people die when they offer “strange fire” to God.
  • Num 31:7 Israelites “fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man.”
  • Num 31:9 “The Israelites captured the Midianite women and children and took all the Midianite herds, flocks and goods as plunder.”
  • Num 31:10 Israelites “burned all the towns where the Midianites had settled, as well as all their camps.”
  • Num 31:14-15: Moses is mad at the Israelites for letting Midianite women live.
  • Num 31:17-18: Moses to Israelites: “Kill all the boys and all the women who’ve slept with a man. But save the virgins for yourselves.”
  • Num 33:50-53: God tells Israelites to drive Canaanites out of their lands, destroy their holy symbols, and take the land for themselves.
  • Num 33:55-56: If Israelites fail to drive Canaanites out of their land, God will do the Israelites what he was going to do to the Canaanites
  • Deut 2:34-35 Moses says, “we took all his towns and completely destroyed them—men, women and children. We left no survivors…”
  • “…But the livestock and the plunder from the towns we had captured we carried off for ourselves.”
  • Deut 3:3-6 Moses says: We completely destroyed 60 cities, leaving no survivors, men, women, or children.
  • Det 4:25-26 God says: If you make any kind of idol, you will quickly perish from the land.
  • Deut 6:14-15 “Do not follow other gods, for God is a jealous God and his anger will burn against you, and he will destroy you.”
  • Deut 7:2 When the Lord your God has delivered them over to you, then you must destroy them totally. Show them no mercy.
  • Deut 7:14 “Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle”
  • Deut 7:16 “And thou shalt consume all the people which the LORD thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity upon them.”
  • Deut 7:23 “The LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed.”
  • Deut 12:2-3 Destroy alters and other places where people worship other gods, and destroy the images of those gods too.
  • Deut 13:1-5: If a prophet says, “Let’s follow other gods,” kill him, even if he gave you a “sign or wonder.”
  • Deut 13:6-11: If a family members says “let’s worship other gods,” show them no pity. Don’t shield them. Stone them to death as an example.
  • Deut 13:12-15: If you find out a town has been led astray to worship other gods, kill everyone in the town.
  • Deut 17:2-7: If you catch someone worshiping other gods, stone them to death. Witnesses throw the first stones, then “all the people” throw.
  • Deut 17:12 A man who doesn’t listen to a priest shall DIE!
  • Deut 17:15-17 The king shall not have many horses, or wives, or too much silver and gold. (Hallq’s Q: is a couple horses or wives OK?)
  • Deut 20:10-15 When you march against a far away city, offer them a chance to be slaves first. If they refuse, kill the men, enslave rest.
  • Deut 20:16 “In the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes.”
  • Deut 21:10-13 If you take a beautiful woman captive in war, give her a month to mourn her father before you “go in unto her.”
  • Deut 21:18-21 Kill rebellious children so that “all Israel shall hear, and fear.”
  • Deut 22:5 It’s an abomination to God for women to wear men’s clothes or vice-versa.
  • Deut 22:13-19 If a man falsely accuses his wife of not being a virgin when they wed, and her family has the bloody sheets to prove it he…
  • …must pay his father in law 100 shekels as a compensation.
  • Deut 22:20-21: BUT if there’s no bloody sheets from the wedding night, kill the bride.
  • Deut 22:22 If a man is found “lying with” another man’s wife, kill them both.
  • Here’s an idea for a game: if Old Testament law applied today, how many times over would you be dead?
  • Rest of chapter 22 of Deuteronomy is too disgusting, can’t finish tweeting it now.
  • Deut 22:23-24 If a man has sex with a virgin woman and the woman is engaged, kill them. The woman, bc “she cried not, being in the city.”
  • Deut 22:28 “22:28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found”
  • Deut 22:29 “Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife.”
  • Deut 25:19 “You shall blot out the name of Amalek from under heaven. Do not forget!” (Amalek = another tribe)
  • Deut 28:15 If you don’t follow the LORD God’s commandments, he’ll hit you with all the following curses…
  • Deut 28:30 Among the curses for disobeying God: “You will be pledged to be married to a woman, but another will take her and rape her.”
  • Previous tweet quoting from the sometimes-sanitized NIV translation, by the way.
  • Deut 28:52-53 If you disobey God, he’ll make your enemies lay siege to the city you’re in and starve you to the point you eat your kids.
  • Deut 28:54-56 If you disobey God, it doesn’t matter how gentle you normally are, you’ll still eat your family.
  • Deut 28 contains lots more awful things God will do to people who disobey him that I won’t quote here.
  • Deut 30:7 All those things God threatened to do to you if you disobey? He’ll do them to your enemies instead if you’re good!
  • Deut 31:3 God will destroy other nations for you so you can take their land.
  • Deut 32:42 God says, “I will make my arrows drunk with blood, while my sword devours flesh.”
  • Okay, I think I’m done tweeting my way through the Torah. So glad to be done. But now onto the rest of the Bible…
  • You know, if I were writing a fantasy novel, and wanted to create a Religion of Evil, basing it on the Bible would be a good place to start.
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