Bible tweets: the rest of the Old Testament

Previously in the series: Genesis and Exodus, Leviticus through Deuteronomy, Joshua through Psalms, Proverbs through Song of Songs, Isaiah through Ezekiel.

Okay, done tweeting my way through the Old Testament. Now on to the New. This ends up being pretty short, as most of the books are kind of boring.

Story: I have a cousin who’s an evangelical Christian and lives in California. He one told me, as an example of how crazy liberal Berkeley is, about how a seminary student there once wrote something arguing that the Book of Hosea, where the prophet is commanded to take a “wife of whoredoms,” should be removed from the canon because of its misogyny. Rereading it now, I see the point, though Jeremiah and Ezekiel are just as bad.

Also, this post contains one final example of God forcing people to engage in cannibalism.

  • Dan 3:29 Nebuchadnezzar is so impressed by a miracle, he decrees any who blaspheme the Jewish God shall be torn limb from limb.
  • Dan 5 is the source of two famous idioms: “saw the writing on the wall” and “weight in the balance and found wanting.”
  • In the book of Daniel, kings are repeatedly told to live forever.
  • Dan 6:24: Darius has men who got Daniel thrown into lions den themselves thrown there… along with their wives and children.
  • Hosea 1:2 Because the land has committed whoredom by foresaking God, God commands Hosea to take a wife of whoredoms.
  • Hosea 2:1-3: Hosea tells his children their mother isn’t his wife, and to tell her to stop being a whore lest he “kill her with thirst.”
  • Hosea 2:4: Hosea says he won’t have mercy on “her” (i.e. his) children, because they’re children of whoredoms.
  • Actually, I’m not sure who’s talking in Hosea 2… it might be God.
  • Hosea 2 is basically God describing what he’ll do to his whore babymama. I think.
  • Hosea 6:6 “I desired mercy, not sacrifice.”
  • Hosea 13:16: Because the Samaritans rebelled against God, they’ll be killed; their babies dashed to pieces, their pregnant women ripped up.
  • Joel 1:15 “Alas for the day! For the day of the Lord is near, and as destruction from the Almighty it comes.”
  • Joel 2:1 “Blow the trumpet in Zion; sound the alarm on my holy mountain!… for the day of the Lord is coming, it is near.”
  • Joel 3:10 “Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears.”
  • I just realized that when Isaiah talked about beating swords into plowshares, he may have been deliberately subverting an earlier prophet.
  • Joel 3:14: “the day of the Lord is near”
  • @colinrosenthal Well, if Joel was subverting Isaiah, then Joel was a real asshole.
  • Amos 4:1 “Hear thid, you cows of Bashan… who oppress the poor, who crush the needy, who say to their husbands ‘Bring something to drink!’”
  • I like that Amos is down in people who oppress the poor, but why single out the women?
  • Given how famous the Parable of the Good Samaritan is, interesting to see how the Old Testament has a hate-on for Samaria, e.g. Michah 1:6.
  • Goal: have finished reading the entire Old Testament (for 3rd time) in 9 days. And never do it again.
  • Some but not all trans. of Habakkuk 2:16 reference foreskin, circumcision, or nudity. Can anyone explain original Hebrew to me?
  • Zephaniah 1:4-6: God will “cut off” those who bow to “the host of the heavens,” those who swear by Milcom, and those who’ve not sought God.
  • Zephaniah 1:7: “the day of the LORD is at hand”
  • Zephaniah 1:8: God will punish “all who dress themselves in foreign attire.”
  • Zephaniah 2:5 “Ah, inhabitants of the seacoast… I will destroy you until no inhabitant is left.”
  • Zechariah 10:3: God says: ” Mine anger was kindled against the shepherds, and I punished the goats.”
  • Zechariah 11:9: God says: “I will not feed you. Let the dying die, and let the rest eat each other’s flesh.”
  • Zechariah 14:21 “in that day there shall be no more the Canaanite in the house of the LORD of hosts.”
  • Malachi 1:2-3: God says, “I have loved Jacob but I have hated Esau; I have made his hill country a desolation and his heritage a desert.”
  • Malachi 1:4 God says to Edom: “They may build, but I will tear down, until they are called… the people the Lord is angry at forever.”
  • “…lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” <— Final words of Christian Old Testament.
  • Slow Learner

    Re Good Samaritan – the whole point of highlighting the Samaritan as the one who helps out the man who has been robbed is that Samaritans are despised by the Jews.
    In order to tell that parable to a group of libertarians, it would have to be a government bureaucrat who helped the man who was robbed; to a group from the British National Party it would have to be an immigrant.

    • The Other Weirdo

      Do you mean that the Good Samaritan parable is true, from a certain point of view?

      • Delphi Psmith

        All parables are true…from a certain point of view. That’s what makes them parables, no?

  • Bronze Dog

    “…lest I come and smite the earth with a curse.” <— Final words of Christian Old Testament.

    I’m amusing myself by imagining it’s foreshadowing Jesus as the curse. I think it’s arguably appropriate since, IIRC, he was the one to introduce Hell.

    • Delphi Psmith

      Well, the ancient Greeks had Tartarus, and they preceded Jesus by a considerable number of years.

  • Anat

    Some but not all trans. of Habakkuk 2:16 reference foreskin, circumcision, or nudity. Can anyone explain original Hebrew to me?

    The Hebrew term for foreskin (‘orla) means literally ‘covering’, the uncircumcised penis is thus the covered penis. (Also often prophets speak of covered/uncircumcised ears, hearts etc – it’s from the same root.) Habakuk 2:15-16 describe people getting drunk and naked, though the use of ‘he’arel’ for *un*dressing doesn’t make literal sense.

    Of the 12 minor book prophets, my school only taught Amos, Jonah and Micah (Micah 6:8 was the school motto). Amos is a work of rhetorical art, and has some cool ideas here and there. I think my school chose reasonably well.