Chronicle Ad Spawns Plethora of Open Letters: Fire My Bishop, Too!

Chronicle Ad Spawns Plethora of Open Letters: Fire My Bishop, Too! April 16, 2015

Readers at this blog, inspired by the knowledge that Pope Francis is just as likely to read Patheos as he is to read The Chronicle, have been inquiring whether they can place advertisements addressed to the Holy Father concerning their bishops, too.  I’m not strictly sure whether my contract allows me to accept payment for such things, so I’m running a few for free.  As you can see, there are many, many bishops guilty of offenses along the same lines as Archbishop Cordileone.

Dear Pope Francis,

In my diocese, there is a priest who always uses Eucharistic Prayer IV when he’s allowed to do so, even though I really prefer Prayer I.  Also, one time that same exact priest posted the wrong hymn number on the number board thingamajig, causing us all to think we were supposed to sing Dies Irae during Easter.  He apologized and the organist called out the correct hymn number, but some of us had already bookmarked our hymnals.

I do not understand why this terrible priest has not been sent to do lifelong penance in a Cistercian monastery, where they probably like that stuff.  Please fire my bishop.

 

Dear Holy Father,

My bishop has forbidden us to advertise bingo and other games of chance in our diocesan newspaper.  This is unfair discrimination against Catholics who really love gambling, and means that we will have to find another way to get addicts from around our diocese to pay for our new parish gymnasium.  Clearly the bishop hates children and sports and wants us all to die from a forced sedentary lifestyle.

Please fire him immediately.  Also, please make sure our new bishop can mix a decent cocktail, because if I have to drink one more glass of free White Zinfandel I am going to apostatize.

 

Dear Mr. Pope Sir,

I have recently been removed from my position as a catechist due to unfair discrimination in my diocese against non-Trinitarian theists.  My bishop has issued hostile statements insisting that our parish begin every Mass with the Sign of the Cross, and recently started stocking offensive books called Catechisms throughout the diocese.

We object to any prayer with the word cross in it, as it is a naturally querulous term, evoking feelings of impatience or even anger.  Meanwhile, the canine members of our congregation feel excluded by the use of the term “Cat” in the title of the bishop’s book, even though admittedly anything with that many footnotes probably was not written by a dog.

Clearly he does not understand the spirit of welcome and inclusion that you have been preaching.   Enclosed is a list of suitable replacement candidates for your consideration, many of whom have agreed to start coming to Catholic church if appointed.

 

Dear Pastoral Friend,

You have said priests “should smell their like sheep,” but my pastor categorically refuses to admit livestock to Mass, even during Christmas.  Clearly he hates St. Francis.  Please fire my bishop.

 

File:Cat piano 1883.jpg
Situations like this require a Cat Piano.

Artwork: Cat Piano [Public Domain] via Wikimedia.


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