Topless Theodicy

July 5, 2012 By 3 Comments

D. Keith Mano is not well remembered today (even though, last I checked, he was still alive). He was at one time a columnist for National Review and a novelist with real talent and comic timing. Here’s a bit from my favorite scene he ever wrote. The novel is novel Topless. The narrator is Fr. Mike, a young, assistant Episcopal priest in Nebraska on his way to New York to sort out the disappearance of his brother:

[A]s my plane leaves Omaha, we hit this big-shouldered thunderstorm. Lightning actually knocked a wing-light off. And we kept flopping into air shafts Sudden elevator, whoops, going down. Stomachs turn inside/out. For me it’s a thrill — after Lekachman, [Nebraska] even near-death experiences are refreshing.

But the lady beside me is blitzed with fear. She asks if I’ll send up a prayer for us all.

I say, “Don’t worry, it’ll be all right.”

“Pray, damn it,” she says.

“God is watching us. We’re okay. If you want forgiveness, pray yourself.”

“I don’t believe in religion.”

Whoomp, big drop. Someone screams.

“You don’t believe, but you want me t’pray? That doesn’t make sense.”

“You believe, you pray.”

“I believe — and I don’t believe in bothering God with my problems. If he wants me t’die, there’s a darned good reason.”

“There may be a darned good reason for you t’die, but not for me.”

“Lord,” I said. “Forgive this woman her anger, and her mean-spiritedness — and if it be Your will t’take her into Thy bosom this day, be gentle and cleanse her narrow soul.”

“Narrow soul” really got to her. She screamed.

“He’s praying against me. He’s praying against me” [more...]

Filed Under: Stupid Stupid People Tagged With: , , , , 3 Comments
  • Michael P

    Snarky, sarcastic…I LOVE IT!

  • http://freelancelibrarian.blogspot.com/ Michelene Orteza

    Everything I know about topless bars I learned from this novel, and I think of it whenever I eat ravioli.
    My favorite Mano line is from one of his NR columns, in which he describes being (almost) mugged, and how his assailant wouldn’t chase him down through mud while wearing new sneakers: “Fastidiousness saved my life.” I take that as my epitaph.

  • Bill

    As National Review’s Gimlet Eye Mano reported on the research he undertook for Topless, including his interviews during of topless/bottomless dancers. Entering an establishment he made his request—and, yes, the next dancer would meet with him after her performance. She came from behind the stage to find Mano waiting. She said, “You’re a writer. Where have you been published?” 

    Mano said, “Oh, Playboy, Harper’s. National Review…” She started, to exclaim, “National Rev…!” The dancer said, “WHO ARE YOU?” He replied, “Well, uh, Keith Mano…” The dancer said, “Whoa, The Gimlet Eye!” (Look who’s naked now, Keith!)  

    At this point Mano took the second person imperative, “Readers, you must understand! This NEVER happens!” Then he lapsed into a paragraph of Moralism which, as a morally serious writer, he was rarely reduced to. (Even the cool of Keith Mano could be penetrated!) :-)