Friday is for Friends

Oct 13, 2006 @ 2:30 By 7 Comments

Joseph Epstein’s fine study, Friendship: An Expose, has a chp on “friendlessness.” The chp, which speaks of a few kinds of friendlessness, led me to ponder a number of things.
Some are friendless because they have not made friends, some are friendless because their friends have died, some are friendless because they are not friendly. Epstein’s chp trades mostly with the second.
Do you have friends who have died? Got a story to share with us?
“We must,” Samuel Johnson once said, “either outlive our friends you know, or our friends must outlive us; and I see no man who would hesitate about the choice.”
One of my college basketball teammates, Kevin, who (rather surprisingly) became a pastor and left his teaching career at a high school, died too young. Colon cancer. We lived at the opposite ends of our county, but we saw one another about once a year or more inspite of having 30something and 40something busy careers; our sons shared one of our passions — basketball. As our two sons were coming into their high school prime, when fathers get to enjoy “the second time around” in a sports career by swapping stories with their sons, the doctors discovered his cancer and it ransacked his body. I went up to Zion periodically to talk and spend time with Kevin — I remember our last time together he was eating ice cubes and at one point observed that he had some unusual pain in his side. “Never had that one before.”
A few years later, his youngest son asked, through a friend, if I would have lunch with him. He wanted me to talk about his dad because he hadn’t heard all of Kevin’s great stories about life in college. (He was in grade school when his father died.) So, we sat at a pizza shop, Keith and I (with his school administrator, a friend of mine, too), and I talked about Kevin. About how he gave everyone a nickname. He called me “Adi” (for Adidas) because I had a bunch of Adidas boxes in my dorm room. About how he could create fun in every situation. Last year I saw his son in Boston when I was speaking there, and he once again wanted to hear some more stories about his dad. I was, and still am, glad I was Kevin’s friend. Recently I spoke at a church and Trish, his wife, came to the service.
“The dead,” Epstein observes so well, “if they made a strong impress upon us when they were alive, never leave us, not really, not finally.” I agree with him. [He used "impress" not "impression."]
I can still see Kevin horsing around the way he did with his fingers, and every time I get near a McDonald’s I remember that Kevin once took his family into a Micky D’s and ordered one of everything — just for the fun of it. “Never leave us,” that’s for sure.

Filed Under: Books 7 Comments
About Scot McKnight

Scot McKnight is a recognized authority on the New Testament, early Christianity, and the historical Jesus. McKnight, author of more than thirty books, is the Professor of New Testament at Northern Seminary in Lombard, IL.

  • http://www.communityofjesus.blogspot.com/ Ted Gossard

    Yes. I have a grandpa, that next to Jesus, I look forward to seeing the most. And another friend who did live into his 80′s. But I do look forward to seeing him as well. And in the case of both, in a sense they never leave us. I think of them occasionally. And something of that fellowship or relationship or companionship is remembered and really still a part of my heart, and of who I am.

  • http://philosophicalpastor.wordpress.com Susan

    My best friend died in a skydiving accident, right before his 21st birthday. He was the only person I’ve met to date who I believed has really “understood” me. A unique personality, he was, in many ways: artistic and adventurous (thus, the skydiving), contemplative and congenial.

  • http://www.mytrueself.typepad.com Jennifer

    Scot,
    Kind of an off-topic question….did you skip the chapter on “Friendships New Rival” on purpose?

  • BeckyR

    Yeh, almost 2 yrs ago. Wanda, in our church, had been there 20 some years. We supported her 7 yr battle with non-hodgkins, and got to be involved when she died. She was my age, and that made it eerie. Her hubby is still in our church, and we get to talk of her. I still have a pic of her on our cork board, cuz I don’t want to forget what she looked like. Not ready yet, almost 2 yrs out now, to take the pic down. She was easy to love. This last year I’ve had times I wished she was still here to give me advice how to handle cancer. But at the same time, I’ve drawn on her example of handling it, in my attempt to be faithful to God. She is in me as a model. Love ya Wanda!

  • http://www.erud-awakening.blogspot.com Gina

    I’ve never had a friend die, but through being extremely “mobile” as a campus minister, had to say goodbye too many times. I think this should be added to the list of reasons why people end up “friendless,” or at least bereft of the sort of friendships where people who really know you are still involved in your daily life.

  • http://www.xanga.com Jinny

    Jennifer,
    Scot doesn’t seem to be going in any particular order when he refers to Epstein’s book (last reference was Chapt 17!), just when it happens to relate to a reflection.

  • http://www.JesusCreed.org Scot McKnight

    I did skip that chp because I thought we had discussed the topic of friendship and how marriage impacts it. But, yes Jinny, I do either just quote some of him or reflect on what he says — depends on how the chp strikes me.