This post is by Laura Ortberg Turner, who reflects here on Moses, Exodus 33, and how God sometimes disappoints … and then we learn…. Her set of thoughts will lead you to ponder this morning, so blessings on your ponderings … and many thanks to Laura for this fine piece. Go ahead and drop your thoughts and ponderings in the comment box.
C.S. Lewis has a quote that slays me every time I read it: “The stamp of the saint is that he can waive his own rights and obey the Lord Jesus.”
By so many accounts, I am not a saint. I am more concerned with my rights and getting what I want than I care to admit. And when God gives to me gifts that I do not recognize as such, my reaction is more frequently disappointment than gratitude. In this, I think I am not alone. In fact, I think that with Moses, I am in good company.
There are a lot of things about the Biblical story of Moses that stand out to me. The whole killing-a-man-and-running-away thing, for one, and the parting of the Red Seas, the giving of the commandments to the nation of Israel and how he once called himself the most humble man in the world (Numbers 12:3). But one part of his story I hadn’t given much thought to until recently is a conversation between Moses and God that unfolds over just a few verses in Exodus 33.
Here, we find Moses doing something that I can easily identify with: whining. He seems to be complaining to God, recounting just how much Moses has done for God and asking for assurance that God will go with them when they leave Sinai. Moses says to God, “Show me your glory.”
And things are looking pretty good here for Moses. God says that he will “make all my goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim before you the name, The LORD” (33:19). Imagine being Moses in this scenario. You, who have spent your whole life following God’s commands and leading God’s people out of the wilderness – you, who have been broken by God, have sung songs of praise to God and spoken to Pharaoh about the power of God and spoken to God in a burning bush. You want to see his face, to know his presence, to stand in the all-consuming universe of his love.
“But,” says God.
But.
“You cannot see my face; for no one shall see me and live” (v. 20). Go stand on that rock, God says, and “while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by; then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back; but my face shall not be seen” (v. 22-23).
What a disappointment! How insensitive, it would seem, of God to deny a very heartfelt request from a man who had spent his whole life in God’s service.
And that, really, fits in with so much of the human experience with God. We ask God for something – healing, an experience, a closeness – and we build certain expectations and create our reality around that, refusing to live in the reality of the mystery of God.
How must Moses have felt? How do we react when our expectations of God or life are disappointed, and how do we seek God (or allow God to seek us) in the face of that disappointment? When we are unwilling to live in the reality of the mystery of God, we will find ourselves facing frequent disappointment and we will feel, in the words of that well-accepted axiom, that ‘life is unfair.’ What we will miss is nothing less than the experience of total transformation.
God is not, as Scot reminded me, a tame lion who will do our bidding if we only ask persuasively enough or perform charmingly enough. But how do we understand that? It is easy enough to say that God’s ways are higher than ours and perhaps not always meant for our understanding. It is another thing entirely to live with peace when we don’t get what we want from God – especially when what we want is to see God’s face.
God disappoints me all the time.
I pray to him for things that I know matter to him – for someone I love to be drawn close to him; for a heart that is without contempt; for a deepening community. And what I hear, what I see come of this, is rarely the thing that I want. God disappoints me all the time.
And that is so much more about me than it is about God.
God disappoints me because I expect, I demand, I think that I know best. I want to see his face, and when I insist that only seeing his face will satisfy me, I will inevitably be disappointed when he covers my eyes to pass before me. When I get so stuck on one thing being the answer to my prayer, I have then failed to live in view of God’s all-encompassing ‘God-ness,’ which is to say, some combination of his deepest wisdom, transcendence, character, goodness, and generosity. And when what I want is for my dear friend to come to know God—which is a good thing to want—part of my own growing process is to trust that God will do what he does, what only he can do, and to know that neither the process nor the outcome are mine to control.
It is a holy ‘but’ that God whispers to us. (Is it a sign of my immaturity that I am giggling after writing that sentence?) It is in that small word that we are reminded that there is a God, and that we are not him. It is in that word that we relinquish our small and strong desires, letting them be subsumed by his good and perfect will. It is when we hear that word that, finally, his kingdom may start to come. We live in the reality of the mystery of the God who will not show his face right now but instead will bring us to him for all eternity. We will ask for dirt and he will give us riches, and we will wonder why in the moment and then, one day, we will see face to face.
Just to be awkward, how do we handle the tension between one Biblical tradition, which says you can’t see God, found here, and, for instance, in John’s Gospel, and a second, which says you can? We have visions of God described in several places; Ezekiel 1, Isaiah 6, Exodus 24, Revelation 4, and doubtless others I’ve forgotten.
Excellent post… wonderful words to chew on. Thank you!
My reaction to this is that it might not be the right answer for people facing the worst disappointments – someone who lost the lives of all their children in a car accident, for example, or a young father being told he has a terminal illness and will die within the year and not get to raise his kids. The former happened to my cousin, the latter to me (although a year later my illness is under control, for the time being at least – but as part of the journey I have met 3 friends who have died from the same thing).
For those people, this sort of message will likely make them angry, and it won’t satisfy. There are times when God’s silence is deafening, and it cannot be resolved with these sorts of thoughts. There is a Christian tradition that we don’t have to push our worst thoughts away and deny them, but instead we embrace them and pray them openly and honestly into the silence.
EricG, Yes, I think you are onto something. Sometimes the cries of pain following disappointment, even despair, flow into a deadening and deafening silence … it seems Laura’s post might even speak into that with some kind of hope, however painful to embrace, awaits beyond the deafening silence.
I tend to think it is the trembling grasp of hope that sustains when the silence cries out for meaning.
EricG,
Thanks for sharing that. I don’t think there are any ‘pret a porter’ thoughts or answers for those kinds of experiences. As you mentioned, there are companions (alive and asleep) who have walked a similar road who can point a possible way forward, who can truly sympathize from shared (or worse) experience. God be with you.
Scot — Thanks, I agree that sometimes that glimmer of hope can sustain. But a lot of times it can’t — the hope “muscle” is just incapable of working at times, and even telling someone to hope in those times can make it worse. Part of what I am saying is that that is ok. We don’t have to cast aside our disappointment, or put pressure on ourselves to embrace a hope that we are incapable of feeling at the time. And we don’t have to think our disappointment is misplaced and wrong in all circumstances. Instead, at times it is ok to embrace the disappointment and pray the awful torrent of emotions to God. Sometimes that is the only thing we can do, and sometimes that is exactly what we are supposed to do.
T — very, very good point about companions who have walked the same road. Ed Dobson, a pastor who has a terminal illness, has a video series that recently came out about his experience (called “Ed’s Story” — I highly recommend it). One of the videos is all about the relationships he has formed with others facing the same thing. There is a true comraderie that is very powerful that comes out of it.
Eric: here is an article by Gary Moon you might like: http://conversationsjournal.com/forgiving-god/
I can totally relate to this post.
But I find it more in the Psalms,and to be honest in many of the other books too.
It’s a real problem for me – Disappointment with God.
The last 10 years have been the darkest time of my Christian life i have ever known.Total silence,a praying and calling out into the darkness for God,for closeness with him…and nothing.
But we walk by faith,not feelings or even answers to prayer.
The question is not where is God,but where is my faith/commitment to God in this time.
Thanks for that, Laura: well written and well received.
Scot,
I like reflecting on this topic and like Laura’s thoughts. This past summer, Dr. Chuck DeGroat preached on Psalm 22… Finding God in the Dark. I think our people need us to teach them how to lament, grieve, and hope at the same time. Here’s a link to his sermon for anyone interested.
http://www.citychurchsf.org/resources/multimedia/details/?id=107292
Faith does not deny the reality of tragedy, sickness or death. But it says that God is bigger than all those things, that He gets the last word on them and that that last word is a good one. I have been blogging a series of personal confessions adapted from the Psalms, in which I “confess” (agree with) and affirm that “last word.” The kingdom of God has broken into the world; the eschaton has entered into the middle of history, and I believe that God’s “last word” on things is very powerful in this present time for life and healing and restoration.
Wonderful thoughts! Thank you!
EricG, you are spot on with much of what you say — and especially when you say that “at times it is ok to embrace the disappointment and pray the awful torrent of emotions to God. Sometimes that is the only thing we can do, and sometimes that is exactly what we are supposed to do.” That is beautifully written, and so true. I don’t mean at all to provide a prescription for what we all must do when God disappoints us; only to share some of my thoughts about what has been helpful for me.
Largely, my disappointments have been small and non life-threatening, for me and those I love. That is still somewhat uncharted territory, and I defer completely to those who have been there before me. Thanks for your comments.
I relate to this post in that ever since I got reinvolved with my faith, god has disappointed. I have not once experienced god as a gentle and loving father. Rather, his answers (assuming that they are his in the first place) have always… been harsh and pain-filled. The comments on the post are actually an important part of this entry. There is a breaking point for me that has been reached as it pertains to god. At some point, pursuing him when his answers and methods are filled with nothing but pain becomes akin to seeking an abusive relationship; that is where I am.
” that He gets the last word on them and that that last word is a good one”
Let me maybe be blasphemous but how do we know that God won’t disappoint in the last word and that it will be a good word?
Dave W
Jesus the Messiah has redeemed us from the curse, blessed us and given us the Holy Spirit ~ God dwelling in us.
How do I know I won’t be disappointed and that the “last word” will be a good one? I look at the cross and the resurrection.
I look at the Table of the Lord and the covenant that Jesus cut with God by His own blood for our sake. That covenant is the new and better covenant God promised in the Old Testament; it is based on better promises, and those promises are nothing but good. The Table is a revelation of that blood and that covenant and it prophesies the return of King Jesus.
So I have no doubt that all those promises will be fulfilled. And I know that I will be abundantly satisfied when the kingdom comes in fulness because I have already experienced it in part, in increasing measure.
I agree with a lot of what people are writing about the loss of hope and the Psalms. It is very dear to me that Psalm 44 just ends as it does. Sometimes I see its terminus in Romans 8:36-37 and understand how “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.” But often times it’s a comfort just to know that Psalm 44 is a place where saints have tread.
Very insightful. Could it also be that once we have wrestled that we were created for eternity, the dissappointment He brings is no longer a shockwave, but an unraveling mystery that keeps us wanting more knowledge and abundant life – to not “have it all now”, but an eternal hope is built after the “tearing down”. I have wrestle this dialectical truth: God Wounds and God Heals. God creates Calamity and Well-being (from Isaiah 45:6-7 and Duet. 32:39).
Let me clarify: We DO loose hope but gain courage to trust His sovereignty that we will taste glory in eternity.
Wow. EricG, God bless you. I have stared a pretty ferocious dragon(s) in the face and walked away, but not like that.
While I cannot find what to say next, I think it is good to say what I thought to say next and discarded. Probably because there are not many words other than compassion.
I wanted to say that god did indeed go by me and show his back, and I am left with the impact of that. But realized that I don’t really believe that god does these things, though he does allow the opportunity for them to happen.
I wanted to say that I hope you have strength, and that people who are disappointed can find solace in the end, but that does not fully capture the magnitude of depth that can come on people.
I wanted to say that almost anything to make ME feel better and contribute, but in all cases I think it only makes me feel better.
All I can say is God be with you and God bless you.
I agree with Paul E’s response that it is hope and belief, especially when the way gets dark and cold and walk through the valley of death.
“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed.”
Dave W
I think there is even more in this passage. In vs 11 it Moses that God and Moses used to speak face to face. So why is Moses now asking to see his face. It seems that what Moses is asking for is “deeper, fuller” revelation of who God is . . . something the that Adonai says Moses could not bear. Nevertheless, Moses does receive a deeper fuller revelation in Ch 34 as the LORD reals his divine name and the, shall we say grace-filled, implications of that name.
I could go on, but the fuller revelation of the doxa is to be found in Jesus (Jn 1:14, 18). Scot, lots of implications here for the “story” of the OT leading to the story of the Gospel.
@ Michael Perez..
I’m sorry that you are having a dark time in your walk with God and that the answers seem to be painful.
Without knowing the context and you it’s hard to address it accurately.
So i speak as one who has gone through this and to a degree and still walk in disappointment and dark times with God.
I just want to share with you somethings that have been helpful to me.
1.It might be that our understanding of God needs to be re-defined.That we need to “learn” or “see” a clearer reflection of who he really is,in contrast to what we already believe.
2.Our “image of God”(in our mind) could be the result of bad theology and (well meaning) but ignorant Christians and the result of that is pain and destruction.
3.I have found that a lot of the things i want from God and ask for-closeness with him,reassurance, that deep intimacy with God- God has really already answered or done.
I think God would respond to our longings in this way.
“I have done this and more,by living in you and being one with you.You are in Christ and Christ is in you”. We are one”. God can’t answer it any more that that.
4.This is a important one(but totally goes against what we hear in must churches)
The bible says we(the church) are the body of Christ.
His hands,his speech,his actions.So if we want to receive or experience Gods love or grace or kindness or closeness we need to go to another believer to receive this.Where is God when it hurts can be answered by where is the church when it hurts.Paul in the NT believes the people of God should meet the needs of Gods people.
To a degree it’s not about “personal relationship” but rather community with one another.
5.We walk by faith not relationship.
If you don’t get Gods grace and love from your church,leave it and find a new one.
Learn to read the bible in it’s historical context.Most pastors don’t teach it in this way.
I hope this helps and stand strong and keep going.
Britt
Michael Perez,
I’m not sure the specific circumstances you have faced, so I don’t feel qualified to give any suggestions. But what helped me was to not try to set aside my frustrations, or to feel that they were misplaced. I learned to embrace them, and pray them (when I was able). Sometimes the silence is there for a long time. It also helped me to find people who listen, rather than lecture (the best are people who have been through or are going through something similar).
I also found this talk by Pete Enns very helpful – it has elements of what Britt says above: http://peterennsonline.com/2010/11/24/the-benefit-of-doubt-coming-to-terms-with-faith-in-a-post-modern-era/
Chuck – thanks for the link; I found it interesting.
DRT – thanks. I’m actually doing well now. My response was more based on how I remember feeling a year ago (although I sometimes feel parts of it now too). And I’ve met others who have had similar views. It is a common experience that the traditional pastoral response to a person facing significant challenges comes across, unfortunately, as weak and hollow (the link Chuck shared makes this point). I think it is partly because pastors are expected to give answers, when sometimes there are none. And a lot of pastors and friends haven’t been through it, so they don’t know what helps vs. what hurts.
I have been disappointed so many times it has ceased to be funny. Each time I find it is due to my immaturity. It is just hard balancing the emotions involved with the expectations we have because of our relationship with God.
Great article
thanks