It’s been awhile since our friend “PW” sent us a post. She is a pastor’s wife (PW) and often speaks about what it’s like to be the spouse of a pastor. Some today would like to think this is not an issue; but it still is. So, this post today might bring things into perspective:

How do you (Mr or Mrs PW) describe what your spouse DOES for a living?

In my employment, I work with people from around the world. It is really like being in world missions through working in a multi-national corporation. I have a younger coworker, who I have known for over a year and a half, who comes from a mixed Muslim/Hindu background. He has a number of reasons why he is embracing life the USA. One reason is that his immediate family has suffered persecution for their religious beliefs first in Iran, then the family fled to India and again suffered persecution in India.

Recently, he sent me a cute joke having to do with the roles of men/women in the home–the role of the man is to make the coffee in the home because of the NT scripture “HE BREWS.” I knew he wasn’t necessarily from a Christian background. It opened up the opportunity to discuss what my husband does for a living.  

[Read more...]

This is getting fun: RJS posts about Dorothy Sayers book and PW, another regular writer here at Jesus Creed, responds … or I should say that RJS’s post generated a reflection by PW.

As the spouse of a pastor, I have often been in discussion with my pastor/husband about this very subject. And, we have recently discussed the fact that he allows me into his head quite often.  In fact, there are times when I will frankly explain to him: when you walk into the church building, do you ever think about what it would be like to be a person with a uterus walking into the experience rather than other male parts? Are you assuming the audience will track with your message, delivery or illustrations if it’s male biased?

However, I know of many PWs who do not dialog in that way with their pastor/spouse. There is no feedback from one of the most important people in the pastor’s world. How is it for you PWs who are female? Do you hold back? Or do you help fill in with living Technicolor those things that your pastor/spouse couldn’t even begin to understand about the audience and the church experience?

Ministry spouses have a great opportunity to dialog with their pastor/spouse and exchange how the message will come across in so many ways. That’s communication–sending and receiving messages. Communication also understands the audience and most congregations are 50% or greater women. I am enjoying RJS’s discussion, “Are Women Human?”

While PW, our guest blogger who is a “pastor’s wife,” alludes to the reality that some in the younger generation don’t have a problem here, the reality in the wider church is much different. She talks here about the pastor’s spouse’s occupation, and this one mostly concerns a spouse who is a wife. (Right?) Here’s PW:

I met a couple PWs in the last couple of months, and I realized that they were both school teachers. 

What are some of the common occupations of the PW? Or, are you expected to be in the “pastoral package” as 2-for-1?

I have personally been in an occupation myself for a number of years. I find that sometimes people who are more old-fashioned about the PW role tend to gulp when they realize I have my own occupation. However, I find younger people have no expectations whatsoever.  How did you come to your current occupation at home or in the workforce?

I’ve seen a phenomenon in the church. I think it happens often enough to just about anyone in the church, not just pastor’s spouses.

What happens to our unity in Christ when politics are inserted into the relationship?

Scenario 1: Two people who know each other in church are quite good friends in their “church relationship.” At some point, they get to know each other well enough to find out that they do not agree on a political issue within their denomination. Since they got along so well, they just assumed that there were no glaring differences in how they viewed that topic (I’ll try to keep denominational affiliations out of it), so they are shocked at the fact that they disagreed so strongly when this denominational issue arose.

Scenario 2: I know of some black women pastor’s wives in the USA who are finding it extremely heartening to have the ideal of Michelle Obama as a role model for women in the church. I totally see how motivating this could be. There have been a number of “First Lady” role models during my years as a PW. They have changed in style over the years.

However, some PWs today, in sharing this enthusiasm with others, find that their emails mentioning this specific first lady as a role model to other pastor’s wives has offended some who do not have those political affinities at all.

In both scenarios, genuine Christians are enthusiastic and hopeful
about fellowship and change. However, once the political issue comes
into play, good friends find themselves in disagreement. And it
surprises them.

 Kind of sad, but very common. This little predicament is often why someone leaves a church or leaves fellowship with others. It is not often resolved well.

Would this be how it plays out in South Africa or Australia? Europe? Is there a better way to approach these things?

[Read more...]

Our friend, PW, writes posts for the Jesus Creed blog on what it is like to be a pastor’s spouse (in her case a “wife” — hence, PW). This one is about weddings, and I’d love to hear some pastor stories about weddings.

This
recent YouTube video popularity sparked me to remember all the weddings
that I have been witness to as a PW. Some wedding seasons are the
traditional, standard fare. Others are quite unique. How about you?
Ministry families often get caught up in the preparations, festivities,
etc. What are your fondest or wildest memories from wedding season?

For
us, one memory would be a wedding that the bride and groom insisted on
conducting on a hay wagon–with the addition of a trellis. Sure enough,
a strong wind and storm blew in right at the hour of the wedding. I am
always a bystander by that time of the wedding. I love watching how the
couple and families respond in the situation that is the worst case
scenario on the day of the wedding.

Other
times it is not so much the fact that there is a wedding, but the many
weddings running back to back to back. It’s a wonder the minister can
keep all the names straight…right?

Our weekly contribution from “PW” about life as a minister’s spouse.

Historically, protestant ministry families have been paid in various ways for the work the pastor does in the local parish. Two to three centuries ago, some ministry families were paid once a year after the harvest. Some parsons were paid in chickens or produce. I am sure this brought about the thrifty and resourceful ministry families we see today.
 
Today, we receive garden vegetables, fruit, pastries, baked goods, labor for projects, and some gifts of money. We are extremely grateful for the financial provisions in our local church. Sometimes this has been a source of anxiety in lean times. Other times, there has been provision above and beyond what we can imagine.
 
What parts of ministry financial support are most freeing for you and your family? What parts of providing for the pastor are still a struggle for your local church? Are there new and creative ways ministry families are being provided for in the local church?

One of our constant readers and commenters is “PW”, who is helping us think about the issues surrounding the spouse of a minister — not always a female, we add. Do you tell your spouse everything? What do you keep back? What rules do you use? Now on to PW:

This has happened more than once in my life as a ministry spouse: I have had people stop me in the hallway of the church and start to talk to me about something that was confidentially discussed between them and the pastor (my spouse). I had no clue what they were talking about. In one case, you could see by the look on the person’s face that it just occurred to her that I was not privy to her discussion with my spouse.
 
I know for a fact this could happen to executive spouses and people in other professions. How do you handle confidentiality with your ministry spouse? Or your professional spouse?  We have a policy to keep confidential things confidential unless there is reason to first get permission to discuss it with our spouse. 

This is an ongoing series by a pastor’s spouse about pastoral life from that angle. In this post we are asked to converse about the implications of pastoral geographical relocations.

By PW: How have ministry relocations affected your ministry “home base”? Has this affected
your family adversely? Or has it enriched your family’s experiences?
How about the pastor(s) of your local church?  How important is it to
your congregation that they put down roots and be a long-term part of
your community?

A number of years ago, I met someone for the first time and as we gained acquaintance, we each exchanged some of our story. I don’t often blurt out that I am a ministry spouse in the first 5 minutes of meeting someone. I like to get to know them and allow them to get to know me. This one person, Kara, was casually chatting with me at a school function and she tossed into the conversation that her family has “relocated a number of times.” She was concerned about her children and their adjustment to the new school, etc.

This has happened to our ministry family as well–I thought we had moved A LOT. So I listened and asked a few friendly questions. Kara disclosed that they had moved over 20 times since she and her husband married.
 
Now, my mind is creative and the possibilities that occurred to me were many. I thought: oh, well! Maybe they are military (usually they move as often as ministry families)…maybe fugitives…maybe corporate… In fact, her spouse was in education and had been working up the ranks of K-12 education. I was empathetic to her concerns for her family.

I have had to help our family adjust to several moves. Thankfully, they have been fairly reasonable when you think about it.

What about you? How many times have you moved? How has it affected your family and you and your ministry?