If you’ve waited until today to make plans you’ll find yourself at the Quik-E-Mart fighting other pathetic slobs for the last Whitman’s sampler or single-stem plucked-in-November rose. But I have an alternative to cheap candy and wilted flowers. It’s thoughtful. It’s romantic. And most importantly, it’s cheap.
It’s the love letter.
Follow these steps in writing your love letter and you just might be able to prevent your Valentine’s Day from becoming another massacre:
Buy some stationery — You’re a big boy now so throw away the Big Chief tablet you’ve had since third grade and buy some quality paper. Keep in mind that if you don’t feel like a total wuss when you buy the stationery then you purchased the wrong type.
Don’t even think of typing the letter — Unless you have the penmanship of a doctor, the letter should be in your own handwriting. If you have the penmanship of a doctor because you are a doctor, then you make enough money that you don’t have to worry about impressing women anyway.
Be specific and personal — Don’t just write one letter that you photocopy and hand out to all the new girls you meet. That won’t get you anywhere. You have to actually go to the trouble of copying the same letter out by hand every time you give it to a different girl.
Points will be deducted for spelling — Pretend you’re giving the letter to your high school English teacher, who will be taking points off your grade for spelling errors. Since women pass the letters around to their inner circle—which tends to include every woman in a 50 mile radius—you’ll be judged by plenty of people. You might consider having a female friend proofread it for you since she’ll soon be reading it anyway.
(By the way, if the letter is intended for your high school English teacher then you have bigger issues to deal with than Valentine’s Day.)
Write, rewrite, repeat — Start out by writing a rough draft. Now take your rough draft and throw it away because it makes you sound like an idiot.
Seriously, it does. Just trust me on this one. I don’t know why that’s the case. It just is.
Write it again and try not to be so sappy this time. You don’t want to scare her away by giving her the impression that you’re some kind of weirdo. She shouldn’t be able to figure out what kind of weirdo you are until she’s been married to you for at least three years.
Resist the temptation to give her a note that says, “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” — This was cute and original the first 500 times she received this type of note from some faux-sensitive guy who wants to give the impression that he’s being “child-like” when in reality he’s just being lazy.
Unfortunately, this is the sole opportunity for a guy to be lazy and have a woman think that he’s being cute. That’s also why better minds have thought of using this corny gimmick long before you came along.
Give it to her before you chicken out — Your brain will try to talk you out of giving her the love letter. It will try to convince you that that you’re setting yourself up for future embarrassment. Of course, you’re brain is absolutely right. But this is no time to listen to reason. Being in love has nothing to do with being reasonable. In fact, love requires that you make completely irrational choices. If we didn’t there would be no romance, no second marriages, and no jewelry stores.
A last resort — If all else fails and you just can’t think of anything, let me know. I’ll send you a photocopy of the letter I used when I was single. Just remember to copy it in your own handwriting and to not give it to any girl whose zip code starts with 7. Otherwise, there’s a good chance she’s seen that letter before.