Woody Woodpecker Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 1

Lately I’ve been getting a lot of emails and online comments about some of my recent bloourg postings. In essence, most of them say either, “Stop saying things that are anti-Christian!” or “Stop saying things that are pro-Christian!”

What’s a poor blooger to do?

Being a former non-Christian leaves me with a lot of things I’d like to say to both Christians and non-Christians. And I will. (But only if everyone promises to actually read what I write, instead of reacting to what I can only assume they think  I’ve written. That’d be great! Perfect! Clarity rules!)

Anyway, one time I got attacked by a giant woodpecker.

Do I sound like I’m kidding?

And this isn’t like that time my wife and I got attacked by those squirrels either. (If you care, my multi-blorb story of my wife and I’s descent into Nutty Near Nihlism starts here.) Ultimately, those squirrels, while clearly demon-possessed, blood-crazed vampire rodents, hesitated: They balked before biting.

This bird, though, had no such Contact Qualms.

To be ornithologically fastitidious, the bird that attacked me on that fateful day in the Spring of  ‘77 was a Pileated Woodpecker  (Dryocopus pileatus). Some of you may know this to be the very bird upon which (the ever-annoying) Woody Woodpecker was based. The rest of you probably have lives. (Sorry, cartoon fans! Low blow! Do count me amongst you, since I actually am! Are! Whatever!)

An adult Pileated Woodpecker is about the size of a full-grown raven, or crow. Which means they’re about the size of an eagle. Which means they’re about the size of a small helicopter.

Except helicopters don’t have five-inch beaks so strong they can literally cut a tree in half.

On the other hand, woodpeckers don’t have rotating chopper blades. So it probably comes out about even.

The point is: Either one can kill you.

Now I’m not saying Woody Woodpeckerhead tried to kill me.

Wait. I am saying that.

I mean, he did.

And there was one terrifying moment where I was pretty sure he had succeeded.

 

The rest of the posts in this series are (in order):

Woody Woodpecker Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 2

WW Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 3

WW Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 4

WW Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 5

WW Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 6

WW Turns Manic Attack Bird, Pt. 7: The End

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  • Tony

    It's amazing, I too was assaulted by Woody Woodpecker!! When I was a kid, I had a Woody Woodpecker throw pillow that I liked to take naps on. One day, and I still remember this, I dreamed that I was being attacked by Woody and he was choking me. When my Mom woke me up from my nap and dream, she found that a string had become unraveled from my pillow and was loosely wrapped around my neck. That Woody is one sly dude……

  • http://www.johnshorebooks.com johnshore

    Too funny! I can't stand it. I don't know if you're a regular reader of my Crosswalk "blog," but if so you might have seen this whole thing I did on The Attack of the Killer Squirrels.

    Which is apropos of … nothing, actually.

    Anyway, hilarious story!! Woody Woodpecker winding his way through the mass unconscious and then trying to break through and manipulate physical reality in a fervid attempt to claim the life of yet another poor, unsuspecting, sleeping little boy. Only to have the boy's MOTHER foil his plans!!

    See? This is why you should never let children sleep.

  • Tony

    I actually started reading your blog about the time you started posting about the squirrels, which I found too funny by the way. I think the title of that entry (Attack of the Killer Squirrels) is what piqued my interest in the first place. Then to have you mention San Diego, which my wife thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with, interested me even more.

    Anyway, I told my wife about my Woody fiasco some years ago, and anytime we see something related to him, I get (in her best faux scratchy voice) "gasp, cough, cough, Woody….".

    Yeah, she's a riot…..

  • http://www.johnshorebooks.com johnshore

    This is just too funny. Thanks for sharing this.

    Hey, check out this story I just blurbed about–the posting here I just put up. This guy's wheelchair got stuck on the FRONT OF A TRUCK, and he ended up stuck there while the truck took him 4 miles, going 50 mph down a freeway. Just … unbelievable.

  • Steve

    Really nice site you have here. I’ve been reading for a while but this post made me want to say 2 thumbs up. Keep up the great work


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