So sorry for the re-linky inconvenience, but the post you’re looking for is 10 Tips for Becoming an Amazaballs Husband.
I am so excited about the Jones carbonated candy I can't even begin to tell you! WooHooo!!!
This is just so sad…
Nis: Thanks for sharing my stuff.
Snow: Get to work. I don't see YOU selling any of my books. (And actually, do let me say that I, too, am inordinately excited by the carbonated candy. Every day, I yearn–YEARN, I say–for the Return of the Fizzie. Dare I hope?)
Well, of course, you can get Fizzies through the web (like from the Vermont Country store, for one), but they are not the original Fizzies. Still, this would be close to a perfect beverage on a hot summer's day to sip in your Adirondack chair on the patio of your mid-century home. Ice cold water, naturally — if you haven't drunk it all straight out of the water bottle in the frig and then left the water bottle sitting on your counter-top unfilled.
Either that, or perhaps ice tea or lemonade out of jewel tone aluminum glasses which really keep drinks cold.
Later, after the work is done, comes the BBQ on the Coleman Road Trip Grill LX (the one with the wheels) which some were lucky enough to purchase on sale before the price goes up. Steaks, a micro-brew, and some friends…
This was funny…
In fact, I even shared it with my guests (printed it out) who are going to look your site up when they get home and check out your books…
But # 10 says it all…
Nisperos’ dictum about marriage:
(Naturally, aside from the hormonal stuff…)
The thing which you most like about your partner and which attracted you to them is the very thing which will make you want to scream and run away when you push the envelope to the Nth Degree…
P.S. Tea tree oil tooth picks really help with the fidgeting. (For any smokers or ex-smokers out there, I now know 2 guys who used these to quit smoking — finally, for good, after other methods failed. +/- $3 at many health food stores.)
P.P.S. Jones Soda Company now has carbonated candy in 6 flavors — taste like Zots if you know what those are — and they make great containers for carrying said toothpicks.
what's a fizzie?
Oh, you're young, then. Good for you! But, alas, it means you're unlikely to ever know the horrors/joys of a "Fizzie." It was these tablets you used to be able to buy in, like, the late '60's–and they were, like, flavored Alka-Setzer: You dropped them in water, they fizzed like crazy, and presto-hey! A regular glass of water becomes cherry-flavored, or lemon-lime, or whatever.
Kids used to DARE to put them directly into their mouths, though. Not that you could ever put a whole one in your mouth; it was extreme enough just to snap a little piece off the whole (they were Alka Setzer size), and put it in your mouth. The key, right away, was to not start immediately crying as the thing threatened to burn and "fizzle" a whole right through your tongue–and then jawbone. Instantly, your whole HEAD was filled with ever-exploding foam. They were awesome. Tasty! Terrifying! Insanely sour! Pretty much what every kid wants in a snack treat. I think they only sold them for a couple of years, at most. Even we knew it was only a matter of time before they discovered that they were completely deadly. It's not like we couldn't just TELL that they were. I think that's part of why they were so popular.
I loved them, by the way. I mean, I was INSANE for them. Every kid was. Having a Fizzie on you–much less a pack of them–was like having gold dubloons on you: You immediately were King of Your Friends. There was just nothing like them. They were the greatest things in the history of … disgusting saliva. That you’d swallow, of course: they were absolutely delicious. Just … deeply terrifying.
hmmm. so they were like the godfather of both pop rocks and warheads.
Did you ever put them in soda? Or put one in your mouth and then drink soda? LOL!
Of course, I wholly think that Fizzies were not about holes or "a whole right through your tongue" — duh, that's for a piercing…
I really think Fizzies were a secret way to hook you so that when you grew up (impossible, never) you would drink down your effervescent Airborne with vitamin C, antioxidants, electrolytes, and herbs. Those are yummy and they do help a bunch with colds and allergies…
That's exactly what i was thinking. if you had a lip piercing, and put a fizzie in your mouth with some seltzer… oh wait nm.
No, we never thought to do that. We were a simple folk, back then.
hahaha.. your top tens are funny! accurate and real, but funny!
Thank you, Bill. It's great comments like that that sometimes KEEP me writing.
Thanks for this list. It’s a good balance in terms of sensible points plus some humor thrown in. I’ve been married to my beautiful wife for 35 years and keeping your comments in mind will help me stay on my toes.
Keep writing please.
I really appreciate the pointers that you have presented in your blog. I am about to get married I have made decision to being student of marriage and be the best I can be as a husband.
I have learned to be better that you have understand women better and their sensibilities.
many of these, I've learned the hard way… trial & error. I will pass these onto my sons, maybe it will their transition into married life easier. HaHaHaHaHa!
Hilarious!! I'm passing this along to my husband just in case he needs ideas … or reminders! Oh wait … now he's going to see my comment. Oh well. Hello there, dear.
That was supposed to come with a cheshire cat grin at the end, but the web site must not like my arrow brackets. HTML and all … I know.
If I could just learn to stop fidgeting.
sharing on facebook!
John……YOU ARE AWESOME! By that, I mean FUN! A word I seem to favor! lol
My hubby (of 26 years) and I read this one and the one about what things to look for in choosing a wife (I hope I didn't just slaughter that!) and laughed our buttons off! That felt good! THANKS!
Hey man i like your top 10 list! My wife and i are having a lot of problems right now and i guess I should just pay attention to #1 and #4, but man thats so hard. Am i doomed to always being the idiot who is always wrong for real though man?
Funny stuff! I’d be laughing out loud if I hadn’t done all these things and more, with the result being in all likelihood a divorce!
Would you were older and could have knocked that into my late father’s head, John.
I would add to the “Give her presents” to make sure one gives ones that are not merely habitual. Break force of habit and put thought into it. Father got stuck on shoving the same lady’s cologne at mama year after year because she once said she liked it – Tabu. By the time I was 16, or so, she was crying because he hadn’t thought about it. I dashed out, with my Sears card the family had given me (for emergencies only, and I never used it otherwise), and found her Billy Graham’s book “Angels” she’d been wanting, paperback edition. Yup, in Sears. Handed it to her, said “Happy Birthday, mama, from father!” and he and I GLARED with rage at each other, silently.
Re the card, when they got robbed and had to have cards replaced, Sears accidentally gave them 3 cards, he elected to give me the third one in case of emergency. Whatever that meant. I think that was the one and only time I ever used it.
Don’t know why he glared. It was about 5 bucks in those days, that book. Not a lot. But the point was simple, she’d been mumbling she wanted his book for weeks, and weeks. All he had to do was LISTEN.
Nine and Ten are my favorites. A surprising number of these translate pretty directly to gay husbands, just so you know, especially the part about not understanding Venusian, I think that is a Universal Truth.
Fizzies made the worst soda ever – like root beer-flavored alka-seltzer, They were just a novelty like Jiffy-pop popcorn (which inevitably under-popped or burned but was fun to watch) or space food sticks (which I adored – especially the peanut butter flavored ones).
Can you expand on some examples of the top 10 lists?
The only one I’d disagree with is number 9. I learned ‘how to behave in public’ years before I ever met him and him attempting to tell me these things in public would have infuriated me.
I think that one was sarcasm. : )
Oh sweet Jesus…. I am so surprised we didnt grow up together John….. that is a CHAMPION, Olympic class bit of writing there….
What a sweet thing to say. Thanks, Charles Maynes.
hysterical! Thanks. 🙂
i’ll try but i don’t think it will work. she is afraid of my ideas for progress. i can’t do it so i’m very frustrated!