Stop Wasting Time Looking for Mr. Right

Single women (in the 27 to 40-year-old zone, mainly) have lately been asking me what generally boils down to this: “What do guys want? I’m a pretty, intelligent, good-hearted woman who has a lot to offer any man. But all the men I meet invariably end up having some sort of congenital aversion to commitment—to settling down, getting serious, getting married. Why is that? I’m a fun, sweet person. I make my own money. I have lots of rewarding relationships in my life; I know how to be in a good relationship. I’m a mature, grown-up person. And I’d like to get married someday. Doesn’t everyone? Don’t guys? Isn’t that the whole point — finding that special someone, falling in love, getting married, settling down, having children, growing old together? Isn’t the best of life? Then why is it that if a girl on a date so much as scratches an itch on her ring finger, the guy acts like she’s sprayed him with mace? Who do these men think they’re going to get involved with, if not one of the women they actually meet? What is it that men want? What in the world are they looking for? Do they even know?”

Good question, ladies! A little intense, maybe. But good. And certainly fair.

And for whatever it’s worth, here’s my answer to it:

Though we’re talking here about a world of variables, one enduring truth is that men find unappealing in women the same thing women find unappealing in men: Neediness. No one is attracted to the emotionally needy. (No one worth being with, that is: there are always cretins out there looking for weaker people to prey upon.) Any woman frustrated by how often the men with whom she goes out seem to resist getting involved with her in a serious relationship needs to take seriously the possibility that she’s clearly communicating to those men that she wants them to get involved with her in a serious relationship. And if that’s what she’s doing, she’s blowing it. It’s like screaming at a cat to come to you. The woman who is putting off vibes that she’s looking for a committed relationship might as well hang a sign around her neck that says, ‘Desperate! Please Help! At Least Compliment My Hair!’

No one is attracted to someone looking for anyone.

The bottom line is this: You can’t live your life waiting for a man to make your life work. Feeling that a man will make your life whole is the one thing guaranteed to keep a good man from being attracted to you. Because inseparable from the message, “A man would complete me” is “I’m incomplete.” And signaling “I’m incomplete” is signaling, “I’m a loser who doesn’t like herself.” And if you don’t like yourself, why would anyone else?

Looking for Mr. Right can only mean that you think you’re Miss Wrong.

I say forget Mr. Right. Just stop searching for him. Instead, start thinking of yourself as Miss Perfectly Fine By Herself, Thank You. Because in truth that’s what you are. And if you’re not, get perfectly fine with yourself. Make your own life.  Be whole — happy, productive, active, physically fit, interested in stuff. Do stuff.

Commit to yourself before worrying about anyone else committing to you. Live your life — and let Mr. Right come looking for you. And he will. Nothing attracts a man more than a woman who doesn’t seem like she needs him or anyone else. True confidence is the greatest aphrodisiac.

Life is one big paradox. And one of its biggest is that the only way to find Mr. Right is to genuinely and truly stop looking for him.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • http://myrddinsworld.wordpress.com/ hktelemacher

    "I know how to be in a good relationship."

    If they really knew that, there would already have someone. Or at the very least, they wouldn't need to ask any of the questions contained in that paragraph. They would also be either (a) part of the microscopically small part of the population for whom that statement was actually true, or (b) part of the much larger portion of the population who erroneously believe this to be true about themselves. Most people (e.g. everyone) tend to look at themselves (and their own beliefs) in quite a strong positive light.

    I tend to think that most people initially get married for the wrong reasons (more than half), so (1) half end in divorce, and (2) a certain additional percentage of the remaining couples are those who married for the wrong reasons, (a) but ended up together for the right reasons or (b) otherwise found a (dysfunctional) way to make things work, and then finally you have (c) the very small percentage of people who married for the right reasons, at the right time, to the right person. (hktelemacher, thus far and after almost 14 years of marriage, hoping to fall into category 2(a) rather than 1 or 2(b) and knowing that he wasn't part of (c))

    So there is my $.02.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com Skerrib

    I've known guys in the same boat too. Nice, wanting to settle down…but wanting it so badly that they view every woman as a potential mate, and every date or conversation is filtered thru that lens. Way too much pressure for the other party.

  • http://samwrites2.wordpress.com samwrites2

    John,

    Another excellent post that I deem worthy to use to educate my son – and later my daughter.

    Like Skerrib says, some guys have fallen into this category too.

    Thanks man – I might buy your next book after all if I can convince my ex-wife to front me the cash.

    -Sam

  • http://samwrites2.wordpress.com samwrites2

    John,

    Another excellent post that I deem worthy to use to educate my son – and later my daughter.

    Like Skerrib says, some guys have fallen into this category too.

    Thanks man – I might buy your next book after all if I can convince my ex-wife to front me the cash.

    -Sam

  • Teshia Banda

    Well, the problem over here is not that I am looking for a guy – its that I have not had contact with any for the past 8 years!! – thanks to going to a small church (and do not advise me to move to a bigger church – I love the expositional teaching), being in school/grad school, working and being different – an immigrant from another continent (people who have my background are not in large quantities), but I still love Jesus – while wondering if I should be doing something different (and yes, I do volunteer!!)

  • Teshia Banda

    Well, the problem over here is not that I am looking for a guy – its that I have not had contact with any for the past 8 years!! – thanks to going to a small church (and do not advise me to move to a bigger church – I love the expositional teaching), being in school/grad school, working and being different – an immigrant from another continent (people who have my background are not in large quantities), but I still love Jesus – while wondering if I should be doing something different (and yes, I do volunteer!!)

  • QM

    "Buck up. Be happy single!" is a funny mantra/admonishment to hear from a married guy.

    Isn't that a bit similar to your warning those without gay friends to abstain from commenting on the right or wrong of attending such a wedding?

  • Paul

    Being a married guy myself, and having a wife who teaches a single ladies Sunday School class (yes, we still call it that in the South) – I am acquainted with several women who are in "Missy's" shoes. They seemingly have it together, etc., but there is no way I would ever introduce any of my single guy friends to them, because none of them "deserve" a together woman, they are – as a rule- selfish pigs with severe commitment phobias. I do not know why this is true, but it is an observed phenomenon in my 4,000 member church.

  • Paul

    Being a married guy myself, and having a wife who teaches a single ladies Sunday School class (yes, we still call it that in the South) – I am acquainted with several women who are in "Missy's" shoes. They seemingly have it together, etc., but there is no way I would ever introduce any of my single guy friends to them, because none of them "deserve" a together woman, they are – as a rule- selfish pigs with severe commitment phobias. I do not know why this is true, but it is an observed phenomenon in my 4,000 member church.

  • arlywn

    thanks john. It took me a couple of months to quit freaking out over my ex, but he did teach me that I'm fine all by my self. My life isnt as stressful and I dont do a whole lot, but its more freeing and I like my alone time now. Unless I get stuck in a car by my self- then I have some very hard heart to hearts with myself.

    I've also learned that I give myself some pretty freaking good advice. And I might just start taking it more often now that I dont have someone telling me that I'm making the wrong decisions.

    Plus the relationships I do have are getting closer now that a certian someone isnt there to make everything harder.

    I even go to movies by my self- which is something I never thought I would see my self do.

    Great post, it just reminded me why I'm not in a hurry to find another guy. lol.

  • arlywn

    thanks john. It took me a couple of months to quit freaking out over my ex, but he did teach me that I'm fine all by my self. My life isnt as stressful and I dont do a whole lot, but its more freeing and I like my alone time now. Unless I get stuck in a car by my self- then I have some very hard heart to hearts with myself.

    I've also learned that I give myself some pretty freaking good advice. And I might just start taking it more often now that I dont have someone telling me that I'm making the wrong decisions.

    Plus the relationships I do have are getting closer now that a certian someone isnt there to make everything harder.

    I even go to movies by my self- which is something I never thought I would see my self do.

    Great post, it just reminded me why I'm not in a hurry to find another guy. lol.

  • Colleen

    You could also entitle this subject, is it really possible for a man and a woman to ever understand each other?

    If you never heard of Pastor Mark Grunger this is a must see. A Tale of Two Brains. Unmarried friends in relationships have told me they enjoyed it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc

    So many people enjoyed this sneak peak I a passed around on an e-mail, that our HR Director ordered the full seminar version so we could watch it on our lunch break. Those that missed the lunch series met in their homes for fellowships due to this very informative high comedy, relevant topic.

    He also has a website http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/61
    ENJOY!!!!!

  • Colleen

    You could also entitle this subject, is it really possible for a man and a woman to ever understand each other?

    If you never heard of Pastor Mark Grunger this is a must see. A Tale of Two Brains. Unmarried friends in relationships have told me they enjoyed it.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BxckAMaTDc

    So many people enjoyed this sneak peak I a passed around on an e-mail, that our HR Director ordered the full seminar version so we could watch it on our lunch break. Those that missed the lunch series met in their homes for fellowships due to this very informative high comedy, relevant topic.

    He also has a website http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory/61
    ENJOY!!!!!

  • Annecy

    Well said. Thanks for articulating this. As a perpetually single woman in her (ahem) early 30s, I KNOW this to be true. I feel confident in myself, my personality, my fun side, my ability to go it alone without needing a man, etc etc. So my problem isn’t appearing needy–my problem is the opposite. I think I turn guys off because I work too hard to seem un-needy. In the process, I seem aloof and (I fear) smug or superior. What’s more, I generally think that I am reasonably fun and interesting, but for some reason I assume no man would ever think so, so my irrational head says that I should save them the trouble of turning me down by not expressing any interest–hence, appearing aloof and unapproachable. Now, how is THAT for seriously screwed up? I’m confident–about my inability to attract anyone. I think the scientific term for this phenomenon is “head case.”

  • Annecy

    Well said. Thanks for articulating this. As a perpetually single woman in her (ahem) early 30s, I KNOW this to be true. I feel confident in myself, my personality, my fun side, my ability to go it alone without needing a man, etc etc. So my problem isn’t appearing needy–my problem is the opposite. I think I turn guys off because I work too hard to seem un-needy. In the process, I seem aloof and (I fear) smug or superior. What’s more, I generally think that I am reasonably fun and interesting, but for some reason I assume no man would ever think so, so my irrational head says that I should save them the trouble of turning me down by not expressing any interest–hence, appearing aloof and unapproachable. Now, how is THAT for seriously screwed up? I’m confident–about my inability to attract anyone. I think the scientific term for this phenomenon is “head case.”

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Hi, all. Been out all day. Wonderful comments! Really interesting stuff. Thanks so much for what each of you has said. It's just so … fascinating, to hear other people's take on this sort of thing. I love it. (Oh: QM: You know, you can STOP reading my blog any time.)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Hi, all. Been out all day. Wonderful comments! Really interesting stuff. Thanks so much for what each of you has said. It's just so … fascinating, to hear other people's take on this sort of thing. I love it. (Oh: QM: You know, you can STOP reading my blog any time.)

  • QM

    John:

    If I had put a smiley face on my comment to soften the tone, would you have responded to it substantively and not taken it so personally? :)

    Your serious responses are always so thought-provoking; I was expecting one of those!

  • QM

    John:

    If I had put a smiley face on my comment to soften the tone, would you have responded to it substantively and not taken it so personally? :)

    Your serious responses are always so thought-provoking; I was expecting one of those!

  • http://odgie.wordpress.com odgie

    John,

    You are spot on with this one, and it goes for men as well as women. I met my wife serendipitously, after I had made my peace with the thought of never getting married.

    I have a friend who can't seem to take this lesson to heart though. She is pretty, successful, bright, fun, and kind to a fault. But she broadcasts her loneliness, practically walking through life with her ring finger extended hoping that somebody will slip something onto it. I wish that I could find a way to subtley guide her to this post.

  • http://odgie.wordpress.com odgie

    John,

    You are spot on with this one, and it goes for men as well as women. I met my wife serendipitously, after I had made my peace with the thought of never getting married.

    I have a friend who can't seem to take this lesson to heart though. She is pretty, successful, bright, fun, and kind to a fault. But she broadcasts her loneliness, practically walking through life with her ring finger extended hoping that somebody will slip something onto it. I wish that I could find a way to subtley guide her to this post.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Og: Hmmm…. that is tricky. Well, I just put up a NEW post; maybe you could send your friend the link to the main/front page of my site, and just say how you thought she might enjoy the humor of the Late Trucker story. THEN, maybe, she'll scroll down a bit, and see the piece on Being Ms. Right.

    Except then, if she likes it, she might scroll down to its comments, and then see where you wrote me to say how you wish you could subtly get her to be where she'll then find herself. And then she'll see me writing this. And the we'll be Totally Busted.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Og: Hmmm…. that is tricky. Well, I just put up a NEW post; maybe you could send your friend the link to the main/front page of my site, and just say how you thought she might enjoy the humor of the Late Trucker story. THEN, maybe, she'll scroll down a bit, and see the piece on Being Ms. Right.

    Except then, if she likes it, she might scroll down to its comments, and then see where you wrote me to say how you wish you could subtly get her to be where she'll then find herself. And then she'll see me writing this. And the we'll be Totally Busted.

  • delainrj7

    John, I respectfully disagree!

    As a woman who did marry late I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting or needing a mate in ones life. I was happy in my single life but still desired to be married and even had people pray for that for me. I was chided by several that I needed to be content in my single life first and that I should not pray for a husband or even be looking but my philosophy always has been that God created marriage and it was God who said that it was not good for man to be alone. This is not a human concept. Yes many women are overly needy but I think it is because the guys are not doing their part to even initiate anything or are giving mixed messages if they are interested. The deep desire these ladies have to find a soulmate is a longing from Eden and the way God intended things to before man fell and made relationships so complicated. Women want to be courted and approached by a man who is confident and knows what he wants. One of the refreshing things about meeting my husband was that he knew and clarified what he wanted right up front. He came up and talked to me and asked me out on a real date (he even called it that) about a month later. He told me right up front that he was interested in me and that he did not want to just be friends. He wanted to date me and that he believed that the purpose of dating was to get to know a potential marriage partner. I was also up front with him. In addition to telling him that I do not believe in sex before marriage, I told him that I did not want to be his girlfriend forever. I was 41 when we got married (he was 44) and we have been very happily married for almost 5 years now and have a 1 year old son. So I say ladies, if a guy is shying away from anything resembling a commitment… run! I have had plenty of those and trust me ladies they are NOT the one. Mr. Right knows what and who he wants and will not string you along. If he truly loves you and believes you are the one he will move towards a covenant relationship. That is the way God intended it to be but our culture is so screwed up in the relationship department that some of these relationship fallacies have even been integrated into Christianity. My husband and I are over the singles ministry at our church so we have seen and heard a lot. Just my 2 cents.

  • delainrj7

    John, I respectfully disagree!

    As a woman who did marry late I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting or needing a mate in ones life. I was happy in my single life but still desired to be married and even had people pray for that for me. I was chided by several that I needed to be content in my single life first and that I should not pray for a husband or even be looking but my philosophy always has been that God created marriage and it was God who said that it was not good for man to be alone. This is not a human concept. Yes many women are overly needy but I think it is because the guys are not doing their part to even initiate anything or are giving mixed messages if they are interested. The deep desire these ladies have to find a soulmate is a longing from Eden and the way God intended things to before man fell and made relationships so complicated. Women want to be courted and approached by a man who is confident and knows what he wants. One of the refreshing things about meeting my husband was that he knew and clarified what he wanted right up front. He came up and talked to me and asked me out on a real date (he even called it that) about a month later. He told me right up front that he was interested in me and that he did not want to just be friends. He wanted to date me and that he believed that the purpose of dating was to get to know a potential marriage partner. I was also up front with him. In addition to telling him that I do not believe in sex before marriage, I told him that I did not want to be his girlfriend forever. I was 41 when we got married (he was 44) and we have been very happily married for almost 5 years now and have a 1 year old son. So I say ladies, if a guy is shying away from anything resembling a commitment… run! I have had plenty of those and trust me ladies they are NOT the one. Mr. Right knows what and who he wants and will not string you along. If he truly loves you and believes you are the one he will move towards a covenant relationship. That is the way God intended it to be but our culture is so screwed up in the relationship department that some of these relationship fallacies have even been integrated into Christianity. My husband and I are over the singles ministry at our church so we have seen and heard a lot. Just my 2 cents.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Where is that ad—oh! right! Above where the content of this blog appeared on Crosswalk and/or Christianity.com! Right. Well. You see, the point is that while it's true that you personally should refrain from searching for Mr. Right, you shouldn't let that stop you from paying someone else to search for you.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Where is that ad—oh! right! Above where the content of this blog appeared on Crosswalk and/or Christianity.com! Right. Well. You see, the point is that while it's true that you personally should refrain from searching for Mr. Right, you shouldn't let that stop you from paying someone else to search for you.

  • Treva Joiner

    It seems rather ironic to me that right above this article which is making the point that a single should NOT be searching for Mr. Right there is an advertisement regarding e-Harmony which is website for just that!

  • Treva Joiner

    It seems rather ironic to me that right above this article which is making the point that a single should NOT be searching for Mr. Right there is an advertisement regarding e-Harmony which is website for just that!

  • barbara

    Disagree with your unbalanced approach. Genesis is pretty clear that marriage was created by God. Also, marriage is to be treated with honor by all… it is gift…from God. (In fact, the apostle Paul is pretty clear about what he thought about those who teach against marriage!) Jesus did his first miracle at a wedding, of all places.

    A distinction between a truly "needy" person –which most young unmarried Christian women are not — needs to be made from pathological neediness — which is fairly rare. The truth (and ladies, this might set you free!) is that a “woman” was created by God with a wonderful, tender, dare I say, emotional side. Science has gone as far as to show that a woman (married, single, whatever) can hear a baby cry and the emotional side of her brain lights up like a Christmas tree on a MRI. What about the men? Nope. (That baby is outta luck with him.)

    Your approach in your article encourages women to tune out her tender side and toughen up. A completely healthy, yet unmarried woman, can easily read into your article that her emotions, her desires for a mate are “needy”, and, therefore, grow a thicker skin. You emphasize legalism without emphasizing the awe of appreciating the beautiful gift and healthy desire for a mate, children, and intimate sex that God ordained! Moreover, marriage is a living picture, a mystery portraying a Savior with His Bride…His Wife forever.

    Killing off a young woman’s hope which is linked to her unique emotional, feminine response (as I found it is easy to interpret from your article) also kills off the way a woman will worship her God. I also think it makes God sad when that happens.

    Sex and the City is more than happy to sell an alternative and today's young women need hope and encouragement to believe that the right things, marriage, support from a good man, and purity in the meantime, are the best things that God designed. Now that’s where the power is.

    Where is the power in what you said?

    Ever read Wild at Heart? What woman doesn't “need” a guy who can smash bugs, act like he knows something about her car to a mechanic, and be willing to play the hero? What young man doesn’t need his own bride to look up to him and respect him (not to mention healthy sex)?

    Barb

    Footnote: My brother needed a wife and his wife needed a husband…I guess she might even be classified as “needy” for my brother. They have adopted 6 little ones and recently had a miracle baby boy (after 20 years of infertility, without trying). Guess what? Marriage is good. Even if you are “needy”.

  • barbara

    Disagree with your unbalanced approach. Genesis is pretty clear that marriage was created by God. Also, marriage is to be treated with honor by all… it is gift…from God. (In fact, the apostle Paul is pretty clear about what he thought about those who teach against marriage!) Jesus did his first miracle at a wedding, of all places.

    A distinction between a truly "needy" person –which most young unmarried Christian women are not — needs to be made from pathological neediness — which is fairly rare. The truth (and ladies, this might set you free!) is that a “woman” was created by God with a wonderful, tender, dare I say, emotional side. Science has gone as far as to show that a woman (married, single, whatever) can hear a baby cry and the emotional side of her brain lights up like a Christmas tree on a MRI. What about the men? Nope. (That baby is outta luck with him.)

    Your approach in your article encourages women to tune out her tender side and toughen up. A completely healthy, yet unmarried woman, can easily read into your article that her emotions, her desires for a mate are “needy”, and, therefore, grow a thicker skin. You emphasize legalism without emphasizing the awe of appreciating the beautiful gift and healthy desire for a mate, children, and intimate sex that God ordained! Moreover, marriage is a living picture, a mystery portraying a Savior with His Bride…His Wife forever.

    Killing off a young woman’s hope which is linked to her unique emotional, feminine response (as I found it is easy to interpret from your article) also kills off the way a woman will worship her God. I also think it makes God sad when that happens.

    Sex and the City is more than happy to sell an alternative and today's young women need hope and encouragement to believe that the right things, marriage, support from a good man, and purity in the meantime, are the best things that God designed. Now that’s where the power is.

    Where is the power in what you said?

    Ever read Wild at Heart? What woman doesn't “need” a guy who can smash bugs, act like he knows something about her car to a mechanic, and be willing to play the hero? What young man doesn’t need his own bride to look up to him and respect him (not to mention healthy sex)?

    Barb

    Footnote: My brother needed a wife and his wife needed a husband…I guess she might even be classified as “needy” for my brother. They have adopted 6 little ones and recently had a miracle baby boy (after 20 years of infertility, without trying). Guess what? Marriage is good. Even if you are “needy”.

  • http://samwrites2.wordpress.com samwrites2

    John,

    Just wanted to let you know that my estranged wife is a big fan of yours and forwarding your blog entries like this to her friends.

    Hope that encourages you because we both find your blog to be amusing and thought-provoking.

    -Sam

  • http://samwrites2.wordpress.com samwrites2

    John,

    Just wanted to let you know that my estranged wife is a big fan of yours and forwarding your blog entries like this to her friends.

    Hope that encourages you because we both find your blog to be amusing and thought-provoking.

    -Sam

  • Candace

    See, to me, this is yet another instance in which a deep and personal relationship with the Lord is the only answer.

    It’s not about who’s needy (because we ALL are) or what we think we need (which most of the time we are utterly confused about). It’s a matter of whether our expectations in terms of meeting that (or any) need are realistic or not.

    Pre-Christ, I was one gigantic ball of need, on every front, and none of those needs were being met by the things or people I thought should do the trick. (Of course, being blind, I did not know this. I mean, I knew things didn’t seem to “work” a lot of the time, and that even when they did work I still felt something was missing. But I did not know why until the scales dropped from my eyes).

    In my observation, over the course of 51 years, most people tend to expect other people to do and be for them, things that only God can do and be. “Miss Perfectly OK by Herself (or the male version of the same identity) is merely a reaction to the failure of that expectation to be met; one in which we turn to ourselves instead of other humans. Still, we are pretty much continually let down, whether by others, or by us. No mere human is going to be able to completely meet our deepest need, and most of our other perceived needs are just shadows of the Big Need.

    The truth is that we are not perfectly ok by ourselves, and we cannot give ourselves a life (in the way I think you meant it), and we do, without question, need Someone to make us someone. That Someone is Jesus.

    The believers reading this will, I expect, know exactly what I am talking about. And the atheists among us will continue to protest that humans really can do without God, and/or humans are the only god there is, and/or that their own brain is god, or whatever other deception they present to themselves on a daily (hourly, minutely) basis in order to maintain the illusion that they are in control of things, and need answer, really, no nobody but themselves. :-)

  • Candace

    See, to me, this is yet another instance in which a deep and personal relationship with the Lord is the only answer.

    It’s not about who’s needy (because we ALL are) or what we think we need (which most of the time we are utterly confused about). It’s a matter of whether our expectations in terms of meeting that (or any) need are realistic or not.

    Pre-Christ, I was one gigantic ball of need, on every front, and none of those needs were being met by the things or people I thought should do the trick. (Of course, being blind, I did not know this. I mean, I knew things didn’t seem to “work” a lot of the time, and that even when they did work I still felt something was missing. But I did not know why until the scales dropped from my eyes).

    In my observation, over the course of 51 years, most people tend to expect other people to do and be for them, things that only God can do and be. “Miss Perfectly OK by Herself (or the male version of the same identity) is merely a reaction to the failure of that expectation to be met; one in which we turn to ourselves instead of other humans. Still, we are pretty much continually let down, whether by others, or by us. No mere human is going to be able to completely meet our deepest need, and most of our other perceived needs are just shadows of the Big Need.

    The truth is that we are not perfectly ok by ourselves, and we cannot give ourselves a life (in the way I think you meant it), and we do, without question, need Someone to make us someone. That Someone is Jesus.

    The believers reading this will, I expect, know exactly what I am talking about. And the atheists among us will continue to protest that humans really can do without God, and/or humans are the only god there is, and/or that their own brain is god, or whatever other deception they present to themselves on a daily (hourly, minutely) basis in order to maintain the illusion that they are in control of things, and need answer, really, no nobody but themselves. :-)

  • delainrj7

    I totally agree with Barbara. The desire and “need” for a mate was created by God and there is nothing wrong with it. I know there are some women (and men) who can become unbalanced in this realm…i.e. those who are basing their own sense of self worth and indentity soley on coupling with someone and do not have a life of their own. After reading Missy’s question over and over again I do not see her as being that type of person. She is just a normal human female who does have friends, enjoys strong relationships with them, and has a life that she desires to share with someone special in holy matrimony. Her questions are honest and legitimate and she is not wrong in desiring something that God himself created. I did not see where she indicated that she needed someone to rescue her. You made it sound as if she were beating every bush hunting a man. But in all honesty, I think she was was just wondering why she keeps attracting those guys who have an aversion to anything even resembling a comittment and maybe she was tired of being led on by these guys. I fail to see how their character flaws and immaturity is her problem. That is why I would advise her not even waste time with these types of men. Obviously they are not Mr. Right and some (even in church circles) would be content with just sex and no commitment.

  • delainrj7

    I totally agree with Barbara. The desire and “need” for a mate was created by God and there is nothing wrong with it. I know there are some women (and men) who can become unbalanced in this realm…i.e. those who are basing their own sense of self worth and indentity soley on coupling with someone and do not have a life of their own. After reading Missy’s question over and over again I do not see her as being that type of person. She is just a normal human female who does have friends, enjoys strong relationships with them, and has a life that she desires to share with someone special in holy matrimony. Her questions are honest and legitimate and she is not wrong in desiring something that God himself created. I did not see where she indicated that she needed someone to rescue her. You made it sound as if she were beating every bush hunting a man. But in all honesty, I think she was was just wondering why she keeps attracting those guys who have an aversion to anything even resembling a comittment and maybe she was tired of being led on by these guys. I fail to see how their character flaws and immaturity is her problem. That is why I would advise her not even waste time with these types of men. Obviously they are not Mr. Right and some (even in church circles) would be content with just sex and no commitment.

  • Candace

    Ooops. I shoulda been more clear. I was just commenting on the blog entry in general, not specifically your comment about it, which I liked. I liked John's post, too, despite having a different take on the topic. It was thought provoking, as always.

    I'm all for marriage, too! Especially the more I learn about God's version of it :-) It makes tremendous sense to me. I probably should have gone on to make that more clear, but I was short on time.

    But I'm actually also a bit glad I gave the wrong impression, because otherwise you may not have written this second comment, which I enjoyed as much as the first.

  • Candace

    Ooops. I shoulda been more clear. I was just commenting on the blog entry in general, not specifically your comment about it, which I liked. I liked John's post, too, despite having a different take on the topic. It was thought provoking, as always.

    I'm all for marriage, too! Especially the more I learn about God's version of it :-) It makes tremendous sense to me. I probably should have gone on to make that more clear, but I was short on time.

    But I'm actually also a bit glad I gave the wrong impression, because otherwise you may not have written this second comment, which I enjoyed as much as the first.

  • barbara

    Candace,

    No human is perfect. I certainly did not mean to give that impression. We all need Jesus, no doubt.

    Yet, biblically, God was involved with placing a previously unbelieving woman named Ruth, who, in her Moabite culture worshiped Molech, the dung god (honestly, they worshipped a poop god). When she decided to turn her life over to the Living God, He gave her a husband and a son who are directly linked to King David. Read the opening chapter of Matthew and you’ll find the Ruth is mentioned along with King David in Jesus’ lineage.

    It’s so easy to throw out the good with the bad when one has been hurt or has seen hurt folks around them — and forget that marriage was God’s idea. And cutting off the human part of a person, making them only spiritual beings without human hearts and desires, is close to Gnosticism, a heresy that sprung up in the early church and is making the rounds all over again.

    I believe that Christ made all things new…Ruth didn’t have the benefit of living in the new covenant, where God restored, through Christ, our heritage, our link with Abraham’s blessings — family, children. The bible promises to give us “future and a hope.” I don’t believe it’s just in the sweet bye and bye, but right now. Afterall, today is the day of salvation.

    No one is so damaged that Christ can’t heal them and place them in loving relationships, if He gave them the desire to have this. [I'm not talking about those folks who perhaps do not want marriage, like Paul, and don't want to feel forced into it.]

    I’ve found that most people who tamp down on their desire for a mate are those who don’t want to be hurt again. Many may even choose to hide and settle that push beyond their personal comfort zone to confront that desire.

  • barbara

    Candace,

    No human is perfect. I certainly did not mean to give that impression. We all need Jesus, no doubt.

    Yet, biblically, God was involved with placing a previously unbelieving woman named Ruth, who, in her Moabite culture worshiped Molech, the dung god (honestly, they worshipped a poop god). When she decided to turn her life over to the Living God, He gave her a husband and a son who are directly linked to King David. Read the opening chapter of Matthew and you’ll find the Ruth is mentioned along with King David in Jesus’ lineage.

    It’s so easy to throw out the good with the bad when one has been hurt or has seen hurt folks around them — and forget that marriage was God’s idea. And cutting off the human part of a person, making them only spiritual beings without human hearts and desires, is close to Gnosticism, a heresy that sprung up in the early church and is making the rounds all over again.

    I believe that Christ made all things new…Ruth didn’t have the benefit of living in the new covenant, where God restored, through Christ, our heritage, our link with Abraham’s blessings — family, children. The bible promises to give us “future and a hope.” I don’t believe it’s just in the sweet bye and bye, but right now. Afterall, today is the day of salvation.

    No one is so damaged that Christ can’t heal them and place them in loving relationships, if He gave them the desire to have this. [I'm not talking about those folks who perhaps do not want marriage, like Paul, and don't want to feel forced into it.]

    I’ve found that most people who tamp down on their desire for a mate are those who don’t want to be hurt again. Many may even choose to hide and settle that push beyond their personal comfort zone to confront that desire.

  • delainrj7

    Barbara said: "Ever read Wild at Heart? What woman doesn’t “need” a guy who can smash bugs, act like he knows something about her car to a mechanic, and be willing to play the hero? What young man doesn’t need his own bride to look up to him and respect him (not to mention healthy sex)?"

    Yes I agree that most healthy heterosexual women need this (if they are honest with themselves). And that is the way God created us to be. I was a happy healthy single woman with a life of her own, a strong relationship with God, many interests, friends and a career. I was not perfect by any means and had been wounded time and time by men but still deep inside I longed for a man who would cherish and protect me… someone with whom I could be vulnerable and transparent. Someone to squash the bugs, fix things (or at least find someone who can if they can't)… and be my hero. And God has so graciously given me that in my husband. He knew what I needed… but oops… need is a bad word. By John's post I would have been considered needy. And maybe I was…but God creates in us a healthy need for others. And my husband does a darn good job of meeting my needs (and I do my best to meet his). I get so tired of hearing people say that you should not expect a person to meet your needs… only God can. Sounds spiritual enough but what it implies that having a person meet your needs is mutually exclusive to having God meet your needs which I don't think is true. Yes God can and does meet my needs but can he not use my spouse to meet some of those needs (and me to meet his)? If that is not what God intended when he said it was not good for man to be alone, then why did he command husbands later on to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Does not Christ meet the needs of his bride (the church)? The truth is, we are all needy. We are created to need (not talking about pathological neediness here) other humans even if we never marry.

  • delainrj7

    Barbara said: "Ever read Wild at Heart? What woman doesn’t “need” a guy who can smash bugs, act like he knows something about her car to a mechanic, and be willing to play the hero? What young man doesn’t need his own bride to look up to him and respect him (not to mention healthy sex)?"

    Yes I agree that most healthy heterosexual women need this (if they are honest with themselves). And that is the way God created us to be. I was a happy healthy single woman with a life of her own, a strong relationship with God, many interests, friends and a career. I was not perfect by any means and had been wounded time and time by men but still deep inside I longed for a man who would cherish and protect me… someone with whom I could be vulnerable and transparent. Someone to squash the bugs, fix things (or at least find someone who can if they can't)… and be my hero. And God has so graciously given me that in my husband. He knew what I needed… but oops… need is a bad word. By John's post I would have been considered needy. And maybe I was…but God creates in us a healthy need for others. And my husband does a darn good job of meeting my needs (and I do my best to meet his). I get so tired of hearing people say that you should not expect a person to meet your needs… only God can. Sounds spiritual enough but what it implies that having a person meet your needs is mutually exclusive to having God meet your needs which I don't think is true. Yes God can and does meet my needs but can he not use my spouse to meet some of those needs (and me to meet his)? If that is not what God intended when he said it was not good for man to be alone, then why did he command husbands later on to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Does not Christ meet the needs of his bride (the church)? The truth is, we are all needy. We are created to need (not talking about pathological neediness here) other humans even if we never marry.

  • Pingback: An interesting post on husband hunting « Frog In North Georgia

  • Pingback: An interesting post on husband hunting « Frog In North Georgia

  • delainrj7

    Frog in North Geogia: "The fact that you’re registering that whatever man you’re with is resisting a serious relationship means you’re definitely sending that man messages that you do want to be in a serious relationship"

    And what pray tell is wrong with wanting to be in a serious relationship? Is there any scripture against it? In fact God ordained and blessed marraige and created us to need one another. I think after 4 or 5 dates (especially if it looks like it is going to become exclusive) with one person a woman or man need to state their intentions at least the intention to ultimately get married (though not necessarily to them and not necessarily right now). I say marriage as opposed to just "hooking up" or "hanging out indefinitely in the emotional limbo of an undefined relationship". That way less valuable time is wasted on someone who does not want the same thing you do. If the other person does not have the same ultimate goal then it is time to move on to someone who does. After being strung along for years and years by selfish men who wanted sex (which I did not give in to) but no comittment. I decided to refine my approach and state right up front what I was ultimately after. All of them backed off (especially when they found out they were not getting the benefits of marriage without marriage) except for the wonderful man I am now married to. He had the same goal in mind that I did and we have been married now for nearly 5 years. One question. Why does the majority of stuff written about singles and relationships always blame the woman for dysfunctional relationships and lack of comittment on the part of the man and let the man off easy? What about those selfish and immature guys who are truly commitment-phobic or who are looking only for super model perfection? And yet the women are always chastised for having a healthy desire for marriage and children… something that God created and blessed I might add. My husband and are over the singles ministry at church and this has really been frustrating to the single women

  • delainrj7

    Frog in North Geogia: "The fact that you’re registering that whatever man you’re with is resisting a serious relationship means you’re definitely sending that man messages that you do want to be in a serious relationship"

    And what pray tell is wrong with wanting to be in a serious relationship? Is there any scripture against it? In fact God ordained and blessed marraige and created us to need one another. I think after 4 or 5 dates (especially if it looks like it is going to become exclusive) with one person a woman or man need to state their intentions at least the intention to ultimately get married (though not necessarily to them and not necessarily right now). I say marriage as opposed to just "hooking up" or "hanging out indefinitely in the emotional limbo of an undefined relationship". That way less valuable time is wasted on someone who does not want the same thing you do. If the other person does not have the same ultimate goal then it is time to move on to someone who does. After being strung along for years and years by selfish men who wanted sex (which I did not give in to) but no comittment. I decided to refine my approach and state right up front what I was ultimately after. All of them backed off (especially when they found out they were not getting the benefits of marriage without marriage) except for the wonderful man I am now married to. He had the same goal in mind that I did and we have been married now for nearly 5 years. One question. Why does the majority of stuff written about singles and relationships always blame the woman for dysfunctional relationships and lack of comittment on the part of the man and let the man off easy? What about those selfish and immature guys who are truly commitment-phobic or who are looking only for super model perfection? And yet the women are always chastised for having a healthy desire for marriage and children… something that God created and blessed I might add. My husband and are over the singles ministry at church and this has really been frustrating to the single women

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    delain: Just for the record, I AGREE with you that women are too often blamed for being single, or whatever. As proof I feel this way, let me offer up some earlier pieces I posted here.

    One is called "Surprise (Or Not)! Men Are Spoiled." It is found here:

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2007/11/21/surprise-or-n

    And, actually, I'll leave it at that, since the other two posts I might have sent you to are linked to in that post.

    Ok! Thanks for reading!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    delain: Just for the record, I AGREE with you that women are too often blamed for being single, or whatever. As proof I feel this way, let me offer up some earlier pieces I posted here.

    One is called "Surprise (Or Not)! Men Are Spoiled." It is found here:

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2007/11/21/surprise-or-n

    And, actually, I'll leave it at that, since the other two posts I might have sent you to are linked to in that post.

    Ok! Thanks for reading!

  • delainrj7

    So the fact that men are spoiled gives them an excuse? The last I checked men are called to become Christlike just like women are. We should not be content to stay the way we are but always strive to grow and mature. We are called to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Christ. As fallen humans we will not always get it right but we are to at least to be willing to allow God to develop his character in us. But there seems to be a double standard here where Missy was challenged to deny herself but your piece on men being spoiled was almost a joke a la "Boys will be boys and that is just the way it is." How about challenging the boys to stand up and be men for a change and to stop blaming women and making excuses. Just my take. We don't have to agree.

  • delainrj7

    So the fact that men are spoiled gives them an excuse? The last I checked men are called to become Christlike just like women are. We should not be content to stay the way we are but always strive to grow and mature. We are called to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Christ. As fallen humans we will not always get it right but we are to at least to be willing to allow God to develop his character in us. But there seems to be a double standard here where Missy was challenged to deny herself but your piece on men being spoiled was almost a joke a la "Boys will be boys and that is just the way it is." How about challenging the boys to stand up and be men for a change and to stop blaming women and making excuses. Just my take. We don't have to agree.

  • arlywn

    did jesus even agree with dating and all that? I dont recall him being in a relationship. Maybe we should retitle this "what would jesus do if asked to settle down and get married? And would he invite the gay community to the wedding?" lol

  • arlywn

    did jesus even agree with dating and all that? I dont recall him being in a relationship. Maybe we should retitle this "what would jesus do if asked to settle down and get married? And would he invite the gay community to the wedding?" lol

  • Pingback:   Man,Religions,Woman | Why Marry? — Recycle Email

  • Pingback:   Man,Religions,Woman | Why Marry? — Recycle Email

  • cblueiis

    Well I believe the author is on to something !!!!! Being employed in the mental health field I am always telling people you must lile who you are before and above all the other stuff. I would like to think I practice this and yes I do like me however I also get lonely for adult conversation and talking to a Labrador Retriever does not fit that picture!!!!!

  • cblueiis

    Well I believe the author is on to something !!!!! Being employed in the mental health field I am always telling people you must lile who you are before and above all the other stuff. I would like to think I practice this and yes I do like me however I also get lonely for adult conversation and talking to a Labrador Retriever does not fit that picture!!!!!

  • Nancy Maves

    My opinion is simple, keep on praying and

    believe, and God will give you what He knows

    you need.

  • Nancy Maves

    My opinion is simple, keep on praying and

    believe, and God will give you what He knows

    you need.

  • Kevin Sheryl

    I think John's response was WAY off base here. All I heard was a woman express a sincere desire for friendship, love, and companionship. A desire to commit herself to a man and receive the same from a man. (How awful! What nerve!) And what was John's response? Sounded like John wanted to send this woman to therapy for low self esteem. She sounded like she knows she's got a lot to offer and wants to give herself to the right man. I disagree that there is no Mr. or Miss Right, but would agree that there is no Mr. or Miss Perfect. I think the Bible has alot to say about marriage, and the desire to be married but very sadly I did not see a single verse of scripture in John's reply that he could have used to encourage this lady. If a desire for love, marriage, friendship, affection, companionship, and even sex (within God's boundaries of marriage of course) make a person desparate, then ther must be an awful lot of desparate people out there. I thought John's response to this lady and all singles as well demonstrated a very big lack of both understanding and compassion.

  • Kevin Sheryl

    I think John's response was WAY off base here. All I heard was a woman express a sincere desire for friendship, love, and companionship. A desire to commit herself to a man and receive the same from a man. (How awful! What nerve!) And what was John's response? Sounded like John wanted to send this woman to therapy for low self esteem. She sounded like she knows she's got a lot to offer and wants to give herself to the right man. I disagree that there is no Mr. or Miss Right, but would agree that there is no Mr. or Miss Perfect. I think the Bible has alot to say about marriage, and the desire to be married but very sadly I did not see a single verse of scripture in John's reply that he could have used to encourage this lady. If a desire for love, marriage, friendship, affection, companionship, and even sex (within God's boundaries of marriage of course) make a person desparate, then ther must be an awful lot of desparate people out there. I thought John's response to this lady and all singles as well demonstrated a very big lack of both understanding and compassion.

  • Michael

    Great comments and great reaction. We are all learning from this and wow! Some re-actions are astonishing to say the least! I have been married for 33 years now and believe that God has His plan for each of us – well planned and it will be fulfilled in His time and most definitely in yours. Live life to the full and trust in Him and lean not on your own understanding!

    We have all been taught values in life, so keep to them, honor God and you can be sure that you will go through life totally in control. Ask and you will receive! Ask not for your own pleasures otherwise you will learn some more lessons, before the prayers are fulfilled.

  • Michael

    Great comments and great reaction. We are all learning from this and wow! Some re-actions are astonishing to say the least! I have been married for 33 years now and believe that God has His plan for each of us – well planned and it will be fulfilled in His time and most definitely in yours. Live life to the full and trust in Him and lean not on your own understanding!

    We have all been taught values in life, so keep to them, honor God and you can be sure that you will go through life totally in control. Ask and you will receive! Ask not for your own pleasures otherwise you will learn some more lessons, before the prayers are fulfilled.

  • TRACY

    DEAR JOHN I’M A SINGLE CHRISTIAN WHO HAS EXSPERIENCED MANY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. AND I BEGG TO DIFFER WITH YOUR ARTICAL. I KNOW THAT FOR EVERY FLOWER GOD GIVES IT ADQUIT SUN SUNSHINE AND EVERYONE DOESN’T LOVE THINK OR GROW THE SAME I KNOW I DEALLY THAT EVERY THOUGHT OR EMOTION WE FEEL STARTS WITH US. OR HOW WE SEE THINKS BUT LIFE IS A TEST AND WHETHER WE WIN OR LOSE IT IN CHRIST HAND AND I BELIEVE WE CAN ALL BE TRUELY HAPPY IF WE KEEP OUR MIND ON CHRIST JESUS BUT GOD SAID IN GENESIS IT IS NOT GOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE I DO NOT CONDONE SIN AGAINST OUR CREATOR I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT I HAVE ALSO BEEN ALONE BUT I NOW USE THE GIFTS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM BEING A LONE. SEE THEE TRUTH FACT OF THE MATTER WHEN A WOMAN SAY’S SHE WOULD LIKE TO MARRY YOU. IS A COMPLIMENT WHICH CAN MEAN ONE OF MANY THINGS EITHER YOUR A GOOD MAN OF THOUGHT AND QUALITY,SHE FEELS YOU ARE SOME ON SHE WOULD LIKE TO COMMIT AND CAN VALUE AND SEE HERSELF STAYING COMMIT TO FOR EVER OR YOUR MAN OF DREAMS THAT SHE CAN SHARE HER DEEPEST CARE WITH. OR SHE LIKE DECATE HER TIME TO HELP BRING THE BEST OUT YOU AND HER IN SHORT LIFE PARTNER . I HOPE GOD GRACE YOU THE SAME WISDOM. I HAVE RECIEVED.AS YOU MINSTER THREW ARTICALES. GOD BLESS U.

  • TRACY

    DEAR JOHN I’M A SINGLE CHRISTIAN WHO HAS EXSPERIENCED MANY FAILED RELATIONSHIPS. AND I BEGG TO DIFFER WITH YOUR ARTICAL. I KNOW THAT FOR EVERY FLOWER GOD GIVES IT ADQUIT SUN SUNSHINE AND EVERYONE DOESN’T LOVE THINK OR GROW THE SAME I KNOW I DEALLY THAT EVERY THOUGHT OR EMOTION WE FEEL STARTS WITH US. OR HOW WE SEE THINKS BUT LIFE IS A TEST AND WHETHER WE WIN OR LOSE IT IN CHRIST HAND AND I BELIEVE WE CAN ALL BE TRUELY HAPPY IF WE KEEP OUR MIND ON CHRIST JESUS BUT GOD SAID IN GENESIS IT IS NOT GOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE I DO NOT CONDONE SIN AGAINST OUR CREATOR I HAVE BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT I HAVE ALSO BEEN ALONE BUT I NOW USE THE GIFTS THAT GOD HAS GIVEN ME TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM BEING A LONE. SEE THEE TRUTH FACT OF THE MATTER WHEN A WOMAN SAY’S SHE WOULD LIKE TO MARRY YOU. IS A COMPLIMENT WHICH CAN MEAN ONE OF MANY THINGS EITHER YOUR A GOOD MAN OF THOUGHT AND QUALITY,SHE FEELS YOU ARE SOME ON SHE WOULD LIKE TO COMMIT AND CAN VALUE AND SEE HERSELF STAYING COMMIT TO FOR EVER OR YOUR MAN OF DREAMS THAT SHE CAN SHARE HER DEEPEST CARE WITH. OR SHE LIKE DECATE HER TIME TO HELP BRING THE BEST OUT YOU AND HER IN SHORT LIFE PARTNER . I HOPE GOD GRACE YOU THE SAME WISDOM. I HAVE RECIEVED.AS YOU MINSTER THREW ARTICALES. GOD BLESS U.

  • http://jlovesyousomuch.blogspot.com Robert

    can someone translated this post in german pls thx.

  • http://jlovesyousomuch.blogspot.com Robert

    can someone translated this post in german pls thx.


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