The Worst Truck Slogan EVER

Yesterday my wife Cat and I were driving on the freeway when she said, “The slogan of the truck we just passed is ‘Always Late.’”

“Take a picture!” I said. “Take a picture!”

Being a Superior Human Being Who Always Gets It, Cat immediately started scrounging around in my bag for the camera I keep on me for those occasions when life insists I make fun of it.

“Got it!” she said, triumphantly holding aloft my Kodak Cynico-Matic.

I cleverly maneuvered alongside Mr. Party Tardy; Cat leaned over my lap to get the picture; I tried not to cry as she used my crotch to steady her elbow—and voila: the image above.

So what’s the deal with the slogan, “Always Late”? Does the driver of this truck have that on his business cards? Is his big sales pitch, “You can count on me to be late! If I’m supposed to be there Tuesday noon, look for me Wednesday morning! If then! Now where’s that meat you want hauled?”

And what’s with the Evil Death motif? The truck and trailer—-both painted Ominous Purple—-were festooned with skulls and crossbones. It was like a truck driven by Cap’n Jack’s son, Thrasher Sparrow.

Or maybe the driver’s the ultimate fan of the band Death Cab for Cutie?

Maybe the skulls aren’t meant to be scary. Maybe they’re supposed to show what this trucker’s customers look like by the time their delivery arrives. That actually makes sense, because I could not drive slow enough to stay next to this truck—-and I drive a Ford Focus.  When we first saw the truck we had just started up a long, slight incline on the road, and by the time Cat grabbed my camera, Mr. Purple Wane was so far behind us it was like he was driving in reverse. I basically had to park on the freeway and wait for him to catch up.

I used to be a Teamster; I loaded trucks, and knew a bunch of truck drivers. They were good guys. They took speed to help keep them awake: out of shape, grey haired, big rig drivin’ pill poppers. Maybe whomever was driving this truck was the son or daughter of one of those guys. That makes sense, too.

 

Haul your death-defying caboose over to Facebook and join my page.

 

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • Paul

    Well, I have 3 guesses. With the skull and crossbones motif, you can be early all you want, but once you're late (dead) you're always late. I also found a Lefty Frizzell song called "Always late (with your kisses)" that Dwight Yoakam covered and finally a trucker hat with the slogan – Always late – but worth the wait"

    I'm still as confused as I was starting out

  • Paul

    Well, I have 3 guesses. With the skull and crossbones motif, you can be early all you want, but once you're late (dead) you're always late. I also found a Lefty Frizzell song called "Always late (with your kisses)" that Dwight Yoakam covered and finally a trucker hat with the slogan – Always late – but worth the wait"

    I'm still as confused as I was starting out

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Seriously? You saw that trucker hat? Maybe being late is some kind of … trucker thing?

    This is too funny. Thanks for sharing this. Unbelievable.

  • mhogue

    My dad was a trucker. He hated being late. I think you get paid more if you're consistently on time. So, maybe this trucker is some sort of grape-worshiping second generation hippie, who wants to work but not get paid for it (because that's how your employers control you). He's a free spirit. Just wants to do things in his own time, not be restricted by such a nasty little bugger as a "deadline." …And he likes pirates…?

  • mhogue

    My dad was a trucker. He hated being late. I think you get paid more if you're consistently on time. So, maybe this trucker is some sort of grape-worshiping second generation hippie, who wants to work but not get paid for it (because that's how your employers control you). He's a free spirit. Just wants to do things in his own time, not be restricted by such a nasty little bugger as a "deadline." …And he likes pirates…?

  • arlywn

    maybe it stands for "always late to die?"

  • arlywn

    maybe it stands for "always late to die?"

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Maybe he misspelled "latte."

  • http://mormonsoprano.wordpress.com mormonsoprano

    I have absolutely no idea what this trucker was thinking, and I hope I never have to pass him on a dark and stormy night – but it makes a great blog post John! ;)

  • http://mormonsoprano.wordpress.com mormonsoprano

    I have absolutely no idea what this trucker was thinking, and I hope I never have to pass him on a dark and stormy night – but it makes a great blog post John! ;)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Mormon: That was nice to hear. Thank you! (And good point about not wanting to be around The Big Purple at night. That would be scary. He'd be, like, "I'm merging! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH."

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Mormon: That was nice to hear. Thank you! (And good point about not wanting to be around The Big Purple at night. That would be scary. He'd be, like, "I'm merging! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH."

  • Paul

    "saw" as in googled-the-phrase-and-found-a-site-that-had-them-for-sale. It made me laugh out loud in the office – always a good thing – Thanks

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I did figure that's what you meant. I love it. Too funny.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I did figure that's what you meant. I love it. Too funny.

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    Those truth-in-labeling laws are getting serious, aren't they?

  • http://totaltransformation.wordpress.com/ totaltransformation

    Could be worse…

    What if it read, "We Always Break Your Crap"

    or

    "Taking your packages and giving them our girlfriends since 1991"

  • Dan Harrell

    John,

    I read the related post and it was hysterical. Dennis Weaver was in a movie called Duel that took menacing trucks to a new level (in 1971).

    I Googled Always Late and the first link was your blog.

  • Ingrid

    I wish I could upload a picture to your blog because I have you beat in the worst slogan category. While in Birmingham a few weeks back I past an sign for a service station advertising they carried “FRESH JUICY PIG LIPS”. That was the worst slogan ever. Thanks for the laugh John.

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    Wait … after extensive consultation with my wife and my 11-year-old son (my 10-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter share no blame for this) …

    It’s an elaborate hearse service (“Always late” as in “Dead forever”), which explains the death motif carrying all of the necessary personal effects for people who wish that they had been pharaohs. That also explains the slow, solemn pace at which the truck was driving.

    No, I don’t drink, why do you ask?

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    Wait … after extensive consultation with my wife and my 11-year-old son (my 10-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter share no blame for this) …

    It’s an elaborate hearse service (“Always late” as in “Dead forever”), which explains the death motif carrying all of the necessary personal effects for people who wish that they had been pharaohs. That also explains the slow, solemn pace at which the truck was driving.

    No, I don’t drink, why do you ask?

  • Ross

    “Maybe the skulls aren’t meant to be scary. Maybe they’re supposed to show what this trucker’s customers look like by the time their delivery arrives.”

    Lines such as these are why your blog is always worth checking.

    Oh and also, might you comment on the cultures fascination with skulls? I live in San Clemente and I know you live in SD so we must see some of the same cars and trucks with their bad skull stickers and skull trailer hitches and skulls hanging from their rear view mirror. I always do an internal eye roll when I see them, but maybe I just don’t know the power of the skull and am really missing out by not representing the skull…

  • Laura

    You haven’t seen a skull until you have seen any piece of Ed Hardy merchandise. It’s not a real skull until it has snakes and roses coming out of the eye sockets.

  • Laura

    You haven’t seen a skull until you have seen any piece of Ed Hardy merchandise. It’s not a real skull until it has snakes and roses coming out of the eye sockets.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Man, you guys are being way too funny with this. It’s cracking me up. Truth in advertising! Those two slogans by Total Transformation! Extremely funny!

    Ah. Good times.

    Dan: I remember the made for TV movie, Duel. It was directed by Steven Spielberg. It inspired me to be a writer; I thought, “If you can sell a whole TV show based on a menacing TRUCK, anything is possible.

    Ingrid: SEND ME THAT PICTURE!

    Wickle: Funny again! Awesome. Totally funny. A hearse. I love it.

    Ross: I guess the skull signals to the world that you’re tough, that you’ve got what it takes to study human anatomy. Everyone knows how hard anatomy is.

    Laura: Yeah, I know that work. I know nothing about it, but Ed Hardy’s stuff always seems real derivative (sp??) to me. Unless he made UP the whole skull motif thing. Then, of course, he’s a bit of a genius. But even then, I’m always, like, “Okay. Got it. Skulls. MOVE ON ALREADY.” But. Everyone’s a critic.

  • Ingrid

    John, I’ll upload it later today

  • Ingrid

    John, I’ll upload it later today

  • http://www.jesusseeker.org Tom

    Anyone who says “Better late than never.” Has “never” read the Holy Bible. (or some such along that line)

  • http://www.jesusseeker.org Tom

    Anyone who says “Better late than never.” Has “never” read the Holy Bible. (or some such along that line)

  • http://www.jesusseeker.org Tom

    Anyone who says “Better late than never.” (or some such along that line)

    Has “never” read the Holy Bible.

    That’s the way I really intended to say it.

  • http://www.jesusseeker.org Tom

    Anyone who says “Better late than never.” (or some such along that line)

    Has “never” read the Holy Bible.

    That’s the way I really intended to say it.

  • http://www.tracetalks.blogspot.com Tracey

    I'm just glad you weren't taking the photo while driving…I think some people are actually proud of never being on time. Strange, but it seems true, doesn't it? Like making a grand entrance? Maybe he or she just wants attention from other drivers, and now you've just given them what they want!

  • http://www.tracetalks.blogspot.com Tracey

    I'm just glad you weren't taking the photo while driving…I think some people are actually proud of never being on time. Strange, but it seems true, doesn't it? Like making a grand entrance? Maybe he or she just wants attention from other drivers, and now you've just given them what they want!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Tracey: That is a good theory! Curse my handy little camera!

  • http://www.autoanything.com Reginald

    I hope he’s just trying to be funny….


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