Leader of the Pack

Yesterday a reader named Judy was kind enough to comment (in response to my post, A Working Class Zero, about having just moved to our new home) “Home at last. Good on you, John! [How exotic!] How much more unpacking do you have to do?”

Well, Judy, here’s a photo of my new office, taken seconds ago:

 

Let’s see what we see here:

Books. I have about 50 cases of books waiting to go on shelves that are waiting to be bolted onto the walls first because this is California, and via earthquakes God has made it clear that he doesn’t want people in California to read. Which explains Hollywood. But that’s a whole other can of hair gel.

Canned air. I don’t like regular air. It’s too common. I prefer my air in a can. That way, I know where it comes from. Mine is from Canada. They have excellent air in Canada. You can almost smell the bear droppings in it. In fact, you can. Which is why I’m actually going to change to air from France. I can hardly wait to smell the croissants!

A laundry basket featuring my fancy Nike workout pants. I used to enjoy wearing those pants to work out. But since undertaking this Giant Move, my wife and I have been eating out a lot. And so now I enjoy wearing those pants because of their elastic waistband. To me, “Just Do It” now means “Order The Tierra Missue.”

My laptop case. I have three laptop cases. Oddly, I have but one lap. I always like to keep a laptop case ready to go, though, in case anyone suddenly invites me to a very important meeting of some sort. No one ever, ever does. I hate the world.

The heaviest lamp in the history of light. That golden lamp you see in the background is solid brass. It weighs about 30lbs. It was an object of wonder for our movers, each of whom Officially Declared it the heaviest lamp they’d ever been bitter about having to move. The lamp was given to me by a dear Christian friend, a man who is 85 years old and in fantastic shape. He thought I, too, could use some exercise. So he gave me his lamp.

Well, I’m off to do anything I can to turn our kitchen from a mountain of half-empty boxes and wrapping paper strewn everywhere to a place where I can finally start creating the kind of food that will eventually give my Nike pants less reason to laugh at me.

Write me! Give me any reason to stop having to wonder whether or not I really need three colanders!

 

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • http://www.meinthemadness.blogspot.com heather

    You think the air from France will smell like bread? Because if Paris is any indicator, it will smell, sadly, like urine. But hey, that might be better than bear droppings!

  • http://www.meinthemadness.blogspot.com heather

    You think the air from France will smell like bread? Because if Paris is any indicator, it will smell, sadly, like urine. But hey, that might be better than bear droppings!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Oh, sure, I could have used my Air France set-up to make one or eighteen jokes about French Smells. But I decided to take the higher road. Is "smells like croissants" as funny as, say, "smells like B.O."? No. But what can I do? Being offensive is … offensive. And THAT'S why I rely on my readers to fill in the gaps I'm forced to leave between Being Funny and Offending Someone Who Will Then Write Me Fourteen E-Mails About How It's Wrong To Offend Them.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Oh, sure, I could have used my Air France set-up to make one or eighteen jokes about French Smells. But I decided to take the higher road. Is "smells like croissants" as funny as, say, "smells like B.O."? No. But what can I do? Being offensive is … offensive. And THAT'S why I rely on my readers to fill in the gaps I'm forced to leave between Being Funny and Offending Someone Who Will Then Write Me Fourteen E-Mails About How It's Wrong To Offend Them.

  • http://www.sisterfriends-together.org anita

    Oh man, you woke up in some kind of witty mood didn't you? Funny funny stuff! I was smirking from start to finish. I must confess I have about a dozen laptop cases. Hate to show up in Starbucks carrying the same old case. I don't want the barista's to judge me harshly.

  • Christine

    I moved on the weekend too!! Though not quite sure what Saran wrap is (I am in New Zealand, look John, you've gone global!!!) I am sure that there is still some lying on the floor somewhere under something that is hidden by something else. Though I am very blessed to have two very motivated flat mates who like to have everything in order and who only work part time so I can go to work and come home and suddenly everything looks better without having to do a thing!! I love moving, I should do it more often!!!

  • Christine

    I moved on the weekend too!! Though not quite sure what Saran wrap is (I am in New Zealand, look John, you've gone global!!!) I am sure that there is still some lying on the floor somewhere under something that is hidden by something else. Though I am very blessed to have two very motivated flat mates who like to have everything in order and who only work part time so I can go to work and come home and suddenly everything looks better without having to do a thing!! I love moving, I should do it more often!!!

  • http://www.kellykirbyfisher.blogspot.com Kelly

    Yep, it's a show on TLC (http://www.tv.com/Clean-House/show/25786/summary.html).

    To be honest, if my house looked like some of these – I would not have any friends over – let alone allow strangers come film a TV show. :)

  • FreetoBe

    Is that plastic on the window? Or far-flung Saran Wrap from the kitchen unpacking? Is that even a window?

    What a wonderful experience, unpacking. I used to move frequently but have now live in my (very first) house for the last 8 years. Oh, the joy of collecting….:::::must clean the garage:::::::

  • FreetoBe

    Is that plastic on the window? Or far-flung Saran Wrap from the kitchen unpacking? Is that even a window?

    What a wonderful experience, unpacking. I used to move frequently but have now live in my (very first) house for the last 8 years. Oh, the joy of collecting….:::::must clean the garage:::::::

  • Christine

    I think we have a similar thing in NZ called 'The Big Stuff' where these two random strangers come into your house and clean it for you. I love this!!! Talk about saying that is it ok to be lazy, firstly you don't have to do a thing, then you get to go on holiday while SOMEONE else does your house and then you get prizes, like your mortgage paid off or something like that

  • Christine

    I think we have a similar thing in NZ called 'The Big Stuff' where these two random strangers come into your house and clean it for you. I love this!!! Talk about saying that is it ok to be lazy, firstly you don't have to do a thing, then you get to go on holiday while SOMEONE else does your house and then you get prizes, like your mortgage paid off or something like that

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    But you're saying that like it's a bad thing….

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com ric booth

    Which explains Hollywood.

    I learn so much by reading you. I caught myself thinking Of course! That makes perfect sense!”

    BTW, I think important meeting is an oxymoron. At least here on the east coast where I “work” in DC.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com ric booth

    Which explains Hollywood.

    I learn so much by reading you. I caught myself thinking Of course! That makes perfect sense!”

    BTW, I think important meeting is an oxymoron. At least here on the east coast where I “work” in DC.

  • Judy

    I can see you're nearly there, John. And, one good thing about moving and unpacking…all that lifting and bending is a workout in itself! :)

  • Judy

    I can see you're nearly there, John. And, one good thing about moving and unpacking…all that lifting and bending is a workout in itself! :)

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    But you're saying that like it's a good thing,….

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    But you're saying that like it's a good thing,….

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Free: That’s Saran Wrap wrapped around one of my bookcases. Because I don’t care if it’s right or wrong: I practice safe reading.

    Ric: You must have a Big Job. Clearly you barely work at all—and you go to a lot of meetings. If that doesn’t say Senior Executive, I don’t know what does.

    Anita: I actually think I have a bit of a laptop bag fetish. I always want a new one; I’m always checking them out in stores; I look at other peoples’ bags. I’m the Imelda Marcos of laptop bags.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Free: That’s Saran Wrap wrapped around one of my bookcases. Because I don’t care if it’s right or wrong: I practice safe reading.

    Ric: You must have a Big Job. Clearly you barely work at all—and you go to a lot of meetings. If that doesn’t say Senior Executive, I don’t know what does.

    Anita: I actually think I have a bit of a laptop bag fetish. I always want a new one; I’m always checking them out in stores; I look at other peoples’ bags. I’m the Imelda Marcos of laptop bags.

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    What’s worse than a heathen who quotes the Bible?

    For instance, as the Bible says, “Let your light so shine among men that they may see your good works and give hernias to the poor schlubs who have to move the accursed thing.”

  • http://www.kellykirbyfisher.blogspot.com Kelly

    Wow, I have a room that looks like that – and we moved in our house 15 years ago! Guess that would make me a candidate for “Clean House”, huh? LOL

  • http://www.kellykirbyfisher.blogspot.com Kelly

    Wow, I have a room that looks like that – and we moved in our house 15 years ago! Guess that would make me a candidate for “Clean House”, huh? LOL

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    What’s “Clean House”? Is that a TV SHOW?? Are you kidding me? Is it?

    I so need to be a guest … or a candidate, or whatever, on that show. Do people come to your house and CLEAN IT???? Is it Richard Simmons? Is that who comes to clean your house? Will he promise not to wear those little satin shorts of his? And do the windows?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    What’s “Clean House”? Is that a TV SHOW?? Are you kidding me? Is it?

    I so need to be a guest … or a candidate, or whatever, on that show. Do people come to your house and CLEAN IT???? Is it Richard Simmons? Is that who comes to clean your house? Will he promise not to wear those little satin shorts of his? And do the windows?

  • http://www.meinthemadness.blogspot.com heather

    Wait, wait, so it's ok to insult Hollywood, but not Paris? Don't you know how oppressed they are in Hollywood, what with their fake breasts, fake teeth, fake butts, but real, genuine crap being produced? Sigh. I guess no one said life is fair.

  • Arnette

    Sadly, like Kelly, I too have a room that STILL looks like that and I’ve been moved for almost a year. Not quite like that (I’m being gentle with myself) but I still have a couple of boxes that I just look at and look away from very quickly about once a week. I’ll get to them…REALLY I will. And about needing three colanders, how ’bout two breadmakers? And we won’t talk about the Home Shopping Network purchases I ran into that I hadn’t bothered to unbox until AFTER I moved. I was the object of much ridicule by family and friends alike over the Atomic Food Cooker with the dual deep wells and the Food Breader thingy that you flip over and it puts flour on your chicken for frying. At least nobody’s helping you unpack and finding your secret embarassments. That’s a whole other blog.

  • Arnette

    Sadly, like Kelly, I too have a room that STILL looks like that and I’ve been moved for almost a year. Not quite like that (I’m being gentle with myself) but I still have a couple of boxes that I just look at and look away from very quickly about once a week. I’ll get to them…REALLY I will. And about needing three colanders, how ’bout two breadmakers? And we won’t talk about the Home Shopping Network purchases I ran into that I hadn’t bothered to unbox until AFTER I moved. I was the object of much ridicule by family and friends alike over the Atomic Food Cooker with the dual deep wells and the Food Breader thingy that you flip over and it puts flour on your chicken for frying. At least nobody’s helping you unpack and finding your secret embarassments. That’s a whole other blog.

  • Christine

    I went to Paris and though it was pretty around the sights the rest was soooooooooo dirty and icky. But isn't everywhere?? I mean, all the places I have been have some kinda ickiness about them, except for New Zealand of course :) And yes John, it is a bad thing to be lazy and let other people sort your mess :P

  • Christine

    I went to Paris and though it was pretty around the sights the rest was soooooooooo dirty and icky. But isn't everywhere?? I mean, all the places I have been have some kinda ickiness about them, except for New Zealand of course :) And yes John, it is a bad thing to be lazy and let other people sort your mess :P

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I went to Hollywood not too far back. Wrote a little post about it. Liketa read it? Here it go:

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2008/03/25/hollywood-10000-exhibtionists-and-no-one-watching/

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I went to Hollywood not too far back. Wrote a little post about it. Liketa read it? Here it go:

    http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/2008/03/25/hollywood-10000-exhibtionists-and-no-one-watching/

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I don’t look at it as letting other people sort my mess. I look at it as letting other people get to know me even better. The more they dig and sort, the better they know me. It’s a gift for them, really.

  • Christine

    Ahhh well with that logic how can I possibly argue?? It makes complete sense!! I for one would love to sort through your old photos and laugh at old hair styles and maybe find your diaries and flick through them. LOL you want to let people sort it now??

  • http://thefightofmylife.blogspot.com ResilientHeart

    How cool, I *love* canned air too, it’s one of my favorite things to move because it’s so light! I prefer the Naturally Organic versus the other type although it is much pricier, I always feel better about buying organic. LOL – thanks for your humor! Blessings on ya!

  • http://thefightofmylife.blogspot.com ResilientHeart

    How cool, I *love* canned air too, it’s one of my favorite things to move because it’s so light! I prefer the Naturally Organic versus the other type although it is much pricier, I always feel better about buying organic. LOL – thanks for your humor! Blessings on ya!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Christine: I fear not! For verily do I have about no old photos of myself, and I wouldn’t know a diary from a dairy.

    Resilient: Oooops! Too late to answer! I’m going to bed! But funny! Thanks!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Christine: I fear not! For verily do I have about no old photos of myself, and I wouldn’t know a diary from a dairy.

    Resilient: Oooops! Too late to answer! I’m going to bed! But funny! Thanks!

  • http://christianseverin.wordpress.com Christian Severin

    That lamp seems familiar…

    Didn't I last see that in the Billiard Room, lodged in the head of Mr. Boddy, with Colonel Mustard's fingerprints on it?

  • http://christianseverin.wordpress.com Christian Severin

    That lamp seems familiar…

    Didn't I last see that in the Billiard Room, lodged in the head of Mr. Boddy, with Colonel Mustard's fingerprints on it?


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