Appliance Porn and My Ghetto Laundromat

It's just wrong

(This post is pertinent to yesterday’s Our Living Room: Why Pottery Barn’s Profits Will Be Up This Quarter.)

Yesterday I was gratified to discover that a surprising number of my readers have fostered a distinct interest in my new home. Right on, sisters (and the occasional brother)! Up With Domesticity! Power to the plumber’s helper!

Yes, we are able / to polish that table!

One thing’s for certain / we love a good curtain!

Let it never be said / that we can’t make a bed!

Give us some hugs/ cuz you’ve seen our rugs!

A home cooked meal / has the power to heal!

No one’s a dork / who has a clean fork!

I can’t understand why Bob Dylan hasn’t called me yet.

Anyway, of particular interest to my friends of the Majestic Domestic set seemed to be our use of pink in our new home.

It’s shameless of me to do it, but at this point how can I resist showing you absolute Ground Zero for all things vermilion in our home?

Clearly, I can’t.

Shield your eyes from the glory that is our Brand New Washer and Dryer!! These supermodels of the appliance set cost as much as your average space shuttle—and I believe are only slightly less technically sophisticated. Before the washer agitates, it cogitates. Before it can dry, the machine ponders “Why?” These bad boys are the Camus and Sartre of clothing care.

And check out the Utter Pinkatude of their room!

Hey, man. You don’t put up Zsa Zsa Gabor in the Bombshell Motel.

For reference’s sake, below are photographs of the totally ghetto place I did laundry in the last place I lived.

Ah, the cycles of life.

Here's a nice view while you're sitting waiting for your clothes

This machine puts the "rumble" in tumble

Believe me, when you're in this place, you're acutely aware of your need for change

I thought it might be fun to sit here. I was wrong.

Look! A sale on soap!

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • http://www.adventureswithdating.com cremelloquarterpony

    I cannot express how jealous I am!

    When I do laundry I usually get so carried away that I end up washing everything that isn't nailed to the floor!

  • http://www.adventureswithdating.com cremelloquarterpony

    I cannot express how jealous I am!

    When I do laundry I usually get so carried away that I end up washing everything that isn't nailed to the floor!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    I know. And these things have MASSIVE capacity. Instead of polishing our dining room table the other day, I tried to cram it into the washing machine. If fit, too! But it totally shrank our table. Now it's like we're eating at Suzy Homemaker Style.

    I like your blog.

  • http://www.sisterfriends-together.org anita

    My wife does all the laundry in our house. The exception is when she says when running out of the house "Could you possibly just take the clothes out of the dryer when they're done? Could you remember to do that? Do you need me leave you a note?" No. I don't do laundry. She does. And that is precisely why she will never see your brand-new-oh-so-shiny uber washer/dryer combo. There just aren't enough aluminum cans on the side of the freeway for those bad boys.

  • http://www.sisterfriends-together.org anita

    My wife does all the laundry in our house. The exception is when she says when running out of the house "Could you possibly just take the clothes out of the dryer when they're done? Could you remember to do that? Do you need me leave you a note?" No. I don't do laundry. She does. And that is precisely why she will never see your brand-new-oh-so-shiny uber washer/dryer combo. There just aren't enough aluminum cans on the side of the freeway for those bad boys.

  • http://www.kellykirbyfisher.blogspot.com Kelly

    OMG, that is laundry porn! Great choice of color! Of course, if I had a set like that – I would probably put them in the middle of the family room and have them also function as a piece of furniture….being that those babies can cost more than an Italian leather sofa! ;0

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Anita: TOO FUNNY! That's hilarious. You wouldn't believe how we got the price we did on the things. It involved an Actual Crime on my part. Terrible. I shan't tell. (It wasn't anything too awful. I swiped a price placard out of a store that's a Major Competitor of the store from whence I purchased these machines, as proof that someone had them at a lesser price. PLUS the place I bought them from was having a 20% off sale on appliances. And they took that 20% off the discounted price from the other place I got them. So it amounted to about 40% off. THAT'S what I'm talkin bout.

    Christine: Too funny! I love it! Hilarious. And yeah, with these machines I DO have to use expensive, specialized detergent. It's so insane. They look at me, like, "ALL? Are you kidding me? Why don't you just dump Borax in here and get it over with. Back to the store for you, loser. AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE SOME HIGH EFFICENCY TIDE WITH YOU, EITHER! WE DON'T CARE WHAT IT COSTS! IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED A RACE HORSE, DON'T BUY A RACE HORSE!"

  • http://www.tvbblog.com teeveebee

    But can they type?

  • Christine

    I am LOVING those machines. I think I would actually get a credit card and go into debt just to get something as awesome as that!! I makes me look at my once loved and appreciated washing machine and dryer with a faint tinge of disgust!! They feel it to, just this morning after I sneered at one of them they destroyed a top of mine in revenge. Obviously I will have to make it up to them by buying some truely expensive detergent to make them feel loved and appreciated once again.

  • Christine

    I am LOVING those machines. I think I would actually get a credit card and go into debt just to get something as awesome as that!! I makes me look at my once loved and appreciated washing machine and dryer with a faint tinge of disgust!! They feel it to, just this morning after I sneered at one of them they destroyed a top of mine in revenge. Obviously I will have to make it up to them by buying some truely expensive detergent to make them feel loved and appreciated once again.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    You know, I had originally titled this piece “Appliance Porn!”!! At the last moment I changed it, cuz … you know. But that’s too funny. I’m putting it back. Excellent. Thanks.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    You know, I had originally titled this piece “Appliance Porn!”!! At the last moment I changed it, cuz … you know. But that’s too funny. I’m putting it back. Excellent. Thanks.

  • http://wineymomma.wordpress.com wineymomma

    Jealousy is a terrible thing. As is envy. I think I might have broken a commandment while reading this!

  • http://wineymomma.wordpress.com wineymomma

    Jealousy is a terrible thing. As is envy. I think I might have broken a commandment while reading this!

  • FreetoBe

    Yay for you! I love the combo set. And I'm still going to the Laundro-Mat 'cause my oh-so-very high-tech washer died after 3 years of everyday use, which would cost more to repair than the original purchase price. My son worked at a home improvement center and they had one fall off the truck (yeah, sure), and one of the employees bought it for $100. So I'm thinking you got a VERY good deal on those bad boys, John, 'cause I've been pricing a new one for a year and, surprisingly, the price is NOT going down.

  • Arnette

    Congratulations! I daresay, there's NOTHING like washing your underwear IN your underwear…oh…I musta had a laundry porn flashback. Anywho, that's quite a step up from your former washing facility. And you really can't beat red—great color choice. One more thing…I'm with Kathy on the multi-tasking thing. They would definitely have to double as seating or dining or something else for the amount you hadda plunk down. You will enjoy them though John, for years and years to come.

  • Arnette

    Congratulations! I daresay, there's NOTHING like washing your underwear IN your underwear…oh…I musta had a laundry porn flashback. Anywho, that's quite a step up from your former washing facility. And you really can't beat red—great color choice. One more thing…I'm with Kathy on the multi-tasking thing. They would definitely have to double as seating or dining or something else for the amount you hadda plunk down. You will enjoy them though John, for years and years to come.

  • Arnette

    Lord, I meant KELLY, not Kathy…

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Sexy.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Sexy.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    teevee: funny! really funny.

    winey: also hilarious! truly. cracked me up.

    free: not so funny. awful! as to how I got the price I did, see my comment #7

    skerrib: they are sexy. in ways it would be wrong of me to share with you. or anyone. ever.

  • Judy

    You have mad negotiating skills, John! Awesome to behold. Is that the kind of dry that has a steam setting? I would love one of those. Just throw your wrinkled shirt in and voila! When's laundry day? I'll be over with my full laundry basket. :)

  • Judy

    I meant DRYER. Why isn't there spell check on here?! :D

  • Judy

    I meant DRYER. Why isn't there spell check on here?! :D

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Hmmm, I'm thinking this has "SNL sketch" written ALL over it, ala "Mercury Mistress."

    Stop it! Stop it Skerrib!! Bad!!

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Hmmm, I'm thinking this has "SNL sketch" written ALL over it, ala "Mercury Mistress."

    Stop it! Stop it Skerrib!! Bad!!

  • http://clwcpa3@ptsi.net Melesa Garrison

    I have front loaders that I love, but that candy apple red is HOT!

  • Robert Meek

    Bright neon green would be cool – blinding neon, that is.

    Come to think of it, any neon color that was blinding.

    I often say my next washer will be front loader in my next life.

    Ahem.

    I better not have a next life. I don't wanna be recycled.

  • Robert Meek

    Bright neon green would be cool – blinding neon, that is.

    Come to think of it, any neon color that was blinding.

    I often say my next washer will be front loader in my next life.

    Ahem.

    I better not have a next life. I don't wanna be recycled.

  • http://facebook.com/dland Dave Land

    Front loaders rule, except for the stink if you leave the door shut between loads, especially in the summer.

    I have nothing even remotely like your daring when it comes to color. Our house is a vast blanditude of ecru and eggshell and white, except for my son's dramatic "Indigo Shadow" bedroom — roughly the color of Facebook Blue, but darker by a couple of shades — which rocks.

  • http://facebook.com/dland Dave Land

    Front loaders rule, except for the stink if you leave the door shut between loads, especially in the summer.

    I have nothing even remotely like your daring when it comes to color. Our house is a vast blanditude of ecru and eggshell and white, except for my son's dramatic "Indigo Shadow" bedroom — roughly the color of Facebook Blue, but darker by a couple of shades — which rocks.


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