Top 5 Challenges of the Newly Married

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://emphaticasterisk.com Lindsey

    I can't believe that MONEY didn't make the list. Because if two people have two ways of handling money before they get married and don't agree on One Way, then the second the man brings home something for himself without spending equally on the woman (or vice versa, as women seem to collect shoes) they will suddenly find themselves all about numbers 4 and 5. And possibly 1, if they swing that way.

  • Cibola

    Lindsey, I like your last sentence…:) lol

    I also want to add one to John’s list. I think that one of the top (ten anyway) should definitely be “learning how your partner shows and wants to be shown love.” I imagine that this is a more important one for the women, but could be a problem either way. A good scenario is the wife who feels loved when the words are spoken to her, and doesn’t understand the way that her husband is showing his love. I can hear it now: “He works all the time, and yeah, he does bring me presents, but he never says sweet things to me! He must not love me.” She needs to understand that he shows love by providing for her, and he has to learn to understand that she needs more than that from him.

    Developing a good understanding of how your partner shows love and needs to have love shown to him/her can be a challenge, but worth it. And probably the sooner in the marrieage that an understanding and cooperation in this area are worked out, the better.

  • Leif Sr.

    You’re one of the most picturesque writers. I love that. Your imagry is amazing.

    One of the greatest benefits to marriage is the trust that develops (see #2). The more you can trust your spouse, the more intimate your become. The more acceptance you gain, the more that normal human fear level decreases. The less internal fear we have the happier and more content we become. In the book of James he says that fear is a torment, but perfect love casts out fear.

  • http://mormonsoprano.com/ Mormon Soprano

    Great post and great comments!!

    Of course, the list gets all kinds of extensions once a pregnancy occurs and then baby arrives into the mix! Regarding the numbers above – here are some new clauses #1 gets weirder (and often is placed on an indefinite hold), #2 just when you thought you knew everything there was about each other, you discover a new universe regarding childcare practices and rearing viewpoints #3 Add…Diapers, feedings and who gets up in the night this time!! And from then on, the list of chores goes into hyper-drive. You just have to hold on for dear life… #4 Wanting to be right for the child – expected by the child to be right – and learning you don’t know much at all… #5 Choosing to leave now would break an innocent heart(s), and cause irreparable damage. And yet, having the child makes you resolved that much harder to make it all work out. The child provides you the greatest rewards for staying. Your union has now become a family. Your companionship is focused outward on a common goal; the welfare of another human being(s) which relies solely upon the two of you for love and care. This causes a binding of your hearts and souls together in a greater love than you ever could have imagined on your wedding day.

  • arlywn

    very spot on John, Lindsey, Chibola and now Mormon.

  • kibblesbits

    Not being able to leave is also a comfort, I think. I think if it were easier, we wouldn't have made it this far.

  • http://howtobeawoman.net/ deerinheadlights

    I love it! You're pretty funny for a Christian. Sorry, couldn't resist. I agree with what you said about men being wrong about stuff. I married my husband so I could trap him in a tiny pod-like space for 12 hours a day and remind him why I'm smarter than him. If you think I'm kidding I'm not. Thanks for the good read.

  • arlywn

    uh oh… john, watch out… she thinks your funny. And she agrees with you. Eek! and she makes jokes tooo…. this could be bad.. this looks like another stalker *ahem* I mean fan *cough* errr… friend? Yea, she looks like another friend… lol

  • http://cooknkate.wordpress.com/ cooknkate

    Ok so I just found your blog and I can't stop reading- thank goodness it's only 7 in the morning. I have all day to fill my brain cells with your wit and candor.

    I love this post. And all the others that I read through, like your 10 tips about being a good husband (which I resisted emailing to mine, as I doubt he needs anymore reminders of how perfect he is….) but I loved this one because I so totally saw us in it, six years ago when we married and crammed ourselves into three tiny rooms (with my 8 year old, mind you) and proceeded to figure out this 'thing' called marriage together.

    I especially liked #5. For me, marriage has always meant forever, but our culture, the throwaway society that we are- upgrades, new versions etc. coming out ALL the time- we don't value that at all, reflective, obviously in our astronomical divorce rate. But the one thing I can trust in my spouse more than his obsessive coffee habit or the fact that he actually likes me all the time (not the easiest, I must say) is that he is in this for the long haul, he will never cheat on me or even consider it and that foundation for me is one chunk of relational concrete that I know will never shift, no matter what life throws our way.

    That and the fact that our coming together was so deftly orchestrated from above……but that's another story.

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