Woman Just Abused by Husband Writes In

(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.)

I’ve recently been writing on 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships. Yesterday morning, in response to What Others Might Think: Reason #3 Women Stay in Bad Relationships, Pt. 2, I received a message on my Facebook page from a woman who, the night before, had been physically abused by her husband.

Below is Marion’s original note to me, as well as the responses to it that came in from others. I’m posting it all here for two reasons. Firstly, I’m amazed at how comprehensively they capture the range of thoughts and emotions that typically surround episodes of domestic violence. Secondly—and much more importantly—I’m hoping that those who read it will leave for Marion comments of prayers and support to help get her through this very difficult time. I know she is looking forward to reading such words of encouragement.

I changed the names of both “Marion” and her respondents, since only my “friends” can see my Facebook page.

So here we go:

Marion Stewart at 9:40am February 25

Well John last night I became one of these women! My husband grabed me by the neck & thru me into the kit. cabnets , when I tryed to move he pushed me again. I tryed to call the police and he grabed the phone and thru it and broke it. I had to hide in my son’s closet and call the Police on my son’s phone. They made him leave our home, now it looks like DIVORCE . After only two months of Marriage. And I know after past relationships this will not work.

John Shore at at 9:56am February 25

Oh, God, Marion: That’s terrible. Just awful. I’m so terribly sorry this happened to you.

Janice Stone at 10:08am February 25

I’m praying for Marion. What a horrific thing to have happen.

John Shore at 10:11am February 25

Thanks, Janice. That’s the way to do it. I hope Marion reads of your prayers.

Sandra Carpenter at 11:11am February 25

Marion, as terrible as your situation is, be proud of the fact that you are standing up for yourself and for your son and not staying in this destructive relationship. God bless and I pray you will find healing and true happiness.

John Shore at 11:22am February 25

That’s exactly right. Thanks, Sandra.

Julie Lipton at 11:26am February 25

Why did we jump from this to divorce?

John Shore at 11:31am February 25

Um … because after being married for only two months he took her by the neck and threw her into some kitchen cabinets, and then shoved her, and then broke their phone when she tried to call for help? I mean … are you serious?

Cathy Butterton at 11:50am February 25

The outcome of constant abuse, especially the kind of violence Marion experienced, is never good. How can staying in a relationship where you are thrown into cabinets, being shoved and bullied … glorify God? Marion, I’m concerned for your safety. Did you get a restraining order and maybe even move? It doesn’t sound like a rational human being you are dealing with—and, Julie Lipton, until you have been treated this way, and walked away while your life and sanity are still in tact, you will never know what kind of courage it takes to not be a victim.

John Shore at 11:59am February 25

Amen to that.

Julie Lipton at 12:09pm February 25

Marion….my heart truly hurts for you and what you are going through. I did not mean for my comment to be offensive in anyway and if it came off like that….I am truly sorry. Thank you Cathy…. I suppose I thought that there might have been some steps in between this and divorce … sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.

Cathy Butterton at 12:58 Februarly 25

My mother-in-law left her abusive husband after a lifetime of violence. But the years of staying with him took its toll on her, as well as her children. Luckily my husband is a loving, Christian man, but his childhood was a trainwreck out of which God rescued him.

Carla Singer at 1:56pm February 25

Julie Lipton, I think I know what you mean. Sometimes there can be steps in between of separation and the chance to get help and repair the relationship. Totally depends on the people involved, and the degree to which the abuser wants to change. And sometimes it can be successful, with a whole BUNCH of accountability and counsel and stuff. Not that I’m implying that’s the case here. Only Marion can know if it’s even a possibility … kinda sounds like not. But I digress. I agree that the most important thing is for Marion to get to a place where she’s safe. We’re supporting & praying for you Marion.

John Shore at 2:13pm February 25

What Ms. Lipton meant (I know because she wrote me on the side) is that the Bible only allows for divorce due to adultery and abandonment, not for physical abuse. She herself is in an abusive relationship, but remains out of fidelity to what she believes the Bible commands her to do.

Carla Singer at 2:15pm February 25

Ah. Bummer.

Marion Spillman at 8:56am February 26

Dear Friends: I am O.K. and the kids are O.K.  just a little shaken!

Thanks for all the sweet calls & notes thoughts & prayers. Although I got a called last night by one of Stevens family members and told that it was not a good Ideal for me to go public with what Steven did in lou of what he might do to me when he finds out.

My Thought is this!

That person has NEVER ever called me even once in the last yr I have lived with Steven not even to say Congradulations on the marrage to her brother, and never even asked if me or the kids are O.K.

But [she] felt it o.K. to criticize me for my actions.

One more reason WE DON”T TELL!

I will not apologize for asking my friends & family for prayers.

Also Steven took apart the home computer so I could not use it. So I have to go to the Library in the next town over. (No Library in Yantis Tx) So I will have to get back to all as I can.

Again thanks for all the heart felt LOVE & SUPPORT to all my friends & family.

Love,

Marion

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • arlywn

    Wow. Congratulations on leaving. Glad to hear you and your children are okay. I suggest counselling if you can afford it. Sucks about the computer. But, its only a machine- lives and emotions are much more important.

    Good for you on not being a victim. There are many different forms of victimy out there, and I'm proud that you didnt sit back and wait for a hero or for a God to change this. (Even though, I will argue that he acted through her. And I dont believe in him…. but old arguements)

    Congratulations on being a rolemodel to people everywhere, and a hero to your children. Hopefully they'll be as brave as you in the future.

    If you need anything, call John. He'll inspire us all to help you!

  • Jeannie H

    My prayers are with you, Marion. Stay strong.

  • Martin Blasky

    Any man who would hit his wife and act as your husband has isn't fit to be called a man. Leave him, and never look back.

  • http://megaloi.blogspot.com Redlefty

    The cops made him leave, fine, but I guess I don't understand why they couldn't arrest him? And why he gets to be back in the house already?

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Yeah, that's a good point; he must have come back, to have gotten the home computer, yeah? Marion?

  • Betty Robinson

    We will be praying for you and your son, Marion.

  • Laurie Veneklasen

    As a former family law legal secretary, I can tell you it is an extremely serious offense to stop someone from calling 911. Two years in jail. It sounds like you are done with this relationship, but it is a nice piece of information to file away.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Sweet.

  • Christine

    Marion: All my prayers are with you at this time. I have been where you are and mine was only after a few weeks of marriage too. I stayed for another 2 and half years. Though I believe in reconciliation for partners looking for a divorce, I do not believe that in this situation this can be achieved. Any man (or for those men being beaten; woman) who can treat his wife in such a manner has years of hard work ahead before he can be in a place where you would want to be reconciled and you would be safe. He needs to discover why and how he could treat you like that and that is not easy, even for a man who wants to change. He will also try to win you back and it is hard for us not to go back, to let go when they 'need' us. Believe me, it probably won't change, especailly based on the extremity of this first event.

    Julia: I understand what you mean about the bible not giving grounds for divorce on physical violence. I struggled with this alot when I left my husband two years ago. I still occasionally do. What keeps me strong is that I do not believe that God would want ANYONE to be in that situation. The God I know loves me, got me out of there when I wasn't strong enough by myself. I believe it would be throwing it back in His face to walk straight back into it. He would not want anyone of his children to suffer in such horrific ways. If that is what stops you from leaving an abusive man then I am praying that God will show you the right way to go. No one can make that decision for you but I hope that people who love you can influence it (and that does not include your husband, if he is beating you HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!!!)

    John, thank you for all of these posts

  • Alice Borton

    What’s happened to you is truly awful, Marion. But you are being strong and doing the right thing by leaving your husband and keeping your son safe. You don’t need a man like that in your life. Please be strong and stay away from that monster.

  • Joy

    Thank God for your safety Marion. If your husband is violent in the "honeymoon" period, it seems reasonable to assume things will not get better. Be encouraged because you have sisters and brothers in Christ who are praying for you. If I was nearby, I'd give you a hug!

  • Margaret Whewell

    Dear Marion, you are obviously a brave and strong woman. I will hold you in my prayers. May you come through this with your faith in tact and even stronger.

    But I will pray too for your husband, that he may be changed as only God can change us, because Jesus told us to pray for those who hurt us, and I know you can't be in a place where you would be able to do that yet.

    I make no judgement about what this leads you to decide with regard to divorce. I have not been where you are, and can only try to understand what it must feel like.

    In love, Margaret (in the UK)

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    Let me give a hearty "Amen!" to Martin:

    Any man who would hit his wife and act as your husband has isn’t fit to be called a man. Leave him, and never look back.

    As for the Biblical grounds argument … It's insane. God does not want Marion to stand there and get beat up by her husband over and over again just because Jesus didn't say "unless your spouse is trying to beat the hell out of you, of course" when he was talking about grounds for divorce. He was trying to make a point, not define a new legalism.

    God hates divorce, yes … But He hates abusive wicked marriage, too.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Christine, thanks for sharing your take. I'm so glad you were able to leave and be safe.

    Wickle, "God hates divorce, yes … But He hates abusive wicked marriage, too."–I agree. I'm thinking abuse is a form of abandonment by the abuser…a refusal to live together in peace. And while it's not adultery, it's definitely an extreme violation of the marriage vows.

  • Liz

    I do not think that anyone is saying that she should stay and get beaten…..of course she should remove herself from the situation if she is being harmed!!! Removing yourself from danger and divorcing are two different things.

    What about restoration? Does anyone believe that God can transform and restore those who are sick and broken? Do we really want to give up on hope and faith so easily? Is it really so "insane" to think that God may turn this evil into good? Is it crazy to think that God might give Marion a testimony of a broken marriage made whole someday? I for one believe that God is more than able to do far more than Marion could ever expect or imagine…..and I for one am praying towards that end!

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Liz: I don't think it's beyond anyone's imagination that God could heal her husband. But Marion needs to make sure that if that happens, it happens AFTER she and her physically abusive husband are living apart. First things must happen first—and the first thing Marion needs to do is get her life in every last way untangled from his. Even if he falls to knees and says he's found God, she needs to get herself away from him, right now. If he's open to God, and he's open to getting counseling, and he's open to the very real and prolonged process that it's going to take for him to heal, then that's wonderful; it's what we all pray for. But he can do that on his own—and then, once he's taken himself down that road to recovery, he can come back to her, and beg her to listen to him. And when he does come back, asking again for her love, he needs to bring with him receipts showing payment for a year's worth of steady counseling. And she needs to set the rules—and he needs to follow them, to a tee—for when, and where, and for how long they visit for the first time after that year.

  • Liz

    Would anything change if this had been a case of emotional or verbal abuse..instead of physical?

  • Marion Spillman

    Hello, everyone. I talked to a attorney today and he said that Steven cannot throw me out of the house with three kids (like he told me he was going to do).

    I am going to have to have to find an attorney for the divorce.

    Steven came by the house today to get his other car & his motorcycle, and more clothes.

    I had to go to the police dept. to pick up a copy of the police report. Then I opened a new checking account & po box for my mail, to keep him out of both.

    Thanks for all the strength I draw from talking to someone about this.

    Thanks,

    Marion

  • Patty Lamping

    My prayers are with you. Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself like you would talk to a younger female in your situation.

    I was married for six years to a violent husband. He was wonderful until the day we got married and he shoved my head into the car door. It just got worse from there. Six months of craziness later, I pressed charges and he went to jail. I asked the abuse counselors how long it would be for me to get my sanity back and they said about six months. I didn't choose divorce right away and I am at peace with the path I chose. I told him I would not talk to him for six months. He got out of jail we tried to reconcile but the violence continued and escalated. His behavior not only had a destructive effect on me but on everyone who's life I touched. After two years, I chose to physically separate from him. I told him if he would seek and follow through completely on obtaining help (more than physical violence was an issue), we could attempt to reconcile. After two years, he went to jail again for six months for assaulting a live in girlfriend. I chose to file for divorce 3 months after he got out of jail so that his obsession with me would find another outlet. During this time I did a lot of praying and a lot of up under God time. I received my answer through the chapter where the gardener asks the vineyard owner for three years before chopping off the vine. I prayed and waited and lived. When I did file for divorce I was totally at peace. I had done all I could do.

    Surround yourself with kind, uplifting, non-judgmental people. Be that to yourself as well. Christ died for you and he loves you very much. You are very important to him and he will hold you if you let him.

    Patty

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Patty: What a powerful and inspiring story. It brought tears to my wife's eyes. Thank you.

  • Christine

    Marion, so proud of you, am keeping on with the prayers

  • Christine

    Liz: This WASN’T verbal or emotional or anything it was PHYSICAL!!!!! If there is verbal or emotional stuff then I seriously recommend counselling and maybe a temp seperation. However, if you have never known the fear of seeing a man come at you to attack you, if you have never know the despair and the mix of love and hatred that occurs ofter then you are not going to understand that the only way out of that is to NEVER EVER go back. To me hitting your spouse is worse than cheating on them, and if that is grounds for never going back then I believe this is too.

  • Liz

    This is another Liz. Liz: to answer your question on verbal and emotional abuse, they are not a lesser form of abuse. You only need to talk to someone who has been verbally and emotionally abused to see this. And worse still, the scars might not be seen right away. I know adults who were emotionally and verbally abused as children. Although they eventually left the abusive environment, they still battle with issues of self-esteem and self-worth and fear.

    Marion, whatever path you choose, please remember that nothing can separate you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. NOTHING.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Liz: I'm so glad you said that about the verbal and emotional abuse. That's such a critical point. And thanks also for your final powerful statement here.

  • sunny

    I am a woman in my early 50's, twice divorced from abusive men. The last one was over 13 years ago and it was a christian marriage but veeery abusive. I stayed because I had nowhere else to go and was strapped in financially with the monster. I/we sought out 'counselling' but it was always from "pastors" or those in the church, specifically MEN who had more religion in them than common sense. What my ex needed was someone to knock his block off once a week consistently by a true man to show him how it felt. Instead, all he got was how I was not "submitting" enough to him "according to the word of god" so it was all my problem, not his. Horrors! There are so many wolves in the church at this point, the true Church has abandoned the buildings in search of those outside the structure and programs in which God does not dwell. My abusive ex has gone on to remarry several times, is still in relationship with the religious jerks who catered to his every LIE and I am still struggling in every way to maintain a life. Honestly, most men are dogs. I said MOST. Better to be alone and safe than take the chance with a man, I say. Take care of yourself and do your best than find yourself on the wrong side of his Bad Day…

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    Sunny,

    I'm truly sorry about your experience. Legalism is poison, and too many churches are full of it (hmmm … read that however you will, I guess). Anyone who would tell you that your husband is abusing you because you aren't submissive enough should be removed from the ministry NOW. To be honest, the idea that you were in counseling with a man, rather than mentoring by a couple, is beyond stupid.

    No woman should EVER have to put up with this kind of thing.

    No man should EVER hit his wife like this. The instruction to wives to submit is immediately followed by an instruction to husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. Christ died for the Church, He didn't beat it. Even consistent legalism would have to come out against the abuser.

    Way back to Liz's question … Can God restore things? Of course He can. But I'm not going to tell a woman to get hit again in order to test her faith. I'm going to fall back on a default position, and it's what I'll tell my daughter when she gets older — get away from abusive men.

  • Rachel

    Look, with all my heart I believe that Jesus still loves my ex husband, I am grateful for the atonement and that I can be forgiven for all of my sins, and I am grateful that he can be forgiven for all of his. I have forgiven him and I truly hope he reconciles with God and gets back on the right track, but my track is going to be a LOOOOOOONG way away from his track.

    Even if he became a preacher man with Gods light shining from every orifice, got down on one knee and begged for forgiveness I would be grateful he changed and hope sincerely that it works out with his next wife.

    God can do anything he likes, he can heal me, he can redeem me, and my ex husband, but I have free will and I don't want him.

    While I was agonizing over the choice of divorce, I had a self righteous "Christian" woman tell me that God only ok's divorce for adultery. While I was sitting there with a busted Jaw and two black eyes, I said some unchristianlike expletives to her, then I told her if that was the case maybe I should go get laid… cause I sure as hell wasn't going to stay married to that a$$ hole.

    Think before you speak.

  • sunny

    My situation with my abusive ex has definitely left me deep scars..it also scarred me deeply against legalistic arse wipes in the church who treasure their worthless scriptural knowledge over common sense of when someone getting beaten up should permanently extract herself or not. It's beyond pathetic when some stupid idiot who calls themselves a "christian" would say 'only in cases of adultery'…Buffalo chips, horse hockey, and cow fretter!! And BULLSHIT!! A man makes the marriage null and void by Abuse!! I stayed 9 years too long after my exhus broke my jaw, beat me and then threw me out the front door on the cold sidewalk outside in the dead of winter while we were on our honeymoon…In shock I dragged myself to a neighbors who insisted on calling the police while they nursed my open, bloody gashes..I am so sick of RELIGIOUS PHARISEES in the church telling abused women to stay in dangerous marriages with these utter monsters! STOP listening to ANYONE in the church tell you anything; listen to your gut…Get away from anyone who scares you or makes you feel oppressed or badly about yourself!!! Fire anyone even family members who purposely abuse or neglect you or who just try to confuse or taunt you. FIRE THEM!! It is so much better to be alone and sane than to put up with trashy people who will never change!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Sunny: Wow. Very, very powerful. Bless you for writing/sharing this. Thank you.

  • dyann gardner

    Marion, I hope you are still well. I have met many woman who are and have gone through this and may I say… No power on this earth or anywhere can harm you if you hide in God’s arms. Stay there and let Him love you. You husband may have not been arrested because he is powerful? connected? in the community?

    God is far more powerful… I remember a story about a man who wanted to open an outreach center in a bad part of town. He looked for a space to rent for weeks. Finally found one and couldn’t wait for day to break to see it. Went down there [knowing the risks] and looked at the office space alte at night. walkinf back over a bridge, where recently two homeless men had been killed and thrown over into the river below..he suddenly became frightened. a car pulled up behind him on the shoulder and three guys got out and began heckling him. one said “let’s kill him”. He turned arounf to face them after asking Jesus to save him and their faces turned white in fear. they fled. Ten minutes later this man’s friend drove by with a load of people going home from a night out. COuldn’t offer him a ride. He walked home safely . the next morning he called this friend to tell him the details of the night and ask why he didn’t give him a ride. he said,’ sorry man, but I just couldn’t fit all four of you in the car. ” Four? “yeah, you and those three huge dudes walking behind you.”

    All you have to do is stand and call upon Jesus.

    It is better for your [ex] husband to not have contact with women-at all–until he changes some things about himself.

    A loving man would never be capable of grabbing a woman by the throat no matter the circumstances.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    "…legalistic arse wipes…" might be the perfect term for such a person. I love it.

  • Liz

    Wow……..this responses are really making my heart heavy! I am just curious…did any of these (insert any ugly name that has been used) actualy tell any of you to stay in the same home and be beaten? I just find that inconcievable that anyone who has the love and light of Christ in them would suggest that!I would think that they would provide a safe place for you and then talk with you about your options. I sheltered an abused woman and her 18 month old baby in my very own bed this weekend….and I am of the mindset that marriage is something that you do not toss out like the morning paper…however, when she called me in tears, telling me that she had been kicked and he was threatening to knock her teeth out, I never said, "Oh well, you should just submit and let him do it!" I told her to grab her baby and head out her door and into mine!!! I still believe that God can and does restore hearts and minds, however I would never suggest that someone should "Stay in that home, submit to that man and be beaten!" I am rambling now, but I am just wondering if maybe they were suggesting that you remain in the marriage….but just at a safe distance while you see if something could be worked out.

    • Suzanne

      Yes, the “Christians” in the church to which I belonged told me in so many words that my husband OWNED me and whatever he chose to do to me was a direct channel from God to teach me lessons that I needed to know, because it was obvious that I needed him to break my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. I was also given the “submit unto to your husband as unto the Lord” line, and my husband’s alcoholism, violence, and whoring around was all MY fault – because if I were a true Christian and truly submitted to both God and my husband, none of it would happen. Strange how all these co-abusers trot out the same lines, isn’t it? My lot also gave me the God hates divorce thing – but never warned my husband that God hates wife abusers – Peter said that God would hold a man accountable for every tear he cause his wife to shed. Peter also said that a man who fails to nurture his wife and children is worse than an infidel. To be very graphic, to this bunch of “Christians”, I had no right to complain about many episodes of marital rape and degrading public gropings and accusations of frigidity – because my body belonged to my husband and he could do with it exactly what he wanted. Yes, they knew what he was doing, and yes, they ORDERED me to stay with him. They prayed for me, publicly, by name, and tried to cast demons out of me. What saved me was a head pastor, who got wind of what was happening, called a meeting with the elders, called me in, and told me to get the hell out of there before I was killed. He said flat out that this was NOT in any sense a MARRIAGE. I still loathe people who walk around with pie-eyed smiles and flaunt their Christianity. I still will not call myself a Christian – I see myself as a follower of Jesus. And I avoid churches! I simply do not trust them.

      What do you think happens to children who see their mother brutalised by their father, daily, verbally and physically? What do you think happens to children who see their mother demonised in church?

      Have you ever examined the context in which Jesus said that God hates divorce? It was in a time when a man could divorce his wife for any reason at all, including things like growing a mole or a wart on any part of her body, while women were regarded as having no souls. Jesus was warning his disciples against dumping a wife who burnt a meal, or had the temerity to develop a freckle.

      The only thing I can say to “Christians” who tell a wife to stay with a man who’s abusive – and believe me, “only” verbal abuse is every bit as damaging as being thrown against a wall, cut with a knife, burnt with cigarettes, having hot coffee poured down your neck,, pushed off the sidewalk, pushed into the oven while taking out food so your hands get burnt (yes, all that was done to me!), is “Get your head out of your arse and start thinking about what you’ll say to God when He asks you why you not only condoned but outright encouraged this man’s flagrant violations of Christian principles. In what way does a man hitting, screaming at, swearing at, and raping his wife fulfil his promise in the sight of God and the church to love her, honour her, and love her as Christ loved the church? Do you really think that a God who could love a woman so much He’d send his son to die for her would praise you for encouraging somebody else to cause her death?”

      Am I bitter? I wonder why?

  • sunny

    It's so important for women, from nursery school age, to be educated correctly about what the face of abuse looks like. Instead of idolizing these young music moguls like Chris Brown and Rihanna, the photo of her beaten up should be framed and placed in every teen girl's room as a living example of what love is not. One of the main reasons I ended up being in such horrible abusive relationships is that I did not have a strong or healthy family/friend support system. Abusive men always seek out vulnerable females who they can control and manipulate particularly in the church environment. It's time for 'christians' to wake up and smell the coffee that Jesus came set women free from the Law of the Old Testament that basically made them less than cattle. About the time someone starts preaching to me about what 'the word of God' says and how I am not complying, my defenses go up and I get away from them as soon as possible. And be sure of this: anyone trying to use ancient scripture however inspired it may be to try to get YOU to do something usually FOR them, is a WOLF…RUN! If God wants you to give something or do something for someone, He'll let you know. But as far as any level of abuse goes: If a man will hit you once, he'll hit you again..as painful as it is to leave him, do it sooner than later. And press charges..and get all the really great stuff in the house and scratch his truck with your key, if you can and be safe. I just find that most women are too nice and men like that count on that. Stay within the law as much as possible but do not be too nice to them..they don't deserve it.

  • Rachel

    I was in a great church at the time, I happened to go to the same building as my mother, chuckle, the time I got divorced over he beat me up on a friday, went to jail, I was still icky and messed up on Sunday so I skipped church, my mother informed all of my friends there what was going on and told all of them if they so much as whimpered that I shouldn’t get divorced from that man she would make their face look worse then mine… lol. I love my mother.

    The nut job that told me I should work on my marriage, (again with the two black eyes, and an obvious bruise on my jaw) was a Born again “Christian” I met at the park for a play date with my daughter that Monday night. I kinda knew her, but our kids played together. Then she told me I needed to stay and work on my marriage. He was in jail, and facing prison time, I had a TPO on his butt served while he was incarcerated the Saturday before. She said that not communicating with my husband was a sin. I shouldn’t have gotten law enforcement involved in our marriage. I picked him for a husband, so I was to submit to him as I would submit to God, as the bible says. The only justifiable reason for a divorce is Adultery and anything other then that is a sin in Gods eyes.

    Ahem… I assume she gets beat nightly by her “Godlike” Husband, and expects to enjoy eternity in Heaven because of her tolerance and “perfect submission.”

    I kind of went off on her… just a little bit. Then I left, and fumed. She sent me an email a day later saying some bullshit about how she is sorry if she offended me, but that sometimes the truth of Gods word is hard to hear… I never spoke to her again.

  • http://morsemusings.wordpress.com/ Dawn

    Hello Christine, I have also experienced this for myself. When I spoke to a minister and his wife and shared that I had been raped and that my husband laid on my body and I couldn't breathe … he just rolled his eyes up to the ceiling in disbelief.

    What I did not know at the time is that my husband then had spoken with them a year earlier and told the minister I was mentally ill and having an affair and was drinking all of the time. They believed him and questioned my sanity. It was all contrived.

  • Christine

    Liz: they don’t say it in those words. But they will say things like “we don’t believe that he would do that” or “God doesn’t want you to leave” or “he will change he is just going through a rough spot” or, once with I was told “he told us you would tell us these lies, you need to get on your knees before God and say sorry for slandering your husband”. So yeah, effectively they say stay in the house and keep getting beaten.

    Don’t get me wrong, there are many good Christians in my life who DO NOT agree with these people, in my life they are now the minority but at one point because of where I was living and who my husband hung out with they were the majority

    • Melissa

      Yes, it’s bad enough that the abuse is happening, and then it is utterly terrible and downright wicked when the people around you ignore it or try to dismiss it. I understand this entirely and empathize with you greatly over how that happened to you. I pray that you are in a safe and happy place right now and that you have managed to find the support that you need. You deserve that.

  • Christine

    Dawn: my story pretty much to a T. I am so sorry that happened to you hun

  • Donna Smith

    I too was abused. I married three days after I turned 16 and it took me 23 years to realize I couldn't live this way any more. God doesn't want us to be abused, He wants us to be happy and focus on Him and His teachings. That is something no one can do if she is constantly wondering what is going to set him off and trying to figure out ways to avoid him and protect yourself. I also grew up in a very violent and abusive environment and even after we escaped we were hunted down across state lines by a man carrying a gun. I saw how a church family can turn its collective back on the abused person. It is sad to think that these people actually believe that God wants you to stay in an abusive relationship where you have to defend your very life. I am proud of you for recognizing that you had to leave and I wish you much happiness and success. As for me, I am three weeks away from graduating with honors with my Bachelor's degree in nursing and although I have the same credit card issues and have a very difficult life, for the first time in my existence I can say I am truly happy. May God Bless You and guide you.

  • Allen

    John, first time reader, but I had to respond to this article. Incidently, this was linked off of Huffingtonpost, so that proves interesting that I found this.

    I am a man, who came form a broken home. My Dad was an alcholic abuser of my Mom. I promise everyone here that the worst thing for my Mom to have done would have been to stay with him. Yes, when he was sober he had good qualities. She did have two kids with him. But he needed help, and never got it. Long story short, she divorced him to save herself, my older brother and myself. And unfortunatly, it was a little too late for my brother. he was 17, and is now kinda damaged now by the mess. I pray for him to find peace.

    I keep reading the arguments about the wife should be more submissive to the husband. I’m sorry, but that infurates me to no end that this is used to mean a wife should just put up with abuse. I know the verses being used: Ephesians 5:22-24, but how about the REST of the story!!! Ephesians 5:25-33 are instructions for MAN to LOVE his WIFE as he would LOVE GOD!!!!! There is no way, if a man truely follows these verses, he could raise his hand to his wife, or by extention his children.

    At least, that’s my personall opinion. Thank God Marion got out. To the women who I read were still in relationships like that, get out!!! Pray for changes, but for the love of God, protect yourselves, and/or your children. I promise you, it will make things better in the end.

  • Cindy

    Hi,

    Proven scientific fact: children who are emotionally abused have a harder time recovering from it than children who are physically abused. I don’t know if it’s the same for adults, but emotional abuse can be severe; albeit, not death threatening (unless you start to consider suicide as an emotionally abused adult.) I believe both types of abuse are horrendous and not to be tolerated, period, but I did not want emotional abuse to be defined as a minor form of abuse. I also believe that whenever there’s physical abuse, there’s emotional abuse as well.

    To Marion – it is amazing and so courageous that you were able to immediately put an end to the abuse. Sounds like you are receiving the support that you need while you go through this.

    I was scared to death to leave the guy who was abusing me, who, when I did finally get up the courage to leave, continued to stalk me. The police were no help back in 1985 in St. Louis. Hopefully, police everywhere have received (better) domestic abuse training.

    Good luck to you and your precious children and be safe.

    • Melissa

      The police are still of no help, or can be of little help. My ex conveniently left the scene each and every time I called the cops. Once they got there all they saw was a distraught and confused female. They never did anything. This is not an uncommon scenario by any means. I have heard this kind of story before from other women. What is scary is that abuse generally escalates when the woman is trying to find ways to leave. It can become a very horrific game, in which the woman is trying to find a way out. The abuse is intended to disable the victim so that she cannot leave, to disempower her. Cops need to be there to provide assistance during such critical and dangerous times. They know that abuse escalates during such periods, so why are they not there to help?

      I don’t think that cops can do very much if the nature of abuse is mostly emotional battery. My ex got physically violent with me at times, but the majority of it was emotional battery and severe mind games. I think that there hands are tied in such circumstances. Guys like my ex enjoy pushing their limits to see how much they can get away with. I have faith that he will get caught one of these days.

      I am thankful that my ex is out of the area as he relocated and so I no longer have to worry that way. There was a time when I worried about my vehicle, or worried that he was going to break into my house and try to kill me or do something horrendous. When I finally got to the safe zone, he called me from his cell phone and said to me “I feel something very evil in the car with me right now.” Yes, I was scared out of my mind. Then a huge storm broke out a few minutes later and I literally felt like I was in a horror movie of some kind. That man is devoid of any kind of real humanity, and I consider myself blessed to be alive.

  • Wayne

    Marion The same Bible requires a Man to Love his wife as Jesus loves us. He is even to lay down his life for his wife. He broke the vows of marriage first. These vows are a covenant with God. Biblically you have the right to leave. You then should forgive him over time for your own sake. Forgiving does not mean that you forget, or that you are accepting his behavior in any way. God does not want any of us to suffer. Go with your heart and don't let anyone tell you that God requires you to stay in an abusive marriage.

  • http://none Don Rappe

    People are truly married when they pledge their troths (true loyal hearts) to each other. If the troth is not kept, the marriage is over; only the paperwork is left. Assault is not a form of abandonment, it is beyond abandonment. A man has a duty to defend his wife from assault. When he does not, he has abandoned her. And when he than becomes her assailant, he commits something more akin to murder than adultery. Sometimes fast sometimes slow. It is beyond betrayal.

    .

  • http://www.start-homeschool.info/ Making Relationships Work

    Hi. I read a few of your other posts and wanted to know if you would be interested in exchanging links?

  • Heather

    Hi. I was abusived by my husband for 25 yrs. My ex was Mr Charming to the rest of the world and Mr Hell at home. He nearly killed me several times and when I finally called the police they didn’t arrest him because they didn’t see blood ! He repeatedly violated the restraining order and nothing was ever done. I found out much later that he was seeing another woman with connections in town. So, I’ve lost everything, my home, most of my belongings, my friends, the church that he hated and made fun of . . . where I dedicated all my time and help . . .they sided w him, my trust in courts and protection, etc. Now my grown kids who he treated the same as me and have wanted nothing to do with him are acting like he s a great guy and spending a lot of time with him. No, he has not changed at all ! Just excellent at manipulating them and throwing money and fun things at them. They lived with this horrible man and know what each day of our lives was like and now act like none of it matters . I am in raw pain watching them go to him. I was and am the most devoted Mother and was there for them for every moment of their lives ! I feel like he has taken almost everything there is from me.


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