Saturday, March 21, 2009. 6:21 a.m. Operation John Shore’s Birthday has begun. I’m up. My wife’s still asleep. Loser. But I’ll let her sleep, cuz she’s so cute when she’s innocently dreaming about a beautiful world where she doesn’t have to get up and give me a haircut because we’re going out in public today and I look like someone on drugs had been trying to Photoshop the top of my head right before they fell asleep.
I want to thank all of you who sent me a happy birthday message. It’s really had a big effect on how I feel about today. I’m not kidding. It’s been very affecting. THANK YOU! It’s been totally heart-warming and makes me feel just great.
To those of you who didn’t send me a happy birthday e-mail or Facebook message, I would just like to ask what your problem is. Clearly, you have issues. Clear them up, will you? There’s still time to wish me a happy birthday, or to even send me a gift. Nothing says, “I’ve cleared up my neuroses” like sending John Shore a gift. That’s my motto. Make it yours.
I wonder if I should have made straight coffee this morning? Usually I make it half decaf, because my wife and I are old now, and if we get too excited we might die. But, darn it, today I wanted full caf, because it’s my birthday, and if you can’t get twitchy and erratically hostile on your birthday, when can you?
I’ll bet my wife is faking being asleep!
Okay, I should remake the coffee.
I wonder if my mother remembers that today’s my birthday? To be perfectly honest, I wonder if my mother’s alive. As some of you might know, I haven’t seen or talked to the woman in … I don’t know … about 30 years. Isn’t that awful? I suppose if she is alive, she is, this morning, remembering how, 51 years ago, she gave birth to a son. It’s not like you forget stuff like that. Plus, she did celebrate my birthday with me for … I don’t know … 17 years, or something. So of course she remembers.
I wonder if she’s reading this?! She probably is! She’s not stupid. She knows how to use a computer.
Mom! Are you out there?! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!