Saturday, March 21, 2009. 6:21 a.m. Operation John Shore’s Birthday has begun. I’m up. My wife’s still asleep. Loser. But I’ll let her sleep, cuz she’s so cute when she’s innocently dreaming about a beautiful world where she doesn’t have to get up and give me a haircut because we’re going out in public today and I look like someone on drugs had been trying to Photoshop the top of my head right before they fell asleep.
I want to thank all of you who sent me a happy birthday message. It’s really had a big effect on how I feel about today. I’m not kidding. It’s been very affecting. THANK YOU! It’s been totally heart-warming and makes me feel just great.
To those of you who didn’t send me a happy birthday e-mail or Facebook message, I would just like to ask what your problem is. Clearly, you have issues. Clear them up, will you? There’s still time to wish me a happy birthday, or to even send me a gift. Nothing says, “I’ve cleared up my neuroses” like sending John Shore a gift. That’s my motto. Make it yours.
I wonder if I should have made straight coffee this morning? Usually I make it half decaf, because my wife and I are old now, and if we get too excited we might die. But, darn it, today I wanted full caf, because it’s my birthday, and if you can’t get twitchy and erratically hostile on your birthday, when can you?I’ll bet my wife is faking being asleep!
Okay, I should remake the coffee.
I wonder if my mother remembers that today’s my birthday? To be perfectly honest, I wonder if my mother’s alive. As some of you might know, I haven’t seen or talked to the woman in … I don’t know … about 30 years. Isn’t that awful? I suppose if she is alive, she is, this morning, remembering how, 51 years ago, she gave birth to a son. It’s not like you forget stuff like that. Plus, she did celebrate my birthday with me for … I don’t know … 17 years, or something. So of course she remembers.
I wonder if she’s reading this?! She probably is! She’s not stupid. She knows how to use a computer.
Mom! Are you out there?! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!