A Pagan Boy With Bad Teeth and a Vibrating Leg

easterhand

Like most pagan/heathen children, as a kid I figured that, stripped of its incomprehensible pretensions, the  point of Easter was to feed me many bright and wonderful forms of sugar. That an entire holiday was (by one means or another) devoted to this splendid end seemed to me natural and right.

I had bad teeth and a right leg I could never stop from vibrating, but I wasn’t entirely dense. Besides the thrilling annual ritual of ignoring Peeps and hording jelly beans, I knew Easter also had something to do with Christ on the cross, or Christ popping back out of the ground, or Christ floating up behind people and saying “Boo!”, or something. I wasn’t sure. I was sure that in one way or another Christ was heavily associated with guilt—a guilt which I myself felt acutely when cradling in my hands an unwrapped, still unchomped chocolate bunny.

I was also aware that Easter was a time to be even more grateful than usual that I wasn’t a girl, since on Easter girls had to wear ribbons, dresses that looked like they’d actually slice up your legs, and shiny black shoes a vice couldn’t bend.

Poor girls. Dolls. Hair they had to brush. Aversion to mud. The inhumanity!

Now I’m a Christian, and no longer associate Easter with jelly beans, chocolate, and frightfully indestructible Peeps.

I see out my window just now that my neighbors are up early this morning. They’re hiding in the grass around their place brightly colored plastic eggs filled with what I can only imagine are Hershey’s Kisses and jelly beans.

Once they go back inside I should probably run out there, just to be sure they did put candy in those in those eggs. I hate to see disappointed children.

My parents missed out on Easter. They didn’t get it.

Happy Easter from their infinitely luckier son.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    My Easter shoes were always white, and I had to wear the frilly dress, PLUS a hat & gloves. In Phoenix.

    Happy Easter back. Fantastic day.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    It's that perfect "In Phoenix" touch for which I so value your comments, Skerrib. Happy Easter. And congratulations again on the birth of your new son, Rory. (Check him/her out, y'all: http://skerrib.blogspot.com/ and at: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?tab=3#/album.php… )

  • Greta Sheppard

    Golly, Gee . . . all along I thought Skerrib to be male . . . anyways I read your blog with interest, Skerrib. Congratulations on the little one!

    John, I always wore white shoes, too, and a new hand made dress…we lived in Edmonton, Alberta…we were rather poor and the weather usually cold at Easter time, we didn't get chocolate bunnies in those days….it was hand painted, hard-cooked eggs hidden around the farmyard. Jesus was a swear word . . . imagine my surprise when I went to Sunday School and discovered He was a nice, loving man.

  • http://www.whiterteethwithsarah.com/ Greta Sheppard

    Golly, Gee . . . all along I thought Skerrib to be male . . . anyways I read your blog with interest, Skerrib. Congratulations on the little one!

    John, I always wore white shoes, too, and a new hand made dress…we lived in Edmonton, Alberta…we were rather poor and the weather usually cold at Easter time, we didn't get chocolate bunnies in those days….it was hand painted, hard-cooked eggs hidden around the farmyard. Jesus was a swear word . . . imagine my surprise when I went to Sunday School and discovered He was a nice, loving man.
    Sorry, forgot to add great post! Can't wait to see your next post!


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