9 Reasons It’s Better To Be a Man

Last Friday I wrote about a certain … well, even now I can barely discuss the traumatizing affair. Read the piece if you’re interested. (Fair warning: the word “lubricant” makes a disturbing appearance.)

By way of commenting on that post, many women wrote in to observe that men have no right complaining about anything bodily, since they’re not women.

“I do not feel one bit sorry for you,” wrote reader Judy. “Women have much worse to go through and more often.”

“When he whips out a set of metal prongs [for a medical procedure] …” wrote one scary reader, “you’ll get some sympathy from the women readers. But not before.”

And so on.

So, in order to show just how much I do understand the plight of women, here are but ten reasons for which I understand it’s better to be a man than a woman:

The peeing thing. This, of course, is the classic discrepancy. I once saw a drunk guy, looking for all the world like he was just standing on the street enjoying the night air, pee into the open window of a parked car. Talk about convenient! I once saw another drunk guy, in attendance at the opening night of an extremely swanky nightclub, pee into a potted palm tree. Those two instances alone prove that I hang around too many drunks. But more to the point: it’s unlikely that a woman could pee through the window of a parked car and have so few people notice. And a woman peeing into a potted plant in one of its lounge areas would instantly turn any establishment from swanky to skanky. Totally unfair.

Women have to live some five years longer than men. So unfair. At fifty-one, I’m already practically packing for the Big Check-Out. Every day something else on my body starts aching in some new weird way, or I find a new place from which unnatural hair is sprouting. Why drag life out? Yet women bravely do. Poor things.

Women have babies. Apparently having a baby is so anguishing it’s a mystery the human race has survived at all. In fact, I think the reason men die sooner than women is from the sheer guilt of being and then causing babies. Whenever I try to imagine myself pregnant, I wonder what’s wrong with me and make an appointment to see a shrink. But there’s no two ways about it: it’s better to be in the waiting room, laughing and handing out cigars, than it is to be in the delivery room, screaming and pounding on the head of an obstetrician.

Women make less money. Men feel truly bad about this obvious wrongness. And that is why, all across the country, men have done everything they can to wreck the economy. If women aren’t going to make as much money as men, then, by God, it’s only fair that men start making less, too. I, for one, applaud Wall Street for leveling the playing field as they have.

Women have to wear make-up. I can barely use a pencil to write on paper without accidentally jabbing it into my eyeball. How women use pencils to purposefully draw on their eyes is beyond fathoming. Four seconds into putting on lipstick, I’d look like I’d been shot in the face with a red paintball ball. My fake eyelashes would end up attached to my forehead. I don’t know how women do it. I do know why they do it, though: they want to show off to men what freakish hand-eye coordination they possess. Fair enough.

Women have to groom generally. The ultimate injustice. When I want to get serious about grooming, I duct-tape a Shell No-Pest Strip onto my chest. Women, though, aren’t done grooming until there’s no Kleenex or toilet paper left in the entire house. It’s just wrong.

Women aren’t as tall. If women could see the sorts of things men routinely hide on the top shelves, they’d wish they were short again. Some things shouldn’t change.

Women have to listen to men’s jokes. Again: men feel terrible about this gross injustice. But again, what can we do? It’s in our jeans genes to find funny just about anything to which we attach the sound, “honk! honk!” And for the life of us, we cannot understand why women don’t find funny the stuff we do. It’s like we’re looking at two different Will Ferrells. We would never let on that we’re aware of it, but it greatly comforts us to know that, late at night, our wives and girlfriends sneak out into the living room, put on an Austin Powers movie, and crack up while silently mouthing the words, “Yeah, baby, yeah!” I’m totally sure that happens.

Women have to go clothes shopping. Everyone knows that it’s more fun to have thistles jammed up your nose than it is to go clothes shopping. And yet women bravely persist in that most odious of endeavors, selflessly doing whatever it takes to get the job done. And thank God they do! Without women, men would wear nothing but a belt with a dish rag or two hanging off it. And that would be for special occasions, like company parties and weddings. I, to site just one example, pretty much live naked. My attitude is that if the neighbors don’t want to be traumatized, they shouldn’t look. My neighbors’ attitude,  however, is to obnoxiously scream and call the police. My wife’s attitude is to scream and close the curtains. All of which combines, I think, to affirm the larger and more important point, which is that emotions are bad.

Well, that’s it for now. Today’s a special day: my wife is coming from her job to have lunch at home! So I have to go tape on a new No-Pest Strip. It’s the least I can do.

Related post o’ mine: Top 10 Tips for Becoming a Better Husband.

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  • Jeannie

    Okay John, you have inspired me to write about why it is better to be a woman then a man. This may not be pretty.

  • Yes, I thought I'd write the same thing next. And you're right: such things can't be pretty. But the truth must be told, in the end. I look forward to your list. Sort of.

  • HK

    Haha, good stuff. I'm a woman and I have to agree with a lot of what you say. Especially the peeing thing! Childbirth, too. I always swore that the only way we'd have more than one kid is if my husband would bear the second one.

    As for the height– I'm by no means short, but I remedied my average height by marrying a 6'8" man. I call him my "human stepladder" 😀

    Re: the jokes: eh, I dunno. I thought women had selective hearing about that sort of stuff 😉 Besides, when it comes to, ahem, less clean aspects of jokes, I can think of plenty of us who could even outshine men in that area!

    Oh, and p.s.– don't forget that monthly visitor!

  • Jeannie

    The monthly visitor pales in comparison to the roomate of menupause that comes to stay for almost a decade. ; )

  • It's true. Women often do pause before menus. Especially when they're on view from outside the restaurant. Men, on the other hand, just go right in and start ordering. That's another big difference between the sexes. Thanks for bringing it up, Jeannie.

    HK: Monthly visitor? I'm sorry; I don't know what you're talking about.

  • “Here, here!” says your fellow man.

  • Sarah

    Haha…well, except for the fact that I’m 6′ tall and have actually never met a single man who was able to be on time for anything (I’m the person who is AT LEAST 5 minutes early for everything), you mostly have it right. The on-time thing is such a non-issue, the bodily fluids/monthly visitor issue would have been much more convincing. Still, going to pass this along to my boyfriend. I’ll set him straight on the parts you got wrong. 😛

  • onemansbeliefs

    "Women have to go clothes shopping"

    And when one is married to said woman, he often gets to go clothes shopping too. So, to have a good time I stand by the dressing rooms like I know what I'm doing and ask women customers if "they would like to try on those clothes." When they respond with a yes, I just stand there until the silence gets awkward then tell them I don't work here, I was just curious.

  • Chase: thangya. thangyaverymuch.

    Sarah: You must have men confused with some other life form. Men are never late to anything, except stuff they forget about or don't really care about or is happening when they want to watch something on TV.

    Jennifer: Good point! I think. I really don't remember. Whatever.

    Anita: Only you would know about that product. That's why I love you. And why you scare me.

    Namesake: Either I'm getting funnier, or you're getting easier to please. Let's go with A.

    Allen: Fear not. For men, of any stripe, I think it's safe to say that maintaining exceptionally good hand-eye coordination is pretty much our … main hobby.

    Bethany: Please don't hurt me.

    Onemans: Funny! I had the same thought. And actually, I wrote the below instead of the ending I had on this one, when I published this piece on Crosswalk.com: "But with women shopping as they do, men can dress up, and appear for all the world to be civilized creatures. And men, by way of helping the best way they know how, can stand around while their clothes-shopping women endlessly flip through the racks, and moan like they have a spear lodged in their foot." Same basic joke! Ah. Good times.

  • Jennifer

    You’ve over looked mans awesome ability to

    Easily dismiss the thought of forgetting something. Women have to dwell on the issue until they remember what it was they forgot.

  • The peeing issue was resolved some time ago with the Go-Girl (http://www.go-girl.com), although I would argue that whether it’s a man or a woman peeing in a potted plant that’s a nightclub I would rather not patronize at anytime in the foreseeable future.

  • LOL, AGAIN! John, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear you’ve gotten funnier in 2010. Regardless, thanks for clearing things up for us guys. I can’t wait to try that no-pest strip thing.

  • Jeanine Petty

    Ok….I can't help but notice the seal on the bottom right corner of the photograph as if he's sticking his face in to laugh. This is one of the most interesting things I have seen. I LOVE God's sense of humor…..He choreographed that, after all, knowing that picture would be taken right then! If i KNEW how to copy and paste, i would surely put that photo somewhere on my profile!

  • Allen

    Damn! Now I see why my life is so difficult — I’m a man in touch with my feminine side! Must see about having that fixed. I’ll miss the eye-hand coordination, though…

  • This is the part where I tell you all the things your list got wrong about me. Oh nevermind. You’ll just misinterpret my words anyway and then get the silent treatment and carelessly wish you hadn’t gotten the silent treatment until you get the waste-hitting-the-fan treatment. (And I don’t wear make-up. 😛 )

  • Nathan: FUNNY!, about the girl and snow. That product! It's so … weird. I sort of couldn't figure out how it works–and then realized I really, really didn't want to know.

    Jeannie: Yeah, that photograph is so insanely funny that I basically just JAMMED it onto post, for no real reason. It doesn't really even fit the topic (although, happily, it sort of does). I just went with it because once I saw it I had to use it.

  • I’d have to agree with Namesake as well. Is there a New Year’s resolution you’ve not told us about?

    PS. The most disturbing element of the Go-Girl website is that the model seems inappropriately happy to be standing in the great outdoors. I’m suspicious about whether her signature is steaming in the otherwise virginal whiteness of the snow, just out of frame.

  • Scratching my head over this obvious omission:

    Women don't get the genius that is The Three Stooges.

    Just sayin'.

  • onemansbeliefs

    David: Nor do they understand that bodily functions are funny!!!

  • I’m only glad I’m not tall or I’d feel I’d have to dust the tops of furniture.

    I was *really* cracking up–thank you for the big LOLs 😀

  • Man=Dog

    Here are some points on why the males sex sickens me and everyone else.

    1.about 87% of pedophiles are male.

    2.about 64% physco killers are male.

    3.about 91% of the rapes are done by males distroying everyones damn life.

    4.about 59% or pornography is drawn by man just showing how typically twat thirsty he is as usual with no respect.

    face it!
    they re sex predators.

    About every womans life is ruined due to them.

    Anyone see a differance??

  • Man=Dog

    nor do they force thier dicks up a childs cunt

  • Man

    Not bitter at all are we? Making up statistics and not even doing the honour of spelling words correctly, try harder next time.

  • Melody

    How do you know she’s making this up? Or are you just in denial? (By the way, this was posted a year ago.)

  • Melody

    I do agree, she was obviously very angry and cynical when she commented here. But what makes you so sure her stats are made up?

  • Allie

    Well, it’s true that the majority of violent and sexual crimes are committed by men. But on the other hand, all of those criminals put together form a small minority of the total number of men. The majority of men are not violent criminals or rapists. And there’s one category of crime men don’t lead in – women form the majority of those who physically abuse children, and the majority of child murderers. It would be a mistake to say that women are better people than men.

    I read an interesting account by a female-to-male transsexual, that when he first started taking male hormones as part of transitioning, he was shocked by what happened to his brain. That he spent literally every moment thinking about sex and fantasizing about every woman he saw, that walking past a mannequin in a store window was incredibly distracting. And also that he was constantly angry and had no control over his temper. In time as his body and brain adjusted, he came to feel some measure of control again.

    One of the reasons we’re not supposed to judge others is that only God knows what’s truly in someone’s heart. Men and women each face unique conditions caused by their bodies and brains. All people have to live with this as part of the condition of being human, a self attached to the physical world. And without being in someone else’s body, you can’t begin to know what their temptations are like. The person you think of as “good” may be that way because they were gifted with a smooth road. The person you think of as “bad” may be heroically fighting inner demons. God will be the judge. In the meantime, concentrate on fighting your own battles and helping others fight theirs.

  • Diana A.

    This is very insightful. Thank you.

  • i comment on stupid stuff

    This is ALL wants we dont have to do makeup or have to clothes shop its fun unlike being a disgusting man thatvwould really suck to be a man whata bad punishment life as a man

  • Huh?