Adam and Eve talk it out

Adam: I sure wish we hadn’t eaten that apple. That was dumb.

Eve: Really? Ya’ think?

Adam: Where are we?

Eve: I dunno. I know where we’re not.

Adam and Eve [dreamily]: Paradise.

Adam: I miss it already. I want back there so bad!

Eve: Me, too. Maybe if we begged him to let us back in.

Adam: I don’t know. Even though I’m new at … well, being alive, I guess, I hate begging. Something about it.

Eve: Really? I’ve seen you beg. You’re quite good at it.

Adam [blushing]: Well, that was different.

Eve: Sure was for me.

Adam: Let’s do it again.

Eve: Will you stop? We’ve got real problems here.

Adam: I know. But what can we do?

Eve: Well, maybe if we just asked him to let us back in.

Adam: I don’t think it would work. That was one angry control freak.

Eve: Don’t say that! You know he’s still watching us.

Adam: I don’t care. What’s he going to do to us? Banish us some more?

Eve: He still loves us.

Adam: Maybe.

Eve: I think maybe if we just asked him …

Adam: I don’t. He was seriously ticked.

Eve: He really was. I was, like, “Have a cow about it, why don’t ya’?”

Adam: I know. I loved it when you said that!

Eve: He didn’t.

Adam: He has no sense of humor.

Eve: No kidding. Look at this place. What is this stuff?

Adam: Who knows? We can call it anything. It’s not like he’s already got a name for it. I had to name everything! I can’t believe I spent all that time coming up with names like “aardvark,” and “koala.” And now all those guys are in there, and we’re stuck out here.

Eve: That koala is so cute.

Adam: He so totally is. Except for his claws are like … like … what’s the big nose part of that one crazy looking bird? The big black one, with the colorful … nose thing?

Eve: Oh, right! The … toucan!

Adam: Yeah, the toucan. The koala had claws as big as the toucan’s nose thing.

Eve: “Toucan.” What a great word. You’re a genius.

Adam: Thanks. You’d think he’d appreciate it just a little, wouldn’t you?

Eve: I’m sure he does.

Adam: Really? You think this shows a lot of appreciation? I’m glad he’s not more appreciative of us. Who knows what he would have done to us then? Put us on the … what’s that thing called again?

Eve: The moon?

Adam: The moon. He would have put us on the moon.

Eve: Hey, I just had a thought. I think we should call this stuff “sand.”

Adam: Oh, that is good. I love it. That’s just what this stuff is. Sssslips in, goes irritating on you, and then stays. “Saaaannnd.” Perfect. Good job. It is kind of fun naming stuff, isn’t it?

Eve: It is.

Adam: Well, I hope you enjoyed naming this stuff. Because there’s nothing else out here to name.

Eve: Hey, do you feel guilty?

Adam: You mean that feeling we had right after we ate the apple? When we were hiding from him? You mean do I still feel that way?

Eve: Yeah. Do you?

Adam: I dunno. A little. It’s hard to feel too guilty, given what I think it’s safe to call his slight overreaction.

Eve: Well, he did we’d die if we ate from that tree. At least he didn’t kill us.

Adam: Don’t be so sure. Maybe we are dead. I mean, look at this place! It’s nothing but … that one new word.

Eve: Sand.

Adam: Sand. It’s nothing but sand. That’s all we’ve got! So, I don’t know. I did feel a little guilty. A lot, even. But now, really, I’m just angry. This isn’t fair.

Eve: It does seem a tad harsh. But …

Adam: It was that snake! That stupid snake! I’d like to wring that snake’s neck, if it had one.

Eve: That was my fault. I listened to him.

Adam: Of course you did! Who wouldn’t listen to a talking snake?! I’d probably chew off my foot if a talking snake told me to. It’s like, “Whoa! Talking animal! All bets are off now!”

Eve: Still. I should have ignored him.

Adam: Hello? Talking snake! Not exactly easy to ignore.

Eve: He was one smooth talker, I’ll give him that.

Adam: That’s what did the trick? Him being a smooth talker?

Eve [crying]: I don’t know! I don’t know why I did it! It didn’t have anything to do with the snake, or what he said. I just … I don’t know! I don’t know why I ate the apple! But I did! I did it! I ate from the forbidden tree! And now we’re ruined!

Adam [putting his arm around her]: I know why you did it. You did it for the exact same reason I would have done it. We were going to eat from that tree no matter what. We didn’t need a tricky snake to encourage us to do it. You can’t tell people that they can do everything but this one special thing—and then expect them not to go crazy until they do that one special thing. It’s not … natural.

Eve: We could have ignored it.

Adam: The snake?

Eve: The tree.

Adam: I couldn’t have. I was probably going to eat from it that day anyway. It was driving me crazy. I used to lay awake at night thinking about that tree. I almost did eat from it a couple of times. I’m telling you: I was gonna do it.

Eve: You’re so sweet for saying that.

Adam: I’m not being sweet. I’m telling you. I hate being told what I can and can’t do. As soon as he told us we couldn’t eat from that tree, that’s the tree I wanted to eat from.

Eve: I know. Me too. And now look at us.

Adam: At least we’re still together.

Eve: Yeah. Separating us would have been unbearable.

Adam: It would have been for me.

Eve: Me too.

Adam: We’ll make it through this, Eve. We’ll survive.

Eve: I know. As long as I’m with you, I’m still in paradise.

Adam: And we’ll get there again. We messed up, sure. But sooner or later, he’ll forgive us.

Eve: Do you really think so?

Adam: I more than think it. I believe it.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Merwyn Haskett

    “Wherever she was, there was Eden” – Adam, at Eve’s grave, as told by Mark Twain


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